pulling the coolguys lever

not enough bad people are covered in boils these days

You think orcas know we love what they're doing to the rich? I hope they do.

I had to turn on the AC today. In February. This is bullshit.

I just remembered I have work tomorrow & my armpits caught fire.

Yelling "Jinx!" every time someone walks past me at the restaurant

When I was in junior high school, I knew a girl who was weirdly into Neil Sedaka. We stopped being friends before I found out we weren't friends anymore, if you know what I mean. I haven't thought of her in years. Never mind, this doesn't reflect on Mr. Sedaka's oeuvre in any way. RIP etc.

*28 days later*

The weary always working it.

put the box fan on low and told my demons they should go but are welcome to stay for coffee if they don’t expect any sugar

But that’s where I keep all my sanctimony—!

The uninitiated challenges that certain people present

✨✨✨

Forgot my heating pad on the wild side.

I love a tot a lot and a lot of tots lots

sup❤️✨

I don’t hold grudges but I do keep a score.

“anyway so how’s your flesh prison been tho”

yesterday at the grocery store i saw two celebrities singing john lennon’s imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor.

throwback to the day a white squirrel in the meadow gave me a quest

𝗠𝗔𝗥𝗞 𝗥𝗢𝗧𝗛𝗞𝗢, Untitled (Orange), 1957 Oil on canvas 67 1/8 × 62 1/4 in. (170.5 × 158.1 cm) Katharine Ordway Collection © 1998 Kate Rothko Prizel & Christopher Rothko ARS ☼𝙻𝚒𝚗𝚔𝚜 𝚒𝚗 𝚋𝚒𝚘

But has anyone tried making nachos out of potato chips instead of tortilla chips? You know, for science.

If I had an enchanted sword, I would be really smug about people with regular swords

I’m a prisoner of possibilities.

if you are trans, you have to live. the world needs your spirit, your art, and when they bury these decrepit monsters clinging to power by lying about who you are we will need your help pissing on their graves.

Ducks from last week, because I’m sick of the monochrome of snow. 🪶📸📷

dear family member thank you for inviting me to your wedding unfortunately i’ve changed my mind about attending because what the fuck am i supposed to wear also dave will be there and tbh he’s a monumental horror so you know. hope you have a great day anyway!xxx

licking the microwave clean

Ugh, that skeet could have been so much better. Me going through my old skeets.

"Friends" is a beloved American sitcom that aired from 1994 to 2004, following six young adults—Rachel, Ross, Monica, Chandler, Joey, and Phoebe—living in New York City. The show explores their friendships, romances, careers, and personal growth over ten seasons.

Ghosts don't just become friends, they become boosome buddies I'm so sorry and send

Enthusiasm doesn’t really help anything (no matter what extroverts say)

Don’t worry about all the things you’re thinking and feeling you will eventually die.

I CAST WHIMSY ON THE SKYLINE

Some of the most awkward moments in life are when you need to put something down, but must move something else to do that, you move the other thing, only for a third thing to fall into the space for the thing to be put down upon

lawyer: number four, why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury? me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.

changing out of office msg to 'good luck lol'

Greetings and good morning It’s national toast day with the donkey rush hour #nationaltoastday #toastday #toastyfriend

Once upon a time a jalapeño met some cream cheese and fell in love. They lived happily ever after on a toasted everything bagel until I ate it all just now. Yum.

caveman: ugg caveman therapist: (nodding) ugg caveman: *starts crying*

Admittedly blissful

The percentage of people who just don't want to be best friends is so close to 100 you could hear two special little bracelets I made drop

imagine a rejection letter, but for lunch. that’s what your sandwich looks like, it looks like a rejection letter sandwich, every which way

Hang on, just whipping up another miracle

when life feels too predictable i like to play a lil game called What Happens If I Dont Take My Meds

Oh no, I insist. After you.

after reading all your posts i feel like the kid in elementary school who brought a box of air to show and tell