It’s 1030 at night and I’m making corn dogs

Some guy at work locked his keys in his van and I didn't have anything, so I used a wire coat hanger I found and got it opened up for him, so if any of you need a mechanic for anything, lmk

I’m about to turn this existential crisis into a shitpost

Grabbing her by her eye lashes all summer☀️I said LETS GO! tweety bird 😒

If I see rage bait, I simply scroll past it *scrolls back up* *scrolls back down* *scrolls back up again*

pullin up home max volume so my family knows big pimpin has returned safely

Tattoo number 23… I think this may be my best one yet 😂

Tell me five random things that you love (that aren’t people or pets) 1. Crab Rangoons 2. Solitaire 3. Plants 4. Manly scents 5. Sweatpants

It’s not a brick in this bag… it’s peanuts

Hey baby let’s turn this Texas roadhouse into a Texas road home

If anyone would like to buy the birthday girl a drink tonight 💕

I have a lot of potential. It’s just sitting there

Back in my day you could go to Walmart at 2:00am and buy a shotgun and a live lobster

She's got that WAP Weird Ass Personality

My bsky license kojira.github.io/bluesky-lice...

I bet doing coke with Billy Mays that Oxy clean guy was a blast… You run out at 3 am and he just looks up at you smiling…but wait there’s more!!!

I can’t help it that my face has subtitles

What if tiddies had strawberry milk in them

You definitely aren’t wrong 🤣

Financial advice: simply stop looking at your bank account

Knock knock jokes are funny until your engine starts making them

Are Amish men allowed to motorboat their wives or do they have to rowboat them?

If you think im anoying now just imagine if i could play the banjo

Like art, I am also meant to be nailed against the wall

I have two moods: leave me alone and why is nobody talking to me

I'd get more sleep if I wasn't trying to figure out where hamsters live, other than the pet store. I mean, have you ever seen a hamster in the wild?

I don't like having sex with music on because I always end up doing it to the drum beat. Got damn Metallica almost killed me one time

I want someone who looks at me like they just found an extra mozzarella stick

Whoever decided it was a good idea to put a “p” in “receipt” was an idiopt.

Did you know this song is about crystal meth?! 🤯🤯

There can only be one felon in the relationship according to peaches (my coworker)

oh look its the girl who swears she innocent but understands this IICYIFY

You know it’s raining outside when you go outside and it’s raining

“Drop it low girl” Me: yeah I can but I won’t be able to get back up

Everybody: DID YOU SEE THAT PLAY?! Me: no 💖

Adulting is weird. How did I go from cat in the hat to eating cat from the back.

I have the emotional stability of a folding chair

A glory hole, but it’s just me getting to hold hands with the little otters through the glass at the aquarium.

Thirst on the main day! Find a pic you love and post it! You’re beautiful and you should show it

Do you ever sit there and think about the lore behind warning labels

At the gym this morning, I overheard this guy telling this girl in the parking lot, 'Don't worry, babe, I'm going to leave her, I promise.'. Summer has officially arrived lol

the man of my dreams is probably just layin in his bed farting right now

people only say 'sus' bc they cant spell suspishus smh

Enjoy this picture of my puppy Nyx eating her first pupcisle

I’m not arguing with no blonde girl Whatever u say barbie, let’s go party

If crime was legal for 24 hours, I would be hitting every bookstore and filling my car

hot pockets calling themselves hot pockets while being ice cold on the inside is why I have all these crust issues

leave your toxic relationship and come get intoxicated with me this summer instead

I have 666 followers 🖤🖤

Them: have you considered the consequences Me: have the consequences considered me