I don't mean to toot my own horn but *pulls out trombone and makes sad noises*

It’s mass religious psychosis, Charlie Brown.

“My artisanal jam business” lol okay lady I don’t want to attend any social event with you.

I felt it in my bones when Lady Mary Crawley said 'I do love you, you know in my cold unfeeling way'

I guess Tylenol refused to pay a bribe.

My girlfriend kept on asking me to go spelunking with her so eventually I caved.

PATRIOTS HOLD ONTO THE BALL CHALLENGE

Am attending a wedding next weekend that I can't cry at, so please give me all your best not crying tips right now, or last week, whichever is most convenient.

You have two cats inside of you. No wolves. Just these two very specific cats

i will consider my time on earth an abject failure if i'm raptured tomorrow

the one place i find common ground with fundamentalist christians is that we're both praying that all the fundamentalist christians disappear from the planet tomorrow

You're wearing THAT to the rapture

I can’t wait to have granny energy.

The world: imploding, fighting, spiraling. Me: here’s a nice picture of my cat, you’re welcome.

I wish tomorrow wasn’t Monday so I could stay up eating baked apples and ice cream, reading a cozy cottagecore novel, then pass out to my rainforest noise machine like a feral woodland granny.

Pitching a solution for a problem that doesn’t yet exist. I’ll be starting on that next.

need the rapture to wait a week so that I can have my little birthday party first

I can't help feeling I could have done more with my angry years.

Oh look we had a rapture in 2023

Rapture this ass

Feel like we should be able to protect the Achilles somehow

[has 1,000 light jackets in various colors] Me: oh that’s a nice light jacket for fall

How come we didn’t get taught how to fold a fitted sheet in school

And I’m just now hearing about it?

I’m not exactly for pharmaceuticals but I’d like to see Tylenol kick RFK jrs ass soon

"Up the wazoo" implies there is an opening and I will find it. -me hosting a travel channel show

My wedding reception buffet will be a variety of vapes in fun flavors

Whoa we're halfway there Whoa running from a bear

Me: omg I'm on pins and needles Acupuncturist: ... Me: aha get it? Get it? Acupuncturist: *stabs me*

Im sorry i can't tell you more about myself. I've had my appendix removed

Today's tshirt

Drop some snakes 🐍

What I'm wearing to the rapture

I waited all day to pop this pimple so you could see be grateful

The foundation to a happy home isn't love. It's a strong base on stable soil, idiot.

whenever I sleep over at my best friend’s house, her 4yo son always comes to my room (sometimes in the middle of the night) to lend me one of his stuffies 🥹 he is the only person in this world who truly loves me

let’s start calling sweatpants, pajama pants, and any other non-constricting soft pants “boneless pants”

if a chicken has boneless wings, I will not be eating that chicken. it is clearly sick.

some bitch showed up to my friend’s baby shower pregnant, like does it always have to be about you Jessica???

Without downloading any new pictures, post your portrait

Wake up. I wanna talk the powerful social commentary that is “Gremlins 2” with you again.

I’m employed. Could somebody please explain the latest Bluesky drama?

ME: sorry, I’m ticklish NAIL TECH WITH A BLOODY RAG TO HER NOSE:

Not me. I hope the email didn’t find you at all. In fact, I hope you’re living your best life.

Kids these days will never know the chokehold that sunflowers had on us in the 90s

World Leader Pretend - REM

Hey, everybody! There's a clearance sale at the market place of ideas!

Costuming got confused and dressed all the crisis actors in tights and codpieces.

I see Paris I see France I have got the Rapture right here for you (it's in my pants)

Feeling mighty deciduous today