My HOA is two weeks away from obtaining a nuclear bomb

The cherry blossom petals fall all around like snow. this time of year is magical.

Maybe trump really is Jesus didn’t think of that did you

"Can money pay for all the days I lived awake But half asleep?"

I'm a true New Englander, meaning a witch.

Sleepwalking through the day.

I might just make (and eat) garlic bread all day. Why? You ask? If I have to keep putting up with his BS I ought to be rewarding myself.

They can, and one day will fire David Stearns, but sadly they can never bring back the heart of this roster. #lgm

That's what happens when you take three home-grown Mets, who treat NYC like family, and replace them with people who don't give a fuck about the team or the fans or anything but collecting their over-inflated paychecks for a season or two. #LGM

More like unwell-being, amirite???

Jack's Arcade of AI Nightmares

Sometimes I doubt the Pope's commitment to Sparkle Motion

I'm not asking Gemini shit. Stop asking.

Has the pope still got his baseball bat?

Googling “Cars a family of four can live in”

Find a form that fits.

Not feeling this week.

He’s playing 7 level chess? More like he’s eating 7 layer Mexican dip.

I slept late n now Ima take a nappity nap nap.

Just because you know better doesn't mean you always do better.

Packs 4 pair of headphones for vacation just in case.

In my Radagast era.

Candy-ass really means something different in today's world.

Ralph Wiggum ass president

Cat to left of me, old dog to the right, here I am, stuck in the middle with you

I miss the old core of this team. #LGM

Let them eat cake, so long as they provide ID with that keystroke.

*sighs* looks like my mouth got me added to another list

*making a fist* How about a sandwich?

“If you stay alive for no reason at all, please do it for spite.”

I'm making party wings, which means this is officially an apocalypse party.

I can’t believe our fate is in the hands of these jive turkeys

The apocalypse will at least be hilarious.

What fresh bullshit hell awaits mankind today?

Hot take: Believe women and stop electing predators.

I'm always crying inside, except on the outside.

Paywalls for publicly funded science are fascist…

The boyfriend experience (I tell you that you are a pretty cat, and a good cat)

Jazzercizing my demons

Him: "You're so wet, babygirl" Me: Splashdown

From here on out, referring to squirting as "splashdown."

Ghosting the sun.

I fucking love watching horror movies on Tubi. I can’t read the descriptions without my glasses, so I just go on vibes and half these seem like some film student’s thesis project they recruited their friends to act in and I love it. I will watch your little film and pretend it’s good.

Me, hearing about the factory fire for a livable wage:

This thing looks like the elevator from Charlie and The Chocolate Factory.

Bouillon would be a nice name for a baby.

Pretty sure the Hague doesn't accept presidential pardons.

coming out as bisexual (i like dill pickles AND bread & butter pickles)

a little madness in the spring