I'll buy you some gasoline for Christmas this year.

Everybody hates AI until they need it to make booby photos.

Due to the increased cost of eating out, ‘69’ shall now be known as ‘96’

"Peeps" should make that sound when you eat them

[millennial trying to fire a younger coworker] so you lowkey don’t work here anymore, unc

He's learning stealth mode from wile e coyote

The revenge of the mouse jiggler is upon my employer for my stingy salary raise which limits me to a low maintenance lifestyle that is cost efficient like Budweiser spaghetti.

Its never too late to regift that holiday trauma.

my mom got an adult bib for me and she's not wrong

I just assume all you bros are the same bro, a timeless, ubiquitous every-bro to end all bros forever.

all day long I've been singing, "i was gonna be an astronaut, but then I got high," but that's not even true

coming out of my cage and honestly I've been better

next time the billionaires go to space i think a funny thing to do would be for us to quickly hide the planet while they're gone

wrote “be productive” on my to-do list. crossed it off immediately. felt accomplished. took a nap.

This post is brought to you by light beer. Light beer, making your futile, painful existence somewhat bearable since 1975.

The crushing disappointment of a hollow chocolate bunny in your basket

Well, well, well, if it isn’t the harsh reality that I have been running away from as fast as I possibly can all this time.

I will not go to hell riding less than an elephant

This is Nessie and Millie. Neither of them ever really learned how to dig, but Millie is pretty sure it's like giving CPR. 12/10 no one tell her (TT: millieandazula)

Telling jokes is a lot like sex The more noise you hear, the better you think you‘re doing

Really hoping Artemis II casually bumps into Rocky from Project Hail Mary up there, because I feel like we’re due for that kind of problem.

Scoffing at the world when it doesn’t revolve around me.

imagine how fast you’d have to be driving to get pulled over for speeding in Michigan

Not to brag but I get hungover just from staying out late

clogging the vacuum toilet on day one of the moon voyage

“did you know they sent folks to the moon today?” me:

Really hoping Artemis II casually bumps into Rocky from Project Hail Mary up there, because I feel like we’re due for that kind of problem.

Elon very confused by the lack of rapid disintegration from this moon rocket

Oh shit oh fuck I was supposed to be on the Artemis I knew I was forgetting something fuck fuck fuck

Scoffing at the world when it doesn’t revolve around me.

Omg I’m getting married!!!

LOOK AT ME, GODDAMNIT -daffodils

You're in her dms. I forgot her real name 3 years ago.

If you're right brained you see London, if you're left brained you see France.

going to hell but like really really slow

instagram financial gurus love to be like "stop. here is the one thing you need to do *right now* to supercharge your retirement savings" and then give advice that applies in very specific circumstances not applicable to most people

In my heart, you’re all fools. Today is your Super Bowl.

The state of the world is giving April Fools and we’re all committed to the bit against our will.

I am 50 years old with my tubes tied but I’m pregnant today because it’s April 1st haha gotcha

disgust washes over me as i walk past a window and observe my terrible posture like, “hey Quasimodo”

If I can just make it until April 11th, the date of the Pimento Cheese Festival, I might be okay

My daughter just told me that Donnie Darko is an Easter movie as the Easter Bunny is in it and I’m good with that if she is.

The only fucking lifting I do is lifting of fucking spirits...oh, and skirts occasionally

The state of the world is giving April Fools and we’re all committed to the bit against our will.

Trump giving a speech about the Iran war, on April Fools’ day, because democracy may have died but irony never will!

Hey wait! Didn’t we just have a Wednesday last week?

me: I'm sorry I reported your email as a phishing attempt boss: it was funnier the first 7 times

I still don’t understand what part of the monkey the wrench is for.

started posting on threads so I can be disappointed in myself on multiple forums

People be like "I have anxiety and insomnia" but drink 3 coffees a day