Things aren’t going to great. Please share yours so I can feel less stupid.

The amount of beefaroni I ate for breakfast is proof that my stomach is a TARDIS.

This message is for Eileen Gu only. No one else read this it is private: I would like to buy you French Fries and Pizza.

2026 basically

I have reached the level of being sick where I have to wear a mask around the house and my mother texts me: “Do NOT mix hot and cold drinks and take the omega and zinc I got you!” every hour.

There are men 15 years my junior sending me obvious AI videos thinking they’re real. I can’t wait to be gone.

This is what you’re up against btw

How come a sitting president can sue an individual, but an individual cannot sue a sitting president?

Ossoff: "Among today's false prophets are the election deniers who indulge this president's obsession with overturning the 2020 election. Hear me when I say this -- they tell a lie so absurd, and therefore so debasing, that the act of telling it proves the teller's total and humiliating submission."

My 10yo nephew was talking to his friend. The friend said "Stupid Groundhog said we have 4 more weeks of winter." My nephew answers with "No that's just a stupid myth created by Pakistanis" because he confused it with Punxsutawney.

Got some blood test results back and am seeing my doctor to review them soon but as an experiment I threw the numbers and my details into CoPilot. Every suggested remedy was "Lose 10-30 lbs" which I read as start a mild cocaine habit.

Someone hacked into Chicago’s DOT traffic sign who knew the assignment :::

Paul Giamatti in Starfleet Academy is the villain I didn’t know we needed.

Imagine being in jail for possession of cocaine and seeing this shit

I’m running for president. My first order of business will be to start arresting everyone in The Files. Sort it out in courts. Then I’m dropping thermite on the IDF. Then taxing the fuck out of the rich. Then healthcare for everyone. We’ll figure out the rest as we go.

If you say "my skin is so dry" people might recommend a lotion but if you say "my skin is so wet" no one will help you

Should I run for president?

memory foam is satanic. furniture should not have the power to reminisce

This villain helped civilians exit battle zones safely. He’s less evil than Israel.

Let’s play a game. If you don’t know the answer already, guess whose name is redacted?

“detention by ICE has been below what investors thought it going to be” What kind of fucked up country

You can't... repeal... a scientific finding. At that point it's just called lying about it.

Does Texas have as many flamethrowers as they do guns?

Someone very well known who I share name with is in there and even tho it’s not me I still feel sick.

“and then this motherfucker puts a FEATHER in his CAP, and you are not gonna believe what he called that shit. guess. just fuckin guess.”

One of my all time favs

Listen I'm pretty tech savvy but I have no shame in admitting I have no idea what the fuck a passkey is.

*Green card application in process and work permit, married to US citizen *Lived in US for 20 years, no criminal record *In detention for five months with no charge, despite judge approving release *He disputes ICE claim that he signed forms agreeing to deportation

It's not even midnight and we're already at "Deport Elmo."

📣 New Podcast! "Drumheads Podcast - Ronn Dunnett - Dunnett Drums - S02E09" on @Spreaker #drumbuilder #drumming #drums

NO WAY LOL

Going to turn my screen time tracking back on. I need to shame myself into getting off this goddamn thing.

kind of funny that an olympian said they are here to represent "compassion, respect, and love for others" and some people automatically knew that was a statement against them

GM: Charisma check. Mamdani: [rolls natural 20] GM: that’s a d6 how did you Mamdani: [direct to camera] Did you know you can check out board games at your local public library? 😊

TOTALLY forgot it *was* JJK Thursday

Migraine? No comrade it’s our grain.

I apparently told the wrong Zionist to walk into the sun on Twitter and got a 12 hour ban.

Domain Expansion: Epstein’s Island

Floored by this story. A man wrote a pollite email to a federal prosecutor objecting to the deportation of an Afghan seeking asylum. DHS responded with an administrative warrant to get the man's info from Google, then visited his home to intimidate him.

Just a periodic reminder that this was a real show that had 8 episodes

The fastest and most effective way to ruin your morning is to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with flourless bread for breakfast. I almost feel offended at myself.

US government rn

Thank God there were people filming. This administration would have said Alex Pretti pulled a handgun, a package of fentanyl, and a signed copy of the Communist Manifesto if they could.

As if things can't get any worse, Taco Bell hits me with some bullshit