i wanna know whats going on followed immediately by i wanna forget whats going on

Cleanliness is next to godliness in the way that you are next door to that asshole you hate talking to.

I have to go and be responsible so I can come back and be ridiculous. Damn this work ethic.

Life will be hell in the apocalypse but at least we'll have Dippin' Dots.

It's National Bike To Work Day so watch out for those crazy people on the freeways.

I have a literacy problem, apparently I don't know how to read a room.

Probably not the best day to mention that I stopped going to Star Wars movies after the one with the pissed off teddy bears.

pretty sure getting a fluffernutter is a sex thing

Two of Soupy Sales's kids were in Tin Machine with David Bowie.

If you see this post a bird!

Hey wankers, it's International Masturbation Month!

Happy Half-o-ween! (the midpoint between Halloweens)

In Xanadu did Kubla Khan A stately roller disco decree

Find someone who looks at you like my lunch looks at me

out of my sight, out of my mind

I'm sorry I didn't bring my A game, but I did bring Uno.

I'm all about striking when the iron has been sitting unused in the closet for twenty years.

English is fun! To be accepted is to become a part of the group. To be excepted isn't.

"My entire life has led up to this moment." (Goes back to bed)

Wonderwall came on and himself started doing Donut impressions. (Ignore this if you don’t DCC.)

Happy 4/20 day to those who celebrate!

I made a list: 1) Make a list 2) Remember to check the list 3) Check list again! I finished my list, checked it twice. That's my day done, going back to bed.

sunday napping is encouraged

"Ladies, welcome to Babushka Club. The first rule of Babushka Club is: You do not talk about Babushka Club. The second rule of Babushka Club is: You DO NOT talk about Babushka Club."

Manifesting joy by putting on my designated burrito shirt.

this is a judgment free zone because nobody wants to pay for it.

You really want to self-improve? Then try Booksmaxxing! Fact: Avid readers are often more successful. No brain, no gain! 📚📖📕👀💙 Kicking off Indie #Booksmaxxing week. Apr 6 - 10 my Kindle books are free! My Kindle Landing Page mybook.to/RLPastoreBooks

Hmm, inhale calamine lotion, Pepto Bismol or peppermint tea to soothe a hot & itchy brain? Maybe it’s more effective in the ears. I dunno.

We've been at war with Eastasia since 1984.

What a pleasant view. Nature sure is pretty, but Man, this shit smells bad! (haiku)

"We're infamous for our blueberry scones."

Walked past some teens making a dance TikTok in an alley and deplored my adolescence spent in clubs & concerts although now that I think about it, I’m kinda glad there’s no permanent record.

Your reality is a very tenuous thing. Maybe that's the point.

The Game of Life needs an updated edition called "Generational Wealth" where one player starts with all the money and can change the rules whenever they want.

Now that I know how horrible people can be, a person just "being a dick" doesn't seem that bad.

It's the day for the "wearing of the green". For some it's about Irish sentiment but for more it's a way to ward off pinching and memories of childhood trauma. Happy thoughts.

For 30% of people, Pseudoscience works 100% of the time. Ask your local Practitioner if Pseudoscience is right for you!

I used to have a friend who thought it was hilarious that I dislike the number 13. She was otherwise lovely, but genuinely poked snorty fun at me for this one thing. Anyhow, yeah, she died a few years back on the 13th. Wasn’t a Friday, but still. Hashtag Triskaidekaphobia.

Her: You are the only person who gets to decide if you are happy or not. Me: Oh great, now that's my fault too.

logging on

People who point out that tomatoes are fruits should also give cucumbers equal time.

Crumpets, the original thinking person's crumpet.

Being an adult means sometimes not being able to tell which of you is avoiding the other when it comes to reciprocal invitations. Anyhow yeah, another rain check. No prob. 👍

When someone says that they did something "single handedly" never ask what their other hand did.

Pasta Puttanesca... Puttanesca: Italian, from puttana ‘prostitute’ (the sauce is said to have been devised by prostitutes as one which could be cooked quickly between clients' visits). So, when you say "Pasta Puttanesca like my momma used to make", I now know what you're really saying.

When I was a child, a teacher read "The Princess and the Pea" out loud to us and I remember thinking "of course she can tell when somebody peed in her bed, it'd be wet."

tuna melt = medicine

It's Friday the 13th. If anything bad happens to you it's the stupid day and not your fault at all. Now that you are absolved of responsibility you are free to do anything!

it's that time of year when I remember a guy I knew. He used to start a fight and break up with his girlfriend the week before Valentine's Day. A week later he'd "apologize" and they'd be back together. Gaslighting the poor girl just because he wanted to save money. What a jerk. They're married now.

"Lightly Salted" is the methadone of the Pringles family.