I like to think of myself as a Poet-Philosopher except that the only poems I know have words that rhyme with Nantucket and I thought that Plato was spelled "Play-Doh" until late 2023.

I am dating a psychic. She is really mad at me for something I did 3 days from now.

No one cooks umber right

I was hoping to get at least a nomination for best supporting actor for pretending to care about y'all's Wordle scores.

me: you go first dolphin: oh man you are so fucked

I hate when the algorithm sends me to the lemon water, apple cider vinegar corner of social media.

Clean sweep for ballet and opera.

The last sound you hear before falling asleep in mid-March: "The nominees for sound editing for short animated foreign films nobody but their parents have watched are....

French news channel, LCI, airs a split screen simultaneously showing footage of Trump dancing to YMCA in front of a rally crowd as oil fields in the Middle East are in flames

"Now here's the important thing: We all start out searching for the person or persons who are not fucked up. But the catch is everybody's fucked up and they're all fucked up in their own peculiar way. And YOU cannot fix them. Your job is to decide if it's a type of fucked-upness you can live with."

There's ALWAYS an outdoor couch in these scenarios.

And you thought there was no point to this war

There are lots of guys in Florida who wear full length blue jeans and no shirts. Most of them are riding bicycles in the heat and rain because of multiple DUIs.

Today is Day 3,414 of me not sitting down in the middle of a crowded street and crying my eyes out over the state of the nation. Coincidentally, it is also day 3,414 of wanting to sit down in the middle of a crowded street and cry my eyes out over the state of the nation.

"I'm not really political. I just voted for the guy for yuks. I thought it would be fun to see him shake things up."

I regret to inform America that this was just posted by the HHS Secretary.

BREAKING: Old man beats up Twinkie.

[Applebees, the ides of March, 44BC] Caesar: i’ll have the salad Cleopatra: me too, it’s my salad day Waiter: et tu, brute ? Brutus: *opens napkin* oh great. no knife Caesar: what Brutus: what

Genie: I can grant you anything you imagine. What is your wish? Me: I'm afraid to fly. Build me a bridge from Florida to London. Genie: I'm not saying I can't but that's damn near impossible. Anything else? Me: Okay, get a CNN reporter to ask an effective follow-up question. Genie: 2 lane or 4?

“These are not very bright guys and things got out of hand”

Clever of them to move it there right when the war started.

Other than the Persian Gulf, the Gulf of Oman and the Caspian Sea how was Jared supposed to know that Iran has coastlines? it wasn't mentioned in either of the books he read to do his comprehensive study to be Trump's shadow unvetted Defense Secretary and Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

WELKER: If you were prepared, why is the Strait of Hormuz effectively closed right now? CHRIS WRIGHT: Because it's right near the Iranian shoreline

I’d get along with most everyone, but that’s hard to do when everyone else has standards

Dear St. Patrick: If you are still in the business of driving out snakes, I've got a big job for you. DM me. Your Pal, Sea Tea

Beware the idk of March

Our humanity exposed, our thoughts appear across far flung screens; We are at once, ubiquitous and alone. Our soul fleetingly displayed, scrolls off the screen.

Einstein: Question everything. Me: Why?

Hi is there anyone who would like to receive a pep talk in an upcoming That’s Marvelous newsletter? If so, let me know your situation here!

If you’d like to receive new installments of That’s Marvelous, you can do that here: www.thatsmarvelousnewsletter.com

We are the UNITED STATES OF AMERICA! We have GOT to have more reliable intelligence than Jared Kushner!? And, sweet Jesus, even the mainstream media has to get several sources before going live with a story. Ya think you should have vetted THIS 'excursion' a little more?

If that statement was true, in a normal world it should trigger a Congressional hearing to fully understand Jared's tole and his qualification for that role given that he has never been confirmed by Congress. It is unbelievable that such people are advising the president.

"Based on what Jared Kushner told me I thought Iran Would Attack Us." The blame game starts, it will be epic. Launching a war you cannot win based soley on what Jared Kushner told you is total incompetence. #cdnpoli

Read this headline. Now read it again. Now read it again. You are not alarmed enough. It is later than you think. 🇺🇸 deadline.com/2026/03/trum...

Brendan Carr gaslighting journalists and threatening news orgs doing their job covering Trump’s war—claiming they “must operate in the public interest”? What a disgrace this man is as he backs a demand for propaganda. www.nytimes.com/2026/03/14/w...

I left CNN on so that my parrot would have some company while I was out. When I returned he said he ordered replacement gutters, secured a reverse mortgage and signed us up for a meeting with a class action attorney to discuss our mesothelioma.

“Who’s at the door?” “Bee.” “Fine, who be at the door?”

Shitty idiot = shittiot

The United States White House administration just made sure that Russia got an extra $7 billion a day. There's no way that Russia would help Iran. Right? Right?

"Here's some images." - Getty

“Fee” as in “bribe”

I reckon all the other Ides are jealous that the Ides of March gets all the attention. 🤔

Oscar Viewing Party For One - Tonight's Nominee: Hamnet | Dir. Chloé Zhao This reeks of Oscar bait. Let's give it a whirl

Review: ZERO STARS I'm not a hyperbolic person, mostly. This might be the worst movie I've ever seen in my life. I feel like I need to go for a walk now to get away from it. If you want substance from my review, I expected substance from this movie and didn't get any, so we're both shit out of luck

Evergreen👇

You do not need to cry me a river. A small stream or even a well-stocked Koi pond would be sufficient. I am not an unreasonable man.

I am now doubting everything I was taught as a child. I'm no longer certain that Camptown Race Track was 5 miles long.

I'm actually hilarious if you don't get to know me

Flowers are pretty I'm not a poet Look at this flower I'm not a poet