At my age, getting off to a good start could be just getting out of bed without groaning.

Sex is never a good idea when flying internationally because if you’re over a metric country they won’t let you in the Mile High Club.

Trump rants like some sort of ultra Karen. It must be exhausting living in America with that Tangerine Testical.

Idk who needs to hear this, but you’re not stupid, you’re just hungry.

Remember when I said it could get worse? Yeah, I undersold it

Sometimes life feels too shitty, then I check Bluesky and remember it’s universal

In French, “duck face” is called cul de poule, which literally means “chicken ass.” and I think it's romantic.

Think of a number between 1 and 19. It’s 11. If you got something else, you’re wrong.

I used to think Columbo was a genius. Turns out he just had access to the script

I’d like to officially announce that the scale and I are no longer on speaking terms. She knows what she did.

gonna just start replying with "you clearly haven't seen Ghostbusters" to random posts in the discover feed until I make friends

just found out kevin bacon doesn't have an acting degree. I always assumed that was one of the six. now i don't know what to think. WHO IS THIS GUY?!

please don't say my name three times into the mirror. I struggle enough responding to texts.

some of you are still using 🍆🍑 like 🎉📥 doesn't exist

hella nerd babies getting named artemis early next year

whenever im feeling homesick i try to listen to house music

my skeets come to me in a James Earl Jones voice

There is no McTry.

Stop. You had me at death pact.

She was rare just like Cinderella but with a size 10 shoe.

Me at 13 to my friends “It’s called an erection… and when it goes down, it’s called a derection.”

“If marriage benefited women, they would’ve taken it from us already…”

The president of the United States is a mentally deteriorating sociopathic terrorist.

May I suggest that Congress takes the two weeks TO GET THE FUCKER OUT OF THE WHITE HOUSE

decided not to read the room today bc I’m not into horror

Donald Trump is the worst thing that has happened to western civilization since World War II.

Can we stop talking about impeachment and start talking about imprisonment

Them: why are you writing all over the walls? me: read the room, asshole

This president is the only president to negotiate with himself, in public, and lose collossally. This would be comical if his antics were not lethal and harmful

Congress is completely useless at this point.

I just got a needle in the glute… if you’re looking for tight ass.

Went to the chiropractor. The needles hit different when you know they go STRAIGHT TO THE BONE!

remember those other branches of government

What if the United States had a Congress?

I write things down so I don’t forget. Too bad I always lose the paper.

i don't have a manifesto, I have a vagenda

The president of the United States is alluding to a massive nuclear strike on a country we’ve attacked without provocation to distract from the fact that he has raped children

I prefer presidents who don’t threaten to end civilizations.

The President of the United States should be removed from office.

just a reminder there is no such thing as ,,unconsensual sex'' there is consensual sex. everything else is ASSAULT. call it what it is.

The President of the United States is a madman.

The rest of the world should probably collectively stand up to the U.S. right now, tbh

If the world knows that the President of the United States is about to commit war crimes by bombing the infrastructure of another country, isn’t it imperative that he be prevented from doing so rather than simply watch it happen

So pro-life means jailing women who miscarry but shrugging when the deranged president says “a whole civilization will die tonight.” Do I have that right?

The President of the United States is threatening to commit war crimes and wipe out a "whole civilization" — all because he started a disastrous war of his own making and had no plan and no strategy for how to end it. This is abhorrent, and the American people do not support this.

I'm not sure how you can be against removing this man from office right now. What will it take? A nuke being dropped? It's too late then. The purpose of impeachment and the 25th Amendment is to prevent that type of thing from happening, not just to react to it.

Dog sitting the spatchcock corgi ♥️

Knots so good, I earned my shibari badge at Girl Scouts.

I feel like they could’ve come up with a better word for it than cuckold…

Honestly. I’m impressed that people that still fuck after 20 years together like they mate for life.