I’m not gonna call him a liar. He’s just reckless with the truth

Today's tshirt

Happy Monday ilu ❤️ I'm in the mood to move this morning 🎶😍 @fulkery.bsky.social @shellhound.com @farcewtf.bsky.social @therealdcf.bsky.social @muyrando.bsky.social youtu.be/7wNEXWnXAd0?...

Honestly the Superbowl was so bad that I’m just in bed before 9 PM. I don’t care about the concert or the commercials or the actual game. Green Day is the only highlight and the NFL and all advertisers are worth nothing.

Fuck this, going back to YouTube videos, the commercials are so bad that I don’t even care about Bad Bunny or who wins the superbowl.

I can’t believe I watched this Superbowl horseshit, NFL you’re fucked.

For the love of all that is decent and sensible please stop using any form of AI.

Not sure which is worse as we hit 2 minutes left in first half, the New England Patriots or Superbowl commercials.

Bad Bunny, please save this absolute shit show

The Uber Eats commercial was an offense against human evolution.

The Rocket Mortgage commercial people should be punched in the face repeatedly just for stressing me out

Suckiest superbowl commercials so far by a long shot.

Codex OpenAI commercial sucked so bad that they should just be shot on sight.

That Toyota commercial was dumb as shit. Rare fail, Toyota, shitty ass Draft Kings commercial was better.

Gonna have to run the ball better than that, dang

Whoa shit Joe Montana

American Idiot opening> America the Beautiful > Lamest ass National Anthem ever

There it is

American Idiot opening the Super Bowl is top tier fantastic.

it's ok to sojourn here alone and palely loitering though the sedge is withered from the lake and no birds sing, they can't stop you

Oh cool a really rare rock formation with unique properties, let’s mine it for sports.

You gotta FIGHT for your RIGHT to... *checks notes*… PARTY?! What about my right to fully retreat from society and be left the hell alone?

If you look at time as just the lowest “action” axis for anything susceptible to having mass and think about free-fall as having no sensation of mass for the subject in the frame, then add in things susceptible to mass being unable to occupy the same coordinates, them… oops nevermind gotta poop.

WIFE: You're very quiet. What are you thinking? ME: It's funny how arrivederci has the word arrive in it when it actually means that you're leaving. HER: Sometimes it's ok to say 'nothing'

Why are they called dating website usernames and not ‘love handles’

My mom's sister is a lot older than her so I called her an 'auntique' and lets just say I won't be invited to any more family birthdays.

Me: Sometimes I'll call my calf muscles my mooscles lol Personal trainer: *crying* I will literally pay you to find somebody else to do this

It's pretty apt that there's a single r in 'loner'.

Got fired from my job as a vet because I told a lady I was ‘hoptimistic’ about her rabbit walking again lol and also because I’m not a qualified vet.

ZOOKEEPER: So our last snake is our yellow Burmese python ME: *way too loud* A bananaconda ZOOKEEPER: *pulling out his tazer* look away kids

Called two gym bros 'swolemates' today so I'm posting this from inside a locker.

ME: Why did they call it a clip-on ponytail and not a phoneytail lol WIFE: Omg why would anyone want that? ME: *tucking my phoneytail down the back of my shirt* no idea Sharon

'Play on playa' - The inventor of beach volleyball

Wondering how closely they're listening? Television *in my bedroom* has fed to me this morning, a commercial wherin they keep saying "just the tip".

Sometimes, forgetting where I am, I post a Mastodon thought on Bluesky even though I know most of you don't own a dictionary.

(scrolling) (looking around) (BECOMING INCREASINGLY CONCERNED THAT THERE WERE TWO NEW QUESTIONS ADDED TO MY PHYSICAL THERAPY ASSESSMENT LAST WEEK ABOUT BEING ABLE TO RUN FAST/RUN FAST IN A ZIGZAG PATTERN)

ok but like, i also wanna watch the version of this without vampires where it's just two brothers struggling to be honest and openhearted in their relationships as they try to make their juke joint successful night after night in the face of competition from the new riverdance bar across town

you don't realize how many people around you are functionally illiterate until you hear someone say copilot improved their email

the trick to making good pancakes is to get the batter to a pancake batter-like consistency

i have never in my life aspired to an honorific higher than “this mf’er”

one thing i always look for in a currency is the capacity to lose 15% of its value in response to nothing in particular

welcome to frances' our special today is a hot steaming bowl of codswallop, coffees all around to start?

got banned from linked in for my post: what i learned about b2b enterprise sales from fucking your mom

ever since i was a little boy growing up in the shadow of the catskills i always knew i wanted to watch people fight about communism and liberalism on a computer

hanging out in the netflix lobby sending precious things to anyone with their airdrop open until we get a genz tori amos renaissance

there's a man at costco who does not understand the cheese pricing and by gum he's gonna figure it out

Would you think less of me if you knew I paid a woman to scream obscenities at me in French whilst hurling cans of Dinty Moore beef stew at my head?

I’m illiterate in every single language.

*seductively recedes into the nothingness

A guy at work was telling us all a story about his hot water heater. I chimed in that it’s actually called a water heater and that hot water wouldn’t need to be heated. No one ever sits with me at lunch.