i need to be alone right now. everyone unfollow me.

can't working on my flipflop tanline

Roe V. Wade

Pepper wanted to bless your timeline

Dog learning the spatula trick....

I love this.

Nobody at this brunch wanted to see my c section scar. Bitches.

reporting about ballmaxxing on Mother's Day weekend is just another example of the patriarchy's relentless grip on society

In a world where you can be anything, be kind ... ... of a cunt

giant nuts are trending on Mother’s Day. Of course! Of course!

Sure, do the ballmaxxing thing. That will win her over

my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.

What are you wearing? (Not flirty, just judgy.)

Hello, friends! If you see this post it means you haven’t yet muted ballmaxxing. Do yourself a favor and mute it now before it’s too late!

the universe could do something really magical for Mother’s Day and give us all the good news we’ve been waiting for ✨🌟⭐️💫✨💫⭐️🌟✨

I saw your dating profile. You listed "hiking" as a hobby. You mean walking slowly while being out of breath? That’s dying vertically.

my family likes to say that i never finish what i start but frankly, i think that's bullsh

My thoughts are a group chat I can’t leave.

let’s go camping in a fancy hotel

It's wild how so many women became a mother on the same day

Happy Mother’s Day, moms and non moms who are momming. To anyone who has lost their mom or ended up with a shitty one, c’mere and get a hug, I’ll be your mom today! Good morning! 🩷

💖

Words to your mother.

Happy Mother's Day to all the mom's who deserve it.

Hot moms near you really want to be left the fuck alone for a few hours

can’t make it today, i’ve got plans with your mom

Do they make an exfoliating scrub for the brain bc there's a lot of shit I want to forget

I’m beginning to suspect that those other guys aren’t really Mumford’s sons.

Happy Mother’s Day to people who believe motherhood should be a choice and not a punishment.

Frog smoking a pipe.

who up remembering the titans?

ever meet someone and know they've never sung in their car

Hey guys I think our government might be really bad.

Skyrizi sounds like the name of an unaccredited parachuting school.

i have mom issues, of course i hate this commercial holiday

Happy Mothers Day to all of the mothers but also to women who chose *not* to become mothers because you are also the heroes of the world AFAIC. Anyone can have a baby; not everyone should.

She doesn’t want to eat out today, she wants you to eat her out. Happy Mothers Day or whatever

[watching Love is Blind and yelling at the TV] GIRL! STOP CRYING! HE’S UG!

She doesn’t want brunch. She wants you to book her a 90 minute massage followed by a facial and a mani pedi.

who called them hemorrhoids and not ASSteroids?

Get in loser, we're going booping

Saw the cloud that looks like a skeleton jacking off again

You have the personality of low-sodium Doritos.

The extremely rare catcopus.

Replace the beeps of my fire alarm with Samuel L. Jackson shouting, “Fire mother fucker!”