Hard Pants for Hard Times: A Returning to the Office Story

I forgot how to do my job AMA. Actually no please don’t ask me anything 🙂

First date idea: we go to a club with different people and then stand and stare longingly at each other while "All the things she said" plays

If you’re too scared to go back to work tomorrow, you can send the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man in your place. People will know it’s not you, but they’ll have bigger problems to deal with.

Going back in time to tell cave people about how to become Chief Storytelling Officers

2026 is the year of the horse. Excited for horse girls and all horse people. It’s your year, gallop free.

I didn’t know there was a more annoying way to not be able to say “oh my god” than “oh my gosh” but it’s “oh my heck”

Bait bait (flashy ads on your fishing tackle website)

What's your winter look? 1. sweater goblin 2. coffee witch 3. shambling fog 4. Zamboni driver with dark secrets

If a Disney adult and a non-Disney adult get married is that an interfaith relationship?

now for the traditional eating of the christmas tree

Last Christmas I gave you my spleen. But the very next day, nothing happened. No one knows what the spleen does.

There should just be one massive car, so big it wraps around the globe dozens of times & is completely immovable, fused in place—a car that is everywhere at the same time but incapable of going anywhere.

These gingerbread men don’t look happy enough. Give them the candy SSRIs.

The formal ones are long johnathans

I like that mistletoe increases the odds of being kissed. More plants should offer temporary environmental status. Brawling under lingonberries. The soft yearning of a love that dare not speak its name beneath the nightshade.

Asking AI how AI is bad for the environment to see if it can feel shame

(being lowered into the sensory deprivation chamber to treat Poster's Madness) hey can i have my phone btw

nice argument. unfortunately for you i have already portrayed you as the passed out and drooling sleeptime bear and me as the alert, confident and powerful throat cooler koala

It’s time for my traditional wishing I had grown up with traditions but realizing I can make my own.

Outlook designer: *takes a sip of a New Coke* I think we should rebrand the Scheduling Assistant to “the Scheduler.” People will love it 😎

Ever since I was a little girl I knew I wanted AI to find new ways to disturb me every single day

Why is the microwave beeping the most annoying sound in the world? It should be great. The food’s done! This is what we wanted. This is why we’re all here.

The only video call I don’t blur the background for is my therapy. I’m already letting him into the inner recesses of my mind, might as well show him the crib

You shouldn’t need to review terms to use the cloud. I’ve been interacting with clouds my whole life. Gazing at them them. Thinking about what they look like. Never had a problem.

You should have the option of creating a password or hitting your laptop like Fonzie in exactly the same way every time to log in.

When you make a typo in someone’s name, it’s often someone else’s real name. And you can almost hear them whisper, “Why not me?”

Some of the iPhone updates are growing on me. Also, the Stockholm robbers weren’t that bad, they were pretty chill.

Get in we’re doing the iPhone update. We absolutely hate it 😕

Why isn’t there a sad devil emoji? Demons can’t get the blues?

the results are in for all of bluesky

Will you partake in my ancient elixirs? I’ve Vitaminwater, Snapple, and Clearly Canadian.

You don’t have to get off my lawn, but you have to stop using “cutie” as an adjective on it

Soft launching your memoir through overly personal Yelp reviews

Me at Thanksgiving dinner: I’m thankful for the mute button that prevents streaming services from assaulting me with audio from options I haven’t selected yet 🙏🏻

The Labubu Thanksgiving Day Parade float was fine. They haven’t had enough floats that look like they want to eat your soul.

Influencers presenting their gift guides: Hi, this is my gift guide where I guide you to gifts that will make me money ☺️🎅🏻

I would respect the Google AI overview more if sometimes it was like “girl, I don’t know”

guys i dont think i defrosted my turkey right

Do I miss Luna bars in the old packaging, or do I just miss being in my 20s? I think the bars

I haven’t watched the Wicked movies, but I will watch anything about the cursed Wizard of Oz set.

Slams laptop shut, delicately tucks napkin in collar 🦃

I think a lot of Millennials learned how to run a household from playing the Sims. That’s why it’s always buying new furniture or crying in a corner for us.

When one of my hand soaps runs out, and I can finally use the peppermint one I bought, it’s over for all you bitches. I shouldn’t call you bitches. The joy the of the peppermint soap will fix me ☺️

Making a modern gingerbread house with gray floors 😔

We’re the sons of the ShowBiz pizza animatronic band you couldn’t turn off.

In the club, we all fam. Our parents are getting a divorce 😕