pronouncing huge like luge

(new guy alert) staunch subway guy - thinks it's cowardly to order for pickup because it bypasses having to pick out toppings and watch the sandwich artist make your sub

we need to figure out new body parts and organs that we can harm with drugs and chemicals immediately or risk plateauing as a species

my jungle records shipped 😈

when a store owner is like "you know what i'm gonna do for you?" you just know you're about to get the paltriest discount

these are the brakes

(mafia type) ey is dis guy for realsies?

releasing one album = can't stay too late gotta get home early releasing two albums = i have a doctor's appointment releasing three albums = in outer space

seems like friday today

seeing some unrelated posts about bones on here. probably nothing

you're the dentist and they keep pausing to check a youtube video on the procedure

saw an ad for a company named TAUCK so i'll be muttering that to myself around the house if that's ok with everone

Learned a lot today.

(jennifer voice) my body...

three ig ads in a row soon. like so so soon

I said "you cheapskate" out loud in the bathroom after the paper towel dispenser shorted me and a guy in the stall laughed

when someone knows what something is i'm like damn how did they find out..

why are they always spraying airplanes with the big hose. do the planes get a say

It has to be

List of two word phrases that should be one word: 1. Can't think of any right now it's more of an as you go thing

Rip melipone

i am very hungry but i must eat a small lunch

My scallions from Tuesday were still in the office fridge

Incredible. AI is foiled by simply asking "what are those little guys called"

the world may change but brown paper towels will always smell like that

any time i find myself in a stairwell i always think of The Fugitive

cutting fresh scallion over my lunch to flex on coworkers

work is canceled tomorrow just hang out and do whatever

advertising is trying to get me but i am staying strong

what are goombas called in italian versions of mario games

I need to talk to whoever decided humans require eight hours of sleep every night because why would you start negotiations so low?

it's a good thing i have a kid that takes up most of the money i make otherwise i would entirely bankrupt myself purchasing a conveyor belt or belzona industrial protective coating off instagram

learning

one of the best types of emails is the "we're so so sorry we had to email you a second time" email

i am getting really good at spending $30

misspelled conversion as "conversino" and now i'm getting ideas

most questions posed online can be boiled down to "you tell me what i like"

The chair I just assembled came with white gloves so I'm just wearing them now. I have entered my password incorrectly fifteen times

Officer it was the strangest thing, I kept pressing my foot on the gas pedal and the car went faster—right past the speed limit

"being mean" to websites (rejecting cookies)

what are some new problems we could create

(guy complementing a reply to a post) deep cut. Nice work

after smonking every day for about twenty five years i can safely say that 4/20 is...still pretty fun! have a good day everone 🍃

you know i keep that thang on me

writing a program that beats video game levels for you if they're too hard. open to collaboration

Annette Gain

CYPHER: I know this steak doesn't exist... Ignorance is bliss... NEO (BEEN TAKING SPANISH ON DUOLINGO FOR THE LAST 3 WEEKS): carne asada...

the things that i enjoy are good and the things that you enjoy have just become illegal, ah

they should really call green tea brown tea. if your reply contains the word 'oxidation' i'm blocking you

Outside napkins at the place: thank god these exist this is basically gold Outside napkins at home: throw that filthy trash away!