I went to the no-tipping restaurant and all the waitstaff were cows

It cost $0 to repost my mspaint art 🎨

Jim Morrison: hello. I love you. Let me jump in your game DM: For the last time NO

*brings a honey baked ham, to a knife fight

these are the horrors of our lives

Imagine sleeping with me. Wrong! I sleep with all my stuffed animals. There's no room for you. You're sleeping on the floor

Be helpful if you can. Be prickly when you have to. Be someone's light in the darkness. Be the reason a forest is considered haunted. But most of all, be kind and stay weird.

don't worry, it looks like things will get worse before they become even more worse

The murdered woman's glove compartment is filled with stuffed animals.

Working on cards for my next art project 🎨😍

Nice lax, Mira!

resolving to remember the Alamo because I do be forgetting sometimes

If you live long enough each date becomes significant and you become tired and strangely quiet

The best time to save your game is immediately after saving your game, just to be sure.

Thanks InspiroBot

DDDDD

Today's tshirt

Good morning my lovelies 🌞

Mayor McCheese enjoys a day at the park until thousands of pigeons start eating his head

Calgon never took me away

Help I'm a me on trampoline

I got tired of pulling my card out of my bra every time I bought something. Now I just tap my boob against the scanner

Does the tooth fairy give money for adult teeth that aren't your own? I just found a ton in this waffle house parking lot

thinking about microdosing every day and never shutting up about it

So blocked

please pay careful attention to what I’m not saying

When someone refers to a group of things as “odds and ends,” I always wonder what we’d call it if all but one thing in that group of things was removed from the group entirely. Is the single thing that is left over, an odd or an end? This thought will haunt me until the day I die.

the fifth horseman of the apocalypse: stupidity

i know genx invented body shots because you get to drink out of the hoes

Roses are red, Rugs on the floor,

making my computer so difficult to navigate so that if I die no one knows how to use it

I like to watch horror flicks with my cats so they know how safe and lucky they are to live with me

i regret to inform you (because i don’t want to talk to you) that i don't want to talk to you

Friend: you couldn't fight your way out of a paper bag Me: what the hell am I doing in a paper bag?

internet: people should really have hobbies it's good for mental health me: okay internet: hobbies help disconnect us from all this negativity and give us a sense of accomplishment me: okay internet: (pointing a gun in my face) you love having a hobby

Building time into my schedule for lollygagging

Just deleted my hilarious reply and died a little inside.

God why does laptop hibernate/sleep/shutdown behavior have to be so fucking obscure.

I asked Alexa where my stuff was. She announced to the world that I ordered extra strength deodorant but said she wouldn't mention the 2 other items for "privacy reasons". The 2 other items are photo paper. Shhh don't tell anyone about my super private photo paper

if you wanna see some chaos while sewing, i may hem . folks,,

Lemme just put my cash away and I'll be ready

Today's tshirt

I caught the sunset for you ilu ❤️

Hello gummy

Me: After spending 50 bucks at the coffee place, I got a free small coffee! Him: but that's not really "free" is it? Technically it cost you 50 bucks Me: Shut up I said THIS IS FREE COFFEE

narcissistic lobsters are shellfish . folks,,,

quote posting my new year’s resolution everyday as a reminder

whenever someone says it’s a catastrophe I mentally correct it to “cat ass trophy”

The jerk store called but I don’t know what they wanted because they didn’t leave a message