if you walk into a room with the right amount of swag people’s heads explode

Madness takes its toll, Please have exact change ready..once inside don't suffer with insanity, enjoy every minute of it.

Don't walk towards me quickly. I'm a rescue with some trauma.

Time really flies when you’re on a plane

*rollerblades by your house

Is anyone talking about the thc ban? and this is all to help poisonous and deadly alcohol sales? Grrrrrr that shit will fucking kill you time to boycott alcohol my friends

putting up posters around town saying "dont go online"

We all have our crosses to bear. I am compelled to do kegels whenever I hear Tainted Love. We all have our crosses to bear.

I bring confusion to the table.

We are just gonna have to go demon mode

I don't want to make the most of my day, I want to sleep comfortably in many different positions

I hate the sound of something being explained to me

I’m sorry for interrupting but I like the subject more than you do

Cap'n Crunch is sandpaper for your mouth. Delicious sandpaper.

I don’t know about you guys but I have seen quite enough.

When the going gets tough the psychics get fired

If future archaeologists find my phone, they will rightly conclude that I am in a cat cult.

If someone tells you you're an absolute godsend, remember they may mean like a plague

Guy seething with jealousy: Well, I think the normal sky is already pretty cool

gonna start a podcast where i just sigh a lot

Guy who watched The Ring tape hoping to meet a girl

I am on the spectrum…of people sick of wearing pants.

Sometimes I'm disappointed that Bell Biv Devoe's first reaction was to sing about it, rather than call the Poison Control Center like they taught us in school.

opening the window to livestream the moon

10 out of 10 pieces of furniture prefer your little toe.

every cafe and bar I've worked at if I had a regular customer who was over 30 I would yell "NORM!" whenever they walked in. they love it.

Growing up I would watch Eight is Enough, and quite honestly, eight is way too much.

I wore deodorant to a commune, and they chased me out of town with pitchforks and passive-aggressive affirmations

Garage dance party. Ooo I forgot I have those muscles.

I didn’t have imaginary friends. I had very specific spirits.

i’m gonna dance while doing the dishes about it

coffee so strong i need a surge protector for my central nervous system

working on a collage of dick pics I’ve received over the years to hang at my funeral just bury me with it I’m telling Jesus on all a y’all

U.S. fliers are encouraged in the coming weeks to come to the airport with their own air traffic controller.

Recognized a song from a Puccini opera by ear last night, people are calling me the most cultured person on earth

technically, french fries are a potato salad. fin

Sometimes when my cats are fighting, I pretend it's over me.

If I were a trillionaire I’d build a mansion big enough for all of us to hang out on our phones all day together

Yep. Just checked. I’m still officially a crabby pants.

FUN FACT: The 'five-second rule' was invented in 1987 by a man who had already eaten the biscuit and needed a legal precedent.

Wife has gone out to a 'tofu cookery masterclass'. Hoping she's really having an affair.

i lost my zeal for continuity and canon in pop culture when they replaced becky with hot becky on roseanne

We don't have the borealis so I'm just rubbing my eyes kinda hard

yeah aurora borealis is nice but have you ever seen the wolf cry to the blue corn moon

Yes, I dated a model, but it was a train set.

There should be a 15 min limitation visits for uninvited guests.

One winning scratch off and I'm going to act like I don't know any of you.

y'all I'm exhausted

"It's an Old Family Recipe" I say, as I poorly manage my emotional well-being