hyper-sexual abusive men actually just want to be able suck cock loud and proud but they feel they can’t and they’re mad about it and take it out on women.

(beck voice) Two tortillas and microwaaaaaave

Cookies came out perfect. The kids are watching a movie. The house is clean. This is what dreams are made of. Or whatever Hilary Duff said.

i would give you all the best french fries

I’m making sugar cookies today in case anyone was looking for a domestic goddess.

I’m just a badly drawn soliloquy.

*sends Sorry U Got Butthurt™️ bouquer*

*during sex* okay but why did your tone change

Everything showers just hit different. ✨

I’ve taken to getting off at least once a day and I’m sorry to report it actually does help.

Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my deeply incriminating emails

that fact that you would say that during toyotathon makes it even more egregious

what if we kissed and went to bed early

not all heroes eat crepes

How’s no nut November going?

do you have a problem? it’s probably capitalisms fault

I crave endless attention and total isolation at the same time.

cdc recommends you be rich, ya loser

ghost ride the whip ghost ride the dick

The devil, having tired of the details, is in the depression

I don’t know much about football. But Hertz is missing a huge opportunity by not having Jalen Hurts as their spokesperson instead of Tom Brady.

If you see a typo. No you didn’t.

This thing where white women are “showing everyday until they like it” is fucking weird. Please shower y’all. What? You’re kidding. Gross.

My two year old is distraught that I can’t make it snow. I’m such an asshole.

i thought it was really hot—the way you used a proper ellipsis instead of three periods

10/10 recommend a clit sucking vibrator.

cmon one of us must have enough money to start an app just for shitposters

Costco is my favorite place I never want to be

why are they "trad wives" and not "girls gone laura ingalls wilder"

I don't want to make the most of my day, I want to sleep comfortably in many different positions

well would you look at that, you managed to find my last nerve

inside you are two wolves? what the fuck is wrong with you?? let them out!

Someone told me my armpits were impressive. And I gotta say, they’re right.

If you have your @s turned off on a platform that you actively use to comment on others posts, you’re a pussy.

girls don't want boys girls want mashed potatoes

I commented on instagram that women need to aim higher as far as men go and now they’re all mad at me for saying they shouldn’t settle. Please. Make it make sense.

Love my brain forcing me awake at 4 am on a Saturday to tell me I’m a worthless piece of shit.

If you hate me and I repost your post just know it’s because I hate you back.

my mom always used to say you shouldn’t hate people and i’m here to say my mom was wrong

Still finding yourself, huh? Must be hard considering you’ve never been yourself ever.

One of the jobs you have as a parent is to teach your child how to take a bath/shower. I think a lot of y’alls parents forgot that.

People always be finding something to hate about Starbucks this time of year. First the Christmas cups and now the bears. People are dying, Kim.

not many know this but "christmas" means "more christ" in spanish

Tell a guy it’s too big and watch him scramble for the first time ever in his life to make it seem smaller.

I put my best work in the instagram comment section.

Deep cleaning my front room. So no one come over and ruin it.

Have you tried eating more fiber and having regular poops about it?

Have you tried flicking your bean about it?

a hot dog is a sandwich, (don’t) change my mind

🥳🥳🥳