stop making things awkward this isn't your family reunion

*making prolonged eye contact at the urinals*

I hate when people say to stop whining on social media Social media was invented for two things: bragging and whining

my mom's dog has decided to move in and fart on me every night

I have a recurring anxiety nightmare about having DVDs that need returned to the rental place

have you ever thought that maybe some people want to be unrecognizable online because they're on the list of America's Most Wanted? show some respect.

the millennial urge to touch grass and cry

joined your fan club cause otherwise it was just your mom

I'm not freaking out about anything anymore I'm all freaked out

the void is cozy the void is my home

Quit whining says the old man while whining

It’s so wonderful to have a president who is so humble and self-defecating.

Here's my Hellraiser pitch. Hellraiser is terrible. It's always been terrible. The plots are terrible. The movies are terrible. The characters look cool as shit. So, make an alternative Hellraiser universe and remake old movies. Remake "Back to the Future," but it's in a world of cenobites.

reminder: today is not my birthday

PENIS

These are my formal Crocs, babe. My Crocodiles.

Kiss my ass is that better writing or nah?

"I'm not a music person" sounds exactly like something an alien pretending to be a human would say

please don't celebrate Cinco De Mayo if you watched the alternative halftime show

my worst cinema experience was when I went to see Castaway and the man sitting directly in front of me smelled like pepperoni. The entire theater smelled like it because of this person. This is why when I see Tom Hanks I think only of pepperoni.

HOT WOMEN IN YOUR AREA ARE LAUGHING AT YOUR DATING PROFILE

this coconut coffee creamer tastes like I'm living my best life on a cheap cruise

Happy? 😏

no one mentioned that Nsync song? fucking slackers

I heard you paid for your followers in tit pics

wait til they find out this account is run by a raccoon

I think what draws me to the crab rangoon is it's shape

he only visits Facebook to jerk off to his exes. So 4 to 5 times a day.

wanna feel old? Sally Jessy Raphael is 91

Come and get one in the yarbles!

where my droogs at?

Being nice to everyone is how you get murdered.

singing the Bagel Bites song and practicing Kung Fu

you're allowed to have sex when the sun is up this isn't 1954

🤣

get in loser we're going grave robbing

YES, I am a real doctor NO, I will not look at your penis

*watching the intro to Darkwing Duck* he doesn't look that dangerous to me

plenty of words are worse than "moist" for example, whatever your name is

romanticize every moment *farts cutely into a jar

Going to block all but about five people on this application.

I have been extradited to Flavortown.

I am eating Daniel Tiger.

Wow, ski place figured me out pretty quick.

Wtf is demon sauce?

demon sauce good af

I think you would make a religion out of sniffing butts if given the chance

imagine being mean to me and I'm at home listening to Hanson