Happy Henrik Lundqvist Day to those who celebrate. IYKYK.

New Strokes for my bday?! Hell yeah.

TODAY IS ALSO @croatbeba.bsky.social’s birthday! LOVE YOU 💖

Did his nose collapse?

Did I buy myself a sparkly tiara to wear all day for my 40th birthday tomorrow? You bet your ass I did! Gotta create your own whimsy in these trying times.

Another birthday orchid!

Re-potting an orchid and I gotta boil so much water to dump over this moss. Fucking hate those lil gnats.

If anyone one else said this, I feel like there’d be a military coup.

Honestly, the only fucking thing I want for my birthday tomorrow is all the goddamn apologies people owe me.

Senator, it’s obvious he’s laundering money with these projects. Do your fucking job.

Low tide is really smelling like it right now. Woof.

Birthday is tomorrow and my partner is already ruining it. Just like they did last year. I swear, if I have a bad day tomorrow, I’m putting rocks in his pockets and throwing him in the harbor.

I am QUITE aware, thank you.

I truly need y’all to keep Hayley Williams & Paramore off my feed. I cannot stand that fake ass bitch.

No, Netflix, you will not tempt me into watching the Roast of Kevin Hart by constantly showing me clips of comedians I like ripping Tony Hinchliffe apart. You can, however, send me ALL those clips.

I never thought I’d ever be sick of seeing boobs, but Sidney Sweeney can put hers away. No thanks on MAGA Barbie boobies.

Why are we not combining chicken and meatball parm? Why are we not putting meatballs on the chicken?

We’re grossly underestimating the hantavirus, aren’t we?

Do I know anyone in the New Haven CT area looking for an apartment? The unit above mine is about to come available.

Did you know that you can purchase a casket on Amazon?

Kill Tony? Yeah, I wish they would.

Decent sports day

Just a reminder that my mother haaaaaaates me. Happy Mother’s Day.

THE. KNICKS.

Basketball really isn’t my forte but, uh, I don’t see anyone from the East stopping the Knicks?

A recession indicator is that my birthday is on Wednesday & I haven’t gotten any birthday reward/promo emails yet.

Love to be overcome with unbearable sadness

Nah, absolutely not. This person has a degradation fetish and I will not participate.

Genuinely feels like the rangers I knew and loved are truly dead.

Ok, but the Knicks tho?

This is literally the plot of the X-Files movie?

Oh.

Bro, ew.

Oh come on. How fucking stupid do they really think we are? That’s literally a Trump tweet. No one believes Epstein wrote this, right?

Y’all really need to give yourselves popcorn lung huh? Smoke a goddamn cigarette like an adult.

The World Cup is about the be the super spreader event of the millennium.

Oh. The Hantavirus reached mainland France. Cool. Cool cool cool.

Imagine asking it for advice raising your kid?

Gas is fucking $4.69 here. I truly did pick the BEST time in modern history to not have a car.

I love how Austin Matthews threatens to leave Toronto and magically they’re blessed with the 1st overall pick.

Got my nails all done for my birthday next week 😎💖

We all made fun of Chumbawamba, but we really do be getting knocked down & getting up again.

I am buying a fucking respirator. I cannot fucking do this again.

Dumb is a moment. Stupid is forever.

I truly cannot believe we have a sentient old, leather shoe as our Health Sec

LOL WHAT ARE WE DOING HERE

I am full of tacos and hella stoned 😎