Blocking anyone giving life advice whose birth year starts with a 2

sure sex is great but have you ever plugged in a usb the first time

pulling my pants down on the Carnival cruise and yelling "MASTER AND COMMANDO"

Why do birds suddenly appear everytime I am near? Probably because I'm dropping french fries

people are so incredibly dumb, I'm mad that I felt pressured to be smart my entire life

People used to run away and join the circus, but now, thanks to modern advancements, the circus is all around us all the damn time

When one of you deactivates I imagine you being taken off stage with one of those big canes

I nod and smile at empty spaces just to confuse any ghosts that might be there into thinking I can see them.

The real test of adulthood is how excited you get about new sponges.

i know there’s a lot of bad things going on right now but i think it’s important to remember there are probably a lot of bad things we don’t know about going on too

I used to chase love. Now I chase the 2 for 1 chicken nugget deal. And honestly? The nuggets never flake on me.

keeping things fresh by making dolphins noises in the boudoir

[interview] BOSS: Can you explain this gap in your resume? ME: That's when I worked at the Gap BOSS: Ha very funny, I mean this other gap ME: That's when I fell into a mountain gap BOSS: Hm, okay. But how about this third gap? ME *grabbing resume*: Let me see...oh, you're in the dental section

The airline pilot at the next urinal didn't wash his hands after and now my life is in his filthy mitts

high fiving all the jurors when I come in to get them on my side

Fire Marshal: "There are too many kung fu fighters in here"

Being hot would be cool and all, but have you seen the price of salad? No thanks! I’ll stay ugly and eat my $1 cheeseburger in peace.

Currently suffering the reality of being old (giving up a concert ticket due to the inconvenience of going)

Me trying to be responsible: • Set 17 alarms • Buy a planner • Watch 31 mins of productivity TikToks • Order pizza in bed • Cry softly into a breadstick

I don’t need a 5 year plan. I need a 5 minute nap and someone to quietly place a large fry on my chest while whispering, “You’re enough.”

[at a bakery] Me: One existential crisis, please Baker: Okay, two croissants and a sigh. Me: [pays in loose change and a haiku about toast]

my therapist says I'm a narcissist but I think she's just jealous of how well-adjusted I am

most of you need to do some inner child work just saying

my therapist says i should “set boundaries”. i told her i set a boundary with gravity yesterday and it laughed and let me fall down a flight of stairs.

if they made one of those birdfeeders with a camera but it was to feed me would you buy it

I jerk off so violently I have to wear a snorkel mask and yell “Man overboard!” every time I finish, just in case my neighbors think I’m drowning in my own shame.

No one ever told me the hardest part of being a parent is parenting your parents.

[editing a video] Damn, lot of bad takes [reading bluesky] Damn, lot of bad takes

I am physically unable to go through a yellow light without saying "ha ha haa" in a menacing voice

Tried sexting but autocorrect changed “ravage me” to “average me,” and honestly that feels more achievable.

a nightclub for millennials where we can dance. doors open at 7pm. lights out by 11pm.

do you ever wonder if you just don’t have what it takes anymore to do things like fight the entrenched power or get out of bed

People who say “I don’t own a TV” are the same ones who binge watch Netflix on their laptop. You’re not special.

[At the Zoo] Kid: What's that? Me: That's a bear. Kid: What's it doing? Me: His best.

I like pretty things and scrolling accounts with the biggest shitshow.

Clicking mindlessly from tab to tab counts as work

Why must the dog look at me as if I just broke his heart if I so much as walk out of a room?

good news, my therapist said I'm cured and to never contact her again

giving joyce carol oates my password for nextdoor so she can drag my neighbor who won’t stop posting “happy fall y’all” every single day

just finished building a ship in a la croix can. i mean i think it's done, i can't see it

*patting professional building* yes yes you're a very good building

could a depressed person do this? *posts again*

The internet isn't fun anymore. I miss when it was just pictures of cats with bad grammar, not a global prison that monetizes despair.

Instead of building a ship in a bottle I took a bottle on a ship. Now there’s a man overboard and I’ve been banned from Carnival Cruises for life.

$200 in groceries later and I’m eating shredded cheese straight from the bag over the sink.

it’s called a double negative maybe you’ve never not heard of it

My electric frypan died so now I have to use an acoustic one.

Humans evolved sneezing so we would know when to take a Zyrtec

Sometimes I get jealous of people who are retiring, then I remember they’re nearing the end of their natural lifespan and I get even more jealous.

live in the living room die in the dining room