Starting to wonder if the word “ceasefire” doesn’t mean what I thought it meant

I’m counting this

I’m the Zlatan of laying on the couch

The cool thing about soccer is I can step away for an hour and miss nothing, but if I look down for 30 seconds 5 goals will have been scored

Spent too much on avocado toast

Found the reflecting pool vandal

[being murdered in the kitchen] are you serious i just frickin mopped

mcdonalds should be allowed to sell cocaine

ST PETER: any questions before we let you into heaven? ME: how many chuggas before a choo choo ST PETER: *starts smashing button that sends people to hell*

Ronaldo McDonaldo

Have they tried shooting all the algae

Pronouncing Grimace like Versace so the people at this McDonald’s think I’m sophisticated

Found JD Vance’s biography

Charlie Kirk would’ve loved Minions and Monsters

I finally figured out what kind of creature Grimace is - HE'S A GIANT PURPLE BITCH WHO SLEPT WITH MY WIFE I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY SHERYL YOU SMELL LIKE FRENCH FRIES ALL THE TIME NOW

Will I understand the G7 summit if I haven’t seen the first 6

I miss the good ol’ days when you could say things like “I bet Mayor McCheese has a big dick” without getting canceled

I will be joining this soon if you’d like to watch and learn about bad movies (and a great charity)

I AM LIVE FOR THE NEXT 24 HOURS! WATCHING BAD MOVIES FOR THE NATIONAL IMMIGRANT JUSTICE CENTER! watch: twitch.tv/j_christie donate: tinyurl.com/jakestreamdonation

*sobbing quietly* a…a…acab

Why don't you make like a tree and sit alone in the forest slowly dying

How much tang could a wu tang tang if a wu tang could wu tang

Ladies and gentlemen, the world’s most expensive cuck chair

*me rolling the 4th Trojan horse into my backyard* maybe this time it will be filled with candy

If Charles Barkley walked past me on the street I would simply fall down and yell FOUL

When I die put two Oreo Double-Stuffed cookies on my eyes so hell knows a true warrior is coming

You don’t simply shove the ring up your own ass and walk into a volcano.

If I were a hobbit I would simply tell Gandalf to shove the ring up his own ass and walk into the volcano

ERNIE: let’s talk about that 1st half from Victor Wembanyama KENNY: he’s clearly struggling when- CHARLES: how did you learn to pronounce that ERNIE: what CHARLES: when I say it it sounds like Victor Windmills SHAQ: *pulls lapel mic up to mouth* Don Quixote CHARLES: which team is he on KENNY: I quit

Something I’ve always wanted to say is “Ladies and Gentlemen....KERMIT THE MOTHERFUCKING FROG!” but I can’t think of a situation where this is going to be appropriate

GUY IN CLUBHOUSE: so what’d you shoot JOHN WILKES BOOTH: … GAVRILO PRINCIP: … JOHN HINCKLEY JR: … ME: 69 JOHN WILKES BOOTH: nice GAVIN PRINCIP: nice JOHN HINCKLEY JR: nice

The only “locker room talk” I’m familiar with is everyone yelling at me for repeatedly shooting the basketball into the other team’s goal

If I were to make a team of elite superheroes I would simply not invite the guy whose only skill is shooting fancy arrows

[on couples date] NO YOU'RE A LIAR *I run out of restaurant crying* *wife sighs* I guess you couldn't know he thinks Air Bud is a true story

What the FUCK

There’s no way an incompetent desert farmer bumpkin wearing a bathrobe could fly a high tech star fighter and destroy the galaxy’s greatest weapon. Totally unbelievable.

For my money Smells Like Teen Spirit is the best song about smelling like teen spirit there is

Dining at a fine restaurant and sending every bottle of wine back because it’s “too woke”

Worst blunt rotation ever

Ask your doctor if repeatedly hitting yourself in the head with a hammer is right for you

What’s your favorite song about a total eclipse of the heart

JUDGE: you are accused of stealing over $1 million in hamburgers and hamburger related products, how do you plead HAMBURGLAR: robble robble DEFENSE ATTORNEY: *furiously whispering* I fucking told you not to say that

*does entire Indianapolis 500 with right blinker on*

THERAPIST: let’s get to know each other a little. Any hobbies? ME: I like music THERAPIST: *checks a box* Any genre? ME: pretty much anything good THERAPIST: *checks box* favorite band? ME: Imagine Dragons THERAPIST: *starts scribbling furiously in notebook*

*me gazing out upon the majestic beauty of nature as the sun crests the horizon casting warm light across the verdant fields* This is bullshit

The song Billie Jean is probably the best song about Billie Jean not being my lover there is

PROSECUTOR: so what you’re telling the court is that the building in question collapsed due to gross negligence on the part of the lead contractor SCOOP: that’s right BOB THE BUILDER: *starts sweating*

ME: you can’t just put “Mc” in front of anything and sell it. It just doesn’t work that way RONALD MCDONALD: *exhales a cloud of cigarette smoke* McKill him

What’s your favorite song about a Rhinestone Cowboy

Void? Y E S F R I E N D Can you answer a question? Y E S What's the meaning of life? L O O K B E H I N D Y O U There's nothing there. Oh.