Look, if any of these powerful billionaires had committed any actual crimes I think the police would have arrested them by now. We all should all just respect the process. In the meantime, go back to your hovels and pray for enlightenment.

Stockholm Syndrome is actually very nice and I love it now

Taxing billionaires isn't the answer to everything. But it's a bloody good start.

One of the reasons the Byzantine Empire is so often overlooked in history is it's lack of cultural legacy into the modern age. In that way it is very similar to the 1980s movie series, Police Academy.

the first 24-48hrs are critical for finding Waldo

Floccinaucinihilipilificating is easier done than said.

We're all going to be rich!

The most valuable showbiz advice i ever received ŵas "Never split up with Lily Allen."

If only I'd known how big a market it was going to become, I'd have invested heavily in shysters peddling hyperbolic bullshit.

This reality is far too real for my liking

Pizza is like porn. Neither should involve pineapple.

You can't satisfy me in bed, you're not 7 pillows.

Magician: wanna see some magic? Kid: Yeh! Magician: *pulls free will out of a hat* Kid: That's not magic. It's just an illusion.

Undermine capitalism by living the perfect consumerist lifestyle, but like ironically.

I would never oscillate. I'm just not a fan.

Anybody know any good apps I could use to rot my brain into apathetic numbness?

I hid under the bed for so long I never realised I was the monster.

It's increasingly clear that capitalism is a plot by socialists to undermine capitalism.

Like the humble pigeon, I too can sometimes be found in the rafters at the supermarket

My bank's website is one letter off from a gross German porn site and it's annoying because I keep accidentally visiting my bank's website.

I’ve been in front of the computer too long. Time to take a break and look at my phone.

You either die a hero or live long enough to see the bangers of your youth turn up in adverts for toilet cleaner or insurance or whatever

America: No Kings Britain: No Dukes of York

The older I get the more I resemble the kind of man who would happily "break a few eggs" to smuggle to his corporate masters a load of alien biotech.

oh you’re a nihilist? name zero things that matter

Help a brother out

If you want to share opinions only with people who agree with you, social media might not be for you.

[trial] Lawyer "Could a murderer do THIS?" *points to defendant doing cool tap dance* "I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm."

Only God and grossly misinformed social media accounts can judge me now.

In fairness to Freud, his mother really was fucking hot.

This brave new world is getting old.

Babysitting near a black hole so I can push the kid closer to the gravity well and use the time dilation to grab a long nap.

I've invented a new saying, 'as proud as a Frenchman making strawberry butter', which I'm sure you'll agree is a lovely churn of fraise. #LunchPun

@stephenkb.bsky.social particularly powerful column this week. Quite terrifying and heartbreaking for our Jewish colleagues, friends and family. Thank you for writing it.

Life becomes so much easier when you learn to find contentment in crushing disappointment.

Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world. Genie: done Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same... Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.

In her lunch with the FT the OnlyFans CEO says her company pays more tax than the entire British fishing industry. Quite a stat.

After a period of intense reflection I have decided that no, I wouldn't make a good vampire.

There is a big difference between ignorance and bliss. I'm sick of this false equivalence.

is this the manic monday the bangles warned us about? time will tell

I don't make enough money to pay no taxes

Please know that if you have ever reposted me, I have imagined you naked, floating in space, a universe of stars glittering behind your frozen corpse. You are beautiful.

I got kicked out of law school when I cited joe v. the volcano on my final exam

Let's keep saying nothing in increasingly elaborate ways.

My greatest fear is looking left when the optician says look right.

Jesus loves you. That doesn't mean he has to like you.

Calling Jeffrey Epstein ‘the paedophile financier’ makes him sound like something from Patisserie Valerie

A horse can gallop just a few hours after it's born. It would be cool if humans developed that quickly. A baby pops out and three hours later it’s texting

My unified theory of everything is that quantum mechanics is the operating system of our universe and general relativity is the software it's currently running.

I'm going to open a massage parlour, but with an art house theme. There will be no happy endings, instead you'll get a choice of a melancholic or an ambiguous ending.