if you’re enjoying Math Cop here’s a link to all of them if you don’t like Math Cop then you’re going to really hate Pun Cop (coming soon) bsky.app/profile/did:...

Good Cop: i’ll let you off with a warning Math Cop: it was a minor in-fraction

If the guy who wrote the nursery rhyme about blackbirds baked in a pie also wrote RENT: 🎶 600 and 5,000 and 20,000 and 500,000 minutes

FRIEND: Try to relate to her. (Later on Date) ME: *nervously* Can I be your cousin?

Best Upsidedown Numbers: 8 0 X (roman) 6 9 69 (ǝɔᴉu)

i petted the cat against the grain and it said woem

me when I see a dog: 🫳

god damnit I found myself living in a shotgun shack

FARMER: come on guys we're gonna be late HORSE: we better hoof it COW: we better moove it RABBIT: we better hop to it PEACOCK: we better hightail it DUCK: we better get quackin’ CHICKEN: we better peck up the pace

whenever you spell donut you make a little donut. same with bagol

Good Cop: jaywalking is prohibited Math Cop: you have to cross at the intersection

“You could lose access to 6 years of your Gmail history” man I would like to lose access to the last 6 years of all history get out of here

Deja mew

ALANIS: would she go down on you in a theater? ME: that’s actually not a huge priority for me

ME: time to sleep BRAIN: the existence of kool-aid man implies the existence of someone who at some point fucked kool-aid

I believe that the assassination attempts on Trump have been real and not some planned conspiracy but if a pollster asked me about it i would absolutely say I'm sure they're fake because fuck Trump. I'm picking the "fuck Trump" response to every single question

and he has the penises to prove it

[fancy hotel] ME: do you have turn-down service CONCIERGE: sorry no ME: thank you

might fuck around later and back into a parking space

too many stupid people have money; that's why I'm launching protein cigarettes

Good Cop: you need to stay off the median Math Cop: we mean it

MICK JAGGER: hey you, get off of my cloud GRUMPY BEAR OF THE CARE BEARS: [turns around] the fuck did you just say

ME: you remind me of my mother WIFE: *chewing food and spitting it into my mouth* how so

Don't forget to wish the seahorse dads a happy Mother's Day.

happy mother’s day mom, sorry about the pelvic floor thing

Just realized how crazy a coincidence it is that Achilles' Achilles' heel was his heel. What are the odds of that

MOTHER SQUIRREL: *pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to step into the street* junior no! you have to wait for a car to come

*gets mother out of the attic*

was there a french chef on the cruise ship

marjorie taylor green can get fucked for all eternity, what is wrong with people

JOHNNY APPLESEED: fuck doctors

[date] her: I’m a librarian me: lol astrology isn’t real

for of all the hobbits freudo was the one who loved his mother the most

Just once, I’d like to be at the beginning of my rope.

Carl’s Jr is the attorneys general of fast food chains

Good Cop: looks like a really bad accident Math Cop: that car is totaled

Take me down to Poltergeist City where the ghosts all scream and the ghouls are pretty (scary)

ME: what is an IV for ROMAN: yes

i always double-check my math just to test my resolve . folks,,

INVENTOR OF THE KNIFE: this is the greatest thing since torn bread

Coworker: is this AI? *shows me a video of MLK Jr. issuing the Stone Cold Stunner to The Undertaker before flicking him off* Me: no, that happened

JAMES BOND: bond. james bond BAD GUY: well well well, mr. bond JAMES BOND: nice to meet you mr. well

you mess with the bull you get the horns. you mess with the goat you get the woodwinds. the horse has the string section and the rabbit is on percussion

MIKE: life gave me hard lemons

[winter stakeout] Good Cop: i can't feel my fingers Math Cop: my digits are number

why rooster and not alarm cock

[first day as a firefighter] *burns fists*

Ya like tshirt cannons? Man, you're gonna love the pantyhose

god forbid a French rat live out his dream of becoming a chef on a cruiseship

Hello doctor, I think I have hauntavirus and my blood is full of hemogoblins