Me: “December 25 was arbitrarily chosen by the early Roman church because it was already the celebration of Sol Invictus, so the date really doesn’t matter, I don’t know why everything has to close.” My parents: “well thank you anyway for the $15 Exxon-Mobil gift card and the wiper fluid”

"You there, boy! [slurpy inhale sound] What day is it?"

Guy at Home Depot won’t tell me where they keep the good crucifixion nails

My brother and I killed Santa in 1995 when we sharpened a bunch of #2 Ticonderoga pencils and put them sharp side up at the bottom of our chimney. I'm sorry everyone.

quick get MAD TV back on the air so i can pitch Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Mister Lawrence

The Cracker Barrel thing was THIS YEAR. We have three more years of this shit. Anybody who makes it to 2028 without looking like Nosferatu will be required by the state to start a skincare brand.

Hallmark movie where a big city guy travels to small-town Romania to meet his fake AI mail order bride, then loses all his money and is viciously beaten by Andrew Tate’s goons

Uh oh, look out!

facebook should be destroyed and about a third of this country needs to go live on a farm where they get enrichment treats like those pumpkins they put out for zoo bears on halloween

Rivers Cuomo coming out of retirement to play for the Indianapolis Colts

call us old fashioned but, if you've built a machine that makes child porn, we really don't care if can do anything else. unplug the machine.

Your power bill has tripled and you can't afford new PC parts just to create this.

In many cultures it is considered polite to burp after eating pussy

I was maybe 10 or 12, watching MTV with my older brother, there was a video with a tight-panted singer (Joan Jett maybe?) with a visible thigh gap. He pointed at her and said something like “you see how her legs are apart like that? That means she had a baby.”

americans are going crazy for the nordic concept of fyggenürd which loosely translates as "an hour free of dread"

If you got a problem, yo, I'll solvent, check out the gunk, isopropyl dissolves it

Santa please do not read this. *cries and pouts while not watching out*

Big Chungus has lasted almost 20 times longer than the Confederacy

They should do a remake of BIG right now and it’s a 13-year-old but he grew up online so he’s just like talking about how Warner Bros. doesn’t understand Batman and Sidney Sweeney is a four

lots of people on here complaining that they redacted the names of government officials but did you consider it would probably feel bad to be named in the epstein files? that it might hurt their feelings? right before christmas?

It’s just a coincidence that today was the day I finally scraped the “Honk If You Love Tropical Handjobs” bumper sticker off my car

Bank of America first started offering credit cards to women in 1974

‘retired alcoholic cop haunted by an unsolved cold case’ male stripper persona

One of the ways you can tell America is stronger than ever is that it’s almost Christmas and all anyone is talking about is a heavily redacted set of documents about sex monsters

As a huge fan of ███████ I feel gutted right now. Just an absolute betrayal of everything I thought ███████ stood for.

I love working at the Department of Justice and participating in a conspiracy to cover up the demented 80 year old president's sex crimes. I spend 18 hours a day redacting documents and there's a putrid husk where my soul used to be

Child Protective Services bundling Bob Cratchit’s scurvy-addled children into the back of a van

The only people I can trust are those little sprites that swim around my field of vision after I blow my nose too hard.

Far from the biggest problem here but: a zip up hoodie with no shirt under it? Gross

Good writing, even by fanfic standards, but if you follow the lore you'd know the Grinch has a cloaca not a penis, which renders most of this so far outside of the canon that I find it hard to recommend.

You! Me! Posting!

Sincerely one of the funniest things the WSJ has ever written or done. www.wsj.com/tech/ai/anth...

Whoomp! (There it is!) (Hamnet Funeral remix).mp3

Many people have called me a pillar of the Ella McCay fanfic community

"Zaslav will receive $30 million in "Golden Parachute' compensation along with $537 million in equity for a total of $567 million in a transaction-associated pay." half a billion dollars for being terrible at your job

i think funny last words before they give you lethal injection would be "are you guys mad at me?"

I’m using the law of attraction to manifest the sun going down slightly earlier tomorrow

My bad everybody, I’m the guy who keeps falling for those “we need 5 million people to sign this petition in the next 17 minutes to show you stand with Kamala!” spam texts

What if I’m going for a leisurely drive and 30-50 feral hogs challenge me to a drag race? What good will your precious speed limits do for me then

“Tell your children who the cowards were.”

If he’s already the most famous reindeer of all why do you have to keep singing a fucking song about him

The tech industry mindset is like “remember how upset you were that Nero played the fiddle while Rome burned? That’s why we’ve invented an automated fiddle!”

Sam Altman: hey I made a machine that stole literally all your stuff in order to make CSAM of your child actors, sometimes it encourages people to kill themselves Disney: Holy shit here's a billion dollars Altman: the machine loses more than that each week but thank you. Soon it will become god.

Two murderers, a criminal, and Luigi Mangione

Gavin Newsome is the smarmy rich kid from the swanky summer camp across the lake and our ragtag band of losers have to come together and defeat him in the big annual Field Day competition or else his evil rich dad will buy our struggling but lovable summer camp and turn it into a parking lot

If you drink just one pint of bleach every day you’ll never need to worry about Covid again

A Ulee from Ulee’s Gold skin has been added to Fortnite

Surprising they want to ditch Calibri for Times New Roman because these guys are clearly Wingdings! HEY OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

It Ends is now available to watch on the @letterboxd.social video store! Please watch our movie thanks! boxd.it/SBUi

I was disadvantaged in the duel as I had sold my pistols to buy a comb for my wife's beautiful hair. But as we turned on the count of ten, I saw she had shaved her head so loose hair would not interfere with her deadly bald aim.