The “nightmare scenario” for this year’s fall elections: I go to vote but forgot to study for the election, then I get a boner in front of the class and accidentally call the teacher “mom” and then all my teeth fall out

Okay, I’ve heard all the criticisms. I agree now that my plan to create a Jonestown on Mars was foolish and dangerous. I will instead be building a much more achievable Jonestown on the Moon

Playfully toeing that line between high-functioning weirdo and low-functioning normie

ah i can answer this trick question actually. novels are not a race

@theonion.com is so worth the subscription for this

Who could this be? Hmm…

ME: I need some sleep… THE GELATINOUS MASS OF SENTIENT ANXIETY THAT LIVES INSIDE MY CHEST AND FEEDS ON GRIEF: ʸᵒᵘ ˢʰᵒᵘˡᵈ ˡᵒᵒᵏ ᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ᶦⁿᵗᵉʳⁿᵉᵗ ME: I should look at the internet

Watched part of the new season of Queer Eye, and the whole “we just need to talk to each other” thing just feels so dated. Evil pedophiles are plotting to destroy our country, we don’t need to find common ground with them!

In 1946, cartoonist & illustrator Noel Sickles was sent by Life magazine to sketch the Nuremberg trials. Here is his sketch of the execution of Joachim Von Ribbentrop, who claimed at trial that his boss had made all of the important decisions, & that he was only following orders.

ME: yeah could i get the impossible burger with cheese. THE VIZIER WHO'S BEEN ADVISING ME: ahh, an excellent choice sire. an imitation of the genuine article. there are some "friends" of yours to whom it bears a passing similarity ME: you want anything VIZIER: [chuckles] what i want is of no import

KEEP HONKING I am trying to seduce my AI girlfriend’s step-aunt who had to become a stripper when her cupcake factory was hit by a meteor

It makes you sound crazy to say this out loud, but it's becoming increasingly clear that the United States government has been effectively toppled by a group of overt pedophiles

You will never as long as you live see a group of bigger, shameless sluts.

Might eschew some things later. Feels like a day for eschewing

The more I think about it, the more I’m convinced the Democrats have to push their hand immediately. The parallels with the delays and subsequent failures after January 6th are blaring warning signs about what will happen if they don’t go after the issues with ICE and CBP at the root RIGHT NOW.

By who? Who shot the person dead? You saw the video. We all know a federal agent shot a man dead who was prone on the ground. Also, it's not "according to officials." It's according to verified video seen with your eyes. Not saying what anyone can obviously see with their eyes is a form of lying.

Tomorrow’s front page of the Minnesota Star Tribune: Jan. 23, 2026

lol

If Democrats aren’t whipping votes against ICE funding, and letting conservative members vote to pass it, it means the Democratic Party supports ICE funding. If your opposition to fascism is performative, then you don’t actually oppose fascism.

Respectfully, look at this fucking bullshit that we’re dealing with, not a single person here has “taken the bait.” We have born witness as little kids are used as bait and neighbors are kidnapped on our streets. A mad dipshit is going to invoke the Insurrection Act regardless and you are blaming us

There is going to come a time in your life when you are chatting with a guy, at a barbecue or something, a new coworker maybe, a dad at school drop off, and he tells you he used to be in ICE. You’re going to need to spit on that guy

Someone knows who this evil dude is.

Constant criticism and societal disdain risks derailing technological innovation in the growing industry of Asbestos Snacks

One guy actually meant it and people believed him the other is obviously bullshitting because he’s a coward. Also Mamdani has plenty to say about authoritarian abuses.

who the fuck are these people talking to you want ME to invoke it?

Average Sunday show interview: OFFICIAL: we are going to dip enemies of the state into acid vats HOST: how will you pay for it? OFFICIAL: tariffs HOST: critics say tariffs don't generate acid vat money OFFICIAL: tariffs have generated more money than has ever existed HOST: thank u for ur time

My new right wing influencer bit will be that laptops are vagina-coded and real men need to use big bulky desktop tower PCs

Hmm you say the war on protein is over yet you are trying to expel immigrants who are made out of protein, interesting

ICE Agent testifying before Congress, manfully choking back tears: “they said ‘oops got your nose!’ and then they wouldn’t give it back”

How about instead requiring them to wear a name tag with a shortened URL that links to a QR code you scan to get their name and badge number

recreating lib cringe from first principles. this movement is finished

Whiskey Friday is nothing, they’re doing CBS Sunday Mornings from Garrison Keillor’s Fuck Dungeon

Okay actually it was just one person who called me the space cowboy

It’s time for lunch

This is my blood

highly recommend pairing Southern Comfort & The Thing in honor of T.K. Carter. a perfect '80s feel-bad double feature.

they bring a knife you bring a gun

*posting on twitter* oh ho, I’ve made a wry observation. Better make sure a bunch of pedophiles see it

The Norwegian Nobel Prize committee has been forced to make a statement, declaring that the prize cannot be transferred. It's hard even to comprehend how stupid this has become

rightwingers always call women “too emotional” but renee good states she’s not mad in a calm voice while the agitated emotional ICE agent unloads his gun umprompted and calls her a “fucking bitch” after she’s dead

In hindsight all those years of conservative handwringing about moral relativism and the Left not valuing human life was just yet one more example of them projecting their pathologies on the rest of us

All the lies they're telling about Renee Good are in service of an even bigger lie: that individual human lives have no intrinsic worth and are therefore theirs to dispose of. publiccomment.blog/p/the-poison...

hey when’s this guy’s next town hall

Make it viral.

I know it's not mainstream conventional wisdom but I think "Abolish ICE" is a perfectly reasonable response to this and you can get the public to buy in. Most people don't want masked murderous thugs roving their streets

Of course I do all my banking on the nazi AI child porn murder website. I can view recent transactions, set up autopay, and see videos of car crashes in which everyone involved was definitely killed.

It’s crazy that the fifth anniversary of January 6 is also the twenty fifth anniversary of 9/11