Do you forget to take sensible bites around ppl or are you normal??

i got distracted and my coffee went cold but i drank it anyway and it tasted like sadness a memoir

*grilling hotdogs* how many sandwiches do you want

This gummy tastes like I'm not getting out of my recliner for a while

*reads post* That sounds like something I’d say *looks at account* Oh, I did say it

Eating a corndog like its corn on the cob

Would you like a piece of my pocket bacon?

after much consideration I have made the difficult decision to stay hydrated

Maybe the non sequiturs just wanna sequitur sometimes

It's frankly disgraceful how much better cleaning up makes you feel

posting and killing two birds with one stone (paraskeet)

Please, do not forget that you earn 1.5xp in the weird part of the night

Floating down a lazy river for the rest of my life sounds great.

Men be like “I’m fighting demons no one knows about” and it’s just about washing their ass

Whenever I feel a crush coming on, I remind myself of how I live & it snaps me back into reality.

Another dope creek day. Coming back to swim here one day 🐟

depressed ninja has the heaviest sai

“Can you explain this gap on your resume?” Yes I was being a merry fellow

step 1: make the coffee step 2: make the reskeets

Eating angrily is one of the funniest ways to eat

Every day I wake up and I choose violence* *oreos

My dove eyes of yesterday died and were reborn as my owl eyes of today. Wisdom is so pricey.

Gonna start pretending people are accomplishing goals instead of vague posting about a ball game 🦶

I’ve decided to seize tomorrow

i can fuck off with the best of em

Me on my deathbed: tell me you love me Husband, tearfully: I love you Me: haha i didn’t say “Simon says” *flatlines*

he said he wanted a baddie so i returned my library book 1 day late

*on your ring camera* hi, i need you to post more

women love mango (men leaving)

Despite their name, Cornish game hens are total crap at Nintendo

“Coffee makes you poop” Two Celsius and an Adderall make you exorcise a demon

dill looks like Muppet fur but thats ok

Oh, you’re geographically unreachable? Allow me to be incredible at flirting

idc if vans arent good hiking shoes im not gonna look lame in front of them squirrels

fix your hearts…WITH PIE

My toxic trait is convincing myself I can do anything just by watching YouTube videos

fomo-ing at the mouth

Pizza Stone should be an amulet that summons pizza not just a flat rock for your oven

Piety or cakety, either way 😋

Self portrait

this email i opened just says no and i concur

i need keanu reeves to commandeer my struggle bus

Don’t listen to the haters my adhdearies, a new planner and hobby just might fix you this time

“fuuuuuuck, you're so tight” me to my monthly budget

a rooster in Minecraft call that a cockblock

job interviews can be stressful. "why do you want to work for us?" "where do you see yourself in five years?" "where did you dump the body?"

Me trying to take off my sun shirt when sweaty:

I’m not upset, I’m just taking a little break on the floor

Reminder to sporadically check on your goths in this heat. Check under logs/in shaded graveyards and leave out a little dish of water at dusk.

A cigarette is a unit of time