I’d love to go to Norway, but I simply cannot affjord it…

Who called it beef chow mein and not moodles?

Me: we need to go to sleep Brain: let's reflect on the last 10 years of your life

So anyway, turns out plasma in menstrual blood can completely heal wounds in 24 hours. hudson.org.au/news/womb-to...

pfft this rapture could’ve been an email

Edging gets defeated by FOMO.

they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer

life after death? you mean this shit continues???

yeah I’m sex positive, positive I haven’t had sex in a while

It’s dopamine, not dopayours.

[spelling bee] Your word is 'bananas' Gwen Stefani: *whispering to herself* c'mon Gwen, you know this

pls stop teaching your parrot to call me names I’m beginning to develop a complex

as a parent you just wanna protect your kids from the things that traumatized you

ADHD makes me Spotify personified.

I put baby oil on my screen so I can skeet faster.

Sacha Baron Tombstone

I just heard a midget go "I wish I was half the man my father was" and all i could think was well shit, how tall was he?

reality, but it’s just a jump scare

romance? you mean like choke fucking??

*shakes phone* y’all up?

i’ll try reading between the lines but you’re gonna need to make them lines bigger

who up hating civilization

Do I Look Fat? - a murder mystery

i put the ‘me’ in Parmesan cheese

slob on my knob as friends?

Making her snort laugh is a love language.

If you arrange my skeets in the correct order, you’ll be able to solve my murder.

The new Las Vegas mafia are the event companies that are charging 825 motherfucking dollars to rent a screen projector straight out of the dark ages for a two hour meeting.

Watching Saturday morning horrors like the good Lord intended

I practice safe sex by only listening to the cranberries when I fuck to prevent UTIs

things labeled "foolproof" hate to see me coming

You can never leave Costco with just one of anything.

She’s in her shark era

I feel like we don’t use the word “bollocks” enough

An emotional support dildo.

I proposed on leap day to assert my dominance.

Ain’t no bitch like a southern hemisphere bitch.

I drank last night like I was trying exorcise my liver… MAY THE POWER OF WINE COMPEL ME.

Welcome to your 40s, a workday at your desk is considered grievous bodily harm.

Charlie Kirk is grifting from beyond the grave here on the southern tip of Africa. A Christian-cringe twat known as The Kiffness is sympathy-trolling about a R500k contract he had cancelled for being kind about Kirk. No one, absolutely no one, believes Kiff was offered a R500k contract for anything.

Fuck you if I enjoy certain things that you don’t like. It’s called Dopamine and not Dopayours.

Make Meemaw & Peepaw hate fascism again.

Can I laugh my belly off instead of my ass? My butt isn’t that bad.

Spread the news for the rapists in the back…!

It's a 17:00 shadow actually, my face is on military time

Can you handle a peanut butter sandwich with only peanut butter? I’m looking for tough people

me: *reading my horoscope* my horoscope: before we get into this, you may want to pour yourself a stiff drink

Alexa, set loose the dogs of war.