I hope I fall asleep again sometime this life

How long does it take a Happy Meal to start working?

I'll eat a slice of pizza off one of those non-absorbent paper plates then stick the plate it in the fridge for next time. Thats who you're following you fucking freaks.

Don't even talk to me until I've had my morning bathrobe highway coffee

When your whole body itches it's called a bitch

Have you tried sharing some memes about it?

Can't. I just ... can't

I ate a carrot today so I can do whatever the fuck I want now

"Garlic. Four of them. Chop that shit up, mince it. Throw that bitch in there, fry it up." Idk what this kid is talking about but he is correct

Bringing that idgaf charm to all that I do

Someone who I've known since 2013 but haven't seen since 2022 just introduced himself to me and I don't know how I feel about that

5 things I like and 5 oomfs to do the same, if you'd like 1. Listening to music and staring at the wall 🎶 2. Sex 💦 3. Hiking 🚶🏼‍♀️ 4. Cats 🐈 5. Rocks and minerals 💎 @valleyguitarist.bsky.social @augustagoose.bsky.social @vincenzzzo.bsky.social @trashphalt.beauty @coachmark25.bsky.social

If you ever think I’m flirting with you in earnest—no, I’m not

Weird to feel you near when you’re nowhere close to here.

H O L E

You can call The Terminator "Daddy Terminator" he likes that

Hey watch it, lug nuts

T2 and chill tonite? T2 and chill tonite, king 👀 T2 and chill tonite?

so many people fail to use alt text and therefore should be denied all the pleasures of the flesh

If you see this post a rabbit

It's really strange to me when people without a sense of humor follow a shitposter and then comment seriously on everything they post. Why do they do that? It's so easy to not do that.

Gonna post hole when I get to 1k followers

hate when it gets in my hair

*scrolling through the timeline *figuring out the exact moment the mental illness kicks in

Love is just like maple syrup when you think about it

I am skilled at scrying (scream-crying)

My greatest sadness is that I'll never get to be a big tiddy goth gf

Baby you can park your car in my face garage

Just witnessed a tourist put ketchup on their kalua (roast pork) and my day is ruined

I've really come around to your look

Uncle texted me the obituary of an obscure family member I never met. Must be Sunday

hello and welcome to my presentation on why we should build playgrounds for adults. ill answer your questions after if we have time. theres a lot of slides

I showed you my giant zit, please respond

Ma'am that is not a baby, that is a bowl of worms

Heavily medicated for the common good.

Going down on her counts as praying because she keeps saying “oh, god!”

Giving him head counts as praying because I'm on my knees

When I was 6-years-old I had to help a widow and an FBI agent take down a mass-murdering ghost

Pussy Licking

If I see a cute animal I'm going to want to eat it

God's horniest angel

Oral sex doesn't count if you're catholic

Eat of my body, drink of my stuf

Eat me as your holy communion. I taste way better than Jesus

It's a Bird eat bird world

Do y'all wanna watch my cat eat a bird or nah?

Friday the 13 doesn't scare me. Every day is a nightmare now.

I can't wait to get off these antidepressants so my tits finally work again

Yeah, I burned my tongue. What of it?

FROG FACT: Frogs are little fellows