BOW DOWN BEFORE THE ONE YOU SERVE YOU’RE GOING TO GET WHAT YOU DESERVE

ME: I wish you would stop doing that YOSEMITE SAM: *hopping back and forth shooting pistols repeatedly into the air* why

ME: I wish you would stop doing that YOSEMITE SAM: *hopping back and forth shooting pistols repeatedly into the air* why

My father was killed by the monster mash you son of a bitch

Down With the Sickness (Taylor’s Version)

In America, the day after Halloween is known as “November 1st”

That’s not funny.

Parents I IMPLORE you to check your children’s candy this Halloween, I just found a knife hidden in a Reese’s miniature peanut butter cup

KIDS: trick or treat ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?

ME: trick or treat MAGA NEIGHBOR: the trick is you believing in the treats that our government hands out ME: shut the fuck up Gary

Instead of paying for expensive password management software just send me your passwords and I will tell you what they are when you need them

Just learned that some Canadians say fuck the dog instead of screwed the pooch and I’m shook

Not your best work. Is everything okay at home right now?

That’s me in the corner That’s me in the spotlight Eating all the nachos Trying to keep them all from you And I don’t know if I can do it Oh no I ate too much I started throwing up

Billy this is Donald Trump. He’s a megalomaniacal fascist, racist, misogynist, homophobe with dementia. His weakness is all of that plus he has a small dick.

My dad was killed in the land of the ice and snow from the midnight sun where the hot springs flow you son of a bitch

I want a girl with a short skirt and a lonnnnnnnnnnng john silver's gift card

GOD: hi, welcome to heaven ME: thanks…is there any BOFA here? [30 seconds later] SATAN: hi, welcome to hell

*grabs diet coke* *grabs mentos* *grabs duct tape* *grabs cat* *calls Nobel committee* I hope you haven't given away the science thing yet

JUDGE: order in the court *starts banging gavel* ME: are you going to stop JUDGE: *keeps banging* ME: why not JUDGE: *shows me gavel labeled YOUR MOM* lol

Thinking about doing some broadcasts today without the express written consent of the National Football League

Can't believe Trump just turned the White House into a Spirit Halloween

FRIEND: you see the game yesterday? ME: life is a prolonged period of existential dread abruptly ended by intense pain FRIEND: I like sports

*robbers burst into bank* EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG *bank manager frowns* What's updog? WE'RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT'S UP WITH YOU

Twinkle twinkle little star Your light has traveled very far One thousand years ago you died Everything we know's a lie

ME: you into Green Day? MY FRIEND WHO IS COLOR BLIND: you mean Red Day?

SAD FRIEND: *is being sad* ME: have you tried being happy SAD FRIEND: thank you. You have cured my depression ME: you’re welcome

Void? Y E S F R I E N D Why are you laughing? A J O K E Tell me? W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E I don't get it Y O U W I L L

I have busted the ghost that was in your hood and which you were probably scared of and screaming Forgive me busting makes me feel good

WARDEN: any last words ME: come closer WARDEN: *leans down* yes? ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down

Cookie Monster delivering the eulogy at Bert's funeral. Head bowed low. Stillness. "Me want cookies," he sadly intones. "Me want cookies."

All we need is Earth Bud and Water Bud and the prophecy will come true

My dad was killed by Chili’s baby back ribs you son of a bitch

SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me

Is there a Nobel Prize for bad posts? Because I would win that easily.

My name is Ozymandias, King of Kings…look on my works ye mighty and despair!

Remember you can’t spell Philadelphia Eagles without lol

It’s me, I shut down the government. Sorry not sorry.

Would you rather see Taylor Swift catch a seam route between two NFL safeties or Travis Kelce playing the guitar in a sequined leotard

I get asked this a lot for some reason

So there you are talking to your friend Steve and Steve looks over and says “how are things going” and that’s when you realize Steve has been dead for 20 years and the stars are starting to fall out of the sky like black rain

My daughter has destroyed me send help

RECRUITER: *picks up resume* Tell me about your strengths ME: Lying on my resume RECRUITER: Weaknesses? ME: telling people I lie on my resume

May become an account that just posts things like “my pee smells like pumpkin spice”

A senile President and an insane Secretary of "War" is good, right? Right???

Do you think Jesus used hair gel

If you’re looking for a song about smoke on the water, Smoke on the Water by Deep Purple has to be right up there

Take on deez (Take on deez) Take deez on (Take on deez) I’ve been kicked In deez nuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuts

I don't know either

My dad was killed by Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band you son of a bitch