Sometimes I text random numbers with pictures of old grey hamburger meat and ask, "is this still ok to eat?"

Whoopsy fuckwitz, did I say something serious and/or meaningful? Vewwy sowwy, I dood a bad.

Favorite random reddit comment of the day: "Truly wild how Covid broke so many rich people's brains, while we were all like, 'Well, guess I'll get into puzzles.'"

TLDR of my regular Veteran's Day post: My father was a Marine. He survived battles you read about in history class. He had PTSD when it was just called moodiness, temper, or "get Daddy a drink." Veteran's Day matters. Don't let it get overshadowed by political bullshit.

Opened the pineapple. Quite badly bruised on one end. Still good though. Dan Holiday is hit on the head and framed for a murder. So far, so normal. That’s okay though, Alan Ladd irritates me, no idea why. Makes my hackles rise and my tail all puffy. #Box13

Eating a sundae with a long spoon is the height of decadence. The longer the spoon the more decadent it is. Ideally you shouldn't even be in the same room as the sundae

if you can't beat em try using fire or doing a spin move

What fictional creature/villain traumatized you as a kid

Got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater

All the fleeting ghosts from the corners of your eyes are more apart than anything in front of you so please, keep them in mind sideways for the panoramic pick up lines, condemned tire swing matchmakings just laying around and around in your yard

Can AI talk to my GPS so I don't have to sit in traffic behind someone with a smörgåsbord of oddly specific hate filled political stickers on their ass-bumper? Thanks.

I thought I would stop by.

The workplace exclamation point is too powerful. It can have so many meanings. Enthusiasm. Mild rage. Friendship. War.

I mostly avoid asking people how they are doing because I assume they’re going to ask how I’m doing and that isn’t any of my business. i don’t need to think about that!

Pronounces guacamole like whack-a-mole

Me: I would like to read this article. Also Me: The article I want to read is actually a video. Never mind.

Judge a seafood restaurant by the art in its Ladies Room.

JFC. Who turned the Batshit Signal on?

The overnight process failed and we will need to apply the self loathing manually today.

naked taters in your area need to be buttered

I bring a calming presence to everywhere I go, because I’m super chill all the time if you didn’t fucking know😎..

Honestly I’m still sore from the monster mash.

Hamburger helps those that help themselves

“i fold,” said the poker player & the laundromat guy & the origami artist & the dems &

All businesses should have a display case of pies next to their register-- not just diners.

Spudnut. Just saying. IYKYK

*getting hit in the face with a shovel My god, I love you.

My girlfriend said she was preparing for me a fancy feast. I couldn't eat it. I gave it to the cat.

“Can’t” is an interesting word. So is “disingenuous”.

You know how when you uncover enough universal truths you reach a free personal one, I just got a realizations on off switch

ALL I WANT IS TO BE LOVED, YOU STUPID FUCKING CUNTS.

7: Fire is magic. Me: No, it’s science. 7: OK, then, what’s fire made of? Me: Um… 7: 🎵𝘪𝘵’𝘴 𝘔𝘈𝘈𝘈𝘈𝘎𝘐𝘊🎵

The key to good job security is to make yourself indispensable to your employer (e.g. by withholding the antidote)

Oh, fine. Agree with me. See if I care. You do think I’m right, though, right?

and I put on underwear for this?

for the potato fears not death

Love when prepared foods have a last instruction like “Serve” or “Enjoy.“ tysm I think I’ve got it from here

this is my raven go quoth your own

I'm gonna make it to the singularity still typing with only like 4 fingers

son brought home a pinto bean plant from school last spring. it yielded one (1) bean, which we planted. *that* plant yielded ... one (1) bean, which we have also planted. Five months of cultivation has yielded two beans. anyway, you were saying something about "grow your own food"

Work is rarely fun, although fun can be hard work. Maybe nap instead. (Accidental haiku, never mind)

I've just invented a new product that's like bubble wrap but each bubble contains a tiny portion of french onion soup. There is no market for this product and it's very difficult to manufacture. My business model is "buy it or I'll attack you"

Share a TV series from the 1960s you love My choice: The Saint

remember when romance meant poetry and travel and nonstop sex instead of them accompanying you to costco on a sunday morning and pushing the heavy cart

Nine hours with a typo left up is a personal best even for me

Hot potato salad is better than cold potato salad and it’s not even close

An arctic blast is due Tuesday so it’ll be a final bow for the garden this year. 📸📷🌱

Like an old-time super-hero