i love the earth bc it allowed humans to evolve and they invented churros and muscle relaxers

starting to think that Shaggy was so high that he imagined Scooby talking. it's an unsettling thought tbqh. not Daphne tho'. she's real as fuck.

You had me at 'i own a flick knife'

I thought it was love I was feeling but it turned out just to be kidney stones

Would it help if I played my flute?

i’m such a tradwife that i can’t climax unless i’m fantasizing about churning butter

she had a wonderful way with a bayonet boy I miss her

you know what would be funny? if a weather person named mary said to “expect hail” & then the anchorman could wittily reply “hail, mary?” & then the other anchorman could look @ the camera & say “that’s what she said” & then i would say to myself “send post” & then

So I said to myself Pumpkin, I said, Pumpkin, you don't need a girlfriend, you need a hobby and a nice cup of tea.

It was Gary Busey in the attic with a lobster fork

In a toxic relationship with my banking app.

make america sane again

If you die in your dream you dye your favourite denim jacket a pale aubergine colour irl apparently.

speak softly and carry a big stick of butter

I really hate how fucking dumb people are now, like we're walking around with fucking computers in our pockets and people can't spell basic words right.

You ever commit to a bad idea mid-air?

I'd really appreciate it if someone could help me understand this * gestures at everything

Mannequin Skywalker

'Does JD Vance give the Pope advice on Catholicism' is the new 'do bears shit in the woods'

that’s how I should answer the phone at work -me when someone screams in a movie

Who wants to come over and melt pens with me?

someone told me it’s called the mall bc you don’t just want to go to one store you want to go to them all. and now i can’t sleep.

*seductively poisons your tea*

Iran negotiations are a circle jerk of liars who keep jerking & circling while the world looks on thinking just put your dicks away & let the women sort it out 🤦🏻‍♀️

I, too, am served fresh daily

hey babe, what do you say we turn this steakhouse into a steak home?

cutting toxicity out of my life by only engaging with people with one syllable names

I Completely Support This Petition….

*takes a hit off my asthma inhaler wanna make out now

My bank flagged my debit card for fraud because I spent $46 at the liquor store. Like omg assholes, sometimes I’m fun.

tried to entice the girls to the yard with my milkshake. mixed results.

When in doubt I always ask myself; what would Joe Pesci do.

Meet new people!? I'm trying to tolerate the ones I know.

Progressing to the next stage of our relationship. Bank Robbery.

Progressing to the next stage of our relationship. Interpretative dance.

ate a hard boiled egg too fast just to feel something

I hate that saying “if you know you know” because no I don’t know

I think we need to bring back public booing.

Less Pomp, More Circumstance!

Seriously thinking about giving up the rat race and becoming a magnificent tree along the side of a river or canal.

Desperate for *tactile human interaction * a punch in the face

Just to give a sense of the insane scale of billions of dollars…MacKenzie Scott got about $38 billion after divorcing Bezos in 2019. She has become the world’s most generous philanthropist, giving away over $19 billion…and she’s currently wealthier than she started. Just. Tax. Them.

nothing like a nice cup of coffee on a rainy morning ❤️

Crabs, because we needed sideways walking, claw wielding, stalky eyed nightmare content.

In Poland, pole dancing is just called dancing.

how are your new year’s resolutions going? my resolution was to scream more and i’m killing it.

The JD in JD Vance stands for Jolly Draughty and it refers to the space between his ears.

Accepting new knowledge by funnel only.