I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the same thing

"Goddammit, Erwin"

Yes and no.

I bet everyone hated getting gifts from Erwin Schrödinger

I'll just floss tomorrow

Taylor Swift writes like shit when she's in love

I'll just floss tomorrow

She jack my daniel's till I whiskey

I'll just floss tomorrow

pictures don’t fully capture the beauty of passionfruit flowers

Tried to explain what a labubu is to my grandpa and he shot me in the leg

My mind has like 200 browser tabs open

Epiphany is a lovely name for a girl

I'll just floss tomorrow

This time every year I read my favorite book of all time to get into the spirit of the season

I'm teaching my daughter two sets of driving rules: the ones you follow to get your license and how people actually drive

The worst part about insomnia is having to eat all those spiders while I'm awake

good good good, if it isn't bad grammar

I had to cancel an in person lunch meeting today because I forgot about it and I was already in my sweats

I'll just floss tomorrow

A joke I like to make, and that everyone universally enjoys, when we're taxiing for a long time before takeoff is that we're driving to our destination.

The real generational divide is people who refuse to watch a video if it could be an article versus people who refuse to read an article if it could be a video

I'll just floss tomorrow

they’re still tryna warn us about cleaning our ears with Q-Tips as if we don’t want the brain damage, read the room sweeties

*introducing a friend to Paul Simon* Paul Simon: hi, I'm Al Me: goddamnit Paul Simon

big mac is short for big macaroni and cheese

I'm having a heavy flow day

I'll just floss tomorrow

This is my daughter's college

Beaf

Kids: if your dear old dad is already making a special trip to get you Dutch Bros, at least be specific about your order

I'll just floss tomorrow

I can't explain it but I deserve to get off the plane first

What being an asshole taught me about B2B lead generation.

Accept my LinkedIn request, asshole

I'll just floss tomorrow

Me when the stock market is doing poorly, knowing that only people with money are losing money

I'll just floss tomorrow

Who called it a Popemobile and not a Christler?

Normellize the way I spell stuff.

The typo STAYS

this is probably petty given everything that’s going on in the world, but I hate how we can’t come up with a better term for drug snuggling boats than "go fast"

this tracks

A coworker caught me saying "what's up, stud" and shooting finger guns at myself in the bathroom mirror

I THINK I'LL HAVE A THIRD CUP OF COFFEE

*my wife telling a stranger not to get too close because I haven’t been socialized*

I'll just floss tomorrow

The 12 Things I Hate About You of Christmas

Oceans Eleven Things I Hate About You

Will I understand 10 Things I Hate About You if I haven’t seen 1-9?