bro did you seriously not heed the teachings of yore

You look like eerie, jaunty piano music plays every time you enter a room.

i know you mean well but let’s work on your delivery *cats 😳

Oh what a wicked web we weave when we like weave wicked webs and shit like that.

Well, I've made it an hour so far at work and haven't fucked up the date yet.

Just bought tickets to De La Soul in Feb. Back on my BS.

hey gamers upgrade your GPU now pricing possibly astronomical in the near future

I think I woke up shorter

Melancholy is preferable to anxiety, I suppose

Hey, okay, but like… what the fuck, actually?

I opened the freezer looking for junk food and a pot pie flew out at my face like “bitch, eat a vegetable or two”

The soundtrack of my seclusion is all B-sides.

You never truly understand moonlight until everything else is pitch black.

said i was making jambalaya for dinner and immediately my dad and kids starting singing the jambalaya song and i wish i could bottle this spontaneous moment of joy and keep it with me forever

Someone who sees you.

I have a date with a puzzle.

if at first you don’t succeed, settle down and take a nap. you gave it your best shot champ

not to brag but just stood up and didn’t hear a knee pop

for sale: pear tree. partridge died

if you open a la croix now it will still have no flavor in the new year

there should be a button on tv remotes that if enough people press it at the same time the person talking gets zapped

you know first aid? followed

I don’t have anxiety, I have premonitions in business casual.

I'm really too tired for all that. Me, to everything.

Everything is questionable. And I'm no longer asking.

sick of my shit? i have to deal with this 24/7

switching your phone off of dark mode is worse than looking at the sun early in the morning

In my defense officer, that police chase was so last year

Stressing over one mistake is ridiculous . . . you will probably make many more, wait and stress over all of them together.

Sometimes people don't deserve the benefit of the doubt . . . Sometimes people deserve a slap upside the head.

Sometimes I take my glasses off because life looks better that way.

don’t change a thing ~INXS

new year ancient me

nothing makes an exclamation point like a well placed drum roll

Fluffy snowflakes are still falling from the sky

few years away from being half a century in age spending these precious years dancing and enjoying life *post hidden by society

midnight countdown to the stars (every night)

Might just fuck around and have a great 2026. I hope you do as well.

Just like Vegas..what happened in 2025 stays in 2025.

they didn’t make it to midnight

hey guys where do we find the highway to the quiet zone all i can find is the danger one

jumping out of a cake and finding yourself inside an even larger cake

how many nuns could a nunchuck chuck if a nunchuck could chuck nuns?

doing a 2025 Wrapped for my family but it's list of all the chores left undone

just closed 499 iphone safari tabs sight-unseen who wants me

if something scared the poop out of you that’s called a spooky dookie

I never take the moral high ground because I'm scared of altitude sickness

My faith in humanity is agnostic

Me: what’s said in the break room, stays in the break room HR: yeah, it doesn’t work like that

my people-ing battery is dead. just put me on the charger and forget about me until next year.