Boys don’t rip phone books in half anymore to impress a gal.

Where we’re going, baby we don’t need fancy things. (psych ward)

Every stranger seems familiar.

A lot of being a werewolf is probably remembering when to wear your wolfman pants.

I need music to be constantly playing in my ears in order to drown out the sound of my head

My cat woke me up at 3am with duct tape stuck to his head. Must’ve been one hell of a catnip party.

Good very early morning, everyone. music.youtube.com/watch?v=Sezu...

him: you ok? me, eating a stick of butter like it’s corn on the cob: yep

vicks vaporubbin' one out

I would like some attention but also please do not look in my eyes, I will cry.

Babe it's nothing you did, I just need to be at the grocery store alone

They should invent a kind of love that is detangled from pain

400 years ago, a ship carrying Irish servants ran aground off Cape Cod. These were some of the first Irish to set foot in New England and they immediately set about hanging lace curtains and saving parking spaces with lawn chairs

New Year’s Eve is the Super Bowl of shouting numbers confidently.

I'm hearing that if you put money in a special part of the bank they give you more money

For January I would like to wear a dog shock collar that zaps me if I try to buy something online

<dog with a stomach ache> I should eat a blanket !!!

I’m in my pointillism era on my paint by numbers iPad game.

our water bottles would look good together

I prefer the “idea” of people.

they should invent a year that's better than the one before it

Life will punch your lights out.

Dog tooted, then fled the scene.

Let’s all go rabid and start frothing at the mouth as a fun new years activity

If father John shows up drunk again this year to "bless this house and all" I will straight up lose my shit.

Going out to look at Christmas lights AFTER Christmas?! Pfft, yeah, like a goddamn fox!

Fritz got a fancy holiday bow tie for Xmas and he LOVES it

I wish i knew what i was doing

The house is empty. The chaos settled. Everyone is home. Life begins again. I’m going to masturbate.

They should invent a gym so we can workout where it all went wrong

MJM [looking in the mirror, to himself]: I mean, the brooch is pretty masc?

Music to Carve Up Your Own Wrists To.

You should work for the Huffington Post because it seems like you're huffing a ton before you post

Find someone who laughs at the same dumb shit as you

Just dudes being dudes

Elliot is not available. Smol dogs must have a minimum of 400 hrs of sleep per day.

Some people have imaginary boyfriends or girlfriends. I have an imaginary therapist who tells me everything is someone else's fault

If I see you being kind to someone who really needs it I might just fall in love with you a little.

Sorry officer, I assumed you turned on your lights just to be festive.

In 2026 I'm going to cut down on breakfast dessert and possibly lunch dessert

merry christmas, you ol’ building & loan!

Modern child: NO I wanted the other iPad Victorian child; thank you for the orange

If you are here looking for love, that’s called “groomscrolling”

ethically sourced* *found on a body I innocently came upon in a forest

alright time to get more high

Be honest, bro. Would you do sex on me?

Animal Facts: If you say the word "tennis" to a duck, it doesn't really react in any particular way

The instant coffee exceeded expectations beyond reason. Gary added it to his Diet Coke and nearly dropped a pant size before the explosion.