I had to peak at the crumb

Brb…have to get the box for tonight’s dinner out of the recycle bin because I forgot some of the heating instructions.

A subtweet will teach them

Never been sworn in but I’ve definitely been cursed out

A great line I wrote: “We all got parts of our lives we wish we could wipe from existence.However, the pain remains behind to remind us how we decided to embrace life instead of succumbing to death.”

I picked one out for tonight’s grinder

i think more writers should cause billionaires to have nervous breakdowns

the scribble i'm going to finish (hopefully) tonight the idea behind this scribble...saw this vintage toy robot & he looked like he was full of existential dread...so the city around him is going to be bright colors but he brings his own gray cloud with him...this is version 4😐 #RobotArt🤖🎨 #Robots

Are you kidding me rn? I think I actually see that Aurora thing.

I remember the first time I learned there were horny milfs in my area I screamed

Showing kids today The Whitest Kids U'Know and telling them 'this was really funny in 2009' as they can only look upon't in horror

np: Robyn - Dopamine youtu.be/vitil9qMN6A

You think what you say bothers me I went to the school of sticks and stones motherfucker

Oh goody. Anxiety.

Grinders. Hoagies. Submarines…

This year's Thanksgiving turkey looks delicious

For December's #MusicChallenge we've chosen some photos for everyone to pick a tune to that turns each snapshot into cinema. We invite you to #SoundtrackThis Join @firstnamebob.bsky.social and I for the fun!

Never forget

Water is turned off, and my butt wants to release the kraken...Hopefully it's back on soon.

diverting the water directed to data centers to my spa for horses

I don't want to be the asshole that makes a proctology joke.

I do all my own stunts. <clumsy>

They’re subdividing…

"If I fItS i SiTs!!!" he screeched indignantly

Texas Book Suppository

Only wink wink can nudge nudge me

I love love but I'm not in love with love

I didn’t have the forethought to make a neurologist joke.

Determined to enjoy the holidays this year. That's why I'm holding New Family Auditions.

Doctor: I use an app to transcribe my visits with AI, is that OK? Me: Sure Doc: Great Me: ᶠᵘᶜᵏʸᵒᵘᶜᵒᵐᵖᵘᵗᵉʳ Doc: What was that? Me: Nothing Me: ˡⁱᵗᵗˡᵉᵇⁱᵗᶜʰᶜᵒᵐᵖᵘᵗᵉʳ

The amount of posts I've deleted before posting is way more than those I've posted.

netflix and chill? no thanks. how about cobb salads and cry.

Do we have independent confirmation that Chumbawamba really drank a whiskey drink, a vodka drink, a lager drink, and a cider drink? That’s a lot for most people.

Seeking someone who would like to spend a few winter months in a cozy brooklyn apartment in exchange for their home in a tropical climate, thank you so much

Once you earn a goth girl’s trust, you may feed her Mike & Ikes straight from your hand

What if the reason why the McRib is limited is because they grind up fry guys for the meat and sauce?

combination dishwasher/laundry machine when

I was part of an animation podcast! @stylusrumble.bsky.social hosted and we talked animation industry stuff youtu.be/dUzko5DH9UE?...

They say empty vessels make the loudest noise but what they don’t tell you is they also make a wicked handy receptacle to carry your bologna loaf in

These family visits have gotten a lot better since I started disassociating

If someone mentions "faxing" or a "fax number" I say "are you taking the piss" in a horrible English accent

wednesday can’t be hump day because the d is silent

Creativity is our birthright. Everyone says sentences they've never heard, sometimes sentences no one has ever spoken. So go ahead and create. It doesn't have to be "art." Maybe come up with a new cocktail or a way to do something at work. Sing a song about your pet. It's fine.

Cosmic sans

A 2 second voice mail from a silenced number is sufficient social interaction unto the day even if it’s only 8:30 a.m.

Knocked a couple pieces of maple together while bringing in firewood and before I knew it a family of bigfoots had brought a casserole. “We’re going to need that dish back,” they said, "it's vintage CorningWare."

So many moving pieces in the world this morning. I’m going to drink a Fanta grape from a long neck bottle and cruise the esplanade with Herbie Hancock

“that’s a banger” i say while hitting you on the head with a mallet