Philip Rivers ordering for his family at McDonald’s

Santa Claus is coming to town and he needs to crash on your couch, just for a few days man, and can he borrow $100

Did you guys know there’s a game called the game where you lose the game if you think about the game?

Does Jesus know he was born during Toyotathon

How the Grinch Stole the Death Star Plans and Gave Them to the Rebellion

Everyone agreed that Tigger was much better behaved since they started giving him Ritalin, but Pooh thought he smelled like death

DOCTOR: your tests show abnormally high levels of blood sugar, you have life threatening diabetes KOOL AID MAN: oh no

We regret to inform you that SpongeBob SquarePants has died from an acute case of dysentery. In lieu of flowers his family asks that you burn down a local Arby’s.

why does this willow tree figurine look like that girl from haunting of hill house

The average peasant living in the 1600s could not even finish an entire order of Chili’s baby back ribs

*stares up at sky* Looks like bullshit to me

WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe WISE MAN #2: frankincense WISE MAN #3: myrrh ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys

I shot a man in Reno for not wishing me a Happy Honda Days

MY WIFE: this isn’t going to work ME: *trying to karate chop down a pine tree* do not disgrace our dojo on Christmas

If the Beatles had spelled their name the Beetles they would’ve had a better shot at success, lost opportunity imho

dude looks like he's wearing a slipknot mask

Actually Frankenstein was the doctor, you’re thinking of Frankenstein’s monster truck

Workshop this one. All the funny parts are there.

DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby- ME: giraffe? DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy. ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me

What’s your angle? I ask the protractor. He’s being obtuse. I’m having acute paranoia. This can’t be right.

Just once I’d like an athlete to say “hail Satan” at the beginning of a post game interview, is that too much to ask

“You ever dropped acid?” *flashback to the chemistry class accident with my lab partner Gary “No Feet” Johnson* No

It was me. I sank the Edmund Fitzgerald. Sorry.

Commemorating Pearl Harbor by doing a surprise bombing on a Taco Bell bathroom

Apologies Your Honor, but I was told committing crimes was cool. Sorry you're a nerd *puts on sunglasses* Bang that hammer all you want man

RFK JR: you can no longer take that vaccine ME: that sounds bad RFK JR: instead...everyone will wang chung ME: oh maybe it's not so bad RFK JR: but not tonight ME: fuck this shit

911: 911 what’s your emergency ME: I’m stuck in a Pringles can 911: just relax your hand and pull it out ME: hand?

ME: [going to Australia] how much to fuck a kangaroo AUSTRALIAN: what? ME: Oh sorry. How much to fuck a kangaroo -mate-

I’m going to put a Burger King sign up at The Hague to lure Trump in

Let Pete Hegseth have a little war crime, just as a treat

Cat in a box

While not a medical doctor, Dr Pepper does hold a PhD in neoclassical literary theory and thus deserves our respect

Man goes to doctor. Says he's depressed. Says he feels awful like he's the worst person in the world. Says he wants to die. Doctor looks up and laughs and says at least you're not RFK Jr., that guy sucks. Man begins crying. But doctor he says, I am RFK Jr.

Least fire album cover ever

*builds time machine* *travels back to first Thanksgiving* *slaps cranberries out of pilgrim's hand* You're not making this a thing

TURKEY: gobble gobble ME: *being held back by my wife* MY DICK IS NORMAL SIZED YOU MOTHERFUCKER

FRIEND: how was your Thanksgiving MY WIFE: not good FRIEND: what happened? MY WIFE: *points at me* he tried to carve the turkey with a sword ME: IT’S CALLED A KATANA

DEFENSE LAWYER: *whispering* whatever you do don’t say you’re guilty KOOL AID MAN: *nods* PROSECUTOR: did you do it? KOOL AID MAN: OH YEAH

What’s your favorite song about the wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald

What’s your favorite song about wishing a friend would step back from a ledge?

*mechanic wipes his hands on a rag* Well, there’s your trouble *points to a lifetime of crippling depression and anxiety*

PERSON GASPING FOR AIR: *pushes epi pen into my hand* ME: I said no autographs

Cookie Monster is just thicc Grover

Take on cheese (Take on cheese) Take brie on (Take on cheese) Camembert And fromage

TRUMP: lets play chess JD VANCE: sure TRUMP: my horse guy flies across the board and hits your king in the face. I win JD VANCE: excellent game, sir

Overpaid CEOs?

DOCTOR: *walks into waiting room* I'm sorry, he didn't make it MY WIFE: What happened? DOCTOR: The surgery was a success so we poured Gatorade over him and that killed him MY WIFE: *sobbing* that's the same way his dad went

*sees someone eating a piece of 14-grain toast* My bread has 15 grains but no big deal

I'm not sure this is true

MARGARET: Are you there God, it's me, Margaret GOD: I have a boyfriend