Seal my urn with the gold foil from fancy coffee jars and throw me back to the sea 🦈

dried mango is the closest you can legally come to chewing on a man’s ear

gettin' real good at barely getting by

You only pronounce “phlegm” correctly when you have some.

Showing up early to work so I can sit in my car and not go into work early

In the mood to eat an entire loaf of bread with butter

I don't think l'll make it out of March, I'm so tired. Go on without me.

What if I set up a Listening Booth instead of a Kissing Booth?

Barista yelled “Waldo” and no one came to the counter. This is it. This is my moment. Years of training have led to this. I will find him.

Dentists love to make your gums bleed then be like "look what you did"

Unless you are dead don’t call me

Anyone else notice gravity is up about 10% today.

I solve 55% of my problems by just going to bed.

Who up for cake and societal collapse?

Living the nightmare.

They should invent eyes and buttholes that last longer than 50 years.

Threw a frozen pizza in the oven, opened a bottle of red wine and cranked up the Violent Femmes playlist Everything is fine, why do you ask

it's called bruhtalism

75% of people in a post office at any given moment are mailing something for the first time in their entire life

hanging up in the middle of my own sentence

Never give up…unless you’re tired, then lie tf down and quit

be weird on purpose because why be boring if you don’t have to

Pacing around in a circle the length of dough, drafting skeets for the week day ✨

You guys ever lose track of time for like fifteen years straight?

Sinful Sunday, you say? 😏 *eats 3 cupcakes*

I’m not tall enough to ride this ride

I feel like renaming it Department of War was a tell that they would actually start a, ya know, war.

sisyphus reposting my post

Me: omg I love you so much, I'll buy you literally anything you need Cat: I'm fine in this shallow box

freezing slices of birthday cake to eat later is the nicest thing I have ever done for myself

my crush is orange

Is it the Sunday scaries or is it the broken promise of your entire existence as a pure soul who intentionally planned a thoughtful journey to their future having been distilled into the moonshine that might make you blind?

sex is good but have you ever been in a play?

having some food with my Frank’s hot sauce rn

I wish I was a little dirt crawler Livin’ in squalor I wish I was a worm in the mud I would holler 🪱

The pizza in me honors the pizza in you. - Namaste

*uses phone flashlight to avoid turning on any house lights

I never fucking learn. -a memoir

wrapping an entire lasagna around my fork like spaghetti

I wish a motherfucker wouldn't, actually.

*dabs a little gasoline on my neck before going out*

Mural in the streets, body pillow in the sheets 🍥

watching you put away that laundry i’ve been sleeping on for 3 weeks

I don’t have a mood that can’t be expressed by slide whistle

Gollum should get to kill Bilbo

Seeing the business side of something you love doing kills the magic.

talking to any man who will listen about my perimenopause and then kicking him in the nuts so we can both experience sudden, unexplained symptoms

All love songs are about pizza and all breakup songs are about exercise😭

(At the horse track) Cashier: No ma'am you can't bet that all the horsies have a good time