You guys go and get some sleep I'll stay up and catastrophize for all of us

Of course, I'm into Asstrology. I've been staring at your Gemini twins all night 😏

Why are they called proctologists and not asstrophysicists?

They're dragging your flat ass in Juicy Booty chat

“fuck it like it owes you money” Monday

The FBI called to tell me that they intercepted my dick pics and that I now owe them a new "zoom and enhance" button

I'm taking a correspondence course in badassery

November 23rd, and we still have dandelions.

Guys, c'mon. How did a fucking turtle paint the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel?

Becoming a recluse who is surrounded by such suspicions and mystery that the local townsfolk have come to only whisper my name behind closed doors for fear of violent reprisal is harder than I thought

Be the atrocity you want to see in the world

the scratching sound you’re hearing all nite is me scurrying around in your walls

*God making Gary Busey Angel: "Sir, that's all of our teeth inventory."

*trying to be inspirational "Don't look so down, fella. Fog is just a cloud turned upside down." Person who's car I smashed into because I was speeding in the fog:

*God making Rosie Perez. "I want a human that is also a chihuahua."

Please feed me to a carnivorous plant.

Surgically implanting kidney stones so that I have an excuse for missing family functions

You're only attracted to me because I magnetized my penis.

"Before I dig in, can you tell me if this ass is gluten-free?"

Become unrapturable

If sexuality was a choice, then explain heterosexual women

Thinking about stuff. And things!

please unmute me i have something else to say *armpit farts

In high school, I was voted "Most Likely To Be The Prime Suspect In A Murder Investigation".

Just remember. Jesus took the high road and they fucking crucified his ass. Don't be like Jesus.

Me on the toilet listening to my high friend explain how 5G creates hurricanes.

Hit the high score on Calculator today

"Gotta have my Pops!" I exclaim as I drag my high fructose corn syrup addicted body across an alleyway covered in broken glass and hypodermic needles to steal a bowl of cereal from a homeless man.

Billy Corgan looking ass motherfucker

I feel so silly because I had no idea that I should be panicking.

White people be like how old is this coffee

Are you robbing graves with other guys, yes or no?

I'm not emotionally equipped to handle phone calls

Them..tomorrow will be a better day. Me...lame.

Whispering sweet nothings in your ear in between burps

Sometimes, I like to ignore my own problems and imagine the ethical dilemma that a vegan turned vampire would have to face.

Taking night courses to become a hermit

Muted but not silenced. You might not see it, but I am going to talk about butts, AGAIN.

I've been purposely trying to forget my troubles, but then when someone asks how I am, I say "awful" and can't remember why.

me anytime i enter a room #🪑Co

Pooping indoors ruined us as a society

What if we kissed in the ashes of democracy

I have never apologized for party rocking, and I'm not about to start now.

Are my Party Rock glasses still considered formal attire?