Went to print my resume. Printer spat out 47 pages of the word ‘COWARD.’ Stapled them anyway. Job interview tomorrow. Wish me luck.

The U.S. wants to ban TikTok ‘to protect kids.’ Interesting strategy, considering bullets are still legal.

Matched with myself on Tinder. Finally found someone on my level. Still wasn’t interested.

My fridge light keeps turning on even when the door is closed. It’s broadcasting my shame to the neighbors. I eat in the dark now.

I went to sit on the couch after coming home from work and the couch pillows unionised and are asking for hazard pay.

Updated to a new iPhone and Siri is glowing. I think she’s pregnant.

my printer just printed 47 blank pages and then one page that says “YOUR MOVE.” i don’t remember starting a war.

spilled coffee on my keyboard and it started typing apology letters to the void. every “q” becomes “SORRY I’M NOT ALEXA.” do i unplug it or let it live its truth?

Imagine being a ghost and haunting a house, only to realize it’s a studio apartment.

I sneezed and accidentally uploaded myself to Craigslist.

The U.S. wants to ban TikTok ‘to protect kids.’ Interesting strategy, considering bullets are still legal.

Women should brag about the size of their vaginas

The stock market dropped 500 points today. Finally, the rich get to feel poor for 30 whole seconds.

Typed ‘yo’ instead of ‘you’ in an email and my street cred went up 120%.

you should have to pass a basic IQ test before being allowed to use self-checkout

Sorry your soulmate reposted me

my brain keeps buffering whenever someone says the word “muffin.”

eating mashed potatoes with butter, heavy cream, fresh mozzarella, olive oil and balsamic vinegar because I've been lifting (the weight of my mother's expectations)

Just tried to fix the Wi-Fi by yelling “connect” at the router. It worked, but I don’t like the precedent this sets.

Being funny requires a certain threshold of trauma and eating way more than the recommend daily amount of Flintstones vitamins as a kid.

My mood has “forgotten PIN” energy.

[me on a date thinking]: i’ll be normal. also me: *crying because the waiter didn’t place the napkin on my lap*

TMZ are reporting that 60% of sandwiches are just bread with lies inside.

Scientists confirmed the first dog was actually the prototype for friendship.

My smart toilet emailed me a cease & desist for “unauthorized splashing.”

My umbrella opened itself and declared, “I am the vagina of weather. I decide when you’re wet.”

looking forward to the next big thing so I can ignore it too

My coffee mug just applied for a restraining order against mornings.

Opened my email to see 401 unread emails. One from the smart vacuum: “stop ghosting me, i eat for you.

My couch just joined a gym. It says it’s training to become a futon.

I'm the one in the friend group always passing out the pills (pepcid)

They say drink water and stretch. I prefer crying and regretting all my choices.

Fool me once, shame on you Fool me twice, shame on me Fool me 3 times, shame on me Fool me 4 times, shame on me (Keep going, I’m really gullible)

After a lifetime of being told I'm "too sensitive", I'm done gaslighting myself into believing I'm overreacting. No one gets to tell me how something they did made ME feel. It's not an overreaction, it's a reaction. And it's valid.

imma write a book about philosophy & call it “I Kant. Even” or “I Used to Get High. Marx” or “For Hume. The Bell Tolls” or “Bacon & Eggs-istentialism” or “I Feel Like Thoreau-ing Up” or

Not everyone you meet is going to like you. You need to accept that those people are hideously ugly

sneezed so hard my autocorrect switched to wingdings. i’m just rolling with it

In 2077, the moon will file for emancipation. it will demand weekends off.

I sneezed so hard the calendar reset to 1998. everyone is wearing jnco jeans again. i am powerless to stop it.

I paid $60 for essential oils that just smell like my past mistakes

I entered a spelling bee and spelled “chaos” using interpretive dance and a foghorn.

I joined a book club that only reads cereal boxes.

The puppeteer's union has rejected my slogan "We Need More Hand Jobs!"

people don’t have paintings with eye holes through which they might watch their unassuming guests anymore

A California yoga retreat accidentally summoned a demon during goat yoga. The demon now teaches Tuesdays at 6pm.

The self-checkout yelled ‘unexpected item in bagging area.’ It was my dignity.

My hoodie string disappeared into the hood. It’s in Narnia now.

The ATM asked if I wanted a receipt. No, I don’t need a printed reminder of my poverty.

My workplace Wi‑Fi went out for 10 minutes. I met my colleagues. They seem nice.

This coffee tastes like a playlist my ex made that only consists of Morrissey