The first person to say okie doke must've felt like a god.

exfoliate your baby and save time in the kitchen by rinsing your rice during bath time

Walking into the ocean sounds so relaxing right now

Pushing positivity like its a drug.

it’s not “paranoia” if what you’re freaking out about is true

i wouldn’t know a give a fuck if it danced naked right in front of me

I think if you post bad you should have to wear a scarlet P around on you in real life

I'd interact with everyone more but it takes a lot of energy to control your dreams

me on a first date: okay, give me all the reasons you love me

Leaving work early every day is great until you have to stay the whole time for once and it feels like a personal attack

The key to commitment is choosing someone whose enemies are also your enemies, such as geese.

*Reading scary stories to children in exaggerated voice* When I was your age, we almost entirely lived on gluten.

I’ve been hoarding clarified butter in preparation for the coming lobster wars

Remember, no one can ever take your place unless you default on your mortgage.

You can teach your kids fake words if you want. My toddler thinks “Hellobius” is a normal greeting

You come to me on the day my daughter is doing taco tuesday

When someone asks if you feel more like yourself today it's always polite to answer with, "which one?"

there’s always an elephant in my room his name is Arthur

Them: what’s your retirement plan? Me: you mean death?

six seven killed my grandma

Me: I think we need to talk about the elephant in the room Elephant: wow rude I’m right here

my sighs are up here

They had to do multiple takes of the cocaine scenes in "Scarface" because Pacino kept blowing his lines.

Dumbing myself down to be happy in these trying times

“in the event of an emergency, break glass” okay I’ve broken 31 glasses this week, now what

all madness, no method

just wanna go to Italy and relax for a century

Should I hold on or let go, I never know what to do with my hands.

My 13 YO daughter is listening to Coldplay. I'd heard of teenage rebellion, but I didn't expect it to be so mean

opening a brunch place with a cocaine station in the buffet next to the omelettes

I was nearly petty there then I thought no, you’re worse than that.

Sorry I used your baby to play air guitar.

Your honor my client loves crime

Things I have air fried this week instead of getting help - chicken cordon bleu - chicken tikka samosas - chicken nuggets

does the fact that im wearing my bathrobe at the grocery store intimidate you?

It's only cocaine if you do it with other people.

My check engine light has been on since 1992

Next year I’m just gonna fake a vacation and lock my doors for the holidays.

she was rare, like a lunch sandwich that survived the ride to work

does drinking rum before noon make you a pirate

please stop declaring blood feuds in my replies

Is it possible I’m agoraphobic, or is that just a natural response to people being shitty?

american news makes me wanna vomit with anxiety and i'm not even american

Getting to all my appointments early so I can shitpost for at least 15 minutes beforehand

Sheets should have thumb holes to keep bed partners from stealing them overnight

I still think Lady Gaga should take the Goo Goo Dolls on tour and call it the goo goo gaga tour.

Elephants hate when they’re in a room and forget why they even came in.

Whenever a woman flirts with me, my bowtie spins uncontrollably

What if we had a knife fight in the ambient glow of roku city

you would look so hot with my malevolent influence