happy first birthday to these beautiful little maniacs

i am on this show

Asimov's Fourth Law of Robotics: Have fun!

touchscreen controls should be illegal and digital gauges are a ripoff

i am on this D&D show, it premieres tonight at 7 and streams every Wednesday on Beacon

thinking about starting to wear giant sunglasses all the time like Graham Parker or the Spacehog guy

why are they called the US Olympic Men's Ice Hockey Team and not the Mighty Milkshake Ducks

great thread

Nina Simone's birthday is a great reason to watch Summer Of Soul

Other than that, Mrs Lincoln, how were the Porn Awards

Not heard much from Moo Deng about the deficit? Interesting what fame can do to someone

Godzilla's real name: Carmine Gardzilowicz

"You're not coming out here to hunt, are you?"

i'm stand-upping on the Ron Funches FUNCHADELIC show at the Improv tonight if you're into that sort of thing

tonight i'm hosting LUCHA VAVOOM at the Fox Theater in Pomona if you need a last-minute Valentine thing

Ron Perlman was behind me in line at a flower shop on Valentine's Day

it's never too late to watch all four seasons of The Righteous Gemstones, what a brilliant show

wow Tremfya really did a number on my intestinal vines

why should i give a shit about a country that can't even open a Hardee's in Los Angeles

i have to fast for a blood test... 75 in a school zone ought to do it

(opens envelope) goddammit i'm the new quarterback for the New England Patriots

i am doing a thing on this show

a big FUCK YOU to Charles Dickens on his birthday for being an absolute piece of monster shit to his wife

Hootie in the streets, Blowfish in the sheets

quick get MAD TV back on the air so I can pitch Schlong Stung Blue

i'm stand-upping at the THROCKMORTON THEATRE in Mill Valley tomorrow night (Tuesday) if you're into that sort of thing

we went to the Smoke House last night and everybody there looked like they were in the Billy Joel documentary

Chomsky was always a hack "government is bad, corporations are bad" hey no shit Dick Tracy

My roundabout Catherine O'Hara story. In 2000, I worked for HBO's Aspen Comedy Festival. We had some particularly great reunions/special events that year: SCTV, Smothers Brothers, a Jerry Lewis interview moderated by Martin Short. I watched from the wings, as did Catherine. You may have heard about

i watched the Challenger explosion in the morning and drove down to an open mic at the Richmond Comedy Club that night, the owner got all the comics together before the show and said if anybody did a shuttle joke they would never work for her the crowd was screaming for shuttle jokes

Heartiest of heartfelt birthday wishes to @pattonoswalt.bsky.social today. Thinking back to the time he and @blainecapatch.bsky.social predicted our captalist dystopia way back in the '90s! youtu.be/MzPpGDI3GRk

you hear stories about Milton Berle's huge penis but you never hear about his wife's Saturn V Assembly Building of a vagina

Shorts fired

hey lay off Bovino he's about to be enlarged and injected into a scientist

hey lay off Bovino he's being sued by Stuart Little for copyright infringement

hey lay off Bovino he's trying to avoid a chimp that keeps shoving a stick into his mound

hey lay off Bovino a dog sneezed and blew him into a bowl of cereal

working on some Bovino jokes, i'll try to keep them short

hey lay off Bovino he's fighting off a spider with a pencil

me: i had to have updog put down you: what's updog me (crying): my best friend

quick get MAD TV back on the air so i can pitch Was That Thing On?

GENIE: you have one wish left ME: can i wish for more wishes GENIE: no ME: then i wish for a genie who can give me more wishes

cop: drop the gun and don't do anything funny me (Borat voice): my wife cop: okay now the gun

my neighbor's smoke detector is beeping three times every thirty seconds to let me know it's safe to keep writing

the clock is ticking on this paper straw

quick get MAD TV back on the air so I can pitch The Odd Throuple

BREAKING: Trump transferring consciousness into Vance's baby

me: i wish i never had to get my hair cut ever again genie: okay but you know i could, like, kill you tonight, or turn your hair into stone or do something ironic like that me: i don't want to deal with your genie bullshit right now, just do the fucking hair thing genie: me: genie: are you mad