I’m at the hospital, so don’t make me laugh too loud.

Today’s been a really hard day and I need to laugh a bit. Don’t let me down shitposters of bsky.

When Bob Marley wrote “don’t worry about a thing, everything’s gonna be alright” he wasn’t aware of all this. Or he was high. Or both.

The plural of octopus is the friends we made along the way

proof of fútbol is life

Nothing like the warm cozy feeling of being blocked by an account you didn’t previously know existed.

The coffee I drank this morning is gonna have to pull some overtime today.

Next weekend starts daylight savings time. Just when I thought I couldn’t get more tired.

I once considered becoming a priest. But I don’t really like kids that much.

still working on getting my permanent retainer fixed. can anyone help me out a little? i’m sorry.

When Bob Marley wrote “don’t worry about a thing, everything’s gonna be alright” he wasn’t aware of all this. Or he was high. Or both.

If AARP is the American association of retired people, why am I able to join but not able to retire?

The only thing cooler than stonewashed jorts is stonewashed jeggings

The only thing cooler than stonewashed jeans is stonewashed jorts.

If you think I’m bad at this, you should see me at my other job.

My kid told us they were going to a cat cafe this weekend. I said I heard cat was delicious.

So this happened.

Chandelier would be a beautiful girl’s name. (Or a boys if you use a hard ch)

I’ve watched enough crime shows to know you should stay out of DMs. That shit always gets you on a Dateline episode, and not in a good way.

My Apple Watch keeps telling me I’m almost there. You’d think I would know if I was almost there.

Half my instagram feed right now is Alyssa Liu and Amber Glenn, and I couldn’t love it more.

Crazy that the US men’s hockey team won its first gold medal since the Miracle on Ice and they’ve managed to make everyone hate them.

tl;dr. If your post is too long, I didn’t read it.

I almost missed the lovely @augustreverie.bsky.social’s birthday! Hope it’s been amazing!

And you can’t come, because you don’t speak French. (About a manatee)

“Who’s Johnny” she said, as she smiled in her special way.

tl;dr. If your post is too long, I didn’t read it.

Just read the next Winter Olympics are in 2030 and I’m shook. (Do people still say I’m shook?)

If cats could drive they’d be toonces

Why is it sudden death OT never leads to anyone dying?

announcer just said there's a lotta players on the bench that will not see ice. that's insane. they're like 2 feet away. what the fuck are they looking at.

If cats could drive, I bet they’d steal your Tesla. Because they’re evil. 🐈🚗

Hey look I made a starter pack! If you don’t follow these accounts, your Bluesky experience will be underwhelming. Is that what you want? Is it?? go.bsky.app/NqK4crn

Drew Carey had it right on Who’s Line when he said “everything’s made up and the points don’t matter.”

Reskeeting my skeet I thought was a banger because no one liked it.

I like to think Harley Quinn is just Barbie when she’s tired of men’s shit.

I hate to split hares, but how else do you make rabbit stew?

So what’s up with the Olympic skating cuck chair, where the leader sits and watches to see if anyone can beat them?

Are we still maxxing everything, or was that just yesterday?

Little know fact: a French twist is just a regular twist with tongue.

So what’s up with the Olympic skating cuck chair, where the leader sits and watches to see if anyone can beat them?

It's the version of Purple Rain that Prince would play late at strip clubs.

Alfredomaxxing. Did I do that right? Great, now I’m anxietymaxxing.

What the hell does a man have to go to get Jerrified?

If you like weed and horse chowder

In 53 years I’d never heard of dirty rain. But we got it today. Like we don’t have enough bullshit to deal with.

We don’t have extra money but I just saw Young the Giant is touring with Cold War Kids and KennyHoopla. What’s a person to do?

To make things better, the lady at the table beside him decided to take a call on speaker phone that lasted her entire meal.

Why is this fucker behind me playing videos on his phone at full volume. I’m dying inside.

I hate to split hares, but how else do you make rabbit stew?