only my best friends pull up when I'm hanging from an antenna underneath cloud city

Most of the time the antidote is to simply stop taking the poison

I just randomly decided to watch Empire Strikes Back because something reminded me of when my dad took me to see it in the theater but he was kinda buzzed so we walked into Excalibur and I had to work up the nerve to say "hey dad I don't think this is the space movie" and he was like "okay yeah"

My favourite thing about this website is that no one gives a shit about what I say, which is how it should be.

dined in at a fast food place for lunch today, it was surreal... all touch screen ordering and staff only comes into view to announce what order number is ready. nobody wiping tables, no service and my meal was twice as expensive as it was 20 years ago

interviewer: why do you want a job in customer complaints? me: I think I’m really good at complaining about customers interviewer: perfect, when can you start?

an apparatus is just a gadget that went to grad school

someone once took me down to paradise city the grass was green but filled with fire ants i got all bit up it was awful

a good name for a horse would be Kris Klipclopperston

Young people will never know the joy of putting a cassette tape into a doll's chest

Jesus Christ, this is more dystopic than anything Philip K Dick ever wrote but it’s what the Russo Brothers want for your AI Slop future

USAID 2024 budget: $21.4 billion.

getting placed on an involuntary psychiatric hold for Coco Puffs

teddy ruxpin should have killed us all long ago

no, MORE mister nice guy!

I'm starting to understand why the Egyptians buried everyone who served the Pharaoh in the tomb with the Pharaoh

i don't pretend I postend

Teenage White Female Mamdani Teenage White Female Mamdani Teenage White Female Mamdani Lady with a Bus Lane Mayor Power

Told the new guy at AutoZone I haven't seen him around these parts

Answer: the men who got them pregnant kill them. Not top five. Not top three. Top.

Babe, can you make sure my bib is tucked in regularly when they strap me to a dolly and wheel me to a facility?

Shit like this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore

they are the ones they warned you about

If this time travel experiment works, I should be able to go from here and now and reappea—

not sure why people have such a hard time abandoning problematic creators. I already hate half the shit I like

ME: I love hiking in the mountains. The trees. The fresh air. DATE: Do you have a walking stick? ME: No, I have to carry it. HER: I need to see other people

i'm currently getting mass cancelled on bluesky for simply having clear eyes a full heart and not losing. you cannot make this up.

every time louis armstrong & dizzy gillespie fought, it was said that they were locking horns . they were coming to blows . they were trumpeting their own prowess. they were

You can do anything you set your mind to, you stupid motherfucker.

would you like to see shitler’s face on your passport ?

a book of short stories about the appendix, the coccyx, & wisdom teeth called Vestigial Tales somebody write that down

Joggers? Oh no, dear. These are sitters.

I should post more (less)

I hate to be the asshole dad but one of my kids got busted for smoking weed on a school night, everyone over 40 knows I'm not the asshole so at least I have that

if bluesky was the cesspool of anti fascist trash that MAGA claims it is I'd get more reposts

gotta run the ballistics on that press dinner guy toot sweet because it looks like the secret service keystone cop'd themselves into friendly fire and his lawyers can say he was just in a hurry to show trump his new guns like any red blooded American

I don't think we evolved from apes gorilla tribes have a better system for figuring out who is in charge than we do

sounds to me like she deserves a medal

Gender is a spectrum

Trump's face will be on passports but his base will never know it.

Some of my posts aren’t very good and the rest of them are way worse.

table tennis was popular in the 80s as the tables provided ample storage space for a whole bunch of shit that you didn't use but weren't ready to throw away

No one attempts to assassinate me because I have plenty of ball room

penciled on angry eyebrows today just to save myself some time

Every single time the media asks what voters think, it always turns out the voters have wildly incoherent, nonsensical, absolutely delusional beliefs. The story isn't that the voters are cartoonishly fucking ignorant, it's that the same media asking them, is the media that produced these beliefs.

has the new york times ever thought about doing a focus group with someone who has read a book

ME: what are these red dots on my skin DR: those are bedbug bites ME: oh no what should i do DR: you need to sleep tighter

A guy my age called me a young man on the jobsite last week so I reflexively asked him if he’d buy a case of Schlitz for me and my friends

idk about building a baseball field but if you build up some warm moist rhythmic friction in just the right spot he will cum