Something to take the edge off (publishing a mid post that gets 8 likes)

Instagram to its therapist: Yeah, I got bored and changed my design again. I knew it would annoy people, maybe I need negative attention haha Instagram’s therapist: I think we should meet twice a week.

replacing the millennial lol with bazinga to see if that helps lol bazinga

I can’t watch a tv show on my actual tv until I trust it. It needs a probationary period on my phone first.

Affixing a wax seal to my emails

Being American means momentarily hoping the doctor finds something bad to make the insane cost of the visit "worth it"

The plural of happy hour is happys hour. Only people drunk at happy hour know this

I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by having to create password after password

You aren’t truly middle aged until you start wondering if there’s a museum for museums

When the Roku citizens watch tv, the side scrolling background is of our world

“…” That’s what she said. She was really quiet.

I delete a lot of posts, but I also get them all tattooed on me. So it balances out

The everything bagel must feel overwhelmed by the weight of impossible expectations.

the kool-aid man only he’s coffee-man and he’s big enough for me to climb into and swim around

When sending a draft tell clients you love it so they know that to change it would destroy something you love

Putting my keys in the pocket of my purse with the mints, so they’re always where they’re “mint” to be

No one pictures everyone in the room naked when they’re nervous anymore, because of woke

Me as a life coach: If you only make medium bad decisions, you’ll only be in a medium amount of trouble.

Millennials: Well that happened 🙂🥺😭

Me buying bots to like my posts: Could it be like cool ones, ones that have good taste?

when your heart's no longer in the hostage negotiation

Nothing has been truly okay since Spotify changed their logo to a dark-sided disco ball.

The Sunday Scurries. You’re still scared, but you’re on the move.

Just saw TRUMP SUCKS written on a changing table in a public bathroom. You’re never too young to learn this

I have no drafts because I’ve been publishing everything. Going full send. Flopping for my life.

Watching old movies (vlogs from 2012)

I walked up to a bird and it didn’t fly away right away. Are we best friends or

I have the kind of eyes that change color depending on what you’re wearing. I don’t even know what it’s like to be stable at an eye color level.

Reading is a controlled hallucination with snack breaks allowed.

Guy clocking in at the chestnut factory: *sigh* That old chestnut

What’s wrong with putting lipstick on a pig? Some pigs are really cute. Saying you shouldn’t is Miss Piggy erasure.

Why must you bait my click? I want to click. Give me something worth clicking for

I love your AI LinkedIn photo. I bet you’re a rockstar at whatever soul sucking thing you do 🙂

It’s World Bee Day and everyone thought it was about you being a B

Everything in moderation, including moderation. Sometimes you have to tasmanian devil through an Asian buffet.

ready for the weekend

Born to be sitting under a tree reading like the guy in the Kindle logo, forced to work

I’m getting way too many updates about my phone’s adaptive power. Just do your thing, baby, I trust you.

A man ran past me right as the words “Running like hell” played in the song I was listening to. Can someone re-edit my life that was too cheesy

I added someone as “Optional” to a meeting and she responded “Maybe.” Well played.

I think of the theme song to Quantum Leap at least once a month. I too would like to put right what once went wrong.

9pm: yawning 2:12am: time to become a scholar on uncontacted tribes

The horrors persist, but it smells like spring (flowers, occasional barbecue)

Me: Amazon, you think you’re pretty clever for calling something a wool blend because it has 6% wool, huh Amazon: Yeah, I do 🙂 Okay, I’m diving back down to hell now! Me: ✌️

Tired: r and r Wired: h and h (a hamburger and a hug)

Weather forecast: Whatever you wear will be wrong.

easily halving my screen time by keeping one eye closed

them: wanna feel old? me: what do you mean “feel”?

An OnlyFans just for reading drafts

What’s so bad about phoning it in, really? I love being on my phone