The overnight process failed and we will need to apply the self loathing manually today.

naked taters in your area need to be buttered

I bring a calming presence to everywhere I go, because I’m super chill all the time if you didn’t fucking know😎..

Honestly I’m still sore from the monster mash.

Hamburger helps those that help themselves

“i fold,” said the poker player & the laundromat guy & the origami artist & the dems &

All businesses should have a display case of pies next to their register-- not just diners.

Spudnut. Just saying. IYKYK

*getting hit in the face with a shovel My god, I love you.

My girlfriend said she was preparing for me a fancy feast. I couldn't eat it. I gave it to the cat.

“Can’t” is an interesting word. So is “disingenuous”.

You know how when you uncover enough universal truths you reach a free personal one, I just got a realizations on off switch

ALL I WANT IS TO BE LOVED, YOU STUPID FUCKING CUNTS.

7: Fire is magic. Me: No, it’s science. 7: OK, then, what’s fire made of? Me: Um… 7: 🎵𝘪𝘵’𝘴 𝘔𝘈𝘈𝘈𝘈𝘎𝘐𝘊🎵

The key to good job security is to make yourself indispensable to your employer (e.g. by withholding the antidote)

Oh, fine. Agree with me. See if I care. You do think I’m right, though, right?

and I put on underwear for this?

for the potato fears not death

Love when prepared foods have a last instruction like “Serve” or “Enjoy.“ tysm I think I’ve got it from here

this is my raven go quoth your own

I'm gonna make it to the singularity still typing with only like 4 fingers

son brought home a pinto bean plant from school last spring. it yielded one (1) bean, which we planted. *that* plant yielded ... one (1) bean, which we have also planted. Five months of cultivation has yielded two beans. anyway, you were saying something about "grow your own food"

Work is rarely fun, although fun can be hard work. Maybe nap instead. (Accidental haiku, never mind)

I've just invented a new product that's like bubble wrap but each bubble contains a tiny portion of french onion soup. There is no market for this product and it's very difficult to manufacture. My business model is "buy it or I'll attack you"

Share a TV series from the 1960s you love My choice: The Saint

remember when romance meant poetry and travel and nonstop sex instead of them accompanying you to costco on a sunday morning and pushing the heavy cart

Nine hours with a typo left up is a personal best even for me

Hot potato salad is better than cold potato salad and it’s not even close

An arctic blast is due Tuesday so it’ll be a final bow for the garden this year. 📸📷🌱

Like an old-time super-hero

So of course you were right not to tell the mysteriousness that it was misbuttoned, I tend to miss the point of mysteriousness

You don’t suffer fools gladly? But sir, may I point out that you’re on social media voluntarily?

anyone else need a necklace with a button to push for being in an "i've fallen and can't get up" mental space?

Pro tip: Save money by forgetting to buy whatever you went to the store for in the first place. Win-win!

ever since I was a little girl I knew I wanted to circle the block for parking

Minneapolis achievement unlocked. Traded in my 26+ year old library card for the new limited edition Prince one. Central library was doing brisk business in these this morning. Plus picked up six books!

imagine if sandwiches got invented by any other earl than Sandwich. yeah i'm eating a cucumber shrewsbury

an owl babysitter is a hootenanny has this been done before

[inventor of the bungee jump] no, you go first.

Just give us a keyboard with physical fucking keys

I just want someone to buy me a tiara and tell me my coffee breath smells fine

Walrus potato does not care for your hurtful comparison.

Overheard: "No, I think it should be pepperoni, sausage, bacon and jalapeno." I really hope he was talking to his cardiologist.

not sure whether you realize this or not but what you're saying is very very dumb and you should stop saying it

I am having stuffed mushrooms for lunch because I am fancy* *lacking ingredients for pretty much anything else

They say 73% of all internet traffic is the result of bots engaging in malicious activities, so my bearded clam tweets are directed at only 27% of you

I recently read that Virginia Woolf once characterized T.S. Eliot's fraught relationship with his mentally disturbed wife as wearing a bag of ferrets around his neck and that's exactly what living in America feels like right now.

Wrote "resentful" instead of "aggrieved" for clarity and now I'm a little aggrieved about not being able to use the better word.

Shall I compare thee to a winter's night? So dark, so cold, and full of spite.