Don't mock young people. I'm actually half millennial.

The main two things I look for in a date is she isn't a fucking idiot but she's not smart enough to realise I'm a fucking idiot.

My boss being sacked for watching porn has really put me off porn. Or at least it's put me off watching it on his works computer.

My cat just gifted me a dead bird. I really wish she could speak so I could ask her where the fuck she found an ostrich.

Don't be silly. Unicorns can't fly.

I suffered greatly all afternoon as the consequence of overeating. I have learned nothing and might have ice cream about it

Earth is the worst planet I've ever lived on.

Global warming might be easier to tackle if there was an evil baddie to beat like "Oil Baron" or "Gas O'Line" or "Donald J Trump".

We spent so long pretending to be ironically self-absorbed assholes that we've forgotten we were joking.

I fell for a psyop I saw on TV that convinced me to eat a cheeseburger

The smart phone killed the hobby

Freud: you are a slave to your unconscious impulses. Mrs Freud: really? Freud: All your dreams are about penises. Mrs Freud: OK... Freud: My ego is fucking super and I WANT TO FUCK MY MOTHER! Mrs Freud: *takes away his cocaine*

I never knew what to do with my hands in photographs until I discovered how cool I look doing karate.

Hugely suspicious that the only bird that ever quothed was the raven. Why has a penguin never quoth?

I didn't lose a girlfriend, I gained an enemy.

I didn't lose a girlfriend, I gained an enemy.

I run a parody bank account.

I'm not watching the news any more. It's not because it's scary or depressing or anything like that. I just find it all so depressingly stupid.

Aren't hipsters just repackaged nerds?

I have a bottomless boat full of troubles. Though the first and most pressing of those troubles is my boat has no bottom.

ChatGPT been completely no help in coming up with ideas about how best to redecorate this haunted whale corpse.

I'm just one decent laminator away from owning a very convincing licence to kill.

I flirted with disaster and now I'm married.

Though we all kinda know, it's impossible to define exactly what gist means.

Me *lowering pizza into the freezer* "I love you." Pizza "I know."

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has now achieved the impressive accolade of becoming the first ever presenter of Channel 4's Alternative Christmas Message to have been taken out by an Israeli airstrike.

I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.

"Question everything!" "Why?"

Just remember, death is more scared of you than you are of it.

I'm a happy pig in the sheets and an unhappy philosopher on the streets

Me *Entering the afterlife* Oh fuck, there's more!

Me "I sold my soul for inconceivable powers" Her "Cool. What powers?" Me "They're inconceivable so I have no way of knowing."

I'm so glad there was no social media when I had a soul.

think I'm correct in saying that constitutionally you can't change prime minister during a Winter Olympics

Maybe it's true that I never take responsibility for my own mistakes, but I blame my parents.

Apophenia is: “the human tendency to perceive a connection or meaningful pattern between unrelated or random things.” Once you know about it, you see it everywhere.

[stuck in a lift] Me: Oh God! Mine artist *mimes being stuck in a smaller lift* Me: OH GOD!

Me: I like what you've done with your eyebrows. Her: That's not my eyebrows. That's my chihuahua.

Classic Starmer: here's a thing I think should happen but I, as prime minister, am not going to do anything about it.

I'd been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.

They say ignorance kills. How I wish that was true.

interviewer: is there anything more you could tell us about yourself? cookie monster: me want cooki- interviewer: besides that

i bet the first surgeon was probably like “eww”

Fuck “the summer you turned pretty”—tell me about the season you went absolutely batshit weirdo.

Thank god today is 1st February, bringing to an end my grim month of alcohol free Tuesdays.

*spends 20 years learning origami. *folds the perfect paper girlfriend. *gets serious paper cuts. *dies of a broken heart.

Me: Why does this cheese taste like soap? Wife: Probably for the same reason you smell like cheese.

You had sex with a clown? Well that's just fucking funny.

was privileged enough to go to an advanced screening, and don't believe what the critics are saying - MELANIA is a triumph. Yes the dance numbers lag a bit, and the Trump birthday sex scene is a smidge long, but the bit in the airlock where the Melania bursts out of Zachary Levi's stomach? Inspired.

You are my machine. I am your ghost. - Cartesian dualist sext