obligatory song link: youtu.be/cC-6Z7QXJ9E?...

kids these days don't know how to impress Jodie Foster

have you tried to impress jodie foster lately?

can we stop for just a sec?

Minneapolis is closing schools for 2 days because they're worried ICE might do a school shooting, and that's a completely valid concern

This day in history. 1993. It was reported that scrambling NBC executives offered David Letterman the Tonight Show, expecting temporary host Jay Leno to quit immediately saving the network 10 million for breach of contract but Leno was hanging by his talons outside the window and heard everything.

it's always the most corrupt people going ape shit about corruption

🇺🇸 KEEP CALM and FUCK ICE

Governor I was not familiar with your game

interesting! here's a video i took yesterday of federal agents ramming community members with their car

I like how songbirds are pretty much silent in the winter. It’s like stfu Romeo it can wait til spring

[after my first set as a stand-up comedian] me: man, I can’t believe I died on stage tonight St. Peter: I know, and to be honest your act was awful too

Help is empty, and all the hamburgers are here

no i’m not “detail oriented” that’s where the devil is

I’m not tired because I worked hard. I’m tired because I had to keep turning my real thoughts into polite and acceptable dialogue all day.

Fascism means never having to say you're sorry

is it go there, it’s go there isn’t it

Los Angeles, a friend’s sister is missing. Her married name is Downer but she may go by Christina Fowlie. Please share this so that if anyone has seen her, they can give any information to the police. The phone number is 213 996 1800 and her case number is 25237639

aww shit bro it looks like the freaks got just enough power that the sky daddy fanatics lost their fucking minds and rallied behind their version of king david and the technocrats foaming at the mouth at the profit potential the crazy thing is the freaks are the children of the old shits in charge

Horny for it all to be over.

Good flannels never get washed, a good axe washes them anyway. Inspojack and I'm logging on

I have, on more than one occasion, been accused of making intentionally awful posts. I assure you, this is me trying my best.

a fun prank to play on your kids is to yell "C'mere and gimme a hug!" and when they come running over, jump out of the way & watch them crash through a sliding door

My parents are divorced so we have two January 6ths

Why like the post when you can reply to the cow for free?

hate to be a buzzkill but the star you wished upon exploded a billion years ago

Well, that’s what I get for pissing beneath your eaves on a rainy day

I think I'm ready to wander off into the wilderness and let something eat me

I don't usually stay until the end of someone's credits but you're giving similarity vibes to persons BEYOND living or dead and it can't be purely coincidental

Sometimes when I’m building sandcastles down at the shore I think about all the millions of horseshoe crabs who have raw-dogged it in these very shallows before me

You smell like an old wet umbrella and your head is shaped like one too.

Judges hate this one simple trick (horse lawyer)

Getting kids to do their homework is hard cause they’ll just be like “I know how magicians saw people in half” & then it’s like well shit—fuck subtraction—tell me everything you know

They're doing this so they can call any government program that isn't ICE or the military "rife with fraud" and thus illegitimate. They are trying to manufacture consent to say any entitlement — from Medicare to social security — must be canceled because of extreme edge cases. Don't fall for it.

OVER 50 BLOOD PRESSURE HACK: some indica, a few drinks and spending time with your children after work

data not damage

since my 11yo daughter has spent 99% of her time around me and her older brothers she has developed the most low frequency guttural belches

Irish Setter days and Hey Dude nights

unpopular opinion I guess but I don't think the United States should just use it's military to kidnap leaders of other sovereign nations in order to exploit the natural resources of that nation

I’ve been hoarding clarified butter in preparation for the coming lobster wars

Is the US economy just 90% gambling at this point?

I think the most illustrative example of why AI is so terrible are those fake animal videos. Sure, let's drain the fucking oceans to create videos of animals being funny, something you can easily experience by being near any given animal for 5 seconds

Wikipedia template for every prominent right wing businessman

Crazy to think that Charlie Kirk would still be alive today if Biden’s DOJ had prosecuted him for sending 80 busses of chuds to do January 6th

It's only cocaine if you do it with other people.

I’m sorry, this is elegiac bluesky. You’re looking for clappin' cheeks bluesky. That’s just down the hall, 2nd door on your right

Should I hold on or let go, I never know what to do with my hands.

no taco bell I don't want to contribute to whatever charity you are pitching that's your job who do you think I am Phillip Anthropy?