I shouldn't be awake right now. - me, every waking moment of my life

Not the rapture getting scared and nervous and won't come out now because everyone can't shut up about it.

Well, I'll be damned. - me, who's already damned

Nice talk, could you sprinkle a little shut the fuck up on it next time?

Oh that was unhappiness this is depression dumbass.

I’m not in a weird mood, it’s a lifestyle.

going off the deep end with both hands in my hoodie

Follow me for more playful nihilism

The perfect time to die is every time.

I need to get lost in an 80s mcdonald's ball pit

I'd like public transportation more if it didn't transport so much of the public.

I just put a half stick of butter on my slice of banana bread only because there are no witnesses.

I win every argument by falling asleep

Gonna start pronouncing Tapatio as Tah-pay-shee-o

What's with this bitch ass app?

I’m as if “fuck it, send” was a person

This email could have been a shared look in a meeting.

When the plot is tragic but the storytelling is impeccable and you just know for a fact that you'll be sobbing for 48 hours straight when it ends.

This is all so goddamn stupid fucking hell

All that glitters, has a high refractive index

These celebs banding together now when so many palestinians have already been killed. Fucking losers.

Anything can be a trigger for meltdown if you're fucked up enough.

I don't wanna (self diagnosed)

I can’t - and I cannot stress this enough - even.

Some days I just like to go outside and pretend I'm a dandelion... today is one of those days...

things labeled "foolproof" hate to see me coming

So hey, should a bunch of us just get a place together?

There's a guy who's kinda cute in this meeting. Must be a loser.

"Do better." How about you do good first?

My jokes are so cheesy that they wouldn't look out of place on a charcuterie board.

If someone placed bacon end-to-end around the circumference of the globe, I would eat all of it and ruin their experiment.

Go ahead and deactivate losers that’s just fewer people to ignore my posts

(scrolling with my eyes closed)

Please be patient while I fly off this handle.

*screams into the pumpkin spiced void*

OvEr HeRe LiViNg LiFe LiKe EvErYtHiNg Is FiNe

Reviews open tabs to try to close some of them; opens 20 more tabs.

I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.

Thank you, things that don’t kill me, but you can stop already. I think I’m tough enough now.

yeah yeah I'm coming, just gotta quickly go thru the internet and like 200 posts

I would describe myself as a harbinger of death sprinkled with a pinch of whimsy

You ever get so tired, your body just starts making dial-up modem noises?

Go fuck yourself. Enjoy, bitch.

Another day of being immortal again, I guess.

Didn't die in my sleep. Bummer.

I know this may come as a big shock but I've never put a second thought into any of my posts.

Did my chores. By "did my chores," I mean I stared at the lawnmower until it got dark and the problem went away.

All good here, just fumbling through the fog and mire.

I’m so tired of the internet but it’s my emotional support hellhole.

You think these are bad you should've seen my telegrams.