Things are so expensive now "Pimp My Ride" is called "Maintain My Vehicle"

*extreme Bob Segar voice* 🎶workin’ in the backrooms🎶

#WorkPostSaturday One time, I built a wine cave for a very wealthy man, and a place for his friends to drink it. I look at these pictures and get mad that I did such nice work for this jackwagon. He is only client I have ever fired in my 34 year career. Mars, PA 2023

if a tree falls in the forest and i set fire to your car do you really care about the tree

Man, that lecture on evolution lasted forever

that fact that they make “elizabethan collars” for dogs, and real elizabethan collars are called “ruff collars” and no one has made a dog elizabethan collar that looks like a classic elizabethan ruff collar is such a huge missed opportunity. the design, name, and marketing is right there my guys

They're putting his name on a $250 bill because that's the cover charge at the grocery store! Jimmy Kimmel 🤙 call me

It's strange, laying in the garden to get all covered in ivy and it wraps around over a few times everything but your nipples like you know I can just grow tassles right

#FindASongToExplain 91 #MusicChallenge Pink Floyd - Wish You Were Here youtu.be/K6qj09OHvjw?...

My favorite surprise movie endings are: The Sixth Sense Primal Fear The Usual Suspects

scrappy-doo is an incel

Let’s get high and watch horror shorts all night

There aren’t nearly as many pianos falling down a flight of stairs as I was led to believe as a kid

Spider Noir has pretty good cinematography, decent acting, but with a few exceptions, the writing misses noir by a mile. Too much exposition and explanation.

You know you really been through it when the paramedics wrap you in foil like a baked potato

New blooms and lots of visitors in the garden this morning! #Bloomscrolling #FlowerReport #Invertebrates

Sorry your Altima sounds like a dirt bike

I had a date with the moon

My drafts are like ______________ American government is a circus running cover for the consolidation of fascist power ______________ Grilmed chimken sangmuch ______________

Said something the wife didn’t like so now I’m getting the silent treatment. Gonna be a good day.

I just heard an ad on the radio for lab-grown organs. This is a thing? We don't need The Island? Cool cool cool

No matter what else he does I’m a fan of John Cena because he has granted over 650 Make a Wish requests.

finding leftover cake in the fridge should play the jeopardy daily double sound

oh my god! I just remembered! WEED!!

Did anyone want this?

Is everything OK?

Quiet. I just put the computer down to sleep.

they’re going to put me in the 2027 Guinness Book of World Records for carrying the most shopping bags at a time

You: (song of quaking aspen leaves) Me: (Sherm Feller announcing the ‘75 Red Sox lineup without his dentures in)

Drop some hats

🎶 but my body, yearned to be free 🎶 youtu.be/jkCUWNbTiA4?...

She's still mad dad left her.

Me, Louis Armstrong, and Tom Waits, sitting in a restaurant, looking at our menus, just endlessly clearing our throats

taking this benadryl reminded me to leave cookies and milk out for the hat man tonight

*careless whisper intensifies*

This is Shadow and we're going to be good friends.

Age verification? Do bongs.

“This sour cream smells sour” and other thoughts I have that are absolute genius

"Have a good weekend!" email speak for "bitch do NOT talk to me until Monday if you know what's good for you"

FREE TONY

I just bought a slightly used Delorian It was only driven from time to time

New video is live! Jessica's house was interesting. youtu.be/nngOgIw-KOI?...

*pronounces like like Nike*

Downtown details, and spacing out looking at old buildings. Have a weekend, people. 📸: Portland, Oregon