As you go to work today to start another week, it may help to remember that Skeletor was often thwarted by his own inept henchman too

them: “where do you see yourself in five years?” me: “unless things change drastically, probably still in the mirror, or in photographs”

fine. I'll go to dinner. but I'm not putting on a bra.

"Any last words?" "SHORT-LIVED RHYMES WITH ARRIVED. AND THERE ARE TWO SYLLABLES IN ALLEGED."

I’m a soft core bully.

what if you burned day and night told no one for what good would it do for them to imagine it as the worst they'd had the most they could and one day they told you that you knew nothing of their pain so you said sorry you're hurting and sat with them where they were that you'd already been what if

I am not neutral I am not apolitical I am not happy I am not silent

Painted myself into an uber and took it to the corner store that's how you render an idiom powerless

Don’t forget to set your clocks aside tonight. Forget them in the back of the sock drawer. Box them unlabeled in the attic for ten unopened years. Hit snooze and bury them twelve feet deep in the backyard.

Me: read it again but this time do the voices Priest: Whole Congregation: VOICES! 👏VOICES! 👏VOICES!👏

made the classic mistake of answering back in spanish with one of the few phrases I know and then he started saying a lot more I didn’t understand and long story short, now i have to marry this car wash employee.

Captain, we’re about to enter the wormhole. Worm: Nope. Not on a first date.

Gonna start calling Erika Kirk by her alter ego Ashley Furniture the way she's trying to lure JD into her cushions

The internet used to scream at us when we connected, and we didn't take the hint

no one asked for an extra hour of life. read the room.

All creme pies are Boston creme pies when yahra fahkin wicked good khed, Khed.

I think Bamboozling is lesbian stuff.

I set my clock back two hours last year, so I'm all set

Night time is the right time, y’all. Stop whining. Better stay indoors, though, or I’ll bite ya.

4:20 blaze it oh cuss i didn’t change that clock yet

show me on my skeets where i never said that

OMG! It’s already New Year’s Eve in Australia!!!

Cranking one out on the first of the month to assert dominance over No Nut November

I once had a girlfriend who was in the army and when she broke up with me she said she was giving me a vaginal discharge

DELETING MY MASTODON ACCOUNT BECAUSE A "CHRISTIAN FATHER OF TWO" INTERACTED W ME IM GONNA THROW UP

im hot and funny. pls get used to it, we have better things to do.

I once broke into a bank so I could straighten the crooked blind I saw through the window

“Okay, kids, trick’s over, you can come up from the basement!”

Allrighty i guess ill get out of bed and get up. Its almost half nine. But its really half ten. Thats how this works right?

Yes, we beat the Canadians but it took an immigrant.

Can’t wait to use my extra hour tomorrow for depression napping like God intended.

It’s okay to not be okay with not being okay. Nobody’s okay, okay?

fiscally irresponsible clown posse

50% off with added shrinkflation

There's nothing a good dick slap can't fix

I formally request the end of daylight savings time take place Sunday into Monday.

You’ll have to pry October from my cold, dead, pumpkin-spice-scented hands.

I hope you’re all prepared to hear that all I want for Xmas song today

"PUT THE FUCKING CASH IN THE FUCKING BAG OR I'LL BLOW YOUR FUCKING FACE OFF!" And that was the last time I ever played Monopoly with the kids.

I wish we could return to a simpler time before the Internet and pants.

I always run my fingers thru random mens’ hairs when I greet them I give it a little tug at the root and stick my tongue in their ear As friends.

“Thriller” is my favorite song that has an evil laugh in it.

I am so thankful that was just a fart.

There should be a “skip to the point” button for conversations.

It’s okay to not be okay with not being okay. Nobody’s okay, okay?

them: how are you? me:

Sometimes I wake up with Jewel in my head and just know that the dead will soon walk the earth again.

liking all of your disgusting posts is my love language

Dinner tastes better when I don't cook it but that's probably because I didn't fill up on all my normal cooking dinner snackies

I heard, "if you want it sugar coated, go to a bakery" thanks, i'll take a dozen glazed and let's cleanse this world with fire