those rare magical moments where no one needs me right now

Excuse me waiter… there’s a man in my glass.

the way peacocks vocalise their chaotic madness while appearing glamorous and nonchalant is my new life goal

Ever been so hungover, your fingernails hurt? Thats me today. I fly to Germany tonight. God help me.

Perimenopause be like:

Eyesight so good, I'm optometrist prime.

The world is my oyster and I'm allergic to seafood.

People on X The Everything App really don’t care about BlueSky and they prove it by constantly posting about little they care BlueSky

why isn't water called earth juice

As a person who listens to true crime all day… I could kill you in at least 17 different ways. ~ Me on a first date.

Hahahaha, this is good! Nap-Oleon Bonespurs 😅🤣

My toxic trait is fuck you and your stupid questions.

I only use the King James version of the Denny’s menu

A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.

I’m one follower away from a complete set

The meeting could’ve been a rage fuck.

America is run by a total meat head, their lives are clearly at steak…

Me pulling a Hermione at brunch “It’s Mimosaaaaaa not MimoSAH”

But do you finish their NEXT sentence…?

I bought a self-help book called Stop Overthinking and I've read it four times, taken thirty pages of notes, and highlighted it in five colors and I think it's starting to work

Maybe it’s the doom that’s scrolling us.

'Continue without upgrading' - me, every day

I'm sure my met gala invitation just got lost in the mall

You ever wonder what people are telling their therapist about you?

Not now. Daddy is wasting his life on the internet.

Why don't they make the whole salad out of croutons?

I’m learning to appreciate the simpler things in life, like rotating an ice pack among every joint in my body.

Me and my bedazzled codpiece about to seize this day

I wasn’t going to drink today, but since I’m walking cortisol, I really don’t give a fuck.

You only need 3 ties. Wedding, funeral and job interview. That’s all the ties you ever really need.

Titanic is my favourite movie about a lady who disposes of some jewellery she doesn’t want anymore

Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking makes you cool

McDonald’s: Any sauces with that? Me: do you have béchamel?

What do I do for a living? Performative yawns mostly

A dog’s sense of smell is commonly estimated to be about 10,000 to 100,000 times more sensitive than a human’s. What I’m saying is that your dog can definitely smell your fart.

Two thirds of ten is so zoomer gen. After 6.6666666 it eventually goes 6-7

Wise the fuck up. Next customer. (Me as a therapist)

Obviously the best name for an Irish wolfhound is “Pubert”

they should invent spaghetti that i don’t eat too much of

You know what's more secure than a big new ballroom? Prison.

Being funny on Bluesky is like remembering why I walked into this room; I’m not good at that either.

WAITER: would you care for dessert JEFF: i’ll have the jello GEOFF: i’ll have the geollo JEFF: jesus christ not this again GEOFF: geosus christ

[crying after a rap battle] I can’t believe what that guy said about my sandals

Nobody talks about how satisfying it is to unsubscribe from an email you’ve been deleting for four years. This is what victory tastes like.

Wine cellar adventures on this long weekend 😍 let’s goooo bitches 🍷