Goofy about to suck dick: hyuk tuah

A purgatory warehouse filled with all the unopened gifts life gave you that you thought weren’t for you.

If I stop posting, the servers go dark.

super sweet of my sleep schedule to add intermissions for literally no fucking reason whatsoever

Was feeling spontaneous, so I made a list of things to do next Tuesday.

disney should go back to making movies about how it’s ok to steal from rich people

This is not The Best Skeet in the World - this is just a tribute.

It’s only Christmas once you’ve bought, lost and replaced 17 sellotapes.

These bangers ain’t just gonna bang themselves

2026 is already making me tired

Today I’ll be hiding under the blankets and calling that productivity.

Not to get political, but I will keep a full bush until there is a regime change

People sending out LinkedIn invitations to connect on the 23rd of December… Can we fucking not?

Room with a view.

peace on earth and chill?

one thing i always check before hitting send: could this end up in the lourve?

our daughter is actually a twin, but we kept the other one in the original packaging so we can sell her on ebay if we don't use her

Pre-surgery Charlie Kirk looked very much like a prolapsed anus.

Pulled my laces a bit too tight on Monday and still not got them back to normal so obviously I've done no work this week

hey I’m not just sitting here doing nothing i’m grinding down my teeth

Alexa, explain this fuckery

Sorry I didn’t sext you back. My phone has been on silent since 2016.

For this year’s nativity scene, I’m replacing the three wise men with ICE agents handcuffing Baby Jesus.

It’s shit faced Sunday, BITCHES

My alt account will be me trying to be sexy mixed in with pics of various casserole dishes.

*something traumatic happens* Me: this is going to make a banger of a skeet

I'll take the induced coma, please.

We need an emoji for the DJ Khaled horn

Wishing a very shut up to Kevin Spacey.

I’m fine.

i see your passive aggressiveness and raise you a mute

Walmart is opening in South Africa soon and my kids are losing their minds.

I’m more judgy when my underwear matches and my legs are shaved.

If you're trying to convince your friends to spend time on Bluesky rather than X, maybe show them this. X is not "the public town square" or about "free speech." It's "just what Elon Musk wants you to see." If you see stuff he doesn't like he'll step in to make sure you don't see it for long.

Republicans can send all their drag queens to me. I would like to party with them.

*finds a dead body* Me: IS IT CAKE?

The only thing more painful than typing into a tv is watching someone else type into a tv

I found out the needles chiropractors use on you GO. STRAIGHT. TO. THE. BONE.

Them: Which university did you go to? Me: Neurodiversity.

Once when I was very young, I had a dream that muppets were puppets. When I awoke, I ran crying to my parents and asked for comfort, but all they did was confirm that muppets are, in fact, puppets.

They aren’t even hiding the corruption‼️

Believe them!

The released Epstein files will have more black lines than a 19th century prison uniform.

welcome to America, where trans people are somehow more harmful than swastikas and nooses

Lord of the flies. Piggy. Whatever happened there…

You miss 100% of the hot dads you don’t try to run down with your van

Squishy is the worst texture of thing to step on

I keep looking around for people breaking the 4th wall