Even my Southern mother says it's now okay to wish for him to die, guys, it's cool

*races to airport *hurdles through security *sees her at boarding gate *shouts her name *she turns and sees me *romantic music swells “I RAN OVER YOUR CAT”

Imagine being a prophet in like 2015 and trying to explain how stupid everything will get, but being unable to without mentioning affliction shirts and monster energy drinks

YOU: bob dylan is a terrible singer ME: [standing right behind you, making a jackoff gesture]

I loved One Battle After Another but I would have melted down if Benicio del Toro looked into Leonardo DiCaprio's eyes and said "as your doctor I advise you to exit the back clinic door when told to do so and meet me outside"

if my cat is meowing at my kids it's because she's hungry if she's meowing at me it's because she wants to get high

Internet so bad that I could walk down the driveway and put a letter in the mailbox by the time an email window appears.

I have a special gift if you give me a bump I can tell you exactly how many times that shit has been stepped on

there are two dudes at the pub who always hand me cocaine on the sly and I need to get the fuck out of there before guy #2 gives me cocaine because if not we'll be there all fucking night... believe it or not this is a good problem to have

I can’t do this anymore

Running for Congress on a platform of sneaking into Polymarket HQ and unplugging all their stuff. Overflow crowds at a local Knights of Columbus hall roar with delight as I promise to pour Florida's Natural Grapefruit Juice (with pulp) into the USB-C port of every computer in the damn place.

it's crazy how both the Trump administration and AI are learning how actions have consequences at the same time, human children typically go through this phase between the ages of 5-10 years old

How long does a midlife crisis last? Going on about 18yrs and I feel that might be a bit excessive.

why are taters the only thing we’ve totted

Totally normal thing for Senior Counsel at DOJ to tweet out at 2am

Oh so *now* it's the Defense Department

This is the thing about bathroom bans targeting trans people - assault is already a crime! Indecent exposure is already a crime! And laws that protect trans people don't suddenly make them legal

it takes a true warfighter to sink an unarmed ship and brag about it like it proves they are badass or something

I hope that someday those Kraft singles find love.

one time my aunt stopped speaking to me for six months bc i dropped in the chat that chick-fil-a is closed on sundays so their employees can go get their abortions

oh noooo i misplaced my thesaurus im feeling disoriented, lost, adrift, discombobulated, bewildered, unsettled, perplexe- oh wait there it is nvm

Swallowing a couple of dryer balls to soften up my insides.

You tell a rational technology to go to hell and what does it do, the very rational bon voyage that your astronaut heart is afraid of, and coordinates are already go for the funny little space saving smart drill car

I don't think we should be asking the war machine's opinion on war.

Quick question does anyone know how to restore virtue to a decaying society

This can't be the same brain that knew all the channel numbers

(turning a big rusty crank) let’s fire up another day here on the bullshit machine

Please, my masculinity, it’s very fragile

One of the funniest things about the conservative idea of American war is that previously we fought too clean and moral, unwilling to fight hard enough. It’s an enduring myth. But we drenched Vietnam in napalm and agent orange. We used white phosphorus and torture in Iraq and Afghanistan.

Join my new predictive market platform Douchero to place a wager on which one of these guys gets caught with CSAM first.

me, opening my junk drawer: *sees 30 year cable charger that i haven’t used in 29 years* also me: don’t throw it out you might need it

cramming for this eye exam looking at every fucking thing I can

Who is the mist setting on showerheads even for? People who want the experience of being a head of lettuce at the grocery store?

Iran: look, it's simple. We literally just paint the silhouette of a plane on the ground. We literally just nail together some boxes in the shape of a tank. We literally just pull looney tunes shit. Their AI will make them spend $100 million to destroy $5 of arts and crafts. the US: grok is this

Last time i was raptured they were all like no way, bro

You have to admit, Jesus was super-chill for a cult leader.

The passage of space is when you knock over a drink, fall out of a chair, catch your pants as your suspenders snap off. Kinda sounds like time broke up with you

The best way to avoid wasting good money on expensive binoculars or telescopes is by simply standing closer to the object that you wish to view. Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don't want you to know.

If falling down when trying to put on my pants is a sign of how this day will progress, I should go back to bed now.

Still waiting on a motherfucker to tell me how to get to Sesame Street.

My truck is 20 years old. I refuse to grease the cruel wheels of capitalism. Also, I have no $

baja blast bidets

If you're a vegan it is okay to eat a comet but not so much an asteroid because they're a little meteor

What does it mean when your pee smells normal but it tastes like asparagus

not to brag but I can tie a cherry stem using only my cherry stem tying machine

hearing someone say they regularly talk to ai chatbots for anything does feel like they just rolled up their sleeve to reveal a festering zombie bite

Each suicide drone is promised 72gbs of RAM in the after life

Next up, Violent Femmes. 'Six, six, six for my sorrow and seven, seven... no tomorrow!' would really fill out her 6-7 repertoire.

Was going to “like” this skeet but…

The children should learn the classics