Metamucil is pretty much just regular mucil that’s obsessed with itself

Do you think anyone ever discovered the Beatles by seeing some old guy in one of their t shirts?

This was my original handle actually

Taint is masculine, twain is feminine

Having dinner with a friend who works for a non-profit tonight and am fighting the urge to ask if she’s profiting yet

People who name regions are fucking dumb. “Pacific Northwest?” “Pacific” is kinda implied with the “west” being just after it. I’m dropping the “pacific.” Y’all can do whatever you fucking want.

I’m not a shitposter, I just look like one

What’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever superglued to your junk?

In bed sick. Tell me something nice or funny or gross or whatever

Is birria pizza a thing and also why the fuck not?

vibe

Confession: I still have no clue if a “morning constitutional” is where you take a shit or go for a walk or something completely separate, although I’m pretty sure it’s one of those two things.

I’ll solemnly swear AND I’ll swear jovially. My swearing knows no emotional limitations.

Freddie Mercury voice: all we hear is, Lady O’Gaga

My opinion of Benicio Del Toro is that he has made a couple of things that were sorta watchable simply through sheer luck.

I don’t want to finish each others’ sandwiches I want to finish my own sandwich

Infuriating

You actually can pick your friend’s nose

I wanna eat the rich but I don’t wanna get grossed out and throw up

You can use artificial intelligence but you can’t keep from looking like a natural dumbass.

One time my finger got wrinkled from being inside someone’s butthole for too long

Who called tiny mozzarella balls perlini and not cowviar?

Do you think the green m&m has human suckable toes under those boots?

When the coffee be tasting like peanuts you know that’s the good good

Bumper sticker: tell your dog I told you to go fuck yourself

How come everybody in space has a British accent?

My beard smells like balls. Get some.

What’s really cool about having a beard though is knowing that if/when I do something embarrassing like shit my pants in public I can just shave my beard off and become a totally different person.

A beard that doesn’t reek of weed is just a weird lump of hair on some dork’s face

Things I love: eating fresh produce. Things I hate: the amount of time I think about how I need to eat all the produce in the house before it goes bad.

Hermetically sealed, for her pleasure

I didn’t have a wet dream last night. It was a nocturnal bromission wait delete

Same except for me

What’s up with people hitchhiking walking towards oncoming traffic? Which way you tryna go bruh?

$50 says “presidenchal” is in Trump’s phone’s search history

This is what I do for $

Sometimes I wonder if hippos even like pumpkins or do they just eat them because humans keep putting them in their mouths for fun?

We were talking about being out of touch with regards to grocery stores

If a show takes place in heaven or even has a heaven I ain’t watching that

Donald Mctrump getting his face eaten by house cats 2 hour YouTube

When I see someone yawning in a passing car I like to imagine they're roaring like a lion.

Would’ve been funnier if at the end of Helter Skelter Ringo yelled “I’VE GOT BLISTERS ON ME PENIS!”

Shit. Was on my way to get groceries but forgot my ID and had to turn around and go home, since they card you to get into the grocery store. Thanks for the reminder.

Remember when Elon’s little freak monkey child cackled “they’ll never know, hehe” from atop his shoulders? That shit still haunts the fuck out of me.

Damnit. Whose job was it to throw out tens of thousands of democrat ballots this time?

It’s weird that they made Elton John a knight. I bet that dude couldn’t even wield a broadsword.

I SAID IT’S LIKE GOD PUT THE WORLD IN DARK MOD- (brick gets thrown in my face)

Who called it cream pie and not jizz slizz?

You just need to open your mind- oh my god. No. Jesus god no. Close that thing back up and never open it up ever again. Disgusting.

If you’re a man with one red shoe then have I got the movie for you