All of my stories are true.

Responding to a text from six months ago

Bet you can't guess how many wild birds I've named

I’d like to remove the phone app from my phone.

The blankets on my couch are not for you. They are for my cat. You may not use her blankets

Girl dinner?

My student's mom sent this to me

Giving up everything to find and spend the rest of my life with Little Karl

I'm not giving up hope. We'll see Pennywise eventually

Which best matches your mood? - sad/happy - deflated balloon - disgruntled dragon - antler on the forest floor - mossy ruins in the rain - ghost in the fog

I may be an idiot, but at least I'm inception-proof

Listen, the demon hoodie stays on during sex

I bet you sleep silently. Like a freak.

gonna start a podcast where i just sigh a lot

ME: Been dark a while. Probably time for bed. CLOCK: 6:49 PM

Get out of annoying small talk by repeatedly responding with "hard on" instead of "right on"

Remembering that time my father sent me a beautifully heartfelt text, in which he spelled my name wrong

Are push-ups supposed to make you angry? Like, SO angry?

Stop looking to your cat for approval. You're never going to get it

I feel sexiest when I'm googling images of Middle Earth

good one, but i’m not gonna click like bc i feel like i’ve been liking a lot of your posts and i’m trying not to be weird

I love this child so much. Happy 17th Birthday, Itty Bitty

I just want to live life deliciously

Where do I find the Mothman? I must find the Mothman

Everybody thinks they want a weird girl until she starts doing weird girl shit

Happy Halloween 🎃

Does anybody else hear that thumping in my ear?

Grim.

Brain zaps are nature's jump scares.

Sorry I'm late, I was staring at my cat

I "pspsps" my husband to get his attention. It's incredibly effective and he fucking *hates* it

Daisy gave birth

Mirrors are spooky, right? That's not just me?

Okay, I'll bite. What's baseball?

In case you're wondering, 75° is socks and sweater weather in Hawai'i

My cat brought in some Blair Witch looking shit last night so that's it for me, I guess

Now that it's getting colder I can't just lounge around the house in underwear and a tank top anymore. I have to put on socks too

alexa say you're proud of me in my father's voice

Birdie🏵 #caturday

Just watched Weapons now I'm going to go to sleep I'll be fine

It's hard to take care of myself when I'm sad. Someone should study this phenomenon

Eating a powdered sugar donut over the sink like a lady

One day you’re doing blow off a Requiem for a dream dvd case, then you blink and find yourself pruning tomatoes and identifying bird calls

My favorite part about not having kids is being able to keep my collectibles* on display *vibrators

Always disappointed at the lack of haunted things.

"You look very zen today." Thanks, it's called emotional blunting and it's slowly eating away at everything that makes me human

Lol everyone knows that's where mom kept her weed

Good morning ☀️