"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself... and, of course, the boogieman" - Pat Paulsen

They say you shouldn't speak ill of the dead. That's why it's so important to treasure the moments when can mercilessly and verbally skewer horrible, soulless, villainous people while they're still alive.

being old is saying "I did that recently" before realizing it was twenty years ago

I just realized I don't even know you people.

Be the unexpected roadwork in someone’s Monday.

People learn from their mistakes? I didn't even know that was an option.

Me trying to be romantic: You are the light in my darkness, the angel of my morning, and the wonder of my wall.

Always makes me happy when my knowledge of Revolting Cocks tracks is useful in a conversation

Shhh, the voices in my head are trying to tell me something.

The sign said “Noodles Sandwiches” and I thought they meant sandwiches filled with noodles but nooo it was just another pho place. Who doesn’t want a noodle sandwich? Someone make it happen, please.

Get yourself someone who will say “pendantic” on purpose knowing that you’ll be pedantic about correcting it.

Happy Father’s Day to anyone with a disapproving, problematic, and/or dead dad. Take the day back. Indulge in something he’d sneer at. Go nuts. Everyone else can play Yahtzee or whatever happy families do, I dunno.

Judge a kabob place by its decor.

Being able to cut mustard is a bar low enough even I can aspire to it.

"This is the worst jicama I've ever eaten" (Proceeds to eat raw potato)

“He’s like a combination Fisher Stevens and Zach Galifinakis” said @happysinecurist.bsky.social just now because we watch too many German procedurals and honestly the bad guy in this one really looks like a combination Fisher Stevens and Zach Galifinakis.

Rollin' Rollin' Rollin' Cats and Dogs are Strollin' You Look Like James Brolin Rawhide!

whenever i’m inconvenienced in the slightest

I just heard another ringing endorsement for tinnitus

Show me a picture that captures your essence

i wanna know whats going on followed immediately by i wanna forget whats going on

Cleanliness is next to godliness in the way that you are next door to that asshole you hate talking to.

I have to go and be responsible so I can come back and be ridiculous. Damn this work ethic.

Life will be hell in the apocalypse but at least we'll have Dippin' Dots.

It's National Bike To Work Day so watch out for those crazy people on the freeways.

I have a literacy problem, apparently I don't know how to read a room.

Probably not the best day to mention that I stopped going to Star Wars movies after the one with the pissed off teddy bears.

pretty sure getting a fluffernutter is a sex thing

Two of Soupy Sales's kids were in Tin Machine with David Bowie.

If you see this post a bird!

Hey wankers, it's International Masturbation Month!

Happy Half-o-ween! (the midpoint between Halloweens)

In Xanadu did Kubla Khan A stately roller disco decree

Find someone who looks at you like my lunch looks at me

out of my sight, out of my mind

I'm sorry I didn't bring my A game, but I did bring Uno.

I'm all about striking when the iron has been sitting unused in the closet for twenty years.

English is fun! To be accepted is to become a part of the group. To be excepted isn't.

"My entire life has led up to this moment." (Goes back to bed)

Wonderwall came on and himself started doing Donut impressions. (Ignore this if you don’t DCC.)

Happy 4/20 day to those who celebrate!

I made a list: 1) Make a list 2) Remember to check the list 3) Check list again! I finished my list, checked it twice. That's my day done, going back to bed.

sunday napping is encouraged

"Ladies, welcome to Babushka Club. The first rule of Babushka Club is: You do not talk about Babushka Club. The second rule of Babushka Club is: You DO NOT talk about Babushka Club."

Manifesting joy by putting on my designated burrito shirt.

this is a judgment free zone because nobody wants to pay for it.

You really want to self-improve? Then try Booksmaxxing! Fact: Avid readers are often more successful. No brain, no gain! 📚📖📕👀💙 Kicking off Indie #Booksmaxxing week. Apr 6 - 10 my Kindle books are free! My Kindle Landing Page mybook.to/RLPastoreBooks

Hmm, inhale calamine lotion, Pepto Bismol or peppermint tea to soothe a hot & itchy brain? Maybe it’s more effective in the ears. I dunno.

We've been at war with Eastasia since 1984.