my new thing is for 2026 and beyond is calling people intellectually challenged instead of stupid. people feel better about themselves when you flat out call them stupid.

It's been Saturday since Wednesday

I is bruised, swollen and dry

Locking eyes as I lean in, our breath’s baited with butter, noses touch…

You know what people do on black Friday in Pennsylvania?? Sight their hunting rifles. Same energy different target.

Given the state of the world right now, the light at the end of the tunnel is probably a fucking train.

bacon grease between my toes

Boobs.

No thanks, Doritos, I prefer my ranch a little nerdy.

meep meep, am I right

Blah blah picture from your device

White chocolate is just confection THERE'S NO CHOCOLATE IN IT STOP LYING

I'm standing outside watching the sun rise and a bird(gray junko) darted across my face so close I felt the air pressure from it's wing on my nose and lips holy fuck.

When you think it's Sunday but it's actually Friday

my balls are so old and salty I named them Statler & Waldorf

It's all fun and games until I match your energy

She blinded me with science. *pepper spray

Can't wait to get crossfaded and watch a movie after everyone goes to bed. Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

yeah www.youtube.com/watch?v=nKcn...

"This reminds me of your dad" -Your mom, with her fist inside the turkey

Stanley sad because he's not allowed at the table

if i ruled the world, today would be international chinese take-out day.

The Earl of sandwich was called John. John Sandwich invented sandwiches. Now when any of my kids ask who invented stuff I'm going to tell them it's John and whatever the item is. I.e. John Cardigan invented cardigans. Being a parent is finding new and unusual ways to amuse yourself.

The #TarotCardOfTheDay is the #AceOfCups. Today is a good day for new opportunities to get the blood pumping - a new relationship, flirtation, creative project or outlet… be open and let your heart lead the way. #tarot #tarotcards #cardoftheday #gaytarot #queertarot #tarotsky

Happy Tink-sgiving!!!

"I say we take off and nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure."

If you want your family to leave early, passive aggressively leave on the Family Massacre marathon all day, they'll get the hint.

My reposts are doing much better than my posts are tonight. Sounds about right

Happy Thanksgiving to those who partake. Merry Thursday to those that don’t.

The plural of "deer" should be "dire."

Hot Take: The best Holiday pie is actually Pizza with pineapple on it.

How I'm rolling up to Thanksgiving

We get it you're a middle aged milf who loves sex who is also snarky, there's literally thousands of you out there you're not special

Holy fuck I went to bed at 8pm and slept all the way to 5am are pigs flying too??

Ahh Iowa, where the rain smells like manure

Might throw my phone in the sea to prevent me just posting this nonsensical stream of consciousness all night

Mama told me not to come - Sigmund Freud

The perpetual rain and daylight that ends at 4:30pm isn’t ideal, tbh. However, sometimes it makes for solid passing moments. 📸: Newport, Oregon

You'll be visited by three spirits The three spirits:

you wouldn't know my shitposts, they go to another social media site

Most time consuming dishes done, with the exception of the creamed spinach which I will conquer tomorrow. Thanksfuckinggiving yo.

Thanksbutnothanksgiving

A couple carrots for spike

If any upcoming tech genius wants to make an absolute fortune, create an app that blocks all AI and you will be a squillionaire overnight. Please can I have 10% for the idea thanks.

Scrambled eggs at 530am in bed because why not

You wouldn't survive a day in my mom's vagina, Charlie Brown

Had a nightmare so I'm up now I guess

Urinating in the corner of the grocery store while showing my teeth to passersby to establish and maintain dominance over fellow shoppers