Ask not for whom they circle back. They circle back for thee.

I'll just floss tomorrow

every time you hit post the computer feels pain

RFK Jr joined the fight on deadly diseases on the side of deadly diseases.

maybe we should choose one really good food writer to eat one of every endangered animal just so we can find out what we’re missing

I'll just floss tomorrow

Thank god Chuck Schumer isn’t alive to see this.

IBS is just your microbiome telling you to eat more cheese

interviewing grok as my key witness in the marketplace of ideas

im so fucking chalant right now. maxchalant even

I'll just floss tomorrow

A bel biv devoe bahn mi shop called that girl is hoisin

Love how the person behind me on every flight I take brings a Rubik's cube to stuff in the seat pocket

[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this? [next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?

I’m not referring to my neck.

Babe, what’s wrong? You’ve barely touched your cheatballs.

possibly going to do a post sometime this year

When I say I'm going to "rub one out" I of course mean a knot in my neck

I'll just floss tomorrow

Cause of death: low amount of likes and reposts

Prescription drug commercials greatly overestimate how much I want to hike or fly kites.

South Park cowriter Toby Morton anticipated months ago that Trump would at some point try to name the Kennedy Center after himself, which he eventually did, on Dec 18th 🤯 to find out Morton had claimed all domain names. Ladies & gentlemen, the result is worth your visit: www.trumpkennedycenter.org

Elon Musk promised a lot of things by 2025 - colonists arriving on Mars - xAI achieving AGI - Tesla robotaxis serving half the U.S. - completely driverless robotaxis - a Tesla Roadster demo - DOGE cutting trillions none of them happened mashable.com/article/elon-mus...

Last Christmas I gave you my spleen. But the very next day, nothing happened. No one knows what the spleen does.

remember when you could go online and search for "good pillow" and you'd get like blog posts reviewing and comparing pillows but now you just get an Amazon page for Good Pillow Great Sleeping Perfect for Single or Couple Great Soft sleepy Dream Pillow for soft Bedtime Relaxation pillow ($97.83)

for sale: pear tree. partridge died

I'll just floss tomorrow

Wanna feel old? The Golden Girls were all in their thirties.

Billie Jean is not my lover She's just a girl who claims that I am the one (oh, baby) But the kid is not my son (hoo) She says I am the one (oh, baby) But the kid is not my son (hee-hee-hee, no-no, hee-hee-hee, hoo) Your honor

They didn't have a "clearly written by AI" choice

I was introduced to Alex Gaskarth backstage at a Simple Creatures concert and didn't know who he was. Just shook his hand and introduced myself like he was anyone

the only "2fa" i wanna deal with is 2 fuckin' 'amburgers

[being murdered] murderer: *murdering* Me: (realizing i won’t ever have to go back to work) thank you for this

he’s a 10, but he doesn’t render beef fat into tallow

I'll just floss tomorrow

sisyphus getting a treadmill for christmas

I'll just floss tomorrow

In 2026 I'm going to cut down on breakfast dessert and possibly lunch dessert

See you next year

Would you take him for a run y/n?

I think I could flex my abs hard enough to deflect a knife blade

I think I could flex my abs hard enough to deflect a knife blade

I'll just floss tomorrow

One of my personal rules is that it's Christmas until New Year's Eve. Otherwise I don't get to enjoy it

SEASON'S GREASONS

I thought Boxing Day was last week

I like to imagine that there is a rivalry between two top ham-sniffers: one, a meticulous keeper of precise traditions, the other a brash bad-boy with a colossal nose.

Are you a perv looking for a way to perv on people without them being able to easily tell that you're perving on them? We've compiled a list of the most compelling pervtech available.