there’s a labeler for “toxic posting” but where is the one for “perfect sweetie”

Ornithologists study woodpeckers Hornythologists study wood peckers

what’s a good gift to give someone to let them know they need to gtfo ooh I know a suitcase

after much consideration, I have decided to make back pain my entire identity going forward

Kid: "Dad, why is latex so important?" Dad: "Well,son, if I used latex, I wouldn't be having this conversation right now."

there are two dogs, three adults, and five children in the house i live in now and somehow it is not a shoe

Ready for a real and gross story? Cockroaches will drink out of your mouth (personal experience). They also will climb into your ears. Have a great day!

Into your mouth hole.

girl breakfast

oracle: that way lies madness me: a one way ticket please

We needed them for a project!

so that’s where all my 10mm went

a wise man once said: her me out

my boss said i'm a high performer and then i was immediately drug tested wtf

cookie dough: 4 hours to chill me: 4 hours of proving i cannot

on average 8 spiders choose spelunking every year

When we set conditions for happiness, we set conditions for unhappiness.

Figures the world would start to change just when I'm too old to pivot.

Shopping maul

a personal best

I'm out here you ficuus birch

I’ll know something is really wrong with me if I ever don’t feel weird

i just sat down with a bowl of soup and a fork i need to go to bed until next year

i put leftovers in the microwave and entered my PIN on the keypad

don’t forget to leave out a bowl and a lighter for santa cru

JPG is short for JPEG.

pocket size theremin for my pocket size rock ballads.

I'm at an age where I'm only 80 percent sure that this is indigestion.

My last two brain cells have tamed the butterflies in my stomach and are about to duel the dogs inside me

Coffee maker malfunctions, steps in cat puke, signs DNR.

Hard work may not kill me but it's not a risk I'm prepared to take.

boredom rising shitposts thriving

no i don’t want to “hang out” i only want to be perceived two sentences at a time by strangers on the internet

i do not✨

adding ominous music to my posts

Veni, vidi, vicodin

Veni, vidi, Viva Las Vegas

karmas only a bitch if you’re a piece of shit

long distance relationships are easier if they don't actually know you're dating them

Elrond on a Shelf

new boss is my old nemesis. suck got a sequel.

no 68 left unturned

Veni, vidi, vichyssoise.

Venice, vidi, vasectomy.

I’m bored - Planks

wonder if he’s getting a hiphopanonymous for christmas

My anaconda is absent of all desire.

the hulk should've been the one named captain planet and he only gets mad and "goes green" when people don't recycle

I would like to skip ahead to Friday please