Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.

the sandwich guy walking away from the court house and suddenly, his limp disappears

I love Fall. The crisp air, the radiant colors, the bleak realization that everything dies

Right about now, the honk shoo brother

I'll never forget my dad's last words: "It's way past Halloween. Why's this caution tape still on the elevator?"

Don't wave that thing at me, Hello Kitty!

please don’t assume that because i’m wet, i’m also wild

We all have those 478 people we can't stand

It's pretty sexist that everyone assumes "Jack" the Ripper was a man, girls can do anything 🦸‍♀️

[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop] Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands

Even on my regular antidepressant, I still felt unresolved symptoms of depression. So I asked my doctor about adding Cadbury Mini Eggs.

dracula: so we meet again mister bond bond: have we met? sorry dracula: at susan’s party  bond: dracula: in malibu bond: oh right right the vampire guy dracula: ha ha yes the vampire guy

Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us "You will never leave this island."

I've eaten enough candy to kill a Victorian child

Don’t know why trick-or-treaters are annoyed I’m scooping guacamole into their bags. It’s a premium add-on

happy halloween to what many people believed was the greatest tweet of all time

Dracula turns into a bat to avoid detection or for selfish personal travel purposes, whereas I would turn into a bat to pollinate local plants and help balance our precious ecosystem. Just one of several ways that I am morally superior to Dracula.

Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.

I don't like it when Godzilla fights the other monsters. I'd rather see them settle their differences on the dance floor.

Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?

Guy who knew the guy Frankenstein’s dick came from seeing Frankenstein nude: “Hey is that Hank’s dick??”

DR FRANKENSTEIN: *turns to Igor* hand me the dick

If you see this, post four female characters you love

Hi all! i’m again raising funds for the Black Dog institute. Funds raised go towards new mental health treatments, education, and digital services for people in need. It would mean so much to me if you can donate or help spread the word. Thank you so much! www.onefootforward.org.au/fundraisers/...

A selection of work Dm's don't allow photos so this is how we communicate Sorry for the lack of alt i am a scurry of a mind this morning

SORRY THESE ARE LATE MY NEIGHBOR JEFF CAST AN EVIL SPELL ON ME AND MY HEAD WAS STUCK IN THE NECK HOLE OF MY SWEATER

Aries: A stranger is just a friend you haven't trapped in the catacombs yet.

Taurus: Things aren’t as bad as they seem, they’re worse.

Gemini: Wrestling with your demons is usually a metaphor for boring things like developing effective coping strategies and discipline. Not today though. Today Satan is going to hit you with a folding chair.

Cancer: Money can’t buy you love, but let's face it- it’s the best chance you have.

Leo: Good things are coming your way. They won’t stop until you are dead.

Virgo: The ghosts of your past will continue to haunt you this week as you struggle to get the spaghetti sauce stains out of your favorite Tupperware.

Libra: Great things are possible, but even more of them are impossible.

Scorpio: "They are planning something." This you'll know as you grow weary each night. "Their plan is coming to fruition." You'll understand this. Always by morning you will forget us. We are planning still. The plan has nothing to do with you. Stop knowing about it. We hear you knowing.

Sagittarius: The celestial energy is indicating the moment has come to make some important decisions. Apparently the celestial energy has forgotten that you suck at that.

Capricorn: An unexpected invitation may arrive at your home. It may be written in blood. Or just really fucked up looking brown ink, who knows, we’re not psychics.

Aquarius: Your home will be the site of a wild, celebratory bacchanal next week. You will be at the dentist when this happens.

Pisces: There is no avoiding what is coming next for you. Bigfoot will find you and he will kick your ass.

😍 Boston, you are beautiful. #NoKings

If you're taking to the streets to protest today, know your rights.

ATTENTION: your reminder that you should follow the absolutely amazing @itsabbyyep.bsky.social and ALSO read and follow her hilarious and relatable blog rantmetheserenity.com IT IS WORTH IT ALWAYS YEP I HAVE SPOKEN

Hi #portfolioday, I’m Nick an artist out of MA (soon to NC) with a focus on horror and tabletop games. I have a website nickeldoodle.com wow ok thanks

THE NEW SORROWSCOPES ARE HERE! TELL YOUR FRIENDS. TELL YOUR ENEMIES. TELL BLUESKY ABOUT YOUR FAVORITE ASTROLOGERS

Aries: If you had a chance to do it all over again, you’d make the same fucked up choices.

Taurus: You will have the opportunity to exact a terrible vengeance. Take it. Treat yourself.

Gemini: Sure, your life choices will ultimately be your undoing, but you’re the type of stubborn that makes Fate weep so there’s that.

Cancer: You may not get everything that you want, but that's just because the universe hates you.

Leo: Instead of fixating on your own flaws, turn that magnifying glass onto other people. Use sunlight to incinerate them like the disgusting insects they are.

Virgo: You are destined to become the best in your chosen profession, in a last person alive sort of way.

Libra: If you’re considering a big purchase, now’s the time to go for it, as the purchase will drain the last of your funds. And then you won’t be able to make any big purchases. Dumbass!!