Idea: hotter pockets

Don’t search for happiness. Don’t look for the meaning of life. Live. Just live.

good news, my therapist said I'm cured and to never contact her again

Just a couple of homies who occasionally touch each other’s prives, it’s not a big deal.

gyms cost a lot but anxiety attacks are free your heart rate doesnt know the difference

You're not a real adult until you miss someone every day of your life.

I’m tired of giving friendly advice. I’m going to start offering violent alternatives

I like to wear my cowboy hat to the grocery store then stand in front of the canned beans shelf asking passersby which kind they think the other fellas on the cattle drive would like. “You think Bourbon and Brown Sugar?” I ask.

Of course I have a self destruct button.

I bet Martha Stewart never thought of this hack…I say, as I strip naked and mop myself backwards into the shower so the bathroom floor can dry before I climb out.

i think death threats should be okay if your soul is pure

*sexting* Hah! Gross

I’m at level 18000 on a game on my phone, so I guess we’re all accomplishing big things.

Happy Friday carbon-based stardust-filled meatbags.

Wishing a very shut up to Kevin Spacey.

I crave endless attention and total isolation at the same time.

I get it, first snowfall of the season. I am also kinda pretty and very annoying.

Museums are a great place to hold hands and make out.

Couldn't have coffee or food before my physical so now my chart reads "real mad"

Happy “extruded meat product that looks vaguely like ribs” to all who observe.

Might fuck around and get a 100-year mortgage.

demanding a famous folk singer write a moving ballad about the time I fell ass first into an ice fishing hole

The small joys sometimes turn out to be the most important

Well hi there Albert!

How to save your marriage with cold Taco Bell and roughly $600,000.

Disillusioned with myself.

I remember the first time I learned there were horny milfs in my area I screamed

Another disgusting day in a disgusting country led by perverts. Embarrassing

men only want one thing and that's to wear a tshirt until it's just a neckband with two threads hanging off it

Once you earn a goth girl’s trust, you may feed her Mike & Ikes straight from your hand

I followed you, pay attention to me you monster.

Told my wife I couldn't watch the new Frankenstein movie because I was Igoraphobic lol and she threw me out of a moving car.

You’re telling me you shot a pilot just to make this tv show?

[restaurant. luncheon.] SERVER: Hi, my name is Daniel & I’m— SECOND MOST DIFFICULT AUNT: Nice to meet you, Daniel. Let’s discuss the consistency of the tomato soup.

alexa, play spa music max volume.

IN SPITE OF DEEP SNOW AND EVEN DEEPER DEPRESSION I AM PUTTING ON MY SWIMSUIT.

A romantic relationship where i don't have to do all the work would fix me

Beer stroganoff

Dead man is a happy man.

Someday, this mason jar of chewed gum will be worth millions...and I’ll be vindicated.

He would ALWAYS organize his balls in a row for us. Play was too important to leave to chance. He’d be sleeping now, recharging for the next toss or swim or wrestle or leap. He was a pure and loving and joyful soul in a hard world and even now, resting by the black cherry tree, he teaches us.

Getting old is so extra. I used to just wake and bake but now I wake and ache and bake.

Shall I compare thee to a winter's night? So dark, so cold, and full of spite.

*removes gag ball to make Face ID purchase

Screaming into my phone like it's a banana.

Gary was no Maytag repairman, but he fixed the dryer! It stopped making that weird noise as long as you don't put any clothes in it.

Time wasn’t on his side and Gary just hoped the road would straighten out long enough that he could remove the paper from his ice cream cone.

you’re going balls to the wall too much, the whole wall smells like balls

this guy with 30k followers who follows 60k accounts is going to be my new best friend i can feel it

Thrifted 😇