Ain’t it weird how you can’t touch music. But music touches you.

I don't think we were meant to be hyper aware of our nervous systems at all times.

I made you a mixtape, your honor.

yeah sex is cool but have you ever been excused from jury duty during voir dire for a multi-day criminal trial

Smoking that old school 2006 runescape monster energy marijuana strain

Let's show everyone our unrelenting love on the oily lanes at our local bowling alley

I just wanna sit on your fa…..ncy furniture

i wish i was rich enough to be publicly unhinged

He's a 10 but he processes emotions like a Victorian gentleman.

We are, apparently, in the seventh year of 2020.

people are only mad at me because i say it like it is... and also because i am a cunt who actively antagonized them

no i’m not “detail oriented” that’s where the devil is

i really gotta learn how to cook restaurant food sucks now

It’s Wednesday night, which means tomorrow is Thursday, which is basically Friday’s intern.

*eating buttered toast* my day won’t get any better than this

my peopling capacity is dwindling

I’ve been hallucinating spiders on me again, but I only do the drugs that I’m supposed to

Please cancel my free 7-day trial of 2026.

Be the reason the lights flicker and chamber music starts playing whenever you enter the room.

I wish I had the confidence of a person who has only read one book

humpty dumped me

I do a stand-up job at finding places to sit down

Being a teenager with teen angst during the peek teen angst music period was a transcendent experience.

Running out of patience counts as cardio, right?

The path of exasperation.

Okay well I'm gonna tweet dumb unrelated stuff I'm not being insensitive I'm distracting myself for health

If you can’t handle me at my expecting the worst, you don’t deserve me at my it wasn’t as bad as I thought.

The fat loss industry hates this one simple trick: stop eating like a raccoon in a dumpster with free will.

People all up in my grill, expecting me to do my job at my job.

dishes are the laundry of the kitchen

My cat is snoring and I can’t help but be jealous.

just finished serving time for pulling the tag off a mattress

i've been to the gym 6 times is that enough

Every part of the vagina also sounds like something you would see on a medieval map

You ever think they created ai to turn us against each other and against the ai so we don’t turn against them? Arby’s employee: you want your usual order?

just found out Spanish moss is not native to Spain nor is it moss and nothing makes sense any more

(first guy to go bald) haha what if we all wore hats, which I just invented for no reason

Hristos se rodi to everyone in Serbia! 🇷🇸🎄 looking forward to my son-n-law being our polažajnik this evening 🍽️🍻

I called my rep and let out a huge diatribe and they owned me by saying “sir this is a Wendy’s drive thru” and hanging up

So far, 2026 keeps reminding me why everyone over 40 has a bucket of Tylenol and a heating pad.

come for for the jokes, stay for the hot take on someone’s hot take about someone else’s hot take on someon…

Inventoried my bullshit and may be time for a clearance sale.

living life one shitstorm at a time

Please stop painting realistic pictures of tunnels. The coyotes are getting hurt.

Wendy's just called me a dumbass for not getting a combo meal

It would probably be a net positive for everyone here if the site crashed for 24-48 hours

I've been binge watching this show called Fireplace for weeks now.

I feel like I need a boyfriend to skeet about so I’m finna make one up his name is Walter and he brings me coffee every morning and always buys the right tampons

you don't hear a lot of songs about peter brady going through puberty these days