Sprung af

When a stripper discovers the dark secret the house she inherited from her estranged father has been hiding, she wonders who her dad really was. And she needs to determine which of her judgmental neighbors wants her dead. a.co/d/0dkPNMcP There's No Grave Like Home

Starting a pasta mafia. Calling ourselves The Noodle Boys

I'm going quackers trying to learn how to speak duck

Just gonna be a wacky little guy today

𝙀𝙖𝙩𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙨𝙝𝙧𝙚𝙙𝙙𝙚𝙙 𝙘𝙝𝙚𝙚𝙨𝙚 𝙨𝙩𝙧𝙖𝙞𝙜𝙝𝙩 𝙛𝙧𝙤𝙢 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙗𝙖𝙜 𝙗𝙮 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙡𝙞𝙜𝙝𝙩 𝙤𝙛 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙧𝙚𝙛𝙧𝙞𝙜𝙚𝙧𝙖𝙩𝙤𝙧 𝙖𝙩 2 𝘼𝙈. 𝙈𝙞𝙣𝙙 𝙮𝙤𝙪𝙧 𝙗𝙪𝙨𝙞𝙣𝙚𝙨𝙨.

Opening a restaurant called Fiasco where we get to disappoint you just like life.

Ass makes turds Ass may turds Ass is turds Assess turds Assist turds

I’ll make you a beautiful 💩

Out of my element. <reality>

I don’t care, dude. Nobody cares. Like what are you talking about? We don’t work for the media. We’re just people posting about our day

BREAKING: Idiot has an idiot opinion.

Her: "Wow! You just really be hungry. That's you're third helping!" Me: "Not really. I'm just bored so I'm gonna make poop."

𝘼 𝙨𝙪𝙘𝙘𝙚𝙨𝙨𝙛𝙪𝙡 𝙘𝙤𝙣𝙫𝙚𝙧𝙨𝙖𝙩𝙞𝙤𝙣 𝙞𝙨 𝙤𝙣𝙚 𝙬𝙝𝙚𝙧𝙚 𝙄 𝙙𝙤𝙣'𝙩 𝙝𝙖𝙫𝙚 𝙩𝙤 𝙖𝙥𝙤𝙡𝙤𝙜𝙞𝙯𝙚 𝙛𝙤𝙧 𝙬𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙢𝙮 𝙛𝙖𝙘𝙚 𝙬𝙖𝙨 𝙙𝙤𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙬𝙝𝙞𝙡𝙚 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙬𝙚𝙧𝙚 𝙩𝙖𝙡𝙠𝙞𝙣𝙜.

Sitting in jury room deliberating a pay for play case. All jurors: oh he’s guilty! *feeling the $200 dollar bills the defendant slipped me when he walked by the jury box in my pocket* Me: hey now let’s not jump to any conclusions here! He seems like a nice guy!

Space cowboys be like, "What in starnation?"

I am not a human. I am an eclectic collection of various cells and bacterium

Dear streaming platforms, I neither need nor want to see a promo for another show before I start watching the show I CHOSE to watch. Warmest fuck yous, Beardium

Don't touch that. It's my emotional support song repeat button.

a hotwheels raceway track, but as an outdoor urinal. would have piss loop de loops and piss ramps and everything

*hisses, covers face with cape "Huuuumans!" ~me when I Ieave the house

*Status update*

This is going to be a completely wholesome account from now on. Anybody who has a problem with that can get fucked.

𝙏𝙝𝙚𝙨𝙚 𝙙𝙖𝙮𝙨 𝙄 𝙟𝙪𝙨𝙩 𝙬𝙖𝙡𝙠 𝙖𝙧𝙤𝙪𝙣𝙙 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙜𝙧𝙤𝙘𝙚𝙧𝙮 𝙨𝙩𝙤𝙧𝙚 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙢𝙪𝙩𝙩𝙚𝙧 "𝙝𝙤𝙬 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙝𝙚𝙡𝙡 𝙞𝙨 𝙩𝙝𝙞𝙨 $𝟭𝟮?"

𝙏𝙝𝙚 𝙡𝙞𝙣𝙚 𝙗𝙚𝙩𝙬𝙚𝙚𝙣 "𝙦𝙪𝙞𝙧𝙠𝙮 𝙝𝙤𝙗𝙗𝙮" 𝙖𝙣𝙙 "𝙤𝙗𝙨𝙚𝙨𝙨𝙞𝙫𝙚 𝙘𝙤𝙢𝙥𝙪𝙡𝙨𝙞𝙤𝙣" 𝙞𝙨 𝙢𝙤𝙨𝙩𝙡𝙮 𝙟𝙪𝙨𝙩 𝙜𝙤𝙤𝙙 𝙢𝙖𝙧𝙠𝙚𝙩𝙞𝙣𝙜, 𝙩𝙗𝙝.

What do you call a gnome who has good rhythm? A metrognome

I would rather have a root canal done through my ass than to ever hear a U2 song again.

Becoming anaerobic

They canceled my Ass Store credit card

How am I gonna know you love me. You throwing those red heart emojis at everyone.

I once found a free baby in a well

Burning out like a meteor ☄️

Shit your mouth!

I just overheard my mom tell my dad to eat her cream pie. Weird because dad was never a dessert person.

Your post is my 13th reason.

Unhurt your butt, bro. It ain't that deep.

No one: Bob Evans: "We're putting your beverage in a small mason jar."

my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.

Out of the frying pan into the caldera.

Apple ios liquid ass

I have more sniz than riz