Hilly Michaels RIP i remember this video like it was yesterday, a pop masterpiece

Happy Halloween (Orthodox)

there should be a Dumb Jeopardy

that moment when your foot itches while you're driving and you can't reach it so you have to take your shoe off to scratch it and then you have to drive with one sock foot and the brake pedal feels weird

if today is Friday then this is tonight

welcome back. if you're just joining us, nazis are defending pedophiles

sure sex is good but have you ever had Sugar Mountain by Neil Young playing in your head on a loop for days and making you so fucking sad you want to kill yourself

well, there's nothing in the rule book that says Pluto can't have huge tits

we don't need batman, we need everett true

Chicago's favorite jeweler? Gotta be De Beers

i'm hosting HOT BISCUITS with a fantastic lineup this Friday at The Stray Theater (née Fake Gallery) on Melrose if you're into that sort of thing

Tricky's followup to Maxinquaye was Nearly God and they are both stone cold masterpieces

i'm stand-upping at THE PUNCH LINE in San Francisco with Dana Gould on November 20-22 if you're into that sort of thing @danagould.bsky.social

you're only allowed to call it Irritable Bowel Syndrome if it's from the Irritable Bowel Syndrome region of France

democrats winning would cut into their fundraising

incense, wine AND candles? in this economy?

This is TODAY. #LosAngeles #comics fans, creators, and soon-to-be-creators COME TO *REVENGE OF* IN EAGLE ROCK 11am — ??

I LEARNED THE ANSWER TO THIS Chris's Steakhouse was a New Orleans landmark Chris Matulich periodically got bored, sold it, waited for the new owner to fail, and bought it back cheap The sale conditions: Can't move it, can't change the name He did this six times Then he sold it to Ruth Fertel

(youth pastor voice) you know who else had a RADAR PUT A MASK ON

the best thing about a Fleshlight is it doesn't cut your dick up like a real flashlight

(Fred Schneider voice) when I was a child I had a FEVER, my hands felt just like two BALLOONS

well, there's nothing in the rule book that says a dog can't fuck a cat while i watch and beat my meat like it owes me money

today is my comedy birthday, i'm 40 (farts cloud of bone dust)

i'm hosting LUCHA VAVOOM with special guest DREW CAREY at the Fox Theater in Pomona this Saturday November 8 if you're into that sort of thing @drewfromtv.bsky.social

quick get MAD TV back on the air so i can pitch Weyland-Yutani and Madame

i saw Whiskeytown at Bumbershoot back in the '90s and they were one of the worst bands i have ever seen in my life

i hope the five new bananas didn't see me throwing out the four old bananas

people would rather be governed than ruled

Dick Cheney died doing what he loved... fucking Charlie Kirk's widow

if today is Sunday then this is tonight

Hello trick & treaters! This Sunday, November 2 - 7pm FOR WHAT IT'S WORTH - Music Comedy Game Show Hosted by @murrayv.bsky.social I'm on the panel along w @blainecapatch.bsky.social & @katcorbett.bsky.social Tix: improv.com/hollywood/ev...

goddammit i have to work late in the lab tonight

hey maybe don't put three big K's on your billboard

The English Beat keeps popping up on my algoriddim

pinch-hitting for Ohtani tonight while he does a set at the Store

we need to lure Elton John and Cookie Monster into the transporter room so we can turn them back into one person

i'm doing a thing on FUNCHADELIC with Ron Funches at the Hollywood Improv Lab this Sunday at 7 if you're into that sort of thing

every sports team is a Ship of Theseus

crows hop like they stepped on a Lego

🎶 Yorba Linda, Yorba Linda men have named you 🎶

they say Casper is the ghost of Richie Rich but Richie Rich’s ghost is said to haunt the sitting room of the brothel where he and his father were murdered, their heads bashed in with the madame’s whetstone

we need to see a picture of Susan Collins's back

me: thirty bucks for two single combos, are you fucking kidding me employee: sir this is a Wendy's

Pasadena Model Railroad Museum: Come for the live performances, stay for the restroom!

are you telling me a Pabst blew this ribbon

Pumpkin Spice Latte: what if you could drink a Things Remembered

hey does anybody want to buy some huge jewels i found

enjoying your weekend in Australia? thank a bloomin' union