using a dead ladies corpse that was murdered by the state to measure the depth of engagement on various social media website. tied her off and dumped it in and saw how much froth it made

I always keep a good bottle of wine in the fridge for important celebrations like birthdays, new jobs or promotions, baby and engagement announcements, Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednes…

One of the best ways I know to sort Gen Xers/old Millennials into levels of trustworthiness is to take note of which beloved 80s/90s comic strip they never shut up about. Calvin & Hobbes? That's a good-hearted normie. Far Side? Probably annoying, plays hours of RPGs. Bloom County? Fully radicalized.

just a note that all biometric systems have a threshold setting for the owner to use. If they are getting false positives they can adjust it. If they are not getting "enough" hits, they can adjust it

When my mom went into labor with me, she texted my dad. She told him she's using this thing the size of a graham cracker to type messages into and could even watch TV on it. Dad never got the message because it was in 1973.

being a conservative grifter like this is crazy because how do you completely flip on one of your most central supposed beliefs like this. like this is absurd. does this not embarrassing them at all

COW TOOLS COW TOOLS COW TOOLS

let's talk about sticks baby let's break em right off a tree let's talk albout all the throwing and the fetching that could be

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second hand shops for when your masturbating hand gets tired

INVENTOR OF ICE CREAM: okay okay i’ll make it jfc everyone just stop screaming

time to clock in for my shift at the worrying factory

When I first realized that we were always spinning and stars are not even doctors I said hey, tasmanian devil, do not listen to the meds man you're just really planetary

remember the alamo, the alacurly and alalarry

Looks like I picked the wrong year to take democracy for granted.

one consistent factor to all my dreams lately is I'm driving an older vehicle that I'm worried about breaking down every time I need to go somewhere

never forget: you're dealing with the state that captured a confederate flag during the american civil war and has been saying "oh you want it back? come get it then lol" ever since

i hate the player AND the game (solitaire)

Every privacy policy update: We have found new ways to monetize your data !!

People don't want to hear this but too much baby talk can hinder your cat's language development

There is an area in the ICE detention center in Minneapolis designated specifically for American citizens. Contemplate that for a minute.

Why, you’re more truck than man.

Where I am, the sun sets through oaks and pitch pines and for a minute or so the light is a church

why do you need to reference one of the three documentaries you’ve watched during most of our conversations?

Trying not to tell my story to anyone who would listen, but that's just what the hero in it says. So modest, so heroic. I'm on a streetcorner ranting about the end of the pretty decent latest draft of a script

One of my favorite ways to waste time is to do nothing about everything.

One day in the 11th grade, a friend and I were sitting in the cafeteria, desperately trying to recall the name of the creatures from Land of the Lost. A year later, in the middle of a class, he spun around, pointed at me, and said, “SLEESTAKS.” This was our Google in the 80s.

*picking up four pallets of waffles from the back of the restaurant* i’ll show YOU how to build a house

Wondering how I did it? I boiled water and added two tablespoons of vinegar, baking soda, and lemon juice. I soaked it for 20 minutes, and after that, it looked the same, so I bought a brand new one.

I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.

board of peace ? more like bored of peace hold on more like board of piece wait no that can’t be right more like bored of piece nope more like b

I wrote about my experiences being sexually exploited as a child, and what we need to do to make sure AI doesn’t make that a reality for millions of children. www.theguardian.com/commentisfre...

The "ICE is using military tactics suited for a warzone, not for American streets" rhetoric kinda misses the point that warzones are not naturally occuring. The US military creates war zones from residential neighborhoods and the tactics are not more justifiable just because it's overseas

I once explained New Hampshire to somebody not from here as the Kentucky of New England and it still rings true okay thanks

TEARS FOR FEARS: I wanted to be with you alone and talk about the weather AL ROKER: [starts sweating, loosens tie]

This is the kind of shit that would make you completely outside the bounds of any ancient society, the gods bestow generational curses for violating hospitality

at my bankruptcy hearing, i slide a note across the table to the judge that says ‘can i have a sip of your coke?’

I'm pretty nice but AI generated voices make me want to kill

Now the actual military has to dress like it’s not the military cuz federal law enforcement agencies dress too much like the military

gen z-ers going full 80’s with their hair is my favorite thing Gen Z-ers do

We have ~15 separate radio dispatches, one for each neighborhood, and dozens more for the suburbs/Saint Paul. Each dispatch/monitoring channel contains somewhere between 500 and 2000 people. At any given time there are probably a dozen mobile patrols and 100 on-foot observers in each neighborhood.

looks like the federal government has a hard-on to investigate everyone EXCEPT the guy that shot 3/4 rounds into an unarmed mother just trying to clear her vehicle

bro your maleficent presence is a dark cloud hanging over the hillside on which you dwell, your very existence a stain on the landscape dawg

Remember when lunch at Taco Bell was almost free?

“Do not engage in a winter campaign in bitterly cold areas. You will lose not just your army, but most likely your throne.” - literally every military historian ever “GET IN THE CAR, LOSERS, WE’RE GONNA INVADE MINNESOTA IN LATE JANUARY” - the Trump administration

me: I'm going to get up and walk over there random piece of knee cartilage floating around in my left knee: no the fuck you will not

just got out of an uber. the driver was telling me how he has to work 16 hour days, seven days a week, at two different jobs to afford rent. he doesn't have healthcare and he worries about retirement. "i would feel a lot better if we owned greenland," he told me. then he cried.