Weekend forecast: 100% chance of emotional fog with scattered sighs Me: [packs tiny umbrella and a photo of my childhood dog]

Me: My New Year’s resolution is to stop lying to myself My reflection: [in a rain-puddled pavement] Good luck with that Me: [kicks puddle] Traitor.

Unpopular opinion: maybe run the country you were elected to lead before adding another one to the list?

I’ve already broken all of my new year resolutions

[God creating dogs] Oh these turned out great. Im going to want all of these back at some point

My vision board is just one photo: me, asleep, from a time I actually felt safe. I stare at it when the world gets loud.

HOST: what did you bring Method Man? METHOD MAN: the pain HOST: how about you Anthrax? ANTHRAX: the noise HOST: Wu-Tang clan? WU-TANG CLAN: we brought da ruckus HOST: and you? ME: *throws green bean casserole into the trash* nothing sorry

Finished listening from Blink 1 to Blink 181, so I can enjoy Blink 182. I have no idea what day it is let along time.

Taught my parrot to say “Help, I’ve been turned into a parrot”. SPCA is knocking. Worth it.

Can’t believe it’s Easter in Australia.

2026 could be great. We simply don't know.

no hangovers crew, we did it, we're better than everyone

Just checking has anyone posted RIP 2025-2025? Oh, ok cool bananas thanks.

I went to a hibachi place last night and told a couple of dad jokes to the chef and he laughed but I could see in his eyes he wanted to stab me, and frankly I don’t blame him

the internet is basically just everyone who should be in therapy yelling at each other through 1s and 0s instead

You know that feeling of excitement you get? No, me either

Somebody called me 'pretentious'. I nearly choked on my oat milk matcha cortado with lavender foam.

brain for sale, never used

2026 is already making me tired

This year feels like a banana that went from green to brown overnight.

I’m not saying you suck, but I hope your charger only works at one specific angle.

eating cereal for dinner because cooking requires standing.

When I die, this will all be yours. *gestures to 14 soy sauce packets and 2 forks from takeout*

Me: I have a PhD in history Them: Oh wow, what's your focus? Me: Garfield lore

If you wake me up and don't read my rights to me, I'm going to assume you don't have any either

End of year reminder: time passing is not personal growth.

Teach your children about rejection by getting them a cat.

My wife asked me to “help clean up before New Year’s” which in our house means I stand there holding a trash bag while she explains why I’m doing it wrong.

Go go gadget seasonal depression

This has been a great year for people who love being angry

Imagine saying hi to someone and then not having anything else to say.

Flirting by becoming a forest god and bestowing dread magic upon a dagger wielding traveler

Microwave popcorn has a three second window between ‘not ready yet’ and ‘you’ve summoned smoke demons who hate you personally’.

There is no situation in which I need a random recipe site to be allowed to send me notifications. None.

no one talks about the benefits of my ass bathing in cleopatra's milk

The best thing about replies containing a YouTube link, is it reminds me there’s a mute button.

‘Why are you always tired?’ I’ve been alive every day since I was born. It adds up.

A lot of people have unknowingly helped me get through the day when I was willing to give up. Thank you. Not you though (jokes). (Am I? 🤷‍♂️).

Switching out the middle finger for two thumbs down, for whimsy

Gen X rawdogging is sending a fax without a cover letter

if you forget to renew your shitposter's insurance by the end of the year you may not legally comment on any of my posts I don't make the rules

Shout out to my aunt who, when asked what she plans to do for NYE, replied ‘die peacefully in my sleep.’

The purest form of self deception is saying ‘I’ll just rest my eyes for five minutes’ and waking up three hours later.

that rickety stall doesn’t seem very stable haha homonyms amirite . wait. i mean synonyms . haha synonyms . ah fuck lemme try this again . that rickety stall doesn’t seem v

sometimes I’ll think about how everyone will die at some point and think, “god. what a hassle.”

I built a shelf. It’s holding books, a plant, and the emotional weight of knowing it’ll be slightly crooked forever

The timeline of @weeder.bsky.social is such a rollercoaster of fun, in my head the handle is weeeeeeeeeder.bsky.social

Bagpipes sound like what happens when you invent an instrument out of spite.

Remember when someone said they ‘completed a marathon’ and you automatically assumed running instead of binge watching ‘Stranger Things’?

I leave typos in my posts just to give yo something to think of at 3am