It’s so weird when covers have perfect annunciation. I don’t think I was meant to hear every word 🙂‍↔️

Not only should all video calls be off camera, I’d prefer everyone close their eyes for in-person meetings.

what shakespearean play has killed the most chickens? hamlet. murder most foul. screenshot this so bluesky can’t take it from you

Consider yourself supermarket swept

Did it hurt? When Bluesky told you you had 31 likes but it was just a glitch and you had none? I wouldn’t know 🥺

A stranger waiting to cross the street with me forfeited our turn to help another stranger get down the bus steps. I’m sorry there’s still hope for humanity 😭

No one answers the phone “Talk at me” anymore

Studies say that every study cited on Instagram is complete bullshit

I know how Millennials and Gen Z make heart hands, but how would the Greatest Generation do it? Kicking you in the shins?

Wherever my Sims are now, I hope they’re happy. But they’re probably not, they sucked at life

The smaller the screen, the closer to god

[first date] So, tell me… Is there a crazy cat gentleman…?

Worm to worm boyfriend: Would you still love me if I was a human? Worm boyfriend: Ugh, I guess.

It’s cute when the flavors marry 🥹 they fell in love when they were trapped in that Tupperware together 🥹

I don’t think my glasses even want to be clean. They’re gluttons for smudges.

What doesn’t kill me (microplastics) makes me stronger (bionic?)

Unhinged notes app update: One list called “Stop fucking around” and two different ones called “Cancel substacks”

We survived another April 1, fooled but not broken. Till next year you sick son of a bitch holiday.

Some reply guys are reply gentlemen and no one is ready to talk about that.

Gonna start using the gear emoji ⚙️ when I’m gearing up to do things. It’s called whimsy ⚙️

I can't believe the "New Yorker" REJECTED this cartoon!

Making a parrot be in your death metal band is animal cruelty. Unless the parrot is into it.

Thanks for the video about how to be an Amazon influencer, YouTube. I’ve never wanted to watch anything less 🙏🏻

Attention: The people of the Internet have overused the song Iris in videos. The song must now be retired indefinitely. Thank you.

Jobs are just Whac-A-Mole at their core. Whack the email. Whack the Teams question. Prize is just salary though, nothing cool like a stuffed rhinoceros.

You can make anything your whole personality. Especially telling people what can’t be their whole personality.

Casual ice breaker question in my meeting was “What kind of music do you listen to?” What an easy thing to sum up on the spot 🥴

wired mouse! at the coffeeshop

The fact that sometimes you have to press “Copy” to copy a link in SharePoint and sometimes you don’t is my villain origin story

Your honor, the bridge of the song came on

Fuck, marry, kill for Word, Excel, and Outlook is impossible. It’s imperative to kill them all.

The DSM-5 should have a “Weird little alien” diagnosis. We need more representation.

Am I the only one who likes videos before they’re done and sometimes doesn’t even finish them? That doesn’t invalidate my like. The part I saw hit.

Spotify: Hi, we made this Daylist for you. It’s sad indie music for people who are fragile and self-sabotaging. Have a great day! ☺️

Which food mascot would you hang out with? The Grillo’s pickle looks pretty chill. You could sit together in a companionable silence.

My band is called Egregious Sweater Pilling. We’re here to rock out until it bothers you.

Telling my brain to remember something “for real this time”

if you’re in line to puke into a river that’s been dyed green stay in line

Me sending a text at 9am: It’s St. Patrick’s day, are we gonna go get crunk or what 🍀

I’m just a girl, sitting in front of Word, begging it to stop defaulting to bold

I’m not procrastinating, I’m biding my time.

No one surfs the net anymore. The waves have gotten too gnarly.

All YouTube shorts: The viral protein cake hack where you tell people you put protein in their cake, but you didn’t 🤫

This is who you’re asking when you’re asking me to prepare your report *photo of a tiny bunny rabbit*

Writing a LinkedIn article about how looking at your phone every five seconds is good for productivity

It’s “so many goddamn hours of work left” o’clock

The weather: I’m warm now 😉 I mean it this time 😉🤭

I like the cut of your jib. It's a well designed sail. But your attitude is a problem.