trying to even out the strings on my hoodie: a memoir

Waitress: how do you take your coffee Me, A Bluesky Idiot: with my hand

the letter A was invented when a V did a handstand and its pants fell down

If you can't handle me at my worst (crying in the shower), you don't deserve me at my best (crying in the shower while eating cake)

ever eat a kid’s meal at a restaurant, then get beat up by their parents

*electric toothbrush stops working* oh shit what do i do now

[at my second rodeo] listen up you ignorant sack of shit

[spelling bee] JUDGE: your word is vacuum KID: v… KID: a… KID: c… KID: u… KID: KID: KID: KID: KID: um… JUDGE: correct

[alphabet committee] BOSS: what are the vowels DESIGNER: a e i o and u BOSS: sometimes i think we need another one DESIGNER: why BOSS: ok

WAITER: anything to drink ME: i’ll have a coke WAITER & ME AT THE SAME TIME: is pepsi okay ME: jinx you owe me a coke WAITER: but- ME: i don’t make the rules sir

Trump is going to designate IKEA a terrorist organization.

ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can't float around anymore

happy birthday @danmentos.com

[restaurant] me: if it's a boy let's call him Barry her: ok waiter: good evening me: good evening Barry

me: another day another dollar coworker: haha you said it boss: *pulls me aside* it’s against policy to disclose your salary

me to man that saved my life: your quick thinking saved our lives skydive instructor: again, everything that happened was supposed to happen

me: good morning Killbot killbot: good morning sir, shall i kill you this morning sir or prepare a smoothie me: smoothie please killbot: excellent choice sir i shall try again tomorrow

any sale is a back to school sale if you're [deep sigh] if you're facing away from a school

Friend: Are you growing your hair out? Me: Honestly I have no idea. I never thought I'd live this long

*let's a car on a side street pull out in front of me* oh yeah payin it forward i'm a god damn saint *a second car sneaks in after the first one* Ｉ ＷＩＬＬ ＦＵＣＫＩＮＧ ＥＮＤ ＹＯＵ

[party] HOST: why are you in my bed ME: you said i could use the restroom

I’m not autistic, I’m acetaminodivergent.

I get that the news cycle is packed right now, but I just heard from a colleague at the Smithsonian that this is fully a GIANT SQUID BEING EATEN BY A SPERM WHALE and it’s possibly the first ever confirmed video according to a friend at NOAA 10 YEAR OLD ME IS LOSING HER MIND (a thread 🧵)

ladies if he’s a matador that is a huge red flag

ME: do you know the french word for goodbye WIFE: adieu ME: what is it then

GPS: turn left now ME: but cars are coming GPS: NOW i said

date: what are you thinking about me: fall should be spelled fa// date: me: date: fell should be spelled fe_ _ *we kiss*

happy bday @kattsdogma.bsky.social ! #FF

teacher: your son is all thumbs, has 2 left feet & seems to have eyes on the back of his head. but his heart’s in the right place, i guess picasso’s mom: what

just like you guys, i put my pants on one leg at a time, leaning against a wall, losing my balance, falling to my knees, yelling “FUCK”, rolling over onto my butt, turning back onto my knees, trying to get back up, grabbing the TV stand for support, attempting to catch the TV, yelling “FUCK” again,

As I was saying…

I just walked up to a guy at work and said, “Hey Glen?” and he said, “It’s Glenn,” and I have no idea how he knows I missed the second, silent N.

ME: why does the “p” in “up” point down and the “d” in “down” point up lol ANGEL (to Devil): he’s onto us

mentally ill implies the existence of womenshorty healthy

ATTENTION PARENTS: is your child texting about the Rapture? KNOW THE SIGNS: LOL: left on land WTF: where’s the family ROFL: rapture only for losers OMG: oh ma geddon

the hyuckleberry is the goofiest of all the berries

so when does the raptu

i am not going to smother my child. since i am a dad i believe it is called sfathering

I wish the rapture would happen but just to people who believe in the rapture

do clothes get left behind

*getting raptured* this could have been an e m a i l

your honor we only said tylenol because the president couldn’t pronounce “acetaminophen”

ME: a surgeon is a person who performs surgery so a sturgeon is a fish that performs sturgery AQUARIUM TOUR GUIDE: for the last time there's no such thing as sturgery ME: (to the rest of the tour) don't listen to him he's an anti-sturger

getting raptured while napping under a tree and hitting my head on every limb on the way up

the makers of tylenol should sue and make them prove it

[end of date] DATE: so will you text me later ME: (assuming i will text the word “me” to someone at some point in the future) yeah sure

Interviewer: What are you looking for in a job? Me: A 3-minute montage where I end up rich

STEPHEN MILLER: you have no idea what you have awakened. we will save the West. we will turn darkness into light. we will rise like a phoenix from the pit of fire and EVERYONE ELSE AT THE DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS GAME TABLE: ROLL THE FUCKING DIE ALREADY

Nice post you got there, it'd be a shame if I deliberately missed your point so I could be tedious about it

whenever I sleep over at my best friend’s house, her 4yo son always comes to my room (sometimes in the middle of the night) to lend me one of his stuffies 🥹 he is the only person in this world who truly loves me