I'm tired of people explaining to me that what the president said isn't what he meant. Make HIM do it himself. 12-14 hours a day of him babbling inchoherently.

Babe, i think you should cut your bangs weird

The “nightmare scenario” for this year’s fall elections: I go to vote but forgot to study for the election, then I get a boner in front of the class and accidentally call the teacher “mom” and then all my teeth fall out

Today's tshirt

Bruh... youtu.be/DonLQhhMxLQ?...

I don't understand the point of the drafts folder. These idiotic thoughts are so good I should polish them? LMAO, no. No, no...no.

Post a banger that isn't in English. youtu.be/NI4Z9BeHQ8I?...

Have you toaded your wet sprocket recently? youtu.be/AVYYpNaSs2Y?...

Thinking about Eddie Money more than is reasonable for someone with two tickets to paradise. youtu.be/5FtHhUDo-08?...

At 90,000 PSI water looks like a dang old laser when it's blasting through titanium.

Seeing a guy weakly and pathetically crying in his car, going home, getting my own car and pulling up next to him to show him how a real man cries in his car. Gotta use your whole body. Gotta throw your shoulders and let those sobs ring out, brother. You'll get it, just need practice

Breaking: Tragedy at the Winter Olympics

I rarely do this, but I’m hoping I maybe have enough of a following here that someone can help: I need to get in contact with Donkey Kong. It’s urgent

How much TV time is appropriate for a cat? Trying to settle a bet with my cat.

it finally happened to me (dog tricked me off to couch to steal my spot)

UPDATE: i am still highly allergic to falling off of cliffs. please do not serve me any food that's been prepared by someone falling off of a cliff. thank you

Just please don't let Grimace show up in the Epstein files

*looking at the Mona Lisa* there is no way a turtle painted this

Using a Phillips head to dislodge a 1997 Camry from my printer: "Fucken A."

...yes.

If you have to Google answers to your questions, you ain't ready for me. Call me back when you're googling, "What questions should I ask?"

Imagine eating a sub sandwich without even thinking of 9 bit marmots. You can't. You'd never survive in 2000...-anything.

For someone who spends their days working on advanced material research for aerospace applications, I sure know a lot about 19th-century maritime law.

Why do Voyager's nacelles fold at warp speed? Like, I get in principle it gives you a smaller profile, so you can streamline your warp bubble for efficiency, but what the benefit of them being extended at impulse speeds?

Look at this idiot.

Getting fucked up outside the apothecary

Newly Unsealed Batch Of Epstein Estate Photos Contains Rare Holographic Dershowitz

Man, I'm surprised they included that scene in the Melania documentary where she threw up in her purse at a hot dog eating contest. It really is a warts and all accounting of her life.

The best thing about nobody buying tickets to Melania is you can just make up stuff that happens in the movie and people will believe you. My favorite part is when she throws up in her purse after the hot dog eating contest

Man, I hate to lose employees, especially after only 4 months. They're just starting to catch on, and all that training is wasted, and I'm back to square one. I'm glad she got a new gig in the field she wants to work in, but it's an inconvenience for me, personally, and that's what really matters.

I'm never more popular than when I'm driving. That's when people want to text me.

What day is it? youtu.be/9WaYCdQ8FOQ?...

I like my women like I like my fruit. Boneless.

It's Britney, birch. youtu.be/ZAyeVjnJg9E?...

I don't know how they found me... youtu.be/hXzPxBhhmY8?...

Open your eyes youtu.be/mkeOoWquAqk?...

Crack open a tallboy, friends. youtu.be/2SenLjPbGzU?...

Hug a grandma today. youtu.be/StYkb5kbM3o?...

Have a Friday, friends. Find what Justice you can in this sick sad world. youtu.be/x-R19oA1m8w?...

I ain't got the blues no more. youtu.be/dfrcZsKcVxU?...

Who up cranking that Soulja Boy?

I am so tired of physical therapy. I'm not sure walking is worth it.

I, too, have filed a $10 billion dollar lawsuit against the IRS because, cmon man, just give me taxpayer money.

I didn't commit any crimes today. How's ICE doing...oh...oh, I see.

I don't know why they need to make short AI films about the American Revolution when the perfect one was created 18 years ago www.youtube.com/watch?v=sbRo...

I will not answer a call from Google. Not today, not ever.

[aquarium] ME: ooh look at the chorse WIFE: it’s seahorse ME: i know how to spell chorse linda

Happy Thursday, nerds. youtu.be/kQxl8ljD560?...

Hey you. You should listen to this and dance your ass off. I put this CD on yt. Please forgive the editing. 🎶😍😍 @fulkery.bsky.social @shellhound.com @muyrando.bsky.social @lazer-cat.bsky.social @therealdcf.bsky.social @lunchjournals.bsky.social youtu.be/_tX81LvTJ58?...

​I flashed a guy in the park. Before he could scream, I opened that trench coat to reveal another trench coat. ​He looked confused. I opened that one. Another trench coat. ​I kept going. The pile on the ground is six feet high. I am not a woman. I am a textile-based infinite loop