I’m not even gonna cut my grass this year. I’m just gonna wait for one of those guys from Tik Tok to stop by and let him do it.

Shows

Eight time Trump voter here. I’m appalled by his latest stunt and if he does it again like 13 more times I might actually consider maybe possibly giving the slightest pushback kind of, maybe.

As a Catholic, I was fine with Epstein, Iran, Venezuela, the felonies, grab em by the pussy, January 6th, ICE, and Kid Rock but Trump posting himself as Jesus has gone too far!

He got transported to Waffle House

My wife keeps calling it Kanye asada and I’m not gonna correct her.

Gas Prices

Tomorrow is 3/16. Don’t forget to leave out a six pack and a can of whoop ass for Stone Cold Steve Austin tonight.

Iran? You haven’t even finished Venezuela. How can you have any Iran if you don’t finish your Venezuela!

Green Day should shut up about politics and just stick to singing songs about politics.

Trump posted more than 60 times on Truth Social last night, but he handed his phone to an “unknown staffer” when the video depicting the Obamas as apes was posted? GTFOH

Leave Kid Rock alone, that’s somebody’s stepdad.

The people staying quiet about the Epstein files are about to be obnoxiously loud about how vulgar and satanic the halftime show was.

People that believed there was an underground pedophile ring in the basement of a pizza parlor when the Epstein files drop

Elon outing Trump for being in the Epstein files is like the pot calling the kettle a pedophile.

Can’t believe they released the Epstein files to cover up for the Melania movie.

If ICE visits your home

Indianapolis, my shows today are canceled. Hoping to reschedule. I’ll post the new date when I know.

The guy that said he was going to release the Epstein files, he’s in perfect health, and that people are eating cats and dogs is going to tell you it wasn’t murder.

In the same way whispering wasn’t invented for compliments, having a secret police isn’t for good, legal and moral activity.

Carrying a gun is not illegal and in fact, many would say it’s the most patriotic thing you can do. What is illegal is executing a man after you’ve taken his gun and he poses no immediate threat. It was murder plain and simple.

“Since you failed to give me the peace prize, of which I am so deserving, I am forced to show you how unpeaceful I can be.”

Who knew the tongue on the Don’t Tread on Me Snake was for boot licking?

Ford employees are held to a higher standard than the president.

Not-So-Slender Man

*honey company makes bottle bear shaped* Bees: WHAT THE HELL MAN

Jerry Lewis having an orgasm

Woke up in zip ties with feces smeared on the wall so I guess the J6ers stopped by last night. Treason’s greetings to you all!

Tomorrow is January 6th so don’t forget to leave out some ivermectin and a buffalo hat tonight.

I can’t believe Tim Walz dropped out because he was a 34 time felon and on the Epstein list.

Venezuela

I like to pause the ball drop at like 1 or 2 and restart it a few times. I call it edging the New Year.

Scrooge: You boy, what day is it? “Why, it’s the day Ben Folds drove his girlfriend to get an abortion, sir.” Scrooge: Ah, yes, day after Christmas.

Shoutout to @brentterhune.bsky.social for helping me win Christmas with an amazing Cameo for @sarahritchey.bsky.social

Just got visited by a spirit. Thankfully it won’t happen two more times tonight.

This Friday

I’m doing Cameos all week

I’m doing Cameos all week

He called ICE on a living nativity

He called ICE on a living nativity

I think the President has Trump Derangement Syndrome

As someone who lives in a country that’s had 391 mass shootings this year, let me just say, Australia is dangerous.

Tonight and tomorrow

“All animals deserve Lambo, but some deserve more Lambo” Animal Farm by George Orwell

When Indiana Republicans don’t do your bidding

Tonight on CBS and Paramount+.

This is how the Grinch was picking up shit

This Thursday after Colbert

Trump in the middle of a press conference

Winning the war on woke