I ate the lump of seasoning in my bag of Doritos and tasted god

It's the great Bukkake Charlie Brown

"Stranger Things" final season is 🔥🔥🔥

think i got a blender with a few too many horses. not sure i can handle this baby. i mean the goddamn thing's even got a tailpipe!

Trapping a raccoon to give it a really boxy haircut

[shaking Magic 8 Ball] Should we pull the plug on Grandma

bye bye piece of Chex mix that fell in the couch you live there now foreva

tonight, my mom found out I have social media and wants to follow. she Better like and repost me.

when you have a hammer everything looks like a nail especially watermelons

My dog just barked at me for being in the kitchen. Bitch I pay all the bills

(TV Ad) "Have psoriasis? "Yes" "Want to be able to leave the house? "I leave the house all the time" "But ur a hideous monster" "It's just dried sk.." 'HIDEOUS MONSTER" "I barely think about it" "LEPER" "It's nothing" "FREAK" "Freak?" "MUTANT!" "Mutant?" "GET UR SELF ESTEEM BACK WITH OTEZLA™️"

wishing I could hang out with tippy toe in her tree today

I am confident usually but I will question my whole existence if a touchscreen doesn't respond to my fingie taps

I just read up a bit on AI if you need me I’ll be under the snow drift in the back alley

I want something I can’t have and I’m just glad i still want anything

been thinking about getting one of those window sills you can sit in to make my thousand yard stare a little less off-putting.

We now resume our regularly scheduled loathing.

I don’t want a mute button. I want a button that logs the other person out.

first holiday season after rescuing my dog, i got to thinking about whether or not she’d seen christmas movies before so i showed her some and here are her reactions: thread

It was my turn to put up the holiday decorations

Sometimes people remind you that you deserve better without ever actually saying it

Australia - I have questions.

If you have truck nuts on your Dodge Ram are they called Dodgeballs?

[at the checkout] Cashier: Oh, sippy cups. You have a little one at home? Me: Hell no. These are for my shower scotch.

I'm not ashamed of who I am. That's my family's job.

putting tums on my pizza to save time

Our President is a gigantic piece of shit.

If this guy doesn't stop coughing soon I'm gonna drag him outside by his uvula

Extreme Alvin and the Chipmunks voice: 🎵 Christmas, Christmastime is near Time for drugs and time for beer 🎶

batman would never kill anyone yet bruce wayne has a dozen hooker corpses in his basement

@profanity.accountant lemme have it for fuck’s sake

I think my sex life is somewhere in the upside down

Introduce yourself with 5 animals you've seen in the wild: - Those who drive half the speed limit - Those who don't separate their recycling - Those who stand too close in the shopping aisle - Those who sit next to you on an empty bus - Bin Chicken

if i had a nickel for every time i saved my ass by suggesting we go to HomeGoods i could probably buy a HomeGoods

No Politics for Old Men

The Diary of a Wimpy Bitch Ass President

still tryna decide if my parents cat likes me

they better star sixty fine yo ass

I quit smoking cold turkey but I relapse every thanksgiving

A waiting list for the kids table.

there is no try, there is only doodoo

juggernaut? how many things did they jugger before someone told them no

How long does it take for tryptophan to wear off? Or do I have a secondary high from walking around NYC?

*hits bowl *rewards self with social media *hits bowl *rewards self with social media *hits bowl *rewards self with social media

A Russian blue cat probably utters a Moscow mewl.

To my aunts who said I’d be a real heartbreaker: WRONG.

The Girl with the Cheeseburger Tattoo

I exit the store behind a lady with 2 shovels and a huge container of sidewalk salt in her cart and remember we’re supposed to get a bunch of snow tomorrow. I look down at my cart and see candy cane lights, a string of 4 color changing snowmen and peanut butter m&m’s. We all prepare in our own ways.

I can have a terrible day, but then my big dopey puppy snuggles my feet and nothing else matters

The “fuck it all” in me recognizes the “fuck it all” in you