If I’m hard enough, heavy enough, and falling fast enough to crash through the linoleum with plywood subfloor, I will then proceed to smash into the concrete basement foundation. That’s not the toughest warrior getting the toughest battles, that’s just physics, Belinda.

This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it

Told this elderly man at the golf course I have a migraine and he pulled out a Narco and told me I’d be real happy soon

I got wild last night and drank a whole six pack* *of Milk Chocolate Ensure Plus Nutrition Shakes

So great to get out of the shower at 2:15 AM, step outside at 2:45 fresh and dressed and already I’m sweating.

"" ♻️ Took me a long while to actually online track down this artist, but if you're like me, you've seen this work a long ways back. It's a really good click over to see the store! 🤖😀👋

Back in the day, when @moremovies.co.uk wasn't such a 🎥powerhouse, we used to play in the twitter feeds, an some funny shit went down! Went back to 2 or 4 earliest they done, where they dropped a commercial in their vid they made for me. Me! yer pal, URS! Never forgot it G&D. Thanks yo! 🤖😀👋

Fucked that there are a million songs about love but only one about baking me a cake as fast as you can

This heat isn't good for the emergency bologna I keep in my bra

The worst part about this poor air quality is not being able to go outside for a smoke

You become an adult the day you realize you've been misusing a slang word

GM 🖤 Don't mind me

I'm going to start having my dog drag my limp body around as transportation

My only me time is the 45 minutes I set aside during my shower to eat a pizza and cry

Remember when people on the right kept pointing at all the cctv cameras in England and saying “Orwellian dystopia?” Now they elected a technocrat puppet and can’t even pronounce dystopia anymore.

I realize object permanence is considered a developmental trait on a basic level, but too much of it is problematic as we see people building more and more unsustainable things without realizing that entropy is even more real than “objects.”

Reminder, the thing on the diarrhea lettuce is a parasite, not a virus. You’re not immune after having it once.

I basically am a buffalo. Those are bison, not buffalo.

Look you obviously can’t exclude the possibility that monks were heavy drinkers.

Don’t believe for a moment that you see the truth while others don’t. They know there are limited resources, they know this is all unsustainable. They’re not operating blindly, they’re just ensuring that they are sustained, regardless of what happens to everyone else.

Or, hear me out, you could just start everything an hour earlier and not fake the clocks year round.

Guess I'll just go ahead and change the date on today's to-do list

Me: let me slip into something more comfortable *changes into my hello kitty footed pjs, some fuzzy slippers, and I get my fav stuffed animal*

“Thankfully I’m partnering with…” [unapologetic chainsaw noises]

thinking of trading in my smartphone for a brick

no one could see this coming says the person who was told by many, many people it was coming

these dog days of summer need more dogs

i’m the goat: got owies and trauma

I feel sorry for the bees that have to make hot honey.

If I go to a psychic and they ask for my name, I leave

TO THE LATRINE WITH YOUR NEWS I AM TURNING THIS INTO AN ENTIRE PERSONALITY youtu.be/oQshPavy4AI?...

I knew it! I blew ya.

Sk8rgrrrl4lyfe69 has entered the chat

I tried to get a tiny spot off my monitor for 15 min. Y'all it was a comma

None of my drinks are on the happy hour menu, please pray for me during this difficult time

In the 1990’s you couldn’t buy a head of lettuce without a ponytail on it

Skipped the spiral and went for a downward swan dive.

Freedom gas? How about some Freedom health care? Maybe some freedom higher education? Freedom Child care?

The head demands a part of future memory, while the world demands a role in mundane responsibility.

Bada baada… bada. [walks off screen]

This is like a block or so from my joint. Looks like the OP was from 19 hours ago, an will admit I think at that time, I already had quite a few chardonnays, so can't really verify my actions or location.

Being hungry is actually pretty cool, if you think about it.

Gazing at your pit sweat stains the same way people look at clouds

We didn’t get Bernie bc, quite frankly, we never deserved him.

Sorry, my hungry ass thought that was a placenta

Who up trying to enjoy tap water and air conditioning before they build a local data center?