We can’t just immediately dismiss anyone who previously got a nazi tattoo. If i did that i wouldn’t have my one friend who’s a little bit racist. Or my other friend who’s a little bit racist. Or my other friend who’s a lot racist. Or that one friend who killed a girl and buried her in his backyard.

it’s gonna be like three big boats stuck and a billionaire submarine implosion rolled into one on this app when they are finally forced to announce mcconnells death

i hope this email finds you in a puddle of your own tears

[watching the downfall of the American empire] okay but how can i make this about me

asking the guy working at the bookstore what he recommends for older fans of eric carle and dr. suess

if there was ever a time to be alive i’d say it was about 11:30

just got hired to be the guy that wears mitch mcconnell’s skinsuit until his death doesn’t require a special election

[looking at my tattoos to make sure I’m not cancelable] god i hope gengar doesn’t get himself into any scandals

it’s called soccer because they kick a soccer ball but they didn’t call it soccerball because that just sounds ridiculous

look i can forgive the nazi tattoo and the sexual assault allegations and even the murder, but i draw the line at dropping out of the race too late to find a replacement

uploading mitch mcconnell’s consciousness to the cloud and building a 60,000 square foot data center to house him

if i was going to get an awful tattoo before running a failed campaign for political office it’d be jesus on the cross but he’s wearing an Uncle Sam outfit

[trying to blend in] how bout those uhhhh goals?

literally me

the WEATHER was created by the DEVIL to dull the spirits of TRUE AMERICAN PATRIOTS

🕯️ 🕯️ 🕯️ The thing 🕯️ 🕯️ happening 🕯️ 🕯️mid-July 4th 🕯️ 🕯️ speech 🕯️ 🕯️ 🕯️

Damn what’d y’all do to Stephen lmao

Half of TikTok is now just people reading y’alls tweets to an audience with too short of an attention span to read for themselves

Communists say there’s no way that Trump could possibly give a five hour outdoor speech tomorrow

The red scare really did a number on the US

is this good

proposing legislation to ban the 10 year old that throws a 65 mph fastball because it’s an unfair advantage

Fuck this and fuck Sony

[app that has already allowed your personal information to be exposed voice] hey can we see your ID?

Wow if only there was some sort of social safety net so everyone who felt this way could feel comfortable in their recovery. Wonder what Rep. Kean’s thoughts are on that.

Trump take fair

For every $1000 t-shirt purchase I will expose one grifter

my wife always tells me horror stories about guys in the ER that start just like this

We should settle all wars with sportsball instead

watched an umpire get a concussion by taking a pitch straight to the top of his head today so that was pretty wild

Had McDonalds twice today and after the second time the lady at the window called me bourgeoisie scum

Absolutely horrid day to be literate

Fuck Chris Kyle, the real American Sniper will be the fella who [THE REST OF THIS POST HAS BEEN REDACTED FOR LEGAL REASONS]

Thought this was the disc horse bot

Listen up commies, Democrats don’t want your kind in our party. We want Meghan McCain and Tucker Carlson.

[after getting my ass beat] you better say you’re sorry

Vote blue no matter who. No that’s navy. No that‘s cerulean. No that’s teal. No tha-

If you don’t like the Democrats start your own party. If you don’t like America start your own country. If you don’t like your home burn it down and build another. There is no fixing things, only fucking off and starting fresh.

Voters: Taxes should help people, not corporations Economists: Commies! The whole lot of ya!

The Democratic Party is nearly 200 years old you didn’t do anything

me watching new yorkers celebrate today’s election results from indiana

imagine going to prison and some fella asking what you’re in for and you have to respond “i was touching some water”

Me leaving work: Oh boy I can’t wait to be home Me walking in the front door to the smell of dog shit: Wait

This has got to be some sort of sham marriage and you can’t convince me otherwise

RFK Jr spotted pulling dead ducks from the reflecting pool, claims “they’ll make a damn good dinner”

[while paying my bills by doing various bottle flips on tiktok] get a real job you bums

God doing everything he can to spite this man for his bigotry

We’re going to create a swamp. Then we’re going to drain it. Into a river. And make a bigger swamp. And then maybe we‘ll drain that one? Idk I lost track.

San Francisco Giants starter Landon Roupp announces his retirement after being told this season has been his coming out party