(my first day on the job as a safety officer at the white house) can anyone else smell fire and brimstone?

after millions of views and shares of my Portland Frog art. (thank you all🙏🏾) I got requests to highlight priests, and chickens, and Chicagoans, and T-Rexes, and more… all of us who refuse to bend the knee. so this is for US. 𝚂𝚝𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚃𝚊𝚕𝚕. 𝚆𝚎 𝚆𝚒𝚕𝚕 𝚆𝚒𝚗.

I’ve got a notification on my calculator. Something doesn’t add up.

Big dick energy in a slightly smaller package

(calls in sick) My throat hurts, I choked on a bag of dicks

His slip of the tongue reveals who’s really in charge. trib.al/mIvP0yE “Illinois governor says we’re provoking actions that are unlawful,” Miller said on CNN. “If I put federal law enforcement and National Guard into a nice sleepy Southern town, is anyone gonna riot?”

Mr. Peanut was recently diagnosed with osteoporosis. Now he's Mr. Peanut Brittle.

feeling very...... *flailing all the limbs

Sorry I'm not that funny on here anymore, I'm blind with rage most of the time now

I have to make a phone call. Please send thought and prayers.

[at stoplight] *gets out of car, knocks on driver's window behind me after following me for 3 turns* Me: Are you obsessed with me?

Flooding the zone with shitty skeets

[cumming] oh no not again

cry havoc and let slip the frogs of war

me: I require a compliment him: you’re not as mean as you used to be me: *glares* him: me: *glares harder* him: what I meant was you’re even meaner than you used to be me: *beams*

You’re not truly liberated until you start appreciating sensible undergarments

sometimes I think I eat really spicy food just to feel something

Hey guys please stop calling my girlfriend a “hallucination”

I’m going to hire a detective to help me figure out who has a crush on me

Waffle House. House of Pancakes. There’s a whole griddle real estate market out there.

I made a sound getting into my car that I can only describe as a dial-up modem connecting. It wasn't voluntary, it was a diagnostic report.

Why is it called marriage and not a series of unfortunate events?

Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength? Me: you’ll never hear any half baked ideas from me. i can assure you, i’m fully baked for all of my ideas

A punk band called Adult Circumcision.

If I ever tell someone to “get my good side” in a pic, I’m probably talking about my butt

Love to get an early night so I'm awake bright and breezy at 3AM

fuck with the costume frog and you’re gonna feel the wrath of the nation

Cat person? Dog person? It’s all good until you tell me you’re a people person. That’s fucking gross.

The second mistake is deciding that the best way to clean out the liquor cabinet is finishing any opened bottles.

Why can't I just have a normal mid-life crisis like my gramps and buy an expensive convertible sports car and skip town with the secretary instead of this full-blown existential crisis watching civilization crumble bullshit

TO ALL FEDERAL WORKERS: if you were illegally fired today and have information of wrongdoing or abuse of power by the Trump Administration, our whistleblower tip line is open. We want to hear from you. All whistleblowers are federally protected.

Bluesky so dead, the popular cliques aren't even automatically reposting each other.

The first mistake was thinking that anything called “Bud Light Platinum” would be worth consuming

*charges seven different vibrators*

I'll bet some of you aren't as stupid as you sound

Happy fall, y’all!

All of my shortcuts just lead to roadblocks

One time, this guy laughed at me for liking my own post. Jokes on him, I loved it!

Writes one post. Reposts that one post, every hour of every day until I get everyone on Bluesky to like it.

Bluesky this morning is like getting to a store before they open, trying the doors only to find that they are locked

Mr Rogers was probably a really generous lover

No, I wont be joining you on massivedong

Bluesky so dead, you finally post your tits and no one jerks off.

Sometimes I scroll the timeline and think to myself, MY GOD.. WE’RE ADULTS!

Bluesky so dead, you barely get blocked for your controversial opinions

I'd fold your socks and underwear out of the dryer <slow wink>

When is addiction to outrage being added to the dsm

I guess they were right Supporting trans rights was a direct line to being attracted to inflatable frogs

Blessed are the frogs, for they keep making authoritarians look incredibly stupid

i would never use a reminders app. i have enough apps reminding me about things. i want an app that makes me forget.