Howdy. Say it back.

My cat weighs the same as my head, both hands and one foot. This is going to be useful information at some point I can feel it

Why don’t they just use the Flint tap water for the data centers? Problem solved.

I AM going to blow smoke up your ass, actually.

I like big butts, your honor.

Dogs should be allowed in restaurants but open-toed shoes should absolutely not be allowed under any circumstances ever.

My drummer just texted the group that his 16 year old cat who I’ve never met has a rare heart condition and might not be alive much longer so of course I’m crying in public.

My letters to Cleo are better than Ezra’s

Why do people put “420 friendly” in their bios? Nobody’s giving you free weed, dork.

If the White House burns down I’ll post dick

If your beard is longer than mine it’s because you’re a weirdo

How about just a brisk walk with the devil?

Kinda dealing with a lot right now. Can we maybe just do either the sound OR the fury? Thanks.

I hope Trump gets beaten to death in the White House ufc ring

Using elbow grease as lube

Reading back my skeets and thinking about the punctuation I should’ve added/omitted (.)

You’re actually NOT the only 10 I see. Drop the attitude.

You are what you eat. Unless you walked through my fart. Then you are what I ate.

The saxophone from Paul Anka’s “Diana” sounds like it should be on a sex offender list.

Mormonism and pedophilia/polygamy goes hand in hand in hand in hand in hand

If you look over my shoulder there’s a 70% you’ll see that I’m just watching a video of a fat dude playing guitar

Post gym selfies. Everyone loves those.

The first person to build a base on the moon should be murdered.

How did people do butt stuff before hot running water?

Muted Furry is a good band name

How is this even possible? That’s some matrix glitch shit right there

If there’s a swimmer named Armstrong you should just assume that they’re going to win.

Had to use a public toilet but forgot my trusty penis hammock so about 3/4 of the damn thing ended up swimming the whole time.

I fucking hate rhubarb. Give me a goddamn strawberry pie, cowards.

By not publicly decapitating Jeff Bezos and Elon Musk.

Just getting in my nightly eye squeaks, move along.

Bleach wipes are totally cool and useful until there’s less than 10 left in the dispenser.

The Cramps is just goth Chris Isaak

Brand new shoes look dumb as hell.

Honestly not sure where I’d be right now without microplastics.

I refuse to believe that Danny Elfman and Mark Mothersbaugh just up and decided to start singing like that at the same time.

How much more content before I’m content?

Oh… Yeah?

Chris movies suck.

A good guy with a gun and no mental illness with good aim. This a thing?

I’ve been telling people Mr. Jones is about heroin for the last 20 years. It’s not but I’m not going to stop 🤷

I'm taking umbrage -Pauly Shore going on walk in the rain

Is your teen texting about Krautrock??? Know the slang: • DTF = Damo's the funkiest • NGL = Neu! goes loud • OMG = Oooooh motorik grooves! • FFS = Faust’s fucking stupendous • TMI = Tago Mago's incredible • TGIF = These Germans is freaky • CHEUGY = Can has excellent unbelievable grooves

People who refuse to eat things because the things are vegan are terrible in bed.

I wish my dick was bigger but only so I could pee into the toilet without getting out of bed

“Nice flesh vessel” Me, flirting

All underwear is edible if you’re horngry enough.

Barney (the dinosaur) stole the Knick Knack Paddywack song and nobody ever said shit.

There should be a high protein Dubai chocolate.

The strip club close to my house has had “gluten free lap dances” on its marquee for the last 10+ years. Hoping they let us know when I can finally tip in protein.