How many days does it take to get skinny. Is it 7? Please tell me it is 7.

i usually overpromise and underdeliver but im learning instead to underpromise and completely ghost you

today is Seis de Estupido

FINALLY

trying to manifest this call into not happening

my hair is way too similar to curtis yarvin’s, fuck

Retirees who come to Florida don't use U-Hauls when they leave

what’s the worst that could happen

How it feels inside my head.

i might not always know what youre talking about but i promise ill look super enthusiastic while nodding

After looking in the mirror, I reluctantly admit that ingénue is no longer a career option.

Building time into my schedule for lollygagging

the fifth horseman of the apocalypse: stupidity

Pineapple and ham pizza is delicious.

The shitposting will continue until morale improves

a time traveler gave me shoes for christmas a paradox

You have to give Zohran Mamdani credit for delivering on his campaign promises.

The window is open. It's too cold for it to be open. But to shut it, I must leave warm bed. Go into the cold The cold from the window. The window that is open. But, warm bed.

Every driver's license photo ever

back in my day, awesome used to be totally

What's a death cab anyway

Sheets should have thumb holes to keep bed partners from stealing them overnight

just thinking about this, as one does 🤯

I'm ready to take on the world today! *several hours later, I'm doom scrolling through bluesky and reddit.*

No one makes me laugh like me.

ive got poster's madness. no, not the kind where i crash out or become a sex pest or whatever. just the kind where i post a lot

I got jokes (I don’t got jokes)

Apparently the dishes don’t do themselves while you sit your ass on the couch and post stupid shit on the internet.

Them: It smells like something's burning. Me: No worries. It's just all of my bridges.

First thing I'm gonna do if I win the lottery is lock myself in the bathroom. Second thing? You guessed it, locksmith.

i'd like to pet a cow some day

This may be my most controversial non-political opinion to date, but: double stuf Oreos have too much filling

Unable to remember if he was thinking of Neil Young or Neil Diamond, Gary decides to name the dog Coolio.

just found an 85% full weed pen cleaning out my nightstand 2026 is so fucking back

There's a really good chance that Clint Eastwood was born before everyone who's on Bluesky was born.

I’m gonna take a nap about it

I stay out of drama by being an idiot

Wife: I told you not to watch this show without me. It says three episodes have been watched. Me [thinking fast]: I’m having an affair. My girlfriend watched them, not me. Wife: You’d better not be lying.

to all the people taking this seriously, I agree animals should be sprayed and neutered ✨IT WAS A JOKE✨

ordered some cashews and now the delivery guy is driving me nuts

So in the actual Lord of the Rings books Frodo is fifty years old when all that shit goes down and it’s probably a good change for the movies because a weird middle aged British guy being suspicious that someone will steal his valuables hits different

this is the best website ive ever gone crazy on

2:35 in to the first Monday of the year and I am still a Model Employee™️ 💅

When my worst fears come true, they just get replaced by new worst fears. It's not that big of a deal.

It's the most Mondayest Monday of them all

10:15-11:30am is the January of the day