Today's to-do list: ☑️ Do nothing

Picture me naked! Wrong! There are more police

Movie Idea: Santa Claus is forced to get a job in the city where his colleagues help him to realise the true meaning of capitalism.

Whoever invented Christmas should be crucified.

Reasons to be cheerful: You really have no reason to be sober again in 2025.

How I wish today's music was as good as the songs I hated as a kid.

Drinking too much wine always makes me get all romantic and confess my undying love for more wine.

Always dance like free will isn't an illusion.

I only eat dolphin safe sausages.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a duck that does crimes

For people who call it Xmas, do you also refer to our Lord and Saviour as Jesus X? Because that would be cool.

Her: There's definitely something fishy about you. Me *who is actually a dolphin in disguise* There fucking isn't.

Christmas is just a plot by Big Everything to sell you everything.

I'd be a perfect model for a life drawing art class because my naked body looks exactly like a bowl of rotting fruit.

“I bring you fun” “I bring you sunshine” “I bring you love” The Three Morecambe and Wise Men.

I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.

Last Christmas I gave you my heart…

Doctor: You've got what we call synesthesia. Me: Wow, that sounds sweet.

Pizza is like porn. Neither should involve pineapple.

has anyone else noticed that food tasted better in the past? it was mushy and easy to eat. and the spoon would come at you like an airplane

I dated a girl in college who claimed to be a witch but it turned out she was just really into Kate Bush

moms are just upside down wows

Trying to stay sane in this mad world will drive you insane.

The bad news is, I've failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I've discovered how to turn lead into gold.

I'm sick of the media normalising people looking happy and sexy rather than promoting realistic lumpy flesh bags of despair.

Not going is the new leaving early.

I worry that too many people have forgotten the true meaning of black Friday.

It's well known that pigs can't look up. But what if there's a direction us humans can't look in? Maybe there's a whole world just off to one side that we'll never know about. That would certainly explain where my tuppwear lids are.

Anyone who's watched enough Star Trek knows the best way to defeat the machines is via an unsolvable riddle.

Ever feel like you've been lied to your whole life? *glares angrily at the so-called Equatorial Guinea*

Look, if any of these powerful billionaires had committed any actual crimes I think the police would have arrested them by now. We all should all just respect the process. In the meantime, go back to your hovels and pray for enlightenment.

Stockholm Syndrome is actually very nice and I love it now

Taxing billionaires isn't the answer to everything. But it's a bloody good start.

One of the reasons the Byzantine Empire is so often overlooked in history is it's lack of cultural legacy into the modern age. In that way it is very similar to the 1980s movie series, Police Academy.

the first 24-48hrs are critical for finding Waldo

Floccinaucinihilipilificating is easier done than said.

We're all going to be rich!

The most valuable showbiz advice i ever received ŵas "Never split up with Lily Allen."

If only I'd known how big a market it was going to become, I'd have invested heavily in shysters peddling hyperbolic bullshit.

This reality is far too real for my liking

Pizza is like porn. Neither should involve pineapple.

You can't satisfy me in bed, you're not 7 pillows.

Magician: wanna see some magic? Kid: Yeh! Magician: *pulls free will out of a hat* Kid: That's not magic. It's just an illusion.

Undermine capitalism by living the perfect consumerist lifestyle, but like ironically.

I would never oscillate. I'm just not a fan.

Anybody know any good apps I could use to rot my brain into apathetic numbness?

I hid under the bed for so long I never realised I was the monster.

It's increasingly clear that capitalism is a plot by socialists to undermine capitalism.

Like the humble pigeon, I too can sometimes be found in the rafters at the supermarket

My bank's website is one letter off from a gross German porn site and it's annoying because I keep accidentally visiting my bank's website.