The problem with doggy style is that you never see em coming

I really thought I would have been roped into an elaborate heist by this time in my life

Did you know if you line up 5000 hot dogs end to end, they wouldn't reach the moon?

He's a 10 but I made him up

Let me smell the leather in your new car tho

99 red piss balloons

X-Stream Piss Sports

I need a new piss butler.

I will never ride in one of those fucking clankers

The best thing about this weather is that now my car has free heated seats.

Putting on a brave face and dying inside instead of immediately decomposing in front of you

But I wanted to go in that back room

littered with partially consumed beverages and still thirsty, so is Bluesky on Thursday

Reminder to sporadically check on your goths in this heat. Check under logs/in shaded graveyards and leave out a little dish of water at dusk.

Happy "Welcome to Earf!" Day for those who celebrate

My toxic trait is having an ass that won't quit fucking farting

Congress is expected to approve the integration of the israel and U.S military, assumably a foreign military will get benefits you pay for and your sons and daughters will commit genocide and die for a foreign country.

Mutes the words, Taylor Swift. Ahh, much better

I only fuck with people who have mad aura, bro

Is it fall yet

I underestimated your post frequency when I turned on notifications for your account

If Jesus was Mexican would he have been crucirefried?

I’m no doctor but it sounds like you have a kimical imbalance

Crashing out? Nah, son. I'm crashing in.

Bob Loblaw lobs law bomb.

Them: "Want to come to the orgy next week?" Me: "No thanks. I'm not good with group projects."

I reposted you. We're basically married now.

Everything I've ever done has been for the secret camera that's always filming me.

Chilling indeed.

meet at andromeda at midnight

#HumanDignity has no passport and does not lose its value when crossing a border. - Pope Leo XIV #immigrants #refugees

Fuck politics. Let's rap about your favorite Smurf

saw this and thought of you ♥️

Hey y'all. Thanks for checking out my blog. It means a lot to me ❤️ inkancestry.blogspot.com?m=1

You’re clearly not doing anything important so listen to this.

Them: "Why did you bring a donkey to the orgy?" Me: "I thought y'all said you wanted to eat ass."

From the twisted minds that brought you Mrs Doubtfire 👵

Welp. Today was a shit show

Roy never recovered from the blast of concentrated methane he inhaled while eating a cow's ass. He was kept on life support for six months until the plug was pulled and his body was sold to the KFC Rooster Science division.

When I die, please create an elaborate and complicated mechanism that flings my body comically into an abandoned quarry or nearest body of water

Giving the doctor a vial of hotdog water for my urine sample

Water drinkers be like: "I sure do like peeing every 15 minutes."

Lost my job as a Funeral Home Director because instead of saying "Sorry for your loss." to the bereaved family, I'd roll my eyes and shout, "Oh boy, here comes the water works!"

People won't drink from a glass with water spots on it. But they'll gladly eat a stranger's ass.

"This is itchy and tastes terrible" I say to myself as I eat more of the cotton candy I found in the attic walls

had a dream where this was a game but all it let you do was wait in a cave for 400 years

Robert Smith: I don't care if Monday's black Tuesday, Wednesday, heart attack Thursday, never looking back It's Friday, I'm in love Me: TWO heart attacks? And you're never looking back? Seriously we need to get you to a dr

King Kong movies are inaccurate because he’d definitely have a very conspicuous ape wiener. I guess it would distract some from the plot, but the real distraction is the obvious omission of a giant furry gorilla beanbag swinging to and fro while he swats at helicopters

I saw a boob once

Lawry's Seasoning Salt