Living next to the USA right now feels like being trapped in a car with a drunk driver who is chain smoking stale cigarettes and careening down an icy mountain road in the dark and rain

Happy birthday Marie Curie, you would have loved PPE

It would be fascinating to read about the 2020s from the comfort of the future where we all somehow have secure housing and healthcare and a UBI and we've fixed the climate. Watching it in real time is too arghhhhhh

You can't make me happy. You're a human being, not an art nouveau train station

I used to have atrocious judgement when it came to men. For example, I used to think Jake Tapper was a credible journalist

I was helping my son with his english homework and I told him that a smidgen was a small pigeon so now I have another meeting with his teacher.

Chaos is my favourite word that's spelled like it means it.

GIRLFRIEND: I'm sorry but I need to break up with you. ME: Is it because I do a pterodactyl screech every time I see a baby? HER: Yes. Yes it is.

One time I called whale sounds 'Depth Metal' and now I'm banned from every meditation group in my town.

When CPAs break the law are they sent to accounty jail

[inventor of the bungee jump] no, you go first.

ME: Whatcha doin? WIFE: Watchin Dune. ME: I asked you first, Sharon.

The ability to distinguish between an AI picture and a real one is called art official intelligence...and send

Saying "just methin around" when someone catches me doing something silly. I can't stop

Eating 2 gummy bears stuck to each other in the 69 position are always extra juicy

Hamburger help me hide this body

Goon a movie Goon with the wind

Well there were some flakes of snow so I made chicken noodle soup and hot chocolate. No accumulation, may have overreacted.

I have found my spirit animal. Behold the sarcastic fringehead (when chilling in pic one, when you ruin the vibe in pic two)

Be the King’s sweet Hawaiian roll between my lips

Hahahahahaha Hahaha Ha haha Ha (so alone)

First of all, my Aqua Groove Aerobics instructor is MEAN.

Are these two ice packs on my ass or is my butt just numb to see you?

Would it hurt your feelings if I put you on a list called people I want to follow when we can mute reskeets? Because, dang. Dang.

(narrator) Driven from her bed by hunger she struggles her way into a bra.

If a woman makes intense eye contact as she places her empty cup under the Keurig but no man notices, does she even really need coffee? Probably not. There's gotta be another reason for her to be stabbing you like that.

𝐅𝐎𝐔𝐍𝐃 𝐖𝐀𝐋𝐋𝐏𝐀𝐏𝐄𝐑 𝐅𝐎𝐑 𝐌𝐘 𝐁𝐀𝐓𝐇𝐑𝐎𝐎𝐌

It was when men she had never had any interest in at all began sliding into DMs to let her know they have girlfriends that Pam decided to hang it up completely.

10:28 p.m. (slips casserole into oven)

Time to fill the void in my soul with pizza.

Showing myself a good time 😉😏 (eating snacks alone in bed)

crazy how they fit the entire rogers centre in the gom jabbar

if you make the group chat green i will hunt you and your children and your children's children until your bloodline fades from all earthly memory

[showing you absolute dogshit, just frame after frame of the worst excrement an llm has ever soullessly vomited out of its plagiarized training data set] sitcoms will never be the same

no disrespect to roger miller but if i met a man who knew all of the children, all of their names, could tell you every lock that ain't locked when no one's around, and referred to himself as a king, i'd tell him to release the epstein files

i only eat for fuel, oh ok that's cute, i eat for a serpentine belt replacement and a full flush of my transmission fluid

one thing i'm gonna do on marketplace is click on every funky ass traditional instrument i see. you selling a bazouki friend? clicked. gotta get rid of your uncle's baglama saz my guy? clicked. old zither brother? new guzheng sister? mint condition hurdy gurdy cuz? clicked. clicked. clicked.

against my better judgment i still have pride in my work

some days, just as a thought exercise, i contemplate what it would be like to show charles ingalls around our modern world and i've come to the conclusion that he'd really dig tentacle porn

at 9:34 pm the associated press has called the race: the next mayor of bluesky will be frances meh

not sure whether you realize this or not but what you're saying is very very dumb and you should stop saying it

i was a regifted child

and will it fit in a kia

CHOTINER: your characters are so vivid PRINE: thank you CHOTINER: in "in spite of ourselves" the lover is obviously loyal PRINE: yes CHOTINER: and yet he's hard drinking PRINE: we all know couples like this CHOTINER: and a committed undie sniffer. where does a character like this come from? PRINE:

Legally changing my name to Charles entertainment cheese

They stopped making pennies. Now what am I going to throw at people who try to talk to me?

(Wedding) Bride: where is your guest? I thought you said brenna plus one Me: slowly brings my sock puppet, skittles, out of my jacket Skittles: im the guest and she'll be eating my meal. I didn't bring a gift