Why is everyone watching Lost Boys today?

I’m a lot like Jesus. If you don’t nail me I’ll be cross with you.

Good Friday is just imprisoning and torturing immigrants Roman style

Arugula is just lettuce for people who wanna feel smart

If John Goodman’s middle name was Feels then he could be a toilet review

Just bought this. Please clap.

I don’t know who started the hand heart gesture thing but it stops now

My favorite sports brand is Umbro because it sounds like something you’d say to your homie after he shows you how he can tuck his genitals.

Why spend so much on truffles when you could just dig a hole, fart in it, cover it with dirt and come back in a month?

Watched The Bone Temple, against my better judgment. This is a new low for Ralph Finnes. 2/10

If you love me so much then why do you hold my phone without touching it with your fingers?

Happy April fools! Or, if you work for the Trump Administration, happy April.

How about World Cup my balls? World you do that for me?

After my vasectomy I can no longer spread my seed but I can still splatter my batter

I got my band into Chavez and I didnt even show them this video

I’m here to chew gum and smoke weed and I’ve got plenty of both so get comfortable

I’m dabberblasted!

How do flat earthers explain the lyrics to Fat Bottomed Girls?

There’s a rule that you have to put your niche kinks in your bio. That’s just the rule.

DM stands for dick meat

Shiver your own damn timbers, I’m trying to steer this ship

I don’t want to rest in power I just want people to stop pissing on my grave

They should invent a Tiger Wouldn’t

Bishop is kinda a weird last name. Like, aren’t they not supposed to fuck?

How about “1, 2, buckle my shoe PLEASE?”

FIRST PERSON TO DISCOVER LAKES: *soaking wet* ok i guess we have to go around it

There’s still 5 more days in this month wtf

You singing that you’ve got lots of friends in San Jose isn’t convincing me that you actually have any friends in San Jose.

What album should I listen to? Bonus points for new/loud/weird

Eggs should have nozzles.

Damn girl, you smell like Brylcreem. Lemme get your number.

When I die I want you to boil my head and put my skull on your bookshelf.

You’re telling me a baby peeled these carrots???

Cool business idea: a bar that gives cheap drinks to musicians called The Hammered Dulcimer

If I ignore my body maybe it will go away

Tartuffin’ it

Charles Bronson would’ve smashed Chuck Norris’ skull open on a fucking sidewalk and left him to bleed out, I know that much for sure.

You ever get stoned all day and let autopilot just kinda take over?

If it weren’t for your skirkles I wouldn’t know how many people on here look just fucking like me.

I keep forgetting to get into geocaching

Didn’t we already see the Timberlake drunk video? I think I maybe Mandela affected myself.

When someone asks my sign I say I was born on the Feast of the Lizard King & if they don’t know what I mean I’m forbidden from explaining

No variation of the Gadsden flag will convince me of your deep critical thinking skills.

Looking for some good accounts that type in ALL CAPS. I want the thrill of having strangers yelling at me in my pocket at all times.

Abscess makes the heart grow fungus or whatever

Cicadian rhythm? You mean having sex like a bug (really fucking fast)?

If I was an early 00’s alt rock crooner I’d be Dunkin’ Sheath

Bro. Lemme get a horsey ride.

Robots should be used to fight other robots for our entertainment and to help the elderly and that is all.