Somewhere out there is a person named William Nilly.

Is it "for fuck's sake" or "for fuck sake?" I need to get this marriage proposal just right.

How were Vecna's last words not "and I would've gotten away with it too if it weren't for you meddling kids!"

Sexy singles IN YOUR AREA want YOU to leave them alone!

Pronouncing "Bluesky" like "Brewski."

A classical musician named Phil Harmonic

I put on my pants the same way as everybody else. Being ordered to by a policeman.

Everyone you know was once a stranger. Then things got ruined.

I kissed a girl and I liked it. She emphatically did not.

A good stage name for a rock n roll musician would be Adam Baum.

The most fearsome predator in the sea is karate shark, the shark who knows karate.

Gaining our independence from England was the worst mistake we ever made. We could have had health care, gun control and cool accents.

No Kings Just Queens

Well, I'm no mathematician but something doesn't add up here.

A vampire who wears women's clothing Dragula.

"Hmm, this burgers pretty good but it needs more bread." --guy who invented the Big Mac

*at a wine tasting * I'm getting notes of grape with grapey undertones and hints of. . . grape?

Ah. My delivery of skeets has arrived!

I'm so white I celebrate Cinco de Mayonnaise

A skeleton that plays baseball Barry Bones

A 1930s themed French restaurant: The Crepes of Wrath

"I'm still New Wave," I say to myself as I slip on my polo shirt and lace up my Hokas.

First time attending services in a synagogue and I gotta say Shofar so good!

Okay. But it's kind of your only job

It's important to agree with people. That way they'll stop talking.

They say that nothing rhymes with "orange," but what about blorange?

I can't talk about basketball, I signed an NBA NDA.

I'm kind of ambivalent about the environment. I'm a tree shrugger.

The word "bell" has a nice ring to it.

I washed ashore but it just got dirty again.

I think I would enjoy dogs more if they had buttocks.

If you love this hotel so much why don't you Marriott?

They should have a meal that combines breakfast and lunch. They could call it "Lunkfast."

She's a 10 but she smells like weed and she doesn't smoke weed.

For sale Baby shoes Never worn Baby has huge feet. Way too big for baby shoes. Shockingly large if I'm being honest.

So. . . Is there a Mister Andry?

"A Complete Unknosferatu" Is that anything?

The older that I get The more convinced I am That babies are the only people That are worth a damn.

Before phones, what did people stare at all day? Just butts?

Oh, so now you're NOT supposed to ask parents of twins if they've decided which one to keep yet?

RFK Jr is exploring new medical ideas like some kind of Marco Polio.

Sorry I sang "Soylent Green" instead of "Silent Night" but I hardly think I "ruined church."

Nothing is more boring than tedium.

Last Christmas I gave you my heart And the very next day, you served it with some Fava beans and a nice chianti.

Crazy that there was a time when you could look at an adorable newborn baby girl and say "I should name her Gertrude!"

Well that explains a lot.

I'm pretty sure I'm glad I have no idea who the Hawk Tuah girl is.

Why do they call it "football" when players rarely use their feet? They should call it "the concussion factory."

Tip to seem sophisticated: Instead of asking "did you see the game last night?" Try "say, our boys certainly gave them what-for last night, eh?"

My goal in life is to someday be referred to as a "prominent citizen."