I’m tired of people telling me to “take care.” Just once I’d like somebody to tell me to “fuck shit up.”

Feeling kinda rundown. Think I need to switch testicles.

Wait, so Megyn Kelly isn’t the idiot who married the machine gun guy?

If you’re an ICE agent then message me so we can meet up so that I can kick your ass

Iron Maiden’s just Iron Man’s girlfriend

If I went to hogwarts my magic trick would be SKEETO DELETO

We should play with each other’s Fitbits

you don’t have to tell me twice. i won’t listen the second time either.

I'd rather be talking about the mysteries of the universe than thinking about the stupidity of this world.

Mayonnaise is basically sandwich lotion.

ICE employees 100% should be doxxed. I can say that here but not on reddit. That’s why I like it here more.

Singing along to Billy Idol’s “Rebel Yell” at the top of my lungs at the grocery store but only the “OWW” parts and that song isn’t playing.

I checked with my credit card. I’m eligible for 1 (one) back rub.

Doom gooning (don’t ask)

Everyone in the NRA is a giant fucking pussy.

Donald Trump’s Bored Of Peace

Gonna try eating dim sum about it

I’ve got Blitzkrieg Bop stuck in my head this morning for no particular reason whatsoever

Wind is just god’s way of saying “yes, I’m here and also I’m an asshole.”

My dick is like a dvd. Director’s cut, extended edition.

Froyo is woke. We say frogurt now.

What do you call it when somebody leaves a poop mark on the back of the toilet seat? I’m going with “rusty tail.”

I wanna listen to Black Flag and fuck with my clothes on

It’s called penicillin because you take it when your penis illin’

I’m old enough to remember when we thought it was just a pee tape

Turns out you can just buy & eat a birthday cake whenever you want to. Nobody checks.

My hips don’t lie. Every morning they say “ouch.”

Much like the hills my butt also comes alive with the sound of music

Just poked my eye while trying to push up my glasses. I’m wearing contacts today. Hope you’re having a good day too

Lil' comic about hope and longing 💗

If Johnny had just swept the leg like everyone said then we wouldn’t have had all those dumb sequels and spinoffs.

Who called it makeup sex and not bone-in beef?

There should be a Cart Narcs but for politicians

The other night I met my friend’s dog, Plum. Except I thought they said “Flum” so I called the dog Flum like 6 times while everybody in unison corrected me by yelling “PLUM” every time. We got a little rhythm going, it was awesome.

My toxic trait is when I see someone type AFAIK I think they’re trying to sound like the Aflac duck

What’s the German word for the regret you have immediately after updating your iPhone?

Just because you CAN smell what The Rock is cooking doesn’t mean that you SHOULD smell what The Rock is cooking.

I can take maybe 3 more waves of ska before my organs shut down

Confession: I never actually smelled what The Rock was cooking. I only said I could smell it so people wouldn’t laugh at me.

Going live (cranking hog)

If there’s a big company that shares your last name it’s probably because your great great grandfather hit people with a billy club and kidnapped them on ships and forced them into servitude until their inevitable death, at which point they’d be fed to unknowing deckhands. Congrats

They should’ve called it “The Bone Zone”

Have you tried shutting the fuck up about it?

What I’m wearing to the Bluesky valentines ball

Bahn you, bahn mi Bahn it together, naturally

Oh, you brake for Sasquatch? Bullshit, I bet you don’t. Fucking liar.

Yes, I DO have to let it linger.

Acid reducer? No thanks, full strength LSD for me please.