MY STEPMOM: *stuck in a washing machine* help ME: I got this *googles stepmom stuck in washing machine* what the

Mother’s Day? Why isn’t there a Father’s Day?

What’s your favorite TV show about leaving something to beaver

WARREN ZEVON: send lawyers, guns, and money ME: ok but I need a receipt

*knock on door* “Sir have you found Jesus?” Uh, no. Goodbye. *shuts door* *Jesus steps out from behind door with gun* Good answer

ME YELLING THROUGH A MEGAPHONE: IF YOU GO TO THE NORTH POLE THEY CALL IT SANTAVIRUS CROWD: *silence* ME: I SAID IF YOU- SWAT COMMANDER: take the shot

Cinco de Mayo is Spanish for “the four of Mayonnaise”

May the Cinco de Mayo be with you

I do not think they know what the word “ceasefire” means

Standing outside McDonald’s in a trench coat holding a boom box over my head like John Cusack in Say Anything until they bring the Szechuan sauce back

Me after turning in a killer PowerPoint presentation at work

In Canada hockey is called Moose Chucking

What does this even MEEEEAN?

I’ve been disqualified from the Kentucky Derby for not using my turn signals

The fastest 2 minutes in sports? You mean me running the 100m dash?

ME: so it’s just like Air Bud only the dog can’t fly or play basketball, I call it Ground Bud HOLLYWOOD EXEC 1: I love it HOLLYWOOD EXEC 2: just incredible HOLLYWOOD EXEC 3: here is a giant bag of money ME: Ground Bud

The Atlanta Hawks have also now been eliminated from next season’s playoffs

Trade him to another team?

*me eating dinner at the Cat in the Hat's house* these fish sticks are delicious, but why are they red and blue?

What’s your favorite Van Halen song about jumping

MY LAWYER: so you’re saying he hit you in the eye ME: that’s right MY LAWYER: and it was like a big pizza pie? ME: it was MY LAWYER: no more questions your honor MOON: *frantically whispers in his lawyers ear*

If cats had fingers they would 100% be flipping you off all the time

Cookie Monster delivering the eulogy at Bert's funeral. Head bowed low. Stillness. "Me want cookies," he sadly intones. "Me want cookies."

ME: we plead not guilty your honor BOB MARLEY: *stands up* I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy ME: *pinching the bridge of my nose* we plead guilty your honor

I hope Fatou has a….nice birthday

ME: …and then they lived ever after. The end. SON: don’t you mean happily ever after? ME: no

[sets Time Machine for 1300s] ME: so it’s a taco that has a shell that tastes like Doritos MEDIEVAL SERF: *nods and slowly backs away*

I could fly to the moon too if I wanted to, I just don’t want to

Will I understand Artemis II if I didn’t see the first one

CUT MY LIFE INTO PIECES

"You know what they call a Quarter Pounder with Cheese in France?" Ernie asks Bert. They never see the cement truck that broadsides them.

I once dunked on Air Bud so hard it neutered him

Who wants to come see a dead body with me

For Easter I found one more egg than you, but it’s not a competition

GENIE: you have freed me from the lamp and get 3 wishes. What is your first wish? ME: I wish for some BOFA GENIE: what’s BOFA? ME: *with tears in my eyes* I won’t be needing my other wishes

Just found out the moon mission is running on Microsoft Office

I caught Stuart Little smoking a cigarette so I made him smoke the whole pack and now he’s dead, sorry

Would Jesus be an iPhone guy or an Android guy?

So son, you want to win the science fair, eh? We can solve this with good ol' American know-how *drone strikes other projects* We win

Men will literally cut their life into pieces as their last resort instead of going to therapy

Little early to start tanking isn’t it?

There is no bigger jump scare than opening a can of biscuits

Not to brag, but I only eat food that I hunt and gather myself *pulls out McDonald’s bag filled with arrow holes* This one put up quite a fight

My dad died in a final countdown you son of a bitch

CLIMATE: we need to talk ME: ok CLIMATE: I feel like we’ve been growing apart ME: don’t do this CLIMATE: it’s not you…I’ve changed ME: *starts crying* CLIMATE: I want to see other species ME: WHO ARE THEY I HATE THEM CLIMATE: Goodbye

*comes home from work early* *finds wife in bed with Mr. Peanut* Oh god. What are you, fucking nuts? *silence* *monocle falls to the floor*

Dungeons AND Dragons??? In this economy??!!??

A different President?

Imagine getting into an Uber and Tiger Woods is your driver

“Sir, we found a President way worse than you”