BANKER: I’m afraid we can’t give you a loan ME: why not? BANKER: your credit score is *checks notes* 69 ME: nice? BANKER: *pushes button under desk to call security*

Did they shoot everyone

We should send ICE to Iran and tell them to deport everyone and see what happens

“Kobe” I whisper as I shoot a ball of paper at the trash can across the room, hitting a candle instead and burning the entire house down

*I go up to do a 360° windmill dunk but trip myself and slam into the post head first and roll into a cheerleader* Foul

KID: can I have my ball back JESUS: fuck you

They’re doing it again…

In basketball, if a basket is worth either 1, 2, or 3 points, you should always take the 3. The others are inefficient. It’s simple math.

I’m not sure about this very serious analysis

If I were a 16 seed in the NCAA basketball tournament I would simply score more points than the 1 seed and win the game

DONALD TRUMP 1861 I will negotiate away this Civil War *5 minutes later* The Democrats have caused this Civil War

Just had to explain to my wife that baby Yoda has a NAME and you should CALL HIM THAT

If I were a basketball coach I would simply tell my team to make all their shots

The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant

All you have to do is round off pi and you get 3. Stupid math nerds overcomplicate everything

ME: I decided to cook for our 1st date DATE: nice ME: I’m sort of a foodie DATE: ok ME: *sets down plate* these are shaped like dinosaurs

How long do you wait on a first date to talk about your Super Mario Bros. high score?

Sgt.Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band killed my father you son of a bitch

ME: *appears in a flash* not much just inventing a time machine what’s up with you YOU: what ME: do you want to take a ride in my updog machine YOU: what’s updog ME: *pushes button*

11/22/63 only I'm going back in time to stop the invention of unfrosted Pop Tarts

I wish I was a little bit taller I wish I was a baller I wish I had a girl who look good I would call her

Why isn't a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters

Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.

Thinking about committing a crime and not getting caught, any suggestions?

ABC's of selling: A - Always B - Be C - CLOSING THE GODDAMN DOOR IT’S MUCH BETTER TO FACE THESE THINGS WITH A SENSE OF POISE AND RATIONALITY

Went to the Bone Temple and they were worshipping your mom

I want to watch the CEO of Costco eat 5 rotisserie chickens in under an hour

Good news Browns fans

I am basically Nostradamus

JUDGE: I sentence you to 37 years in prison ME: nah JUDGE: what ME: I’m not vibing that JUDGE: I see ME: yeah JUDGE: I guess you’re free to go then ME: peace out my robed brother JUDGE: that is the coolest guy I’ve ever seen it was an honor to let him go

And I looked, and behold a pale horse: and his name that sat on him was Death, and Hell followed with him.

did someone use ms paint to draw his eyepatch??

When the song Jump Around comes on, I refuse to jump. It’s me, I’m that guy.

I believe alien historians will look back and determine our civilization officially ended when we decided we could no longer cut off our own PB&J crusts and paid a company to sell us Uncrustables

Would you rather: 1) saw off your arm that’s stuck under a boulder or 2) make a typo in a group chat

PETE HEGSETH: *typing into ChatGPT* pretend you’re a 10 year old boy starting a war to distract from significant domestic issues, what would you call it CHATGPT: OPERATION SMOKE SCREEN PETE HEGSETH: *typing into ChatGPT* make it dumber CHATGPT: OPERATION EPIC FURY 🇺🇸 PETE HEGSETH: *pumps fist*

I hope FIFA takes back that peace prize now

“Let the bodies hit the floor” - world’s worst mortician

I have a song about this very thing, I’m basically some kind of Nostradamus on.soundcloud.com/NZEY3LqrhaLm...

One more R and this could be the coolest thing ever

they should just resign now, I have destroyed them

“your screen time this week” shut up narc

ERNIE: let’s talk about what we saw in the 1st half KENNY: the bench scoring was really- CHUCK: have you guys ever fought a squirrel? KENNY: what SHAQ: I have CHUCK: did you win? SHAQ: I did CHUCK: I didn’t KENNY: can we talk about the game ERNIE: *holds up hand* let them finish

JUDGE: how do you please ME: I'm not guiltymogging JUDGE: too bad, I'm sentencemaxxing ME: well played

Will I understand World War III if I haven’t seen the first two

This should be a very short speech. State of the Union: Fucked

what the lamestream media won't tell you is that Punch the monkey is Harambe's grandson and he's plotting his revenge on all of us

*being dragged away by military robots* Artificial Intelligence?!? More like- *the robots club me into submission so nobody ever hears the punch line to this awesome joke*

Maybe that little monkey can't make any friends because he's an asshole, did we consider that

I went to the land of the ice and snow from the midnight sun where the hot springs flow and all I got was this lousy t-shirt