Getting low key smashed in an airport lounge hits different.

Welcome to your 50s: You lose your phone, so you look for your phone… to call your phone.

-Paul: Come together -Me: -Paul: right now -Me: -Paul: over me -Me: *runs away*

All I want for Christmas is y̶o̶u̶ 4.706.553 €.

If a door closes, find a duck named Jean-Claude and run away with him.

In France, they say “bifler” for slapping a face with a dick. Anyway. How’s your day going?

Eating because I’m hungry, bored, stressed, happy, sad, not hungry, breathing.

Seriously though, all these people obsessed with sex, singing about it and living for it… haven’t they heard of food?

“It’s the thought that counts.” Cute. Try paying bills, carrying boxes, or proposing with thoughts, then move in a thought house.

* clutches anal beads *

A little bit of Cape Town goes a long way 🫶🏻

Cartoon by Chris Britt | Creators . 🤬"Blustering Bondi” . Pam Bondi showed up to the House Judiciary Committee prepared to do what this Justice Department apparently does best: fight everyone in sight and answer as little as humanly possible.

Tom Cruise joined Scientology when he found out that with enough spiritual growth, he could be considered 6'2"

Hire an accordionist to start playing at family gatherings when you want to signal the guests it’s time for them to leave.

This is one of those ‘if I wake up dead tomorrow it will still be a better day than today’ kind of days.

I tell my wife I'm the boss like every husband does. Quietly whispered to myself when I'm absolutely certain she's out of earshot.

Meth lab is short for method acting labradoodles.

You complete me! ~ me to my lucky potato as I gently kiss it goodnight and tuck it back under my pillow

What do you call a cow bouncing on a trampoline.. A dairy air.

The family that sticks together should bathe more often.

Hummingbirds are just regular birds that can't remember the lyrics.

Sasha Riley pitched that Trump tent like a BOSS.

Found some real pearlers on Spotify…

When Trump dies, he will not lay in state at the Capitol. His outcast family will have a wake for him at Mar-a-Lago, they’ll bury him on a golf course, and he’ll go down in history as one of the greatest stains on our nation.

Being self employed is hard, I’m not a good boss or employee

This is so embarrassing. The cartel drones Pam Bondi was sounding the alarm about during the hearing turned out to be… party balloons. This administration is so incompetent.

It’s raining and it’s glorious ♥️

[office canteen] coworker: I hope you don’t mind but I used your mug as mine’s dirty me: of course not, and I’m sure you don’t mind that as my wife has a headache I used yours instead

I love how the President of the United States is a diaper wearing pants shitter and the vice president is a couch fucker. You can’t even make this shit up.

JD Vance has the most punchable face on the planet.

the spelling of lasagna upsets me

When she leaves the DMs open

It's not a real relationship until you occasionally hate the other person's stupid face.

Downing tools and off to drink wine with a new girlfriend. Fuck. This.

How they give these micro penis wielding fools airtime is beyond me.

He’s gonna start a war to stop elections too.

After Trump approval hits just 36%, an all time low, in December, Gallop decides to stop polling this. Their Presidential Approval Rating is one of the most cited barometers of public opinion on the president’s performance, and has been in use since Harry Truman. www.theguardian.com/us-news/2026...

THE American People Still Have Our Allies.......

So the world is basically run by baby eating satanists. Cool, cool.

ewe david

I saw an Instagram reel about a woman ruining Maga holidays and one of the jokes was “if Jesus was handing out free healthcare would you call him a socialist or just crucify him again… “ …And that is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard.

Ask me my body count and I will legit tell you how many people I’ve killed.

It’s insane that we have to call and beg our Democratic leaders not to fund a government organization that is shooting and killing us.

Ghost me harder, send the spirits bitch!! 👻

The moon says such lovely things about you

It's winter for like seven out of twelve months here. Of course I do drugs

ME WATCHING THE OLYMPICS: *has never ice skated in my entire life* ooh her form was off

american cheese is just like regular cheese but it owns a gun

I don't even think he's that bad of a bunny

Eye floaters are the ghosts that live in your skull.