I've got a good feeling about this bank of mysterious fog moving against the wind to blanket our isolated small town.

Note from HR: Our lion tamer reports increased job satisfaction since we eliminated the lion agitator position from payroll.

I hate it when I uncover an ancient artifact that grants me extraordinary powers only to discover that I am now a pawn in an eternal cosmic battle between the forces of light and darkness

Your honor my client loves crime

{holds finger to earpiece} I’m being told that the divine epiphanies I’ve been having are in fact just basic pattern recognition

Is it too pretentious to quote Kierkegaard in a death threat to your mechanic?

CHECK OUT OUR SPECIAL NEW YEAR'S EDITION OF SORROWSCOPES! TELL YOU FRIENDS. TELL YOUR ENEMIES. TELL THE MONSTER INSIDE YOU THAT WILL NEVER BE SLAIN

Aries: Live, laugh, lower your expectations.

Taurus: You will live like a king this year. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.

Gemini: It’s a new year full of human interactions to avoid.

Cancer: New year. New you? Let’s hope so.

Leo: You will enjoy a brush with fame this week when you meet your cousin's new boyfriend, whose band "almost opened for Candlebox" in 1993.

Virgo: New year, new you. There is literally a new version of you out there hunting you down. Good luck!

Libra: You will finally get everything you deserve this year, which is great news for your enemies.

Scorpio: That pattern you've been noticing is real and it's the key to understanding everything. Of course you'll need to gather a lot more data, so it's imperative that you neglect all relationships and responsibilities. You must focus on the pattern.

Sagittarius: People will be much less impressed when they find out your story about beating the devil at the crossroads involves you playing Super Mario Brothers 3.

Capricorn: Your desire to travel may be awakened by a pack of pale wolves that surround your apartment complex. Now’s the time to finally check if that door in the laundry room connects to the old mineshaft. Hurry!!

Aquarius: It's time to put all the disappointments and misery of 2025 behind you and look forward to 2026, which will have lots of new disappointments and misery in store for you.

Pisces: Against impossible odds, this year looks even worse for you.

The future is not written in stone, but the new SorrowScopes will give you a glimpse of the terrible possibilities. @sorrowscopes.bsky.social

CHECK OUT OUR SPECIAL NEW YEAR'S EDITION OF SORROWSCOPES! TELL YOU FRIENDS. TELL YOUR ENEMIES. TELL THE MONSTER INSIDE YOU THAT WILL NEVER BE SLAIN

Aries: Live, laugh, lower your expectations.

Taurus: You will live like a king this year. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.

Gemini: It’s a new year full of human interactions to avoid.

Cancer: New year. New you? Let’s hope so.

Leo: You will enjoy a brush with fame this week when you meet your cousin's new boyfriend, whose band "almost opened for Candlebox" in 1993.

Virgo: New year, new you. There is literally a new version of you out there hunting you down. Good luck!

Libra: You will finally get everything you deserve this year, which is great news for your enemies.

Scorpio: That pattern you've been noticing is real and it's the key to understanding everything. Of course you'll need to gather a lot more data, so it's imperative that you neglect all relationships and responsibilities. You must focus on the pattern.

Sagittarius: People will be much less impressed when they find out your story about beating the devil at the crossroads involves you playing Super Mario Brothers 3.

Capricorn: Your desire to travel may be awakened by a pack of pale wolves that surround your apartment complex. Now’s the time to finally check if that door in the laundry room connects to the old mineshaft. Hurry!!

Aquarius: It's time to put all the disappointments and misery of 2025 behind you and look forward to 2026, which will have lots of new disappointments and misery in store for you.

Pisces: Against impossible odds, this year looks even worse for you.

For the last few days on X, people (mainly women, and sometimes children) have had nonconsensual images of them in swimsuits (or much worse) requested by users and created by Grok. Musk's only apparent response thus far has been to crack jokes about it.

Hello! My old friend's wife got very sick while visiting family & is stuck in the hospital far from home. Medical bills are piling up & they need help, if you can spare any $$. Thank you!! gofund.me/ecff4726f

Thank you to everyone who has picked up a copy of my first short story collection. Your interest is much appreciated, a rare bright spot in a grim year.

Aries: The talking doll has some career advice.

Taurus: Live fast, die young, and leave a deeply confusing browser history.

Gemini: This is a great week to start a creative project. Try making something new like a blanket or a friend.

Cancer: A mixed bag for you this week when you posthumously win the office death pool.

Leo: Your family's love for you is like a rainbow: an ephemeral trick of the light.

Virgo: You’re living the dream! The one where everything sucks.

Libra: Libra is on a holiday break, so please enjoy this Classic Sorrowscope from 1637: The Widow Jeffords is a witch! Take heed!!!

Scorpio: You will have a wonderful realization and then a few really bad ones and then another pretty good one, but not so good it gets you outta the red. Still, one of your best weeks yet.

Sagittarius: This is a good week for self care. And maybe some clean clothes, mouthwash, and a new personality.

Capricorn: On the plus side, your death will prove that at least one cryptid is real.