On my que sera, sera shit

Why do bad podcast ads happen to good people?

Hopemaxxing (hoping you’ll never see a reference to looksmaxxing again)

I was looking for a card that said “I would red dye 40 for you,” but Hallmark isn’t on my level yet.

Putting “I’m not a real doctor, but I am a real worm” on my LinkedIn

Everyone is bricking their phone and quitting drinking while I have wine and scroll like hell 😎

Is it intrusive thoughts or the indomitable human spirit?

Why are there so many realistic cake pranks? When did we start weaponizing cake

*flicking a lit cigarette* im not like other Muppet babies

Going back in time to try to explain cookie dough flavored Oreos until I’m committed

I finally deleted TikTok. I’ve heard it will be as hard as quitting smoking which is ridiculous, it will be much harder

pls know that internally i may be screaming but externally i am also screaming

The moment before the paywall pops up is so pure and hopeful, thinking maybe I too deserve information

Bow tie pasta implies the existence of the rest of the outfit pasta. You’ve been holding out on us, Barilla

Born to live in a Richard Scarry world, forced to work in fluorescent lighting

I lived bitch (survived minor discomforts throughout the day)

If I started a sports team, I would make its mascot the concept of yearning

Going into an eyeglasses shop and saying, “We don’t want any trouble.”

One of the more subtle ways to remember that we’re on the darkest timeline is that Dawn changed their dish soap scent to be much worse for absolutely no reason

TGIF, Urkels and Stefan Urquelles. We survived another week 🫠

A word to the wise? The wise don’t need your word. They’re already wise. Give your word to dummies like me.

Haters will say it’s AI just because it’s hyperreal and hauntingly empty 🙄

Finding a way to wear clothing you bought for a Halloween costume or theme party in normal life is such a win.

Hard Pants for Hard Times: A Returning to the Office Story

I forgot how to do my job AMA. Actually no please don’t ask me anything 🙂

First date idea: we go to a club with different people and then stand and stare longingly at each other while "All the things she said" plays

If you’re too scared to go back to work tomorrow, you can send the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man in your place. People will know it’s not you, but they’ll have bigger problems to deal with.

Going back in time to tell cave people about how to become Chief Storytelling Officers

2026 is the year of the horse. Excited for horse girls and all horse people. It’s your year, gallop free.

I didn’t know there was a more annoying way to not be able to say “oh my god” than “oh my gosh” but it’s “oh my heck”

Bait bait (flashy ads on your fishing tackle website)

What's your winter look? 1. sweater goblin 2. coffee witch 3. shambling fog 4. Zamboni driver with dark secrets

If a Disney adult and a non-Disney adult get married is that an interfaith relationship?

now for the traditional eating of the christmas tree

Last Christmas I gave you my spleen. But the very next day, nothing happened. No one knows what the spleen does.

There should just be one massive car, so big it wraps around the globe dozens of times & is completely immovable, fused in place—a car that is everywhere at the same time but incapable of going anywhere.

These gingerbread men don’t look happy enough. Give them the candy SSRIs.

The formal ones are long johnathans

I like that mistletoe increases the odds of being kissed. More plants should offer temporary environmental status. Brawling under lingonberries. The soft yearning of a love that dare not speak its name beneath the nightshade.

Asking AI how AI is bad for the environment to see if it can feel shame

(being lowered into the sensory deprivation chamber to treat Poster's Madness) hey can i have my phone btw

nice argument. unfortunately for you i have already portrayed you as the passed out and drooling sleeptime bear and me as the alert, confident and powerful throat cooler koala

It’s time for my traditional wishing I had grown up with traditions but realizing I can make my own.

Outlook designer: *takes a sip of a New Coke* I think we should rebrand the Scheduling Assistant to “the Scheduler.” People will love it 😎

Ever since I was a little girl I knew I wanted AI to find new ways to disturb me every single day

Why is the microwave beeping the most annoying sound in the world? It should be great. The food’s done! This is what we wanted. This is why we’re all here.

The only video call I don’t blur the background for is my therapy. I’m already letting him into the inner recesses of my mind, might as well show him the crib

You shouldn’t need to review terms to use the cloud. I’ve been interacting with clouds my whole life. Gazing at them them. Thinking about what they look like. Never had a problem.

You should have the option of creating a password or hitting your laptop like Fonzie in exactly the same way every time to log in.