Every time I hear someone say "take a look" I respond "it's in a book."

a website of surveys for angry apple™️ product users called iRate somebody write that down

The color of the sky in Seattle is cadet grey #929fb2

Overheard a woman telling another woman "It's $150 and she supplies all the booze" and whatever "it" is, I'm in.

my bad man it’s my first time on earth

I think so many things have gone wrong in my life bc I didn't send that chain letter email to 10 friends back in 1998

whose idea was it for real life to be so real life-y

I feel your pain no that's mine.

Big day for me. A box I've been saving for over 3 years was just perfect for something

jam band fan account until further notice

Why haven’t any of Spider-Man’s enemies tried to trap him in a big sink?

If someday we all go to prison for downloading music illegally, I hope they split us up by music genres.

I didn’t get to watch Tiger King on Netflix; I’m going to hold off until Tiger King the musical comes out.

Starter Pack Saturday is this anything? Y'all know the drill great accounts to follow (if you don't wanna be on here let me know. )💜💜💜 go.bsky.app/MtAd9PJ

ah another day at the piece of shit factory

It's weird how nobody ever talks about the fact that we all hear incredibly loud discordant high-tempo circus music in our heads at all times

Tonight I am going in for a Fancy Dress and I am going as a squid.

I’m an adult. With adult money. It just occurred to me I could buy a high quality power rangers costume

Me: I'm not feeling well My colleague: did you pass away? I think my grandma had that

"I'm still punk rock!" I wheeze as I try to catch my breath after taking a fuckin' shower.

Let people enjoy things that make them happy instead of trying to ruin it for them maybe

Welcome to your 40s. Where you think things like "ooh, that's a nice container".

Today’s horoscope: idiot.

Autobots, transform and roll out

One of my favorite couple activities is to look mournfully at my girlfriend whenever I’m hot/tired/feeling unwell and let her know that I’m dying

The spelling of minuscule is why I have trust issues.

Just so everyone knows, I've had my phone on silent since 2011 and also I don't respond to emails or answer my front door. The only way to reliably get in touch with me is to contact my agent.* *I do not have an agent.

Chaka Khan’s 𝘐 𝘍𝘦𝘦𝘭 𝘍𝘰𝘳 𝘠𝘰𝘶 is my favorite song about trying to find someone in a dark room.

Accidentally touched the "magic eraser" and it sent my oranges into an even darker timeline.

*gets laid off from self-checkout

a sleeper cell sounds so tranquil, let me take a little nap right here

We need a Care Bear that radiates common sense out of its belly

‘we are so back’ says woman who was never even there

Interviewer: Your resume lists one of your skills as “planning evil events.” That’s a typo, right? Don’t you mean “live events”? Me: [slowly rubbing my hands together] If you prefer.

“I hear that website sucks ass”

tornadoes are the freed souls of vengeful roombas

Every pleasure can be a guilty pleasure if your anxiety is high enough

i am once again here to repost my october schedule lol now with the addition of not one, but TWO showings of the rocky horror picture show plus jay street tomorrow! #furutadrop #artist #octoberschedule #spookyseason #kawaiiart

Happy Saturday ilu ❤️ Let's get going 🎶😍😍 youtu.be/vWaljXUiCaE?...

Self-awareness and other acts of horror.

i just want someone to look at me like i look at bubble wrap

THEM: you don’t know what you got ‘til it’s gone ME: uh, you would if you itemized everything you had on a list

How much extra is it to add a blow dart ambush to my DoorDash order at work?

I go to cemeteries to take pics and walk around. Sometimes you can find stuff like this

I'll tell you Sharon, if this Count Dracula fellow who bought the abandoned abbey next door doesn't cut that grass soon I have half a mind to call the HOA.

Americo Jizza United States, Census, 1940

I have all these great winter clothes and it's going to be 80 degrees today. The weather is ruining my maximum cuteness

The girls are sleeping but still say happy caturday 😻

Whoever came up with cockamamie should be in charge of making up all the words