if I were an animal I would be one of those dogs that walk sideways for some reason

ska was invented because your mom said you have to let your cousin join your band and he showed up with a trombone

I'm the captain of an awesome gravy boat

let’s get high and do a puzzle

*talking to my daughter’s class on career day* one time when i was your age a drifter asked my dad if he had any spare change, so he gave the man a shiny token from a defunct las vegas casino & told him to scram. {i lower my shades} three days later the space shuttle exploded.

Sometimes I worry that charging my phone isn't a real hobby.

Men in your 40’s who suddenly take up cycling, just admit you hate your family.

putting dead mosquito heads on stakes in my yard to send a message

Just performing a little standing canter between posts.

making her Caturday debut discovered at the animal shelter a month ago while there was a scout for kittens she’s a comeback story at 5 years old in the sparkly corner, Heidi

You could say I was born into the life of a trapeze artist. You’d be way off, but you could say it.

If I had a time machine, I'd pop in there so I could go back and see when I snapped.

A smudge of a soul.

sometimes my dependence on big pharma depresses me, but then the drugs kick in

Cracking open a cold can of tuna with the boys

Just said “not you” to a sock, and threw it back in the dryer.

I just wanna be someone’s babygirl.

I don’t want to work, I just want to take a metal tennis racket and bang on the mattress all day

sleeping with the windows open for the soothing sounds of the reign of terror

By Jim Benton

relating to an office fake succulent that is teetering on the edge of a wall shelf

I don’t believe in sex before or after marriage.

One thing I'm looking forward to is being elderly with a giant bandage on my cheek

I left my college kids a note taped to the back door about the yard before I left for work saying “I watered everything.” Both found the note hilariously aggressive due to the use of a period. They later took turns reading it to me in the various tones in which they received it.

little girl at the park asked my wife if she had "evil in her heart"

“Yes, it’s time,” I murmur as I unfold the designated burrito shirt.

Funny how the things we bury sometimes learn how to bloom

Not always but sometimes if you tell me story about your kid, I pretend you’re talking about a shirt so I can relate/sympathize.

I only have sex outside because I don't want the curtains to absorb the smell

Why, that’s nothing that a can of room temperature Tab, a fistful of diazepam, and a Fluffernutter sandwich on Wonder Bread can’t fix

Bari Weiss Exits CBS to Run North Korean State Media

This bumble is absolutely carpe-ing the diem

Never go grocery shopping on an empty stomach, and never go liquor shopping on an empty soul.

I just think thinking should be done by humans

Happy pride to Lindsay Graham.

Neither the wings nor the wherewithal.

Less cluster, more fuck.

Yeah, I got that dog in me. *specifically, separation anxiety and a profound fear of the vacuum cleaner

My therapist says you're the problem

Fuck you for thinking this world needs another goddamn podcast.

Seems like we should at least put a little bit of effort into learning something about the first of the Mohicans as well.

A happy tornado siren test tuesday to you all

It must be hard to be Brazilian and not have a perfect ass.

edibles have made going to the pool 1% more tolerable

Taking a break from my sanity to focus more on trusting men

summer in the 80s was just dudes swimming in cutoff jeans and smoking

I find it odd that everyone around me is getting older and yet here I am, in complete denial

Why seduce popularity when obscurity is a warm blanket that quietly smothers you.