1st day of fall and I still have spring in my step

1st day of fall and I'm still writing spring on my checks.

First they came for Monday, and I said nothing

Coffee taste like burrito because beans

"well aren't you in a good mood," he complained.

My girlfriend kept on asking me to go spelunking with her so eventually I caved.

Society made Mondays a thing and we all just stood by and watched

Move along darling I'm not the nightmare you're looking for..

I woke this morning and it was so quiet and still that I could hear Mariah Carey starting her engines in the north pole

Bopcoin

sometimes i mix up know & now like im doing right know i now i now

M. Night Shama Lama Ding Dong

Nature getting ready to show us how beautiful it can be to let dead things go

son of a cuss i put diesel in the school bus and not magic

queef is short for queen fart

Flannel is man’s best fliend

"Your mom thought I was big enough." -Pluto

My plans for world domination are foiled only by the need to do dishes and laundry

It’s “little planet” you insensitive fuck -Pluto

I still wish I had Bud Bundy hair

I have questions: Is Santa finally bringing me my veloci-rapture? AND Do I have to leave out cookies again?

I’m glad no one ever invented corduroy underwear.

the last person to log off tonight is “it” I don’t make the rules

Girl are you a sandwich you smell like cheese

It's not that I don't care, it's that everyone else does and that's plenty.

Lesson 101 Someday is just a word. Don't romanticize it. Death comes someday too..

I think I'll go to bed early tonight. That way, I can get up bright and early to start hating on everything first thing in the morning

I keep Skittles in my butt so your mom can taste the rainbow

If you have nothing nice to say, just say it on Bluesky

also thought there would be more opportunities to shut 'em down, open up shop, you know?

I really thought I was gonna have to stop, drop and roll more in my life.

A band that live plays NES songs: Contraband

I’m not interested in stealing anyone’s boyfriend. If I wanted a boyfriend, I would simply go to the Boyfriend Store and get one

When I was young I would sneak out of the house to go to parties...Older me sneaks out of parties to go home

The girl with the imagine dragons tattoo

Ok hear me out ....A smoke detector that turns off when you scream "I'm only cooking "

T♨️rd

actually it’s pronounced hwataburger

I'll never forget that 9-11 when I saw Dr Dre at the Alamo.

I'm looking forward to the Neutered Version of 60 Minutes.✂️🌰

🎶"Don't Break My News ,My Achy Breaky News"🎶🤠

My first exposure to drag was Bugs Bunny.

"Can't. Cat trapped" is the new "Sorry. Can't make it. Have to wash my hair."

I'm weirder than AI art, so there's that.

preparing my home for those Left Behind in tueday's rapture (leaving an upper decker in every toilet)

I feel hungover from sleeping too much and you're trying to tell me there is a god???

There are two kinds of people in the world. The kind who classify people into two categories, and the kind who know we’re all beautiful and unique. ✌️💜

I think the most autistic thing I do is feel like nobody understands me

When I told you to speak up for yourself, I didn’t mean “to me”