howling at the listing details for the absolute messiest house I have ever seen on realtor

home† is where the heart†† is † - pump †† - pain

Gentleman Sklub

played myself on today

Forget the Strait of Hormuz and grab a Plate of Hormel! It's chili night #chili #beans #iran

grandpa tell us again how you weren't able to bet on everything when you were little

creating and booking one hour to a new time tracking task at work called "figuring out what to get for lunch"

Taking the day off work to figure out a new hair brush I got

white people be like "hey, paul? yeah it's me, steve"

We're making toilet paper LOUD! Click the link in my bio for 25% off!

i love combining two of my favorite things. for example, combining and things

peanut butter nosebleed

come to ri to see dropdead with me on 4/10 imo

new energy drink "gorilla mind" has actual pieces of gorilla in it how is this legal

I will be the first American to measure the speed of water

just saved the absolute worst draft 😇

dinner

my name is Duncan Donuts

lizid milk

friendyl reminder :)

this is the best website that sucks

(after looking at the time) I thought it was around now

the j i left on the porch last night is probably still there

words to live by

bolting upright in the middle of the night remembering that jojo siwa exists

(me using one of my son's pipe cleaners to clean an actual pipe) whoa

(any time my wife is watching tv) what's she from? she's from something

deedee...... megadoodoo

Whoa-oh We're halfway there WHOA-OH

lyft has updated their user agreements and i think that's beautiful 🥰

smoke two joince in the morning,

putting a bunch of stuff into water then drinking the water

my sandwich came with gravy on the side and i drank the gravy

does anyone know if we have to do dinner again tonight

it's today again

For tonight's Valentine meal we'll be having dinner

I love to quickly drink ten ounces of water

now you've done it!

pulling out a 16" long spoon for my chili crisp

some hyraxes

do websites know when i'm "being nice" to them (disabling ad block)

rubbing your wrists after they take the handcuffs off must feel so good if you're a criminal

(olypmics announcer) Mortal men and women defending your own world; the essence of Mortal Kombat is not about death, but life!

the human brain is capable of conjuring powerful images

i'm always covering my tracks after eating lunch at work because somebody might walk by and go ewww this mf was eatin FOOD!!!!

my idea is double stuf thin oreos

Well it's happening, my step dad is moving all of his ladders and stools into our house today

I bought this mask online and tried it on in the bathroom at work

it's gonna be cold, it's gonna be grey, and it's gonna be streaming on doopi with ads for the rest of the day

just learned that I'm related to a guy from throughout history. Now to monetize this