only in competition with my multiverse self

By the Goddess!, I shout as I pull out several slices of salami from my bra.

She’s such a cutie. 🥰 Penelope is absolutely adorable. #donkey

Even though I have never been to Scotland, my phone auto suggests “didnae” instead of “didn’t” every time. I mean, every single time. Either our robot overlords have a brogue or my phone is haunted by the ghost of Sean Connery. Or James Doohan, I suppose.

Hands off.. that’s my Aldi quarter, bitch…

maintain is to maintenance as champagne is to champagnance

Hard to know when someone is hitchhiking or just being supportive

In Thai, salad is called "larb" because that's the sound your stomach makes when you're hungry and they bring you a salad.

Mostly I’m here to support your parasocial relationships.

Nobody: Me: The Dutch word for gear shift knob is "versnellingspookknop"

If only you could see what I’ve seen with this E-mail address you gave me.

lil dude with his mf joy

Where go the ephemeral after saying their piece? A lily, a magpie, a thought that urges you to break free and fly?

Sliding doors. Worlds mirror changes. Choices are pathways. A butterfly flapped its wings somewhere and now I get olive cream cheese instead of jalapeño with my Thursday bagel.

It may have found me well, but your email means absolutely nothing to me.

In the depths of the outward life, sharks and monsters swim alongside the inert body of your free will. In the inward life, you are the protagonist.

If we knew all the codes we could get all the messages and maybe get something out of everything but instead we evolved how to get ahead of ourselves I meant to just tap out sweet morse code nothings

Now, a message from Julie Lavender Menace: Rev. Ravenscrof has been relaxing at the *spa retreat. He gets lots of **sun, and sips ***cognac in the ****aviary. He sends his love. God bless. *psych hospital **electro shock ***liquid Xanax ****rubber room

this is what they would have looked like, though

Everyone has their favorite @ennuidoofen.bsky.social story of encouragement. Mine is when I'd cry to her about how much better than me she is at this and then she'd make sure we always tied in rock paper scissors happy birthday

Happy birthday sweet Doof! Happy biiirthday tooo yoou! Happy birthday dear @ennuidoofen.bsky.social ! Happeee biiirthdaaay tooo yooooou 🩷 🥳

You say Jump, I say No, you go first.

I'm never serious when I post but I always mean it.

If anything I am dangerously and delusionally optimistic

looking for moral clarity inside this bag of donuts

long ass post in the earlier morning this short ass one later is a keeper though

I'm not a player I just axolotl

Wave back even when you're not sure that they're waving at you because someone should.

Be like Arlo. Be like Doof. 💜💜💜

The guys at the illuminati meeting laughed at my crocs

When your head is ringing & nothing will make it chime.

scientists in san diego have discovered a rare talking fish taco that says, “i’m super stoked, bro. let’s do this.” right before you eat it.

one & a half

Once again, I present the potato statue of Xylophagou, a village in Cyprus that sought to pay tribute to this humble, vital vegetable. #WyrdWednesday

It’s been three days what’s taking so long? The bean seeds declined to answer.

It's hot...

Warning: mild profundity

my last words will probably be “who’s a good boy?!” right before being shot by one of those robot dogs

I've just invented a new life hack called "eat a block of cheese with a knife and fork". What you want to do is take a knife & fork then take a block of cheese then use the knife & fork to eat the block of cheese and your life will be 4% better as a result

you can criticize people without being ableist, transphobic, homophobic, fatphobic, racist, sexist etc, it's important to me that you know that

Cleanliness is next to godliness in the way that you are next door to that asshole you hate talking to.

Once upon a time, I knew a lot of people with the last name Smith. Now I don’t know any. Times really do change.

haha, if i'm supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are in the park singing happy birthday to a seagull?

Looking for a summer read? 4 Snap Questions: The Devil and the Wolf Q1: What's it about? In this fantasy comedy, the Faustian character Mephistopheles, aided by his assistant JR, attempts to quit a hated job - preferably without triggering Armageddon. #Booksky 👀📚📕💙 rlpastore.com/books-by-ric...

Do the people who say you can't buy happiness know about Mexican food

Interpretive dance, for when you don’t have an answer to a question

I ain't wasting gnome ore time

I am not above pity likes

Imagine if you will small cotton candy machine in my skull where a brain should be