Clothes Only Rapture

me: *entering the rapture* the rapture: I’m seeing someone.

i shaved so we can slither in my sheets later if u want

the audacity of trying to rapture me without offering up garlic bread

Funk out with your junk out

the terrible discomfort of re-reading a book you loved in high school and realizing it kind of sucks

I don’t want to be raptured until marijuana is legal in heaven.

Now selling t-shirts: Rejected at the Gates, Class of 2025.

Not the rapture getting scared and nervous and won't come out now because everyone can't shut up about it.

one external validation, please and thank you

Rapture my hole > Rapture my soul

this is by far the most underwhelming rapture I’ve ever experienced

ugh my neighbor is outside, i wanted to do witchy shit

pants is short for punk-ass ants

I see you unfollowed me on Mastodon... BLOCKED

the person who steals the most cars tomorrow wins the rapture

Rapture Review: ★☆☆☆☆ Service was terrible, no one showed up to collect me. Sat outside all morning with sandals on for nothing.

Thought I was experiencing the rapture but it turned out that it was just gas.

That story about five blind guys touching different parts of an elephant, but instead of an elephant it’s my naked body and there’s no lesson, just five dudes with their hands all over me

plop plop fizz fizz but it is tylenol in my la croix

Guy who just started watching Severance and wants to talk about it

I certainly see quite a few psychotic breaks after today when the rapture doesn’t happen.

My hypothesis: Cheese tastes good when you’re naked.

"There's reason to believe maybe this fiscal year will be better than the last" - Accounting Crows

I think I said it best when I said all of the things I previously said.

anyone know when the rapture starts? it isn’t on my calendar

my therapist told me I look tired both mentally and physically lol

i am not going to smother my child. since i am a dad i believe it is called sfathering

How am I supposed to diet when everything requires me to eat my feelings

My favorite thing about the rapture is how the people who believe in the rapture aren't going to be saved by the rapture.

beauty is in the eye of the butt holder

A quick guide on "How to fall downstairs": Step 1 Step 6 Step 8, 9, 10, 11.

Can’t remember who said if you tell the truth you don’t have to remember anything.

Maybe the rapture already happened but nobody ascended cuz we’re all kinda shit?

4 years ago today

The prophecy was a meme, and tomorrow it comes true. May the rapture be with you.

Fuck Tylenol, microdose THC gummies during the workday like an adult

I am going to wake up early tomorrow morning and put on a full beat so I look nice for either rapture or tribulation

despite all my sage I am still just a witch not a mage

you are all trapped here with me, this is a group project

a swan flew by and honked like a trucker, startling me and my bun bud

There’s a guy at work we call The Computer. He’s not smart or anything, it’s that if we leave him alone for 10 minutes he goes into sleep mode.

the time of year for cats and bats and cats and bats and cats and bats and cats is upon us

The world: imploding, fighting, spiraling. Me: here’s a nice picture of my cat, you’re welcome.

I can’t wait to have granny energy.

I wish tomorrow wasn’t Monday so I could stay up eating baked apples and ice cream, reading a cozy cottagecore novel, then pass out to my rainforest noise machine like a feral woodland granny.

Oh no

"Which of these common household items terrifies you the most?" - dating a horror writer

How will I know the difference between people getting raptured or getting picked up by aliens on Tuesday? Just curious

A wet t-shirt contest, but it’s just me sitting there with melted ice cream pouring from my mouth because I’ve fallen asleep mid-treat again