Shine on, hookers. youtube.com/watch?v=998T...

Indulge yourself for 19 minutes, friends. youtu.be/BYkaL8HOESg?...

I'm always surprised to open a can of evaporated milk and find anything there.

Messed up knee, bulging disc, trauma arthritis, whiplash...I was doing 30 MPH. This is too much.

"If we ruin the earth, there is no place else to go” ― Carl Sagan

The neck...it's pulsating.

Can't you see, nerds? youtu.be/vcQLnn_U3hw?...

The cell service inside this MRI sucks.

I fought the law, and the law has considerably more resources than I do.

OK, I've had enough of the cracking and popping. It's time to amputate my neck.

When woody woodpecker laughs kings and paupers alike stop what they’re doing and listen

Calling in to work over encumbered

ME: if you see a bear you’re supposed to play dead WIFE: you saw it at a zoo 6 years ago

While not a medical doctor, Dr Pepper does hold a PhD in neoclassical literary theory and thus deserves our respect

Nobody came to my corduroy themed fetish party.

I found a flowchart which helps you navigate the IT landscape

If I had a time machine me and Duke Ellington would ride our bikes to the Cape Cod Canal and we’d fish for stripers at sunset. “We’re canal rats!” I’d joke, but he’d already be composing music based on the sound of cars and trucks going over the Sagamore Bridge.

FRIEND: how was your Thanksgiving MY WIFE: not good FRIEND: what happened? MY WIFE: *points at me* he tried to carve the turkey with a sword ME: IT’S CALLED A KATANA

Look, I'm not a journalist or anything, but when you can't correctly identify the gender of the person you're writing about, you probably should let that article go.

I wish there was a Spangles on campus. I could really go for a sourdough steak egg & cheese right now.

My corolla died but that doesn't mean I can't buy a real car.

My car is dead. I need a new car. Am I wrong?

My knee is killing me, thank you.

It is 1000 degrees, and I am dying. Carry on.

I would trade you my entire neck for two pudding cups. Sealed.

Staying up late, working on my list of the 10 greatest canals in Panama.

Insurance is a scam. We removed my totaled car from our policy and the premiums go up $40...to insure less cars. Make it make sense.

1940s postcard time

The Jizz Lord would like a word with you.

here's a roll of paper towels going for the gold in the pole vault

It's not my fault your nana's bad at karate

Not even hamburger could help me now

1940s postcard time

Just became a legend at the car wash. Showed the guys working there that you can pretend the pressure washing gun is your wiener. They called their boss in and he took a video.

Happy Sunday from your cat. youtu.be/Y5Dp27_5sZ0?...

1940s postcard time (I love this one!!)

There aren't a lot of cars for $5k, and hooboy, are they stinkers.

My poor little car. She wasn't fancy, but was reliable and a good friend to me. RIP

Can't you see? youtu.be/vcQLnn_U3hw?...

Head into the flood again... youtu.be/Nco_kh8xJDs?...

Bring the funk. youtu.be/wBeKylLUFpo?...

Is it music, or is it new voodoo? youtu.be/R7-v1slmarM?...

Bring out the good vibes, nerds youtu.be/t5Os5CpNsqM?...

Light a cigar, club a seal, and enjoy. youtu.be/UrgpZ0fUixs?...

Oops, all 1994. youtu.be/6upMO-j4Q04?...

Dip your toes in the river, friends. youtu.be/Fm72DPJCX58?...

I know where my towel is. youtu.be/hIoPlLEXM2Y?...

Just one more, Joe. youtu.be/OWtV8wrlrHo?...

Play them puppet strings, nerds. youtu.be/F5V6W8oU9Hs?...

Turn on, tune in, drop out with me. youtu.be/5woFxnekqo8?...