I'm passing a town in Pennsylvania called Shartlesville. That must be upriver from Schitt's Creek.

it's not even 24 hours into jewish new year and I already broke my Rosh Hashanah Resolution (to be less of a sweetie pie)

Once, we are asking Harrison Butker to stay in the kitchen where he belongs instead of embarrassing himself on national TV.

Every time Harrison Butker misses a field goal a woman gets a college degree

That’s the worst thing to happen to Harrison Butker since women got the right to vote

Am I the only one who enjoys watching Harrison Butker miss field goals more than I enjoy watching literally any other kicker from any other team at any level make field goals?

Every time Harrison Butker misses a kick, a trans girl gets approved for HRT.

I'm seriously thinking about sleeping through October and possibly November.

If your novel is set in the recent, pre-cellphone past and your plot depends on a dilemma that would now be resolved with a simple phone call, make sure the reader understands that by having a character say, "Too bad cellphones don't exist yet."

I only have a few friends but hopefully I’ll be able to get rid of them soon

Friend: hey, are you free on… Me: no, I have to like and repost that day

Oh you're on bluesky? What's your Banger to Cringe ratio?

What a wonderful person

Linus waiting for Equal Justice Under Law.

May Tom Homan receive exactly the same due process as he gave the immigrants he summarily deported to a gulag in El Salvador

A Black teen named Kalief Browder was falsely accused of stealing a backpack. He spent 3 years tortured at Rikers & died by suicide A wealthy white man named Tom Homan was caught by FBI accepting bribes. He was promoted to a powerful law enforcement position This is what white supremacy looks like

Tom Homan took a bag of cash from an undercover FBI agent the right way. by Ezra Klein

I have submitted a FOIA to the FBI for all video evidence & docs created in the investigation of Border Czar Tom Homan & his acceptance of $50K in bribes for favorable government contracts. I'll be publishing updates soon on my human rights newsletter. No paywall: www.qasimrashid.com/subscribe

I used to think concert tickets for headliners were too expensive. Now I think concert tickets for tribute bands are too expensive.

Republicans have the house, senate, and presidency, yet many in maga are still convinced they are the victims. You’re only a victim of being mislead to believe Trump cares about anything but himself

Am I happy? No. But am I living a meaningful life? Also no

I always regret not getting tater tots

Hash browns should be served all day so I can add them to my hamburgers.

Envy Month Icons, Day 20: Leonardo DaVinci, Thomas Edison, and Homer Simpson Set your makeup gun to whore! In "The Wizard of Evergreen Terrace" Homer, envious of Edison, learns even he envied Leonardo. True peace comes from accepting your own place, rather than constantly striving to be someone else

I wanted to get a video of this ghost crab but every time I got close to their hole they scuttled back in, so I tried getting clever with it. I made a little sandcastle and shoved my phone into it, hit record, and walked away. Crab was VERY suspicious of this addition to their environment.

No matter how many adult action movies he does Leonardo DiCaprio will always be that little kid from "What's Happening?" to me.

My gummies disappeared from my nightstand. I have just identified 2 suspects.

My grandfather was mute but like so many men of the Greatest generation he never talked about it.

Where the separate divisions of ANTIFA landed on the beaches of Normandy on June 6, 1944:

"Enough of these fat angel babies. Where is the wing with the poker playing dogs?" -Me... And why my first dates at museums never work out.

Never underestimate your audience, even the doofuses.

I am reading Schopenhauer who believes the universe is driven by a blind, irrational force which manifests as an endless, insatiable striving and lack of fulfillment that are fundamental sources of human suffering, making happiness a temporary and negative state. I wish I had his level of optimism.

Kash Patel just triple dog dared Adam Schiff to stick his tongue to the flagpole.

I was reliably told celebrating political violence was cause for government reprisal and private sector termination.

It is 2025 so I must respectfully request that you take any equivalency whatsoever out of your false equivalencies.

I got an invitation to a Fat Bear Week party in Provincetown. It was not at all what I expected. 🫩

When I totally give up on life I will not announce it but there will be indicators:

One of the great joys in my life is driving my BMW Z3 convertible. When I got married and my wife had twins, my friends convinced me that I had to give up things that I loved. I still drive by and visit all three of them on Sundays.

I'm terrified that someday Piers Morgan will end up on the right side of a values-based decision and cause the Earth to spin off its axis and crash into the Sun.

Young people nowadays have zero appreciation that before Tom Petty we all had to live like a refugee.

The organizers of the annual Methodist Church Bake Sale would like to apologize to attendees. We ran out of room on the church sign and listed it as “Meth Sale”. Unfortunately, this caused some confusion with local law enforcement. Please bring in your receipts for a refund, after you post bail.

Just stopping by to see if my posts have fixed the world yet.

FBI Lunatic Kash Patel has ordered an investigation into the Loyal Order of Water Buffaloes because the blue hats are suspicious.

if you are reading this, you are “Antifa”

Watch them twist themselves into pretzels to justify the hypocrisy

If you're sick of media folding to government intimidation, starve the beast. When ABC yanks Kimmel for criticizing political violence, they've chosen cowardice over courage. Don't just change the channel quit watching networks that bow to authoritarian pressure. Real journalism requires backbone.

Also, I guess it's now becoming a state crime to...describe reality?

Remember that authoritarians have ZERO sense of humor. About anything.

Silly Jimmy Kimmel. He should have just called for all homeless people to be killed and he’d still have a job.

I stand with Jimmy Kimmel.