living in this country is like being awake on the table

quick get MAD TV back on the air so i can pitch Charlie's Biblically Correct Angels

still writing MISTER POLICE YOU COULD HAVE SAVED HER I GAVE YOU ALL THE CLUES on my checks

New Year's Eve just hasn't been the same since New Year's Steve died

important thread

TOP TEN TOP TEN LISTS OF 2025: Top Ten Things I Wish I Had Worn To This Party Instead Top Ten Times I Thought I Had Gingko Berries On My Shoe Top Ten Starbucks Restroom Codes Top Ten Times I Tried To Typw wHull i wss drviing Top Ten Things I Should Have Said When I Saw Leslie

selling Sting a new Kia Stinger and him not appreciating me pointing out the similarities in their names

just got a notification from my TushyCam that says there's someone at my back door

across to the hospital, down to fuck

LIFE HACK! don't say you were jacking off when you were at Haunted House

Kid A playing in this coffee shop has me the opposite of pumped

don't forget to set your clocks back tonight

David Ontertainment Russell

🎶 there must have been some magic in that old silk hat they found / for when they placed it on his head he began to reproduce 🎶

quick get MAD TV back on the air so i can pitch Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Mister Lawrence

quick get MAD TV back on the air so i can pitch Merry Christmas, Mister Lawrence Hilton-Jacobs

quick get MAD TV back on the air so i can pitch Merry Christmas, Vicki Lawrence

if they had just shown it on 60 Minutes nobody would have seen it

quick get MAD TV back on the air so i can pitch Shingles All the Way

As you wish bsky.app/profile/disn...

🎶 I saw Mommy blow the Sparkletts guy 🎶

quick get MAD TV back on the air in Canada so i can pitch Knives Oot

find someone who looks at you the way a boomer looks at a delivery robot

hey Quinn i spotted you backstage at the BroadStage in Santa Monica @quinncy.bsky.social

spilled a soda on my compu r sk me nyth ng

the republican obsession with trans people is creepy and fucked up

you've heard of Elf on the Shelf but are you ready for Elf Shit Behind Your Books

the Amish aren't into feet pics because they think the camera captures their soles

operator: Suicide Hotline me: yes hi i accidentally listened to a Sufjan Stevens Christmas song operator: oh my god hold on let me get my supervisor

Bill Paxton in the streets, Bill Pullman in the sheets

caveman: i never got closure with my family therapist: yeah, you got FROZURE! caveman: therapist: as in "froze your" ass off for sixty thousand years caveman: therapist: caveman: also i'm afraid of cars

Trump is a great president the way the Great Depression was a great depression

the fuck is this shit

(youth pastor voice) you know who else impregnated a virgin? Damone from Fast Times at Ridgemont High

remember the scene in Die Hard where Bruce Willis gives the guy a watch for Christmas

if today is Saturday then this is tonight

t’s obvious the artist had never seen a real dragon

I'm feeling grumpy, so in an attempt to change that I am posting these old fake Antiques Roadshow pictures that make me laugh

i'm doing Story Smash this Saturday night at the Lyric Hyperion and it's always fun, please come if you can

my ten best movies of the 21st century: The French Toaster All About Shithead Escape from Skechers Factory Outlet Turduckenado Quick Quick My Intestine Big Throuple in Little China Cereal Aisle Throwdown Zagat Guide to Schenectady Area Kia Dealers 2 Wait 2 What The French Toaster Meets Cloverfield

i hope they spell Zebra Popcornopolis correctly on my death certificate

Lululemon. Drawing attention to your body's moisture since 1998™

please help one of my best friends on the planet avoid homelessness if you have anything to share today #givingtuesday gofund.me/9f76c12c5

Blaine and a squirrel switch bodies when a magic comet passes overhead but then they both get spooked by a dog and hit by cars... on an all-new BLAINE!

i've named my fists Holmes and Yo-Yo because one of them is a robot played by John Schuck

i am on this show

saying goodbye to Tom Stoppard tonight

they say a dog's mouth is cleaner than a human's mouth but i'm still not putting my dick in one

a turducken is a chicken stuffed into a duck stuffed into a turd