if you’re flirting with me i won’t know it i probably think you have the flu or something

Have you tried unleashing your vast armada of steampunk battleblimps about it?

Me: hold my purse Him: why is your purse so heavy? Wtf is in here? Me: idk, the normal stuff. Wallet, makeup, phone, panini press, bread, salami, cheeses, a few hair ties...

Spider Noir has pretty good cinematography, decent acting, but with a few exceptions, the writing misses noir by a mile. Too much exposition and explanation.

yes offense

if a tree falls in the forest and i set fire to your car do you really care about the tree

That’s the thing, lady. Of all the stars with all the big rocks lucky enough to drag an atmosphere, I ended up on this one, with Kentucky Bourbon smoother than silk and laced with spice, and a pair of eyes like yours. I don’t know if you want a drink or not, but I’m ordering two more.

getting groceries delivered isn’t enough i want them to come in and put them away then brush my hair

him: your lips are so full and inviting me: thx i was attacked by wasps

it’s a hazy memory but i’m almost certain there was a time when being asked to go somewhere on a saturday night didn’t feel like a threat

i appreciate pope leo in his first encyclical telling everyone to follow me on bsky

my last words will probably be “who’s a good boy?!” right before being shot by one of those robot dogs

the kool-aid man only he’s coffee-man and he’s big enough for me to climb into and swim around

i knew i won the rap battle when i made the cutting remarks about how their different colored upper and lower kitchen cabinets isn’t timeless but just a design fad and the crowd all gasped

All right, all right, all right

Morning x

“Vibrant” in tourism means lots of traffic.

Smoking, alcohol content, foul language? Did this movie just rate… me?

Take me down to the David Rohl city when the dates BC we accepted were iffy

We should all probably remember this when trying to help someone. If they resist the help, it may not be because they want to stay in the situation, it may be because you sound like you’re going to make everything worse.

Stockholm syndrome was just a misrepresentation of someone being more afraid of idiotic would-be rescuers than the captor they wanted to escape.

CEO: So strings of cheese. What do we call it? GARY: How about just 'Cheese strings' CEO: Perfect ME: *crumpling my note that says 'Ramen Moodles'* Fuck you Gary.

I must cleanse the way between us.

That was very deep and insightful. Excuse me while I go drunk walk the dog.

“It is by will alone, I set my mind in motion,” I say, as I knock back 2 shots of rum.

slow dance with me in the kitchen in our underwear while harvest moon plays quietly

Sustainability is not the only quality, and yet it is the primary quality, as all other qualities evaporate without it, ridiculing your efforts and leaving you less than when you began.

Can't believe I gave up the swamp hag life for this bullshit

Let’s get pudgy together.

Still pretty hilarious that all these PACs blew their wads on a house primary race in… Kentucky. You need nothing more than that to understand their grasp of economics.

The thing about living in Kentucky is lmao Kentucky.

guys i really liked the bride (2026)

what’s your favorite driving move? mine is definitely turning left at the light. love a good left turn at the light.

Maybe you offer hope but the funky cheese is here and now

Don’t make me eat more cheese. You wouldn’t like me if I ate more cheese.

Word.

Trauma dump and chill?

Turns out the real appeal of “the old days” was that we had no fucking clue what was really happening.

You know eating is pretty cool. Probably just some basic evolved reward bullshit but whatever.

I can to borrow a cup of Smucker’s Raspberry Jam

I'm not saying some of the people who say I'm not a real Star Wars fan do it because I'm female. Or maybe I'm wrong. But the Force, and my Magic 8 Ball, say maybe

Whoa whoa there, my self hate doesn’t mean I automatically think highly of you.

K g’bye Chrome.

I love alpacas.

ladies and gentlemen I am no longer mentally ill (fridge now has groceries in it)

I wonder how many more times the garage door will open and close. #6

Phalanges! Get some phalanges! Crunchy, bite sized phalanges! Great in soup!

They're so concerned about my parcel's fulfillment but what about mine?!

You don't think vampires wouldn't have found ways around the whole "must be invited into one's domicile" thing after thousands of years? Technically, they can skate on getting permission to use the can