I only notice the typos when I check my notifications. 🤷🏾‍♀️

For a bunch of commitment phobics, you sure engagement farm a lot.

My emotional range is currently set to "buffering.”

Why make tacos when you can be one.

Sitting in the parking lot at work thinking about calling out.

church fittin to be super awkward come Sunday for some people

Clocking in for my shift at the barely-hanging-on factory.

Wax on wax off but it's just me burning candles at both ends.

Don't it make my blue eyes brown just doesn't have the same ring to it.

don’t talk to me when i’m in dark mode

Raptured by my bong.

who up ready to get lost in a haunted corn maze

Take two Tylenol and tell RFK Jr to go fuck himself.

Billy joel voice: Tylenol, charlie kirk, rapture day,

"The rapture is happening today!" Oh, you sweet summer child.

Tylenol dragged, do microplastics next.

Nah

At least it's autumn

Let's see how we make it through this day.

I'm like if a really sleepy person were still sitting up fighting it

Looks like my day is gonna be the same as yesterday: utter nothingness & brain deterioration.

I started wearing a chain on my glasses in preparation for my final form of eccentric old hag with moderate to severe joint pain.

I miss the good old days when the country wasn't so serious because of devolving into facism and I could show my tits and ass on the internet for gratuitous dopamine hits.

Excited to finally see rain in the forecast, I've been working on my "we really needed this" voice all week.

When we are all raptured, I just hope nobody sticks their dick in the mashed potatoes.

"And if you save yourself You will make him happy He'll keep you in a jar And you'll think you're happy He'll give you breathing holes And you'll think you're happy He'll cover you with grass And you'll think you're happy now"

Time to feed all my addictions

romance? you mean like choke fucking??

Manipulative fuckers gonna fucking manipulate

I need a little mood booster.

"I'm in love with being queen"

Woke up with a head full of stress... this is not what we do on Saturday mornings.

I miss the days when the biggest division in this country was East Coast vs West Coast hip hop.

Show me a pic on your phone that has your energy. Not a selfie

I'm a driver I'm a winner things are gonna change I can feel it

Delete button helps us by enabling us to type what we really want to reply and then replacing it with ‘ok’.

When they said, "No justice, no peace, " I didn't know how right they were.

Me and the homies trading "hell yeah"s back and forth

Shine bright like a twenty year old Christmas bulb on the fritz.

I need a rowdy group to chant at me while I drink my coffee "Chug chug chug chug"

I'm so glad I don't have to see any more posts about that one Kanye fembot going to Applebee's wearing nothing but a clear trash bag.

Shots? I just buy the covid vaccine in the five-gallon Costco bucket and drink about half of one a day

I hope your day is the prettiest thing you've seen in so long.

It's the end of the world as we know it and I'm making mac n cheese.

morning bsky! MmHmm

The late 90s was "peak civilization," and we still let it burn at Woodstock 99.

How many talk show hosts before you admit maybe it's you and not them?

please excuse me while i slip into something a little more 72 hour psychiatric hold

We deserve cooler supervillains.