Me trying to act normal after 3 beers

Trying to get ahead of that Joyce Carol Oates dunk

There are scams doing this under my name, too. I’ll never ever ever offer consultations for any price! Ever! I’m sorry! I’m too tired to consult on my own children’s school papers!

James Bond should be young, lithe and completely hairless

Oops!! All Nut November

Psyched to check out HAMNET, which I understand to be about a pig with a modem

Best TV show streaming on Mattel+ right now is Young Skeletor

American God turns Lot’s wife into a pillar of Ranch dressing

It seems like every mainstream Dem got the same instructions: you can say you don’t like the Senate caving on the shut down, but don’t explicitly criticize leadership or call for House Dems to tank the deal.

It might be a nice change of pace to have someone who isn’t me take a turn ruining my life

Democratic Senators just absolutely tanking on purpose in hopes of getting better picks in the expansion draft when we get new states

agreeing to make a terrible deal while your main opponent is quite literally being boo'd on live tv by an entire stadium of people is the kind of political instinct you'd normally only find in a 3 week old dead goldfish

democrats winning would cut into their fundraising

I don’t want to be cynical but unfortunately I have been alive for more 24 hours

I’m pretty sure winning a slam dunk lawsuit against this criminal extortion would have been cheaper than dropping $60m during a bad budget crunch. They didn’t cave to pressure. They collaborated with the regime and sold out their students and staff.

When you put pizza on a bagel you can do other more difficult things presumably

OVER A MILLION USERS DISCUSS SUICIDE WITH CHATGPT EVERY *WEEK* what the fuck are we DOING here

If your checking account goes underwater by $400 you get hit with fees that make your life harder, but if you lose $12 billion in 3 months you are a Visionary Genius

Read this thread. This is what @katmabu.bsky.social was protesting, and why she repeatedly says getting beaten up by ICE outside is nothing compared to the torture and crimes being committed inside Broadview. These thugs must be held to account.

one will power the globe for generations to come if not forever, while the other one convinces vulnerable people to kill themselves and/or others. a tough question

The ladies call me Neal Stephenson because I have a hard time finishing

Being well-liked and charismatic and having policy positions the majority of the electorate agree with might work in New York City but that doesn't mean it will work in places where every day is opposite day

This goes so far beyond creepy. “‘Rest easy, king,’ read the final message sent to his phone. ‘You did good.’”

BOW DOWN BEFORE THE ONE YOU SERVE YOU’RE GOING TO GET WHAT YOU DESERVE

To put this in scale, Elon Musk's salary from Tesla alone could fund the SNAP program for the entire country into 2034.

“Fuck land, I’m on a boat, motherfucker” is an elegant distillation of the ruling elite’s approach to climate change

What I thought when I read “the mayor-elect is opening a portal”

Right about now, the honk shoo brother

Move fast and break kids

I don't understand why they need a socialist solution when they could surely qualify for many loans with Silicon Valley Bank.

Was gonna say, “Ok, groomer,” but really just want to say fuck this guy forever.

Times Square evacuated as emboldened socialists seize M&M Store

The pundits shifting effortlessly from “the left can’t win” to “the left isn’t being gracious enough now that they’ve won”

And this is why the corporate class shut down Teen Vogue.

Fun fact: The real reason for the Iraq war was so Dick Cheney could enslave an ancient Mesopotamian djinn, which brought Cheney and the GOP two more decades of unnatural life and electoral success. The former VP’s long overdue death freed the evil spirit, paving the way for Democratic victories.

Just casually signing off my work emails with Inshallah starting tomorrow

Today is only the beginning. Our time has come, New York. Our time is now.

you can't draw a lot of conclusions from a single race. there are external factors, flawed candidates, the right political climate. but one conclusion you can absolutely draw is that all of the people who tell you that there's only one way things can be are fucking wrong

thank you for the outpouring of support! those of us laid off from Teen Vogue yesterday are now sharing our GoFundMe to help us cover our emergency expenses now that we've lost our incomes, as we get back on our feet.

This is worse than the worst thing ever attributed to any “Bernie Bro”. The Democratic leader literally refusing to say WHETHER HE VOTED FOR THE DEMOCRAT.

every week trump admin pulls out some new freak and is like "Here's Charles Pepperoni hes in charge of the navy now" and then Charles Pepperoni is like "we use virgins' fingernails instead of dollars now"

I want a girl with a short skirt and a bad sandwich

We’ve gotten numb to it but Trump threatening NYC voters with federal funding to vote a certain way is the kind of shit that should get him unanimously impeached today. Insane fascist bullshit.

Refreshing NYC poll results like I’m waiting for Gandalf to show up at Helm’s Deep

“There’s no going back. We *broke* something here today, something good, something that can never be put right again” — me, when I open the dishwasher before the cycle is finished.

I think most people understand that a better, more just world really is possible, which is why they get so fucking mad if you remind them of that

I know I’ve said this before but him not know who the guy is…… is a million times worse

do you think during the 2024 cycle there were more stories about trumps plans to invade mexico or a few trans kids playing sports with their friends