ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I'm gonna take a Bublé bath WIFE: You mean a bubble bath, dear ME: Uh...right MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?

Fifa: Here is a peace prize for you because we want the world cup to go smoothly with some games played in the U.S. and we know that you are very angry and crazy man.

Pouring one out for the homies (dropping an excedrin under the fridge)

The only thing that mattes to me about the Netflix/Warner Bros acquisition is that they give assurances to continue changing the name of the HBO streaming service at least 3 times every year.

"I like standing up and saying things."

When you bury me can you leave one leg out of the casket so I don't get hot?

The other day I was panicked because I thought I’d lost my pet chameleon. But then I was embarrassed to find out I’d been wearing it on my head the whole time.

He had salt and pepper hair. And oregano eyebrows. His lips were basil leaves. His entire head was a jar of Italian seasoning

When you’re using a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door the appropriate response is to shout “Yes come in — I’m ready.”

My wife has to stay home to receive a package I ordered. I'm sorry she can't come to your funeral.

Interviewer: What are your strengths? Him: I’m an idea man Interviewer: What are your weaknesses? Him: My ideas suck

You’ll note there’s no passionvegetable

i found a sweater at the mall that i really want to get for my dad but the guy wearing it is being a total dick

iconic art with a holiday twist: thread

ME: [picking up my baby] Well it’s been a wonderful evening, but somebody’s just pooped their pants! FRIEND: Haha, well she’ll grow out of it soon! ME: [not breaking eye contact] It was me

bugs bunny was literally the first guy in drag i ever saw but ok

Weekend read: “Two Days Talking to People Looking for Jobs at ICE” An insight into the motivations/justifications of people who seek a career in “immigration enforcement” www.nplusonemag.com/issue-51/pol...

I wasn't allowed to watch "A Charlie Brown Christmas" as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.

AMERICANS: We don't like soccer. THE WORLD: It is a beautiful universalist sport and you should give it a try. SOME AMERICANS: Oh hey this is cool, we should have some of of this. FUTBOL! INTERNATIONAL SOCCER GOVERNING BODY: We institutionally love fascists and are helping them end civilization.

Should be a fun one: a collective symbolic dumping of ice in the Boston harbor (Tuesday Dec 16th 715pm) www.mobilize.us/indivisible/...

I bet the key perk to working as a barista must be giving the wrong bathroom code to people you don’t like the look of.

scully: victim died of-- The general from the It show: *throws her a file* ever heard of the clown alien

I remember years ago my son telling me he saw a mouse running along the corridor at school. I thought this was bad so of course I phoned the school to complain, because you’re not allowed to run in the corridors.

*mouthful of asbestos I’m having the time of my life.

Each day I conduct little tests on here to slowly narrow down which one of you owns the talisman that can lift the curse off my family name

been seeing a guy on the commute each morning and we always flip each other off. didn’t see him this morning but hope he’s ok, frickin guy

Drive your man crazy in bed by paying a small child to dress in Victorian clothes, and wake him up chanting loudly in Latin at 3am. Then when he starts panicking pretend that there’s no one else in the bedroom.

jumping out of a cake and finding yourself inside an even larger cake

Goods is too modest. They should be called baked greats.

Last thing Rose & Jack cops try before ending I busting into would have my place preferred in Titanic 🤝 Banging on the door

Poe: It’s about a man whose sudden urgent flatulence gives away his horrible crime when the police question him Publisher: Poe: It’s just a draft I’ll tweak it a bit

Drive your man wild in bed. Spray the sheets with fox urine. Carve out several pockets in the mattress and fill them with meat. Hose down the bedroom once a week. Document his activities via a trail cam. Hire David Attenborough to narrate. Publish your findings.

I preserve my youthful appearance by sleeping each night immersed in a giant jar of vinegar.

My girlfriend is absolutely perfect, except for her inability to properly complete multiple-choice examinations — she checks almost all the boxes.

ME: *puts headphones on every night when i go to bed and hear one song before i fall asleep* SPOTIFY WRAPPED: you listened to 483,936 songs over 54,372 hours

We all got that one homie who unleashes a swarm of evils upon the world

Wait. Do men not like this?

Drive your man crazy in bed by paying a small child to dress in Victorian clothes, and wake him up chanting loudly in Latin at 3am. Then when he starts panicking pretend that there’s no one else in the bedroom.

imagine how good it would be for the economy if we were allowed to hunt tech ceos for sport

the problem with evil people is that there are too many of them. the problem with good people is the exact opposite.

Fuck you, Craig.

Removing an ingrown hair but it's my spine.

I fought the law, and the law has considerably more resources than I do.

Accidentally made a dumb joke in front of a man and now he's in love with me

Google drive wrapped says i uploaded 9 files this year

Yo, are you a regular angel or a herald? I'm tired, do I gotta be harking is what I'm asking.

Always a little awkward making small talk with the farrier while he’s working my hooves. “You want the winter shoes?” he asks. “Nailed it,” I say, instantly full of regret.

Ignore the man by the entrance claiming to have “the map the zoo doesn’t want you to see.” And please, please do not take his map.

Pretty sure it’s going to be the source of quite a bit of confusion when Pete Hegseth’s lawyer inevitably tells him to take the fifth.