America. You're in danger, girl.

If you’ve seen a panda at the zoo, you’ve seen my best sex moves.

They should invent news for happy thiings

I hate it when I walk into a hotel in California and forget why I came in and then try to leave, but no. No sir.

sorry I haven’t been online lately I’ve been trying to pull up my yoga pants

Even the men here think the men here are morons

Idk but maybe when the Ambien is kicking in isn’t the best time to be making decisions. Or maybe it is?!

Life is so much easier in theory than in practice.

I love summer.

remember to recycle your feelings. for the planet.

this is your reminder to lift your leg and give that baby a gentle shake to wake it we ain’t tryna fall over in the employee bathroom today

who was this Toby character and what beef did Hamlet have with him exactly this might be the worst tweet ever written, but here we are.

One day you’re young and the next thing you know, you’d rather have dinner at 4:30pm than risk waiting 15 minutes for a table.

watching my bright whites progressively fade to grey and pretending it isn't a metaphor for my life

One of those monthly subscription boxes but for undetectable poisons

It’s Friday I’m in love with improved lumbar support

binge watching my dogs until further notice

Reconsider your friends if you wouldn’t want them on your team during a zombie apocalypse

Face down, ass up, baby. We're gonna win this wheelbarrow race.

I can’t take you seriously if you take yourself too seriously.

Regret. It's what's for breakfast.

fun first date idea: trust falls from a busy overpass

Slept like it was my job that I'm not very good at

wait how do the muppets poop

Not trying to brag but I’ve been called “really old” and “not funny at all” by some people I support financially

no but he was measuring from under the balls, your honour

Of course I know the world is spiraling out of control. That’s why I got us these slinkies

[yelling over club music] I said grief is a rain that falls on everything

No passport needed to get into Italy, just a stylishly knotted scarf.

They still sell fruit flavoured cigarettes in Mexico so now I smell like both a banana and an ashtray and I am ready for you to love me.

this is my emotional support full erection

the movie Grease, but Travolta plays Vincent Vega in it what about that then?

Yikes. Fellas. Do better already. Or, you know, sit this one out if you can't.

Actually this *is* my first rodeo when do we eat the horses

i'm so very, very sorry about me * me on a first date

A spot of spontaneous combustion would fix me.

Nobody here should calm their titties.

"Thanks for the opportunity" ~ Me, after job interviews and first dates

Dark circles under your eyes are the new black.

he: I wanna take you out me: with a bullet? 😍 he: no, on a date me: lol. no … no, you don’t

Sometimes I know exactly when to shut up. Hardly ever though.

Pretty sure long weekends only exist so people can ask each other if we have anything special planned for them

A reboot of The Neverending Story but this time it’s about laundry

How did people know who wanted to sleep with them before reposting was invented?

Age is just a number. “Number” is just a word. Words are just letters holding hands

10 Facts About Electric Eels Number 5 Will Shock You

when Michael Jackson sang 'weehoooo urgh' ngl I felt that in my soul