As a man with a beard, I have no emotions, and I can only approximate crying.

Young people: We don't want global climate catastrophe Elected Dems: Hello 911? Send SWAT Young ppl: We don't want genocide Elected Dems: Hello 911? Send SWAT The worst adults in any given room: We have illegally occupied this federal building Elected Dems: Hello social media? This is a crime

⚠️ this user’s page is a safe space for anti-swifties

Why didn't Fred Flintstone just walk or run to work?

it doesn't really fit the cadence of the song but also additionally TURN YOUR ADVERTISING TRACKING NUMBER THAT U PROBABLY DIDN'T KNOW U HAVE OFF 🎶 TURN YOUR ADVERTISING TRACKING NUMBER THAT U PROBABLY DIDN'T KNOW U HAVE OFF

🎶Turn the AI off TURN THE AI OFF🎶

We should have just stopped in 1998. We never should have partied like it was 1999.

Yay! YOU. <derogatory>

Welcome to your 40’s, when all you need to do is look at something wrong and you somehow both hurt yourself and gain 10 pounds

wait hang on need my glasses for this

I said what I said.

Dandelions after dark

*me, visiting your grave "Are you mad at me?"

Sorry, can't. I'm going to a chicken nugget tasting tonight.

Writing a shitty poem called, "Words About Turds".

askig cop u got a permit for that steely gaze ?

*sees the mummy in The Mummy "Oh, that's why they call it that."

Interviewer: What's your greatest weakness? Me: I dunno. Working, probably.

"Is that an interdimensional rift in your pants, or are you just happy to see me?" ~ Me, flirting with Cthulhu

octobr first so i feel like giving this to all my bros

Visiting the morgue so that I can be dead vicariously

Being omimpotent means you can't get a boner anywhere

Sorry that I asked your mom about that weird thing on her neck

Sorry that I can't make your wedding, bro. I'm saving up all of my sick time for the upcoming apocalypse.

Sorry that I wasn't very cash money the last time we spoke

9-Way Slide Hammer was my nickname in college

Do you read Sutter Cane?

tarzan was raised by gnomes

the urge to listen to yacht rock and hard rock simultaneously

Sundays have become worse than mondays. Can't bring calm and shit anymore.

Spent 3 months and tens of dollars to grow one radish in my Aerogarden

The times are feeling very Sodom and Gomorrah-y, which unfortunately I mean more in a "we have become so evil that we are about to be biblically wiped out" way and less in a "everyone is having gay sex" way.

I want my next home to have to stalls in the bathroom. I wanna poop with my houseguests

I'm quiet but my thoughts are loud.

i took tylenol while i was autistic and now my son is pregnant

they’re putting tariffs on the labubus

Let's call these ICE "deportations" what they really are. Ethnic cleansing.

ICE is a domestic terrorist organization

🎵My milkshake brings all the ants to the yard. That's right, I spilled it on the ground. 🎵

starting a mashed potato OF

They finally have the technology

Lazy Marmalade doesn't understand that visa and asylum can have more than one meaning and can't pronounce acetaminophen, but go on and tell me again how he's playing 4D chess

Bitch, I don't remember asking you ~ A bitch who didn't ask you.

ME: It's medicinal... COP: First of all, there's no such thing as medicinal murder

She's awwtistic. Cute and on the spectrum.

What are they gonna do with all the Tylenol when only the autistic people are raptured

As shirts, mug, pin, sticker, and magnet www.etsy.com/shop/AntiTru...

BREAKING: Florida cop treated for autism after exposure to tylenol during traffic stop