Carry on Wayward Son has to be the best song about wayward sons carrying on there is

Starting to think that Cap’n Crunch Oops All Berries wasn’t actually a mistake and they planned to sell it all along

ME: why are cat’s noses cold? I mean if they were room temperature I’d get it. But cold? Do they have a tiny air conditioner in their heads? MY VET: please, I have a family

When the grim reaper deservedly comes for your ass but you escape somehow

Another one bites the dust

Jesus took me home to see his parents. This is my Mother Mary, he said. And this is Joseph. I said “nice to meet you both,” but I didn’t really mean it. I think he knew.

Actually the doctor was Frankenberry. You’re thinking of Frankenberry’s monster.

ME: I love ice. It keeps our drinks cold, you can play hockey on it, the dry kind is even great for Halloween AIDE: *comes up and whispers in my ear* ME: *clears throat* fuck ICE

SON: can you open this gogurt for me MY WIFE: please no ME: *running to get samurai sword* hell yes I can

My favorite part of the new Melania documentary is when she turns to the camera and says “you’ve been…thunderstruck” and then the song starts playing

*me challenging a group of teens to a pickup basketball game* who wants a game *I try to rip off my sweatpants but they're not tear away and I just tug at them until I fall down* I got next

Oh we're halfway there Oh oh running from a bear I pushed you down Accidentally I swear Oh oh eaten by a bear You were eaten by a bear

If I were President instead of running the country on authoritarian fascism I would simply go by vibes

I'm so tough I can wear shorts and a polo shirt and walk out into the sub zero temperatures and immediately die, and you're not

ME: I’m not mad I’m just disappointed SON: hi not mad just disappointed I’m your son ME: *tearing up* I take it back

Once again my documentary “BOFA: The Subtle Art of the Pwn Vol. 37” was not nominated for an Oscar

Going to buy Greenland with Kohl's cash, Denmark will never suspect anything

“What are you thinking about, Piglet.” said Pooh. Piglet paused. “Do you really want to know, Pooh?” “Oh yes I do,” said Pooh, “I so very much do.” “Well then,” said Piglet. “I wish you’d put on some fucking pants.”

*Trump pointing at a map of Smurfland he found on google* And this is Iceland, which is of critical importance to our security and stuff, it has ice which makes our drinks cold, and land, which we can build condos on, the greatest condos ever, we'll call them Trump Condos

If ghosts aren’t real then why did I just pay a guy dressed in a Ghostbuster outfit $10k to get rid of some? Checkmate atheists.

ME JOINING THE HIVE MIND: sup HIVE MIND: no thank you

Only good thing left of Twitter

MY WIFE: do you want to go to the store with me? ME: football MY WIFE: what ME: *eyes turn black* FOOTBALL

Maybe all of you have forgotten how important Greenland is to holding North America and its 7 bonus armies but Donald Trump has not 🇺🇸

Sending Nicolas Cage in to steal back the Nobel Peace Prize medal from Trump

WARDEN: do you have any last words CHICK-FIL-A COW: eat more chickin

ME: Is he going to make it? DOCTOR: No. I’m afraid he’s down with the sickness ME: *crying* oohwahahahah DOCTOR: *holds hand* oohwahahahah

Look, just because the US government looks like Nazis, quotes Nazis, endorses Nazis, and acts like Nazis, doesn’t mean they’re Nazis *holds hand to earpiece* I’m being told it does in fact mean they’re Nazis

Controversial counterpoint: don’t shoot babies

"What's that?" That's a T-Rex "That?" Pterodactyl "That one?" Apatosaurus "This?" That's Gary. He fucks the dinosaurs at night. *Gary waves*

ME: I just invested our life’s savings in updog coin WIFE: what’s updog ME: *sobbing* not much just going bankrupt and destroying our family what’s up with you

[time traveling back to 10000 B.C.] CAVEMAN: ook ook ook ME: *taking back can of Mt Dew Code Red from him* told you it was good

group chats be like ME: guys terrible news...my grandmather just died of cancer and when my parents were on their way to the hospital they were hit by a bus and killed MRGAY69: grandmather PANDAZRUL: grandmather MIKEMIKE420: F URMOM666: grandmather

ME: *opens door* yes? COP: *takes off hat* I’m afraid there’s been a baja blast

I guess his abacus is broken?

*slams buzzer so hard my arm goes through the podium*

If your current global standing is lower than North Korea’s, you have perhaps fucked up

Withdrawing my nomination for the 2026 FIFA Peace Prize

Invading Venezuela is Constitutional as long as you do it to distract from multiple scandals, a collapsing economy, and your imminent death. This is what the Founding Fathers intended

HOST: what did you bring Method Man? METHOD MAN: the pain HOST: how about you Anthrax? ANTHRAX: the noise HOST: Wu-Tang clan? WU-TANG CLAN: we brought da ruckus HOST: and you? ME: *throws green bean casserole into the trash* nothing sorry

The saddest thing about the Old MacDonald song is when you realize it’s all in past tense because he’s dead

If you tell me your new year’s resolutions I will do everything in my power to make sure you fail

DATE: I’m excited to go out tonight ME: you look kind of newpussycat DATE: what’s newpussycat? ME: whoa oh oh oh DATE: I just remembered I had plans to die tonight, sorry

FRIEND: happy new- ME: time is an artificial construct divided into units that measure our march towards death FRIEND: -year ME: you too

Fallout casting director (into megaphone): We're seeking about 3 dozen extras that look like their families have been locked underground for 200 years with little to no effort to prevent inbreeding. *points directly at a guy* You're in. (He starts crying.)

I went to a hibachi place last night and told a couple of dad jokes to the chef and he laughed but I could see in his eyes he wanted to stab me, and frankly I don’t blame him

DECEMBER 31ST: new year new me JANUARY 1ST: new year same me again

Me rehydrating on the sidelines during a football game

What about a QR code that sends you straight to HELL when you scan it

*interrupts carolers* There’s only one day of Christmas idiots