Your mom and I are getting a divorce. We flipped a coin and you’ll be living with me. No, I lost

Frothing at the mouth, the rabid wild latte stalks her prey.

You know those stories about how the magic of Christmas miraculously restores your faith in humanity? It isn't working.

Not to get political, but I will keep a full bush until there is a regime change

Common sense‽ Sense is now so rare scalpers are hoarding it.

ah yes, i see that you know your judo well

Perhaps it is not me you seek, dear colleagues, first thing in the Monday morning chat, but the sweet release of death you unwittingly crave.

Dodge or surf, somehow, we survive the erasers of the soul, chores and taxes.

Everyone at work is mad at me because I conjured The Devil

All I asked Santa for this year was to get hit by a speeding garbage truck.

My boss just yelled at me for making helicopter noises with my mouth. This meeting sucks

I don't use marijuana recreationally I use it competitively

Besotted with blankets and pillows, deciphering the Morse code from raindrops hitting the tin roof. all is well… all is well… all is well.

You internet people fill my heart. With dread.

If you could let me know who BlueSky is suggesting similar to me, I'd like to block them.

Not to brag, but I receive multiple calls per day notifying me that my loan is approved and ready to sign. I didn't even ask for one!

No disrespect, but plenty of indifference.

AI Bro from yesterday blocked me. I get that he was upset that people mocked his profession and said it was bad and useless. There’s no way that would ever happen to me, someone with a theater degree

Destroy me like that one song you love destroys you.

No one you ever made a mixtape was affected the way you hoped.

It’s normal after reading any headline to mutter God help us all

Had things to say but wove it through silence so the things became tiny white flowers on a long, braided rope.

I always feel like I’m failing the part of the eye exam where you have to say one or two

Willful ignorance is a fucking disease. When you are holding a device in your hand that allows you to access all information and find legitimate sources to verify that information and you choose to believe fallacies in order to prop up your narrative, you deserve all the bullshit coming your way.

this dumpster fire will keep us all warm

Be the Grinch you want to see in the world

hope wrapped in willingness

that quantum entanglement when there is equilibrium but the permanence of state is here and there

I really resent the pressure we're all under to maintain a life of normalcy and acceptance when accountability is completely non-existent.

Commenting on current events is a good way to connect with elitist accounts. Jumper cables and a car battery are another.

Death before disconnect

How can you tell if someone has Borderline Personality Disorder, or is simply German?

I’m sorry I got weird but in my defense, I’m weird.

You are hating me by design. Shifting your anger onto me to distract you from your own despair.

Sorry I can't stay but you don't have a dog

My favorite text is a pill refill

Donating my body to seance.

I meant well. I think it was on a Thursday in 1978.

Don't feel left out, vegetarians… you can make scented tallow candles out of the rich.

Feeling festive so I adorned my oven with garland before I stick my head in it.

Sorry if this is a bit personal but does this shit make anyone else feel completely fucking insane

Maybe I don't want to up n' at 'em. Maybe I just want to down n' quite far away from 'em.

Someome needs to bring common sense to this party, and that someone ain't me.

Mine are all love letters to despair.

It's the thought that counts right? but after being given an engraved ornament with my name spelled incorrectly, what do you think I'm thinking

Preview of my 2025 tax return.

Seasonal depression is regular depression crammed with holiday sugar cookies.

A sentimental journey to someplace new.

Asked my therapist if I could read his notes from our last session and it was just a drawing of him pushing me off a cliff and laughing

My festive eye twitch has started.