Well, I’ll be damned. -me arriving in Hell

Im proud of this one

queef is short for queen fart

was there a specific time for the rapture today? like, do I need to get ready for work?

I'm at the intersection of "we needed this rain" and "this is great napping weather"

I like your skeets, but I like like your skeets

Well, I’ll be damned. -me arriving in Hell

when you live your life waiting for something to happen, you miss out on the beautiful little things that are already happening

Happy Rapture Eve! Who horny?

holy smokes, Kansas City is running 5 wide with Taylor Swift at receiver! 🙀

totally immersed in you

you’re like the tan M&M

I feel hungover from sleeping too much and you're trying to tell me there is a god???

I bet Little Debbie was The Pillsbury Dough Boy's "Nutty Buddy" at one time or another.

the books to butt pipeline

You make me want to be a better home and garden.

barely legal olive oil

Little known fact: Jesse Eisenberg played the robots in I, Robot with Will Smith

I only have a few friends but hopefully I’ll be able to get rid of them soon

I’m jelly your bed gets to sleep with you

like, 𝒍𝒊𝒌𝒆 like?

I find it absolutely shocking that people allowed to consequence free break the law are breaking the law

I refuse to learn all these names you’re newsing about

every day we stray further from the light

mayhaps I won’t participate this weekend

Burger 🍔 #art

the world is more magical with you in it

I find it absolutely shocking that people allowed to consequence free break the law are breaking the law

Pumpkin spice Preparation H

I refuse to learn all these names you’re newsing about

Some days I just like to go outside and pretend I'm a dandelion... today is one of those days...

every day we stray further from the light

They radicalized Slippy…

NSFW a Band Alanis More Sex

I call big spoon tonight

I need a massage that turns into sex.

Eminem should start a burrito chain called Wrap God

my new onlyfans features me with toenails painted black in a completely white room, trimming them and measuring the distance each clipping gets

it’s fuckin stupid I can’t sleep in your smell

Spoiler: sucking on it IS actually the best way to eat a chili dog.

look I may have to flee my country but at least I won't have to pay my student loans

or take me home …or both

someone bring me my dog

do you think Tom Brady still mouth kisses his son now that he’s 18?

“It’s a free country” doesn’t really seem like a valid response to anything anymore, does it

This man just asked me to lady and the tramp a taco with him, and honestly why not.

“i’ll do whatever i want with MY butthole” is a crazy response to someone asking you not to fart on them

renewable energy transportation? giving away free stuff? wears red? sounds like woke commie shit Christmas is canceled!