Last time I sat through a whole soccer game somebody’s mom fed me orange slices out of a Tupperware container.

Betty Crocker? I bet he barely even KNOW her.

When you piss into the void the void pisses back onto you

Dan Brown writes books called shit like “The Lost Symbol” but you could literally just skip ahead and flip the pages until you find the symbol.

Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick and Tich > The Monkees

I like to think that the subject in Third Eye Blind’s “Jumper” was singing to the subject in Collective Soul’s “The World I Know.”

If you hit a golf ball at someone and forget to say “fore” you don’t have to say sorry just say “aft”

Sisyphussy

Morgan Wallen shouldn’t have more money than me, a person who doesn’t use the n-word.

I don’t know much about X-Men but shouldn’t the guy with the lasers coming out of his face accidentally killed everyone by now?

I think I missed the memo that I’m supposed to count to five starting with my pinky.

Long time ago my band was opening for Dead Meadow in Chicago and they were loading in and after an amp went past me I found a huge bag of weed. I scooped it up and after the show rolled up a big ass joint and we smoked it and stumbled to a White Castle for the most surreal burger-eating experience.

Spoke to the divine feminine this morning. She said to tell you to fuck off.

My pitch to Pixar/Disney for a live action Toy Story: Person 1: “Hey, what’s the story with all these toys?” Person 2: “The what?” Person 1: “The toys. What’s up with them?” Person 2: “No clue.” FIN

I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to get this high again but I’ll keep trying

I just read the words “leftover tacos” and I’m now confused as to how that’s a thing

Those who don’t learn from the pasta are doomed to reheat it I am not even sorry you read this

Who called them gigolos and not Peter Sellers?

Do you buy your groceries pre-frigated or do you refrigerate yours?

Three. That’s the maximum amount of words that should be allowed on a t-shirt.

I refuse to say “Cali sober” out loud

Did Brando and Newman ever play brothers follow up question why the fuck not???

Sha-Na-Na at Woodstock is when the second timeline started

Those little baggies they give you at the dentist make you 60% less fuckable

What if when they created us the aliens designed our genitalia to look like them?

Zepbound and Down

EYEHATEGLASSES

What if Bret Michaels is just Michael Keaton with a wig and some stick-on facial hair? Like Tony Clifton style.

Technically we all come from the land down under, when you think about it

Piss is our brine and we are the pickles.

Crab Rangoon is just mini crab cheesecakes

The singular for berry is berro.

Fuck this shit. Let’s go camping.

Alcohol people can’t even stop fighting and puking long enough to agree on a spelling for “whiskey”

If I was rich I’d have indoor shoes

I need something to do to my brain what Tim & Eric did to my brain 15 years ago

I hope Iran beats the United States. Not the World Cup, just in general

Kinda just think that nobody should do the Trump dance

Ok, now do no sports for a week.

Never made it as a wise man, huh? Great, I love listening to songs written by fucking idiots.

Solid weekend

Maybe losing your poor meatball when somebody sneezes is a good thing actually

Snakes on a plane? No problem. Snakes IN a plane? We got a problem.

Dr. Frankenzappula

Whenever I clean my glasses I feel like I’m about to head into a PTA meeting or something

Seems kinda dumb that they built a highway that goes through the danger zone. You’re pretty much asking for it at that point.

Wait, we’re jamming?! I thought that jamming was a thing of the past.

I’ve never had a love supreme but I’ve had more than one taco supreme so I think I’m doing pretty good

If you have a Punisher decal on your car but think Luigi deserves a prison sentence then you’re Punishing wrong