I hit my elbow so hard I saw the universe's machine code.

You have to earn the affections of the dirt.

This is what happens when you surrender the floor to tulpas and figments.

I'm sure someone has adequately washed their hands between cutting hot peppers and using the bathroom, but that person is not me.

*after telling everyone how much they suck* why don’t people like me?

Can you give a rare steak a hickey idk but I am preparing little encrusted turtlenecks just in case

It’s not procrastinating if your excuse is good enough.

Watching this lemon pip, rise and fall in this gin n tonic due to accumulating & shedding carbon dioxide bubbles, as if it's an eighties kids tv show science experiment

You can't just spend all day complaining about everything. You also have to sleep and drink water

happy mother's day, mom. thanks for not sending me into 7-11 for a slurpee and driving away.

I mean, the odds of all the moms being born on the same day is pretty astronomical.

At first glance this bit of fluff on the laundry floor looks like a very, very small brontosaurus.

Them: “Happy Mother’s Day!” Me: “Thanks. You too!” Them: “Uhh… I’m not a mother.” Me: “Neither am I.” Historically likely to have this conversation with random strangers who can’t imagine a woman my age never whelped.

Absent-mindedly constructing a city with grids where no one gets lost, buildings of leapingly increasing height for ascending dance numbers, healthcare. But actually I froze to death in a Mt Everest bungalow

Oh no my voicemail is full of voices

Me to me: bitch chill Narrator: she did not chill

drop some fighters

I've been recording bird sounds and playing them back to the birds that made them. They seem impressed. Am I a bird DJ?

totally invisible

The day before Mother's Day: also known to thousands of men across the country as "Oh shit! That's tomorrow?!"

I am deeply sorry for whatever I did in a previous life that earned me loud neighbors in this one. Hashtag karma sad face

the best thing about living in a bog is the 24hr news channel only talks about cranberries

Such meticulous breathing.

Omg omg omg Guys sit down I have an idea Wigs for turtles

Found myself in what I hid then hid it between the obvious.

becoming a shinier, glossier version of myself one stick of butter at a time

I didn’t say I was right, I said you were wrong

No, I don’t have relationship issues. It’s perfectly normal to have to schedule couple events around next Tuesday’s release of the new Dungeon Crawler Carl.

This is a tweet, I repeat this is a tweet

I ain't scared, my bejesus is intact.

People are always impressed when I tell them that I buy tahini in a one gallon bucket.

Out of all the things happening in the universe right now, hearing about UFOs is so far down the list, it's not even on the list

Denial is a river with white water rapids you ride in a raft made of hubris. What? Yes, I would like more coffee, thanks.

The way the voodoo works your noodle.

I guess the first time I felt like I could not control things with my feelings was at an appointment for bodies. I was asked how I was doing, I said "with my sad CELLS?" but they didn't implode before the copay

when i die instead of putting coins over my eyes pls put pepperonis

there's no crying in fancy pants that are weekend pants that are happy pants

The stars still seem to have their snap, but they have lost some crunch.

They say the worst thing you can be is cruel, but I think the worst thing you can be is sticky

Outsmarted by a ziplock bag. Again.

Crotchety Contractor who is Younger than me: "Honestly I think the problem you guys have here is DEI related." Me: "I assume you mean not enough, considering how every major decision passes through the hands of an old white man." Him: *Nervous, "Thought you would agree with me" chuckle*

If it wasn't for backsliding I wouldn't do no sliding at all.

Nobody has told me to cut myself some slack in… wait, how long have you all been using Slack?

how many pairs of nunchucks does one bring to a sixth grader’s oboe recital

I’m a simple man. I like beer, football, and holding cocktail umbrellas in the rain and pretending I’m a giant

‘Guy,’ meaning “person,” comes from Guy Fawkes. Boom.

Me personally I don’t think

Happy Ladies Night to those who observe