If it's any consolation, we're 90% sure monkeys don't understand the underlying meaning behind an extended middle finger.

Interesting Fact: Greeneville Zoo's breeding success is over 80%, except for our blobfish which have completely given up.

So many politicians these days have the charm and effectiveness of a fart in a storm.

So I said to her, "No, you are not being haunted by the ghost of Jamie Bamber. Jamie Bamber is still alive."

I wish people could live in peace, not just rest in peace.

What's the family version of a frenemy? Oh yeah, that's just called family.

One of my defining traits is that I'm a big fan of museum gift shops.

Don’t bother to read this, I need to look like I’m texting someone for a minute. Thanks for your forbearance.

The Shadow and Nancy Drew are now in public domain - so it's time to publish that erotic crossover fan fiction you've been working on

Just wanted to let you know that I've updated my terms and conditions to something you'd never agree to.

My New Year’s resolution? I guess it can be summed up by this, my new daily prayer… God grant me: the ability to ignore good advice, the power to change only when it’s convenient, and the lack of wisdom to know when to shut up.

Your New Year's resolution starts at midnight - you've got until then to EAT EVERYTHING!!!

Looking for Constantinople in the wordsearch but all I can find is Istanbul.

Welcome to the Crimbo Limbo, that space of time between Christmas and New Year's - or as I think of it, The Perineum.

My stomach grew three sizes this day.

Either you're enjoying yourself today and having treats, or you aren't enjoying yourself and need treats to get you through it. One way or the other, indulge yourself.

Being a little maudlin about those who aren't here this Christmas is a good thing, right? Don't worry, I'll be merry after the coffee hits.

Christ, much like Michael Landon, was a Jewish guy who showed Christians how to get into heaven.

Mary Little was a bitch who hated Christmas and complained constantly. I hope you don't have a Mary Little Christmas.

Just one mention of seeing the family for Christmas and I'm drinking Rompope straight from the bottle.

Keep the más in Christmas!

In the interest of balance #news

"Be a lamp unto yourself. You should totally be your own wingman. And like, hold your own truth as being the only truth and shit. You know what I mean, right?" - P.D.Q. Buddha

I'm very happy movies only focus on the damage Godzilla causes with his front end.

“Look! It’s a peadick!”

Writing holiday cards with the same energy I gave to an all-night essay back in university. The first ones got individual (& legible) heartfelt sentiments. Now it’s a pro forma scrawl. Still heartfelt, though, considering the cost of postage nowadays. Bah humbug etc

You are only as old as the person who plays you in the TV version.

Please stop trying to make penis brittle a thing

I have no idea what I'm doing anymore.... or any less

Introduce yourself with 5 concerts you've seen. Pablo Cruise Dr. Hook and the Medicine Show The Tubes Dire Straits Judas Priest (My first five shows - the first three were at the Del Mar Fair)

when we say we want more streets to be pedestrianized, this is what we mean

I don't have dreams as much as I have brain shenanigans

No, ordering more things because they have flat rate shipping is not frivolous because what if it turns out that I really like Olde Westport Dine-O-Mite Jalapeño Pepper powder? Huh, Janice? AND I’m supporting a small independent business. So fuck right out of my superego, imaginary bitch.

In the fabled land of Etre, the people worshipped a sacred dried fruit - The Raisin D'Etre was their raison d'être.

My father once told me that the Tooth Fairy never visited us because she was his ex and there were "Issues"

I saw a little dog with fancy ear ribbons, who is probably named Contessa or Fluffmeister or Sweety-poots but who secretly thinks of themselves as Blood-gnasher, Devourer of Souls.

i was raptured earlier but didn’t care for it they kept trying to get me to sign up for paramount+ anyway i’m back now

Rain, Rain, Come and stay. I'll get things done another day.

sometimes being an atheist really sucks bc i want so many people to burn in hell

conceal don’t feel!

LOCK IT! HIDE IT! KEEP IT! TAMPONS!

Filming is back in LA!!

This year's Thanksgiving turkey looks delicious

These family visits have gotten a lot better since I started disassociating

Coffee creates a vicious circle in my life

Can AI talk to my GPS so I don't have to sit in traffic behind someone with a smörgåsbord of oddly specific hate filled political stickers on their ass-bumper? Thanks.

Spudnut. Just saying. IYKYK

“Can’t” is an interesting word. So is “disingenuous”.