Too tough to make jokes right now. Godspeed, non-Nazi American friends. ❤️

the obvious thing for them do is let bovino and noem swing for this, but everyone in the administration has adopted trump’s reflex to double down in every scenario, a strategy that works if you’re the anointed head of a fascist movement and shows up as evidence in your war crime trial if you are not

"Everything in the universe is connected, everything is one" I say as way of explanation after being caught with my dick stuck in a Galaga machine

Even in our pain some real hope is emerging. The NRA just broke with Trump over ICE killing Alex Pretti. The Libertarian Party is calling to abolish ICE entirely These groups do *not* criticize GOP administrations Yes, Alex & Renee are dead & the darkness is real But the coalition is fracturing

I talked to a dog psychic and, guys, the dogs want us to work from home

Mystic Mashup Indivisible in Massachusetts had a Boycott Citizens Bank presence in both Medford and Somerville today. We are considering making this a regular event until it is no longer necessary. Care to join us? www.mysticmashup.org

Memory is a fragile thing in this moment, so it is important to keep in mind that Hakeem Jeffries refused to whip his caucus against ICE funding earlier this week.

We know you’re shocked You’re probably angry You may well be afraid that Massachusetts is next We’re regular folks like you who’ve had enough If you’re in the Medford, Malden, Somerville area and want to get involved in standing up to this regime, join us at this link: www.mysticmashup.org/join/

[Sees guy standing on ledge] Me: "Oh no!" *Realizes it's a co-worker who -- when I asked him "How's it going?" this morning -- said "fine" Me: "Jump, liar!"

At my age it's really hard to explain things to a doctor who has never done drugs

Ruin a first date: How much time will you expect me to spend with the kids in the divorce settlement?

Ruin a first date: When should I have my kids start calling you daddy?

You come to me on the day my brother-in-law's jazz fusion album drops and ask me to do murder?

Lucid dreaming? Thanks I'm already awake in a nightmare

Big snowstorm on the way, but I’m better prepared than most. I’ve already boarded the windows, sandbagged all the entrances, moved my valuables to the attic and now I’m hard at work inflating the raft.

in case you're curious about how angry Minnesota is about ICE, it was -20 today

My very favorite artist is a guy called Rorschach; but he’s very niche— every single one of his paintings is a representation of my mom telling me I’ll never amount to anything.

Life is like a box of chocolates. They both make me sick.

I can't wait to go to the grocery store right before the ice storm and come home with a Chopped basket full of weird condiments

Telling the grieving widow of an asshole “Thank you for your loss”

Happening this Saturday (12pm) in Medford; and across the country. Check out this site for more details on why Citizens Bank does not deserve your money, because it finances private prisons and Ice detention centers: www.boycottcitizens.org/why-citizens... Join us if you can.

If I had a time machine, I would take all your best skeets to a younger version of you so you know how great you become

I blame most of our problems on the teachings of Michael Jackson, especially his self-defeating insistence on our never stopping until we’ve achieved total fulfillment

Stephen Miller Reminds Picky-Eater Son That There Starving Kids In Basement

If you capture Greg Bovino he must grant you three wishes.

There are so many hot guys at this Urinary Incontinence Pelvic Floor Strengthening Clinic.

no greenlander ever called me a libtard

GOD (a long time ago): felt cute and created some dinosaurs last night, might delete later

Stephen Miller Reminds Picky-Eater Son That There Starving Kids In Basement https://theonion.com/stephen-miller-reminds-picky-eater-son-that-there-starving-kids-in-basement/

[Sees guy standing on ledge] Me: "Oh no!" *Realizes it's a co-worker who -- when I asked him "How's it going?" this morning -- said "fine" Me: "Jump, liar!"

think it's nice that all handbag manufacturers got together one day and collectively agreed that women only ever leave the house needing to carry either one single cigarette or an entire human man, it absolutely chimes in with how I live my life day-to-day

Marioquai

It's exhausting texting each of my siblings on their birthday

I like when it’s super cold out because it’s a useful reminder that the outside is constantly trying to kill me.

[staring at engine in neighbors garage] Neighbor: Maybe it's the alternator Me: maybe it's just the spark plugs Neighbor: Maybe we should touch our wieners together Me: can't hurt

fuck it let’s just get super weird with it all ‘til it’s over.

Cars should have 6 different horns for the following scenarios: - Look out - Hello - Sorry - I like your bumper sticker - Get out of the way I need to use the bathroom - That guy in the blue hatchback looks like santa claus

Life is like a box of chocolates. They both make me sick.

me at 20: *owns three pairs of pants* me at 40: we need a 5th crockpot

i don’t think it’s appropriate that old people are my age

"Give me the peace prize or I'll kill you" seems like a pretty funny joke until it literally unfolds on the world stage

I’ve tried very hard to engage with people in this community over the last 36 hours, but it’s clear that the culture here is corrosive and not interested in debate. It’s too bad, because my “Doctor Gizmo’s Patent Snake Oil Cure-All” is well worth the money, especially in this midst of this plague

Just suplexed David Attenborough onto some rare old tortoise

the future is already here it's just not evenly distributed and also really fucking stupid, like so dumb

Me: Oh, you're looking for the good stuff? The real premium content? ​*opens trench coat to reveal several dozen meticulously organized, slightly warm Tupperware containers of leftover pasta* ​Rigatoni is $5. Carbonara is $8. No lowballers, I know what I have

[ER] Nurse: “So what happened?” Me (with 3 broken limbs, fractured skull and severe facial lacerations): “I was walking and chewing gum at the same time.”

I noticed you liked but didn’t reskeet. Was it my comma?

it’s a real triumph of the human spirit when you’re still able to cry despite being on multiple mood stabilizers