Gonna start using the boss's computer for job searches, just to wreck his peabrain.

If I'm working 60 hours a week at 50-80% market rate, is that even worth the hassle? Like, I dig the job, but if you're going to make me jump through hoops all day for my government job, at a certain point doesn't it make sense to tell them to fuck off and double your income?

Your Bible message didn't land. It's not because the message isn't good. You just failed at delivering it.

TFW you see the President of the United States of America posting.

I've done the math and it works. You can't spend 40-50 years making Nazis (rightly) the bad guys, and them expect the public to love them. If you want to be a nazi, be a nazi. If you want to be liked, take a shot at literally anything else. You'll have better luck.

Doing the Lord's work by firing up Pluto TV and watching yet another irreplaceable episode of Mama's Family. For the lord.

BREAKING NEWS: The President had soiled his diaper again, thus, somehow, owning the libs with his uncontrollable bowel movements.

Antifa needs an anthem. May I humbly suggest... youtu.be/dUWy21bPGh4?...

If Indiana Jones wasn't scared to punch a Nazi, should you be? You're tougher than a college professor.

Ya'll see that dude storm a college class and get run out with his tail between his legs like a little bitch? He's all, "I thought you were the party of acceptance!" Classic case of a dude getting high on his own supply.

Just once, I would like a reporter to spring a gotcha question on the president and ask him what the date is, and as a follow-up ask who the president is. There is a fair chance he bombs both legs.

I would pay upwards of $8 to have that asshole answer a question about The Magic Schoolbus without sounding completely insane. I don't need nuance. I just need him to recognize THE ACTUAL WORLD. There is roughly a 4% chance he could do it.

I just want a president who can tell reality from an episode of The Magic Schoolbus.

I understand that interacting with posts will make the algorithms feed you more content similar to what you're interacting with. The problem is when blocking the users, filtering the keywords, and telling the app you're not interested in that shit counts as interacting.

I made a friend this morning.

1st guy: dude do i smell like weed? 2nd guy: nah you're good dude, do i smell like weed? 1st guy: nah dude - 2 dudes that smell like weed

I swear to god, if they give him a Nobel, I will go on strike and stop discovering Higgs Boson Particles.

Archeologist: we've decoded the Rosetta Stone! Now we can read Egyptian hieroglyphics! Reporter: amazing! [pointing to image of a bird] what does this one mean? Archeologist: that means "bird" Reporter: ok... [pointing to image of a cat] and this one? Archeologist: you're not gonna believe this,

"The only reason to dislike me is because you're mentally ill" is a hell of a position to take. Lots of people don't like me (possibly), but I've never tried to get Lazer Cat Derangement Syndrome included in the DSM.

So they definitely haven't done it, right?

Well things are off to a fine start this Monday morning

We need a Care Bear that radiates common sense out of its belly

me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping? flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit me: oh thank god

"no rapping tonight" why? "you rap about patrick swayze everytime, it's embarrassing" ok [after one beer] uh oh y'all it's gettin kinda hazy

I don't get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* "your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps"

I just broke a tooth on a pear slice. How are things going for you?

I went to the no-tipping restaurant and all the waitstaff were cows

Dream on, hookers. youtu.be/2-KKdxEdk3Y?...

Get on the trolley. youtu.be/9JOyTf1q6gE?...

Presented without comment. youtu.be/MohJLPgutKQ?...

Hookers youtu.be/MohJLPgutKQ?...

I'm no nerd, but find me in the living room watching Star Trek while playing Star Trek Online.

Goofing off in high school?

Treat yourself.

You want me to be at work by 10:30? Brother, we don't even orbit the sun in a circle.

I looked into infinity and this is what I saw.

There is no God. There is only Mama's Family.

You're not sitting in a recliner. You're spinning about a ball rotating/ at roughly 1,000 miles per hour. That spinning rock is orbiting a ball of fire moving 518,00 miles per hour though Infinity. That Infinity is roughly 90,000 light-years across. And it's getting bigger.

One thing about constant, never-ending spasms in your knee is that it's awful and you should avoid it.

That feeling when you're a REAL American family with REAL issues

Good mornin' youtu.be/nupmA427ASQ?...

Check in, old timers. youtu.be/2tEsUnD8gQM?...

Yes we can youtu.be/IzZkjjENj_w?...

Get on the trolley, nerds. youtu.be/yYNK7-vm71w?...

Have a horny day on the courts, you filthy animals youtu.be/iZAqaykiS70?...

Open your eyes, nerds. youtu.be/mkeOoWquAqk?...

The real ones know.

Today's tshirt

I, too, would like to have my tax dollars going into making computers lie to me and spread right-wing propaganda.