There's a saxophonist who plays saxophone while dressed in a Big Foot costume and his name is Saxsquatch

only one head of diarrhea lettuce away from my goal weight

ward off potential suitors with diarrhea lettuce

how many tabs do i need to have open at one time before i can enter valhalla

There’s a very specific deadness behind Little Debbie’s eyes

You become an adult the day you realize you've been misusing a slang word

"People love you for more than just your looks," I mumble to the old man staring at me in the mirror.

ME: It's a Superman movie where he comes to earth during prehistoric times PRODUCER: Keep talking ME: called Jurassic Clark HIM: Get out

You could save thousands by switching your therapist to Bluesky.

so just to recap... don't eat the food, don't breathe the air, don't leave your home

I hate it when a skeet breaks containment.

I forensically profile your friend circles.

When they got me, Oh, The Places You'll Go! For my high school graduation, I don't think they anticipated the place I would go would be my couch.

the scarlet letter a on my chest stands for adorable

Litterbug is too cute a word for the asshole it's describing 😑

Every time I try something stupid on the job and it actually works, someone should play a little riff on a saxophone.

I don't always give up easily, but I've gotten better at it

We are avoiding buying most fresh produce at this time and all bagged, prepared salads & spinach. This is going to cause financial harm to grocers & farmers alike. When you can’t trust the food, you won’t buy it. This is another break in the system that was created by this corrupt regime.

I like bee butts and I cannot lie... . . I don't know who took this picture butt it rules.

every gardener i follow is going absolutely hogwild flexing that they eat lettuce from behind their house. i've never seen gardeners act like this in my life. this is our super bowl. this is our olympics. gold medal in shitting normally

rocking up to the cat shelter with my reusable totes like hi im here to do my shopping

America is now #1 in military spending, guns, and diarrhea

rebranding my account as the Opinion Section of Bluesky

washing down my diarrhea lettuce salad with a tall refreshing glass of Panera murder lemonade

I wrote a song about AI titled Mmmslop

Roberta could sing…

If only a dedicated group of scientists had warned us about the record heat, torrential flooding, continental scale wildfires, and apocalyptic orange skies

zelda taught me that if you go anywhere alone you might as well take a sword with you just in case people start throwing rocks

Wish I could transmit some of this basil to you

Sick of all these trend-hoppers. I had explosive diarrhea WAY before it was cool

I like to think the explosive diarrhea was the friends we made along the way

I will post butthole at 20k followers

These are the dong days of summer…is that the saying?

she's a 10 but listens to Hanson

Can’t eat the vegetables, can’t breathe the air. This is not going well.

The reason tributes keep coming in from everyone for Sam Neill is because he wasn’t just a great actor with a body of work that speaks to most of us, but also because he was such a very good, decent man. If we had more of them, the loss wouldn’t feel so great. But thank the universe we had him 💜

I've just seen about 40 kids sneak into watch 'The Odyssey' without paying by hiding in a giant wooden coat.

There is a swarm of bees where my brain used to be.

My new car has lots of fancy technology in it. Just now I put it in reverse and it showed a video of some lady getting run over by a car.

maybe I don't feel as threatened by explosive diarrhea as your average person

This at-home lobotomy kit will fix me.

dunno bout yall but I enjoy blocking folks who don’t seem to understand what a joke is

Is it exploding?

The corn was fully digested.

how do we know if it's just regular diarrhea or the really bad kind

How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Diarrhea

Well Bluesky, we had lots of fun tonight, but remember: there's nothing funny about going to an exotic pet store and telling them you can't find the chameleons.