your crush wants you to drink water

34,000 signing up for this work AFTER seeing their fellow citizens gunned down by federal thugs in cold blood? I'm chugging whatever the opposite of doomerism is

wamb wamb

remember, if trump can sue the IRS for ten billion dollars of taxpayer money then he could sue you for oh wait he already is

A melania screening sounds like something health insurance covers under preventative care.

ME: i’ll have a coke WAITER: is pepsi ok ME: yes WAITER: say cpepsie then

[cop questioning me about a robbery in the walmart clothing section] where were you two nights ago? [me wearing a pajama top that says time to wine down] work I think

epstein email: sory for th typos a 14 yr odl is givng me a bj

SCREAM: do you have a girlfriend OTHER SCREAM: yeah but you don’t know her she goes to a different void

It's national croissant day. Have you rolled around in butter and curled up like a "c" to celebrate yet?

[in a nursing home] 99 yr old: *snickers* Nerds 97 yr old: *chuckles* Dum Dums

just choked on my beverage

I mean this is fine, right?

Whoever came up with "penny for your thoughts," "don't nickel and dime me," and "another day another dollar" sure knew how to coin a phrase.

maybe it would be easier to list who isn’t in the epstein files

nostalgic for when news was just one new

WIFE: what do you want to do tonight ME: i would like to see bug on ya WIFE: don’t you mean bugonia ME: *releasing murder hornet* no

Shall I compare thee to a fucking jerk

I went to a costume party dressed as a ticket to the Melania movie but nobody's buyin it

reminder that a small handful of Republicans in the House and Senate could end this madness today

I feel like the word “efficient” could be spelled more efficiently

Cop: do you know how fast you were going? My grandpa who should have stopped driving 15 years ago: thanks I'll have the mashed potatoes

every republican leader is a terminally online clout chaser and every democratic leader is still trying to figure out aol dialup

ME: *takes long drag off cigarette and looks out toward the horizon* i haven't smoCOUGH COUGH COUGH HACK HACH COF KAFKAF HACK COUGH KAF KAF HAC COUGH COF KAFKAF KAF HACH KAF COUGH HAK KAF KAF KOF KOF KOF KOF HAGH KOF KOF KOF KOF KAF KOF KOF KOF KAF KOF COUGH KOF KOF KOF KAF KAF HAK KA

[aquarium] ME: ooh look at the chorse WIFE: it’s seahorse ME: i know how to spell chorse linda

honey bunches of omg

what do you mean it’s still january

*playing stardew valley* wow i wish farming was real

SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have SCOOBY DOO: rabies SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant

my favorite part of the melania movie is when dorothy’s house falls on her

25 of the funniest posts we’ve seen on Bluesky this week www.thepoke.com/2026/01/28/2...

It's doomsday o'clock somewhere

*flicks cigarette butt after taking a long drag* here’s the thing- [there is a massive explosion because i forgot i’m at a gas station]

BREAKING NEWS:

SUPERMAN: I have super strength FLASH: I have super speed AQUAMAN: I control sea creatures GREEN ARROW: I tell cars when to turn left

ME: hi i’m here for literal club WORKER: *holding clipboard* what is your name ME: no it isn't

Looks like I picked the wrong week to stop disassociating.

BREAKING: border patrol chief Greg Bovino to be replaced by Stuart Little

[On a date] you wouldn't believe how many HDMI cables I have

Still disappointed that "alleged" doesn't mean "with legs"

It is being reported that Greg Bovino has been trampled by a medium-sized dog, he is said to be recuperating in an American Girl-branded doll bed

border patrol chief Greg Bovino steals balloon from child and floats away like the house in Up

Border Patrol chief Greg Bovino discovered to have been one child in a trenchcoat

Downfall Bovino Edition. You're welcome.

they told bovino ice was downsizing

Shorts fired

MINNESOTA FOR PRESIDENT 2028

INTERVIEWER: what is your greatest strength ME: i go berserk whenever i hear an oxymoron INTERVIEWER: wouldn’t that be your greatest weakness ME: *lunges across desk*