*guy cheering on nuclear war voice* why aren’t people having babies?

loved that part in the Bible where Jesus incinerated the money handlers

boss just informed me that we do, in fact, have to come to work in the event of nuclear war

ever since i was a wee tot i knew i wanted to see horrors beyond my comprehension

Me: *has every atom of my being incinerated by a nuclear blast* Collection Agency: When do you plan on paying your $200 medical bill?

Sallie Mae be like “Hey we need you to start paying your $100/month again so the president can murder a country”

if i got nailed three times in a row it’d probably take me a few days to get risen again too

“the cartoon about the super powered plumber won‘t be winning any awards” buddy it’s a kids movie. for kids. get a real job.

I don’t lie to my kids. That’s why they don’t receive gifts from the Easter bunny. The hatman put all that candy in those baskets.

“everyone here is mean” skill issue bud

computer, write me some posts that will make everyone like me and tell me i’m doing a good job

“Your laugh is infectious” yes and unfortunately it’s terminal

every single person that never understood the arts loves to say things like “why are there politics in my arts now??”

the BOTS and TROLLS are telling me that i’m a big dumb dummy

happy to see i can log out for like two months and come right back to bad writers crying that people don’t love their opinions. it’s like i never left.

I hope our names are docking on the government watchlist

yall think trump has ever considered getting his neckussy’s clit pierced?

if i was icarus i would have simply made my wings of a more heat resistant material

scrolling the timeline for 4 seconds and remembering why i deleted the app

the real red scare is when you wipe and there’s a lil blood

can’t believe they murdered the little alien fella in project hail mary

Chuck Norris fact: he died

Hell yeah

the grim reaper had to get chuck norris’s permission first

Hell yeah I’m the President of Peace Probably Endangering American Citizens Everyday

the unabomber was like the irl light yagami

just finished the most hungover 6 hour drive in history. 1/10, would not recommend.

there’s no fixing this we just have to burn it all down

just inched closer and closer to the guy that decided to stand right in front of us in general admission until my balls were on his leg and he decided he should move

what a day to be on the road for the past 8 hours

My daughters school has set up a post office and seeing her come home excited to read her mail everyday is possibly the most adorable thing ever

“Hey we saw you from across the Pokecenter and just wanted to say we really like your vibe“

neighbors grass was looking awfully greener so i eated it all

Asking “Is this wrong?“ and then getting mad that the answer is a resounding yes

i think the death penalty should be reserved for the worst of the worst — like murderers, rapists, and people who are mean to me online

comic books didn’t prepare me for how big of losers real super villains would be

hate the new grass bird pokemon. gonna fry it up in some hot oil.

Happy to announce that I’ve won a BET award

they should invent an internet that you can only log on to if you aren’t evil

four scary looking guys on horseback just told me everything is going according to plan and then one of them coughed blood on me so i thinks it’s safe to say things may be looking up

you all actually don’t understand — i’m going to change the unrelenting propaganda machine from the inside

ever since i was a little kid i knew i wanted to be replaced by the computer

imagining the Burger King board meeting where one guys like ”maybe our burgers shouldn’t taste like dog food” and the rest of the board says “no I think the problem is the high schoolers working for us aren’t using their manners“

first guy to think of fast food: what if this tasted like shit?

Americans: Arrest the pedophiles The FBI Director:

Showing up to the planned-in-advance rock and bottle fight and being shocked that I was hit with rocks and bottles

DOCTOR: haha yah i can’t help u with ur ailment but i know a guy [bills u]

a snowball killed my father. not so funny now huh?

how it feels to see your friends’ kids starting social media accounts