[first date] Her: I’m a big country fan. Me: Belgium is quite small, comparatively. Densely populated too, for what it’s worth.

Every time I fold fitted sheets I hear my ancestors whisper "we survived plagues for this"

this is very painful for me to talk about but in the early 2000s i wore blazers recreationally

headless horseman dandruff shampoo Just Shoulders

Calling all meta glasses wearers 'specs offenders'.

A nice compliment is to tell someone they sound coherent

Nothing says "I'm a functional adult" like eating dry cereal for dinner out of a trash bag because doing dishes is a scam. I am thriving. Do not look at me or my crunch berries.

Sexting in my best Gollum voice because I heard you’re into role play.

a glory hole but for getting apologies

“it’s xmas in july” i whisper, while breaking into your house by sliding down the chimney

babe what do you mean you can’t stand the sound of me incessantly chewing ice?

I don’t meditate, but this one time I didn’t look at my phone for ten minutes

“Don’t be silly, I’m not obsessed” I scoff as I frame all your posts and hang them in my secret shrine.

My company just installed new keystroke tracking software to monitor our productivity levels and protect corporate data, which is great because now someone else is finally reading my screenplay.

Me: We’re supposed to avoid fresh fruits and vegetables. My cholesterol: Oh hell yeah. Let’s get high.

Hey thanks for the suggestion, unfortunately you were super condescending and now I can never take this good advice.

birds wake up screaming bc they’re empaths

can’t breathe the air can’t drink the water can’t eat the food, finally the capitalist utopia is complete

leftover salad, for when fresh salad isn't quite disappointing enough

Making my body tight af, not for health but for looking shit hot in the apocalypse outfits while fighting zombies

[cop beating me with nightstick during the daytime] omg I just thought of the funniest skeet ow

got kicked out of the venice beach gym for glistening too much

Bastille Day is a great reminder that if you mistreat people long enough, they’ll eventually turn you into a souvenir. History is fun.

Pooh: “I will never leave you, Christopher Robin. The hundred acre wood is my home!” Christopher Robin: *drops match

I called the cat an asshole and my wife said “Animals aren’t assholes” so I mentioned geese and she said “OK, you got me”

JUDGE: how do you plead ME: *making air quotes* not guilty JUDGE: why did you do air quotes ME: *whispering* because I’m guilty

JD: let’s pour one out for lindsey KASH: wtf dude don’t fucking waste it PETE: noooo *slurps up the ground*

He told me I had nice teeth. He told me he loved my legs and my big brown eyes. It wasn’t so much a date as a livestock auction.

I’m celebrating three years with the cherry tomato under my fridge. It’s the only family member I have left that doesn't ask me how my day was or why I'm drinking at 2 PM.

Marriage is just a legally binding agreement to ask another person what they want for dinner until one of you finally welcomes the sweet release of death.

If you want to feel truly alive, try parallel parking while a group of teenagers watches you in absolute, unforgiving silence.

when i go out i keep a box of bandaids rolled up in my t-shirt sleeve so i look cool and for just in case my friends get any little boo-boos

We are forced to exist in a world where the same people who believe a man built a boat big enough for every animal don't believe in climate science because it’s “unproven.”

Reminder to sporadically check on your goths in this heat. Check under logs/in shaded graveyards and leave out a little dish of water at dusk.

I dunno where I got the idea that everyone shakes off the water like a dog after a shower but I bet it was from a dog

Did vikings signal each other using norse code?

I put a piece of tape over my laptop webcam so the FBI can't see me eat shredded cheese at 4 AM. But I know they can still hear the bag crinkling.

Non-consensual sexual intercourse is rape. I know that, and we raised our son to know that. Consent isn’t optional.

When people say their place is a mess and it's neater than your place has ever been

ME: i can’t drink this it’s expired WIFE: it’s just natural spring water ME: it’s summer now carol

0️⃣ days since the last time i looked into the trash can at cooking instructions because i threw them away in my hubris

while everyone's distracted this would be a great time for Nicolas Cage to steal the Declaration of Independence

Sorry I faked it by throwing warm mayonnaise on your back.

I taught my parrot to say, “Help, I’ve been turned into a parrot.” The authorities are involved. No regrets.

it’s sadly getting to the point where i can either be informed or i can be sane

i promise i keep trying to write jokes it’s just i’ve been happy for four days in a row

my boss is on vacation so let's face it - me too

I Tried to Be Friends With a Guy and He Made It Weird: A Memoir

i've never met a podcaster who i wouldn't divorce

Any time people start talking about politics I just say "follow the money" and walk away