the moon is the one rock I cannot collect, so instead I’m looking respectfully

That thing you are saying because everybody is saying it; you think it is cool and will always be part of the lexicon. Chinny reckon man, chinny reck-on.

stop making up words, otolaryngologists

Night night sweet dreamies Take a few minutes each day to look around you. Be proud of the life you've built and the future you're still building

Do not settle for these Victor Frankensteins. You deserve The Monster and you know it, queen.

At the end of the day, don’t we all just want a bookshelf with a rolling ladder?

1940s postcard time

If for some odd reason I am forced to answer a phone call, I answer with "How did you get this number?"

Why am I tired? Because I woke up today

Dude, they stop a war with their sexiness. Get ready for hotness Happy Thursday ilu ♥️ @shellhound.com @fulkery.bsky.social youtu.be/tdH1GwyZJuY?...

Average Bluesky poster:

The 7 signs of ageing seem to have doubled.

I'm at my most North American when I make tater tot casserole for dinner

FedEx guy just pulled up pulled some big boxes off his truck and then put them back in and drove off so now I know how my dog feels when I come back in because I forgot my keys

I thought that I wanted a job, but it turns out that I just wanted money

On p23 of the new Bluesky ToS, it says all users are obliged to panic-post at least three (3) times a day.

Woke up 2 hours before my alarm and couldn't get back to sleep so I get it serial killers

My lingerie is just a couple of personal pepperoni pizzas and a breadstick thong

me, the moment he leaves for work

Sneaking a big gulp cup of alfredo sauce into the movie theater.

Anyone who says “Like taking candy from a baby” should be put on a list of people who take candy from babies.

Kinda nervous about household smart devices. What if the bathroom scale tells the fridge to lock me out?

Sometimes, I get sad that I didn't have a privileged childhood of living in an isolated English manor full of vengeful spirits.

[sinking in quicksand] me: oh no wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help me: ok [mambo no. 5 starts to play] me: OH NO

My bedroom window isn't all that far away from a sidewalk, so there's the potential for passersby to hear all sorts of embarrassing things. (Me telling the cat how handsome he is, rotating through three or four languages.)

You do not need AI to "punch up" your email. Just send it and move on with your life, Dostoevsky.

1940s postcard time

Gif that pops up when I type my name

gif that pops up when i type my name

You can open all the doors but sometimes a ghost just won't leave.

cause I’ve got one hand in my pocket, and the other one is writing bangers

I am only sure of like 11 things and 10 of them are "how many fingers I have".

I can be easily lured into a plain windowless van with fresh garlic bread

Gif that pops up when I type my name

1940s postcard time

A WARRIOR FEARS NOTHING, NOT EVEN ASKING FOR HELP.

Good morning my lovelies 🌞

Morning.

making the Chris Isaak Wicked Game noise when i sit on my balls wrong

I go around pinching people in case they think they might be dreaming. It's a public service.

Get a partner you can be yourself with. Someone who accepts you for who you are, no matter what. Someone who loves all of the little qualities that make you different & doesn’t mind that you are raising an army of zombie lawn gnomes for the sole purpose of attacking your neighbors azalea bushes.

12 years ago, something from 19 years ago was only from 7 years ago

I will not explain further but I believe we can solve an incredible number of problems by abolishing the despicable "Front facing camera"

Eating clam chowder out of the can with my hand like Winnie the Pooh

Omg insomnia sucks

Cocaine so white it says “ope, lemme just squeeeeeze right past ya there and grab the ranch.”

Dude Nellie on little house was a bitch