RIP Henry Clerval. Gone too soon

I'll just floss tomorrow

I told my brother once that I use a portable fan to keep my eyes from watering when I chop onions (which works very well, btw), and he thought I meant that I throw the onion into the blades lol

the creature growing in my loofah said “please, creator, make me a companion”

*handing this to my massage therapist*

Proof that the vaccines work.

every day I think of a viral post that I forget by the time I get to my phone

I'll just floss tomorrow

sorry about that, this is my first time being alive

I asked for a grande at my local coffee shop and they took me into the back and stuck my head in the coffee roaster

I'll just floss tomorrow

He's a 10 but his life, his love, and his lady is the sea

Todd Snider was a gift to humankind and I'm going to miss him

Our family photos came out great. You can't even tell we'd been crying.

Yo momma so fat her doctor prescribed her GLP-2

I'll just floss tomorrow

I hope my made up words don't make you.....discomfortable

hey look! Custom, personalized holiday cards are back at doodlybugstudio.etsy.com Come check 'em out!

The dad tax that each of my kids had to pay when they got their first car was driving it around with this license plate frame until they begged me to take it off

I do this every time I need to make angled cuts on moulding. Who can relate?

A spokesperson for Bill Clinton has confirmed that President Trump did indeed give him head. Remarkable story.

I'll just floss tomorrow

sowwy officew

me: hello, i have a structured settlement- jg wentworth: go on me: but I don’t need cash now jg wentworth: i am going to have you killed

this meeting should have been a firing squad

Oh no jk lol

my therapist said I’m not being hard enough on myself

I'll just floss tomorrow

He's mad because I won't turn off the rain so he can go out and pee

today is wallace shawn

I'll just floss tomorrow

disney adults need to calm tf down

this album is like a warm blanket to me

it’s like a twelve string guitar but for ukes

A mandolin is just a steel string ukulele

I'll just floss tomorrow

We don't have the borealis so I'm just rubbing my eyes kinda hard

i lost my zeal for continuity and canon in pop culture when they replaced becky with hot becky on roseanne

please do not put in the newspaper that i pepper spray children

my local Vietnamese restaurant picking out their pho bowls

Xena: Lawyer Princess

Is there a culture she won't appropriate?

I have it on good authority that Gwen Stefani is indeed a Hollaback Girl

I'll just floss tomorrow

There's no more lunch :(

You’re under the weather? We all are, idiot. It’s in the sky.

Standing up to a tyrant - who is willing to impose pain as leverage to compel loyalty or acquiescence - is hard. You can convince yourself that yielding stops the pain and brings you back to "normal". But there is no "normal". Submission emboldens the tyrant. The threat grows.

[hot ones] me: *finishes off gallon of milk* sean evans: ok are you ready for your first wing

Someone requested I write a song about a root canal, thought of you