Me "I sold my soul for inconceivable powers" Her "Cool. What powers?" Me "They're inconceivable so I have no way of knowing."

I'm so glad there was no social media when I had a soul.

think I'm correct in saying that constitutionally you can't change prime minister during a Winter Olympics

Maybe it's true that I never take responsibility for my own mistakes, but I blame my parents.

Apophenia is: “the human tendency to perceive a connection or meaningful pattern between unrelated or random things.” Once you know about it, you see it everywhere.

[stuck in a lift] Me: Oh God! Mine artist *mimes being stuck in a smaller lift* Me: OH GOD!

Me: I like what you've done with your eyebrows. Her: That's not my eyebrows. That's my chihuahua.

Classic Starmer: here's a thing I think should happen but I, as prime minister, am not going to do anything about it.

I'd been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.

They say ignorance kills. How I wish that was true.

interviewer: is there anything more you could tell us about yourself? cookie monster: me want cooki- interviewer: besides that

i bet the first surgeon was probably like “eww”

Fuck “the summer you turned pretty”—tell me about the season you went absolutely batshit weirdo.

Thank god today is 1st February, bringing to an end my grim month of alcohol free Tuesdays.

*spends 20 years learning origami. *folds the perfect paper girlfriend. *gets serious paper cuts. *dies of a broken heart.

Me: Why does this cheese taste like soap? Wife: Probably for the same reason you smell like cheese.

You had sex with a clown? Well that's just fucking funny.

was privileged enough to go to an advanced screening, and don't believe what the critics are saying - MELANIA is a triumph. Yes the dance numbers lag a bit, and the Trump birthday sex scene is a smidge long, but the bit in the airlock where the Melania bursts out of Zachary Levi's stomach? Inspired.

You are my machine. I am your ghost. - Cartesian dualist sext

The most important force in human history is stupidity and if you need proof... *gestures at everything*

Enjoy the best of both worlds with a dogmatic cat. Or a catatonic dog.

How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?

“did you see that Brianna Wu was flirting with Elisabeth Holmes by talking about cutting off Brian Johnson’s Johns-“ You bolt awake. You are not online. You are General Hannibal. It is 218 BC. You have seen the future and it cannot come to pass. Rome must burn.

Sometimes I worry I'm doing life all wrong if I ever want to be rich and successful

Stop trying to make Reform's latest recruit look bad with all these accurate stories from his past!

Her: I don't believe in coincidences. Me: OMG! Me neither!

Wave your hands in the air like you just don't understand the concept of having genuine empathy for anyone else.

My look today was isolated wind gust

Today's to-do list: ☑️ Do nothing

Picture me naked! Wrong! There are more police

Movie Idea: Santa Claus is forced to get a job in the city where his colleagues help him to realise the true meaning of capitalism.

Whoever invented Christmas should be crucified.

Reasons to be cheerful: You really have no reason to be sober again in 2025.

How I wish today's music was as good as the songs I hated as a kid.

Drinking too much wine always makes me get all romantic and confess my undying love for more wine.

Always dance like free will isn't an illusion.

I only eat dolphin safe sausages.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a duck that does crimes

For people who call it Xmas, do you also refer to our Lord and Saviour as Jesus X? Because that would be cool.

Her: There's definitely something fishy about you. Me *who is actually a dolphin in disguise* There fucking isn't.

Christmas is just a plot by Big Everything to sell you everything.

I'd be a perfect model for a life drawing art class because my naked body looks exactly like a bowl of rotting fruit.

“I bring you fun” “I bring you sunshine” “I bring you love” The Three Morecambe and Wise Men.

I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.

Last Christmas I gave you my heart…

Doctor: You've got what we call synesthesia. Me: Wow, that sounds sweet.

Pizza is like porn. Neither should involve pineapple.

has anyone else noticed that food tasted better in the past? it was mushy and easy to eat. and the spoon would come at you like an airplane

I dated a girl in college who claimed to be a witch but it turned out she was just really into Kate Bush

moms are just upside down wows