One time back when I was a kid, we were given 12 boxes of sparklers and sent out to play. We immediately scraped the stuff from all 144 sparklers into a paper cup and lit it on fire in the neighbor's driveway. It burned blindingly bright for about 20 seconds, and melted a hole in the asphalt.

Hurry up and drop that ass, girl! It's riddled with highly radioactive strontium-90. Where did you even find that ass, girl?

Surely he could have found a better way to take this picture.

Finally saw Steven Spielberg's movie 'Lincoln'. My favorite part is when E.T. was drinking beers while Abe stumbled around drunkenly during the Gettysburg Address.

If they did the World Cup on the Three Body Problem planet, they'd have to take dehydration breaks

do you wanna tell math-based ghost-stories, or is the poor little baby 2²

Oh hell yeah thanks Ontario Federation of Labour

in addition to being able to ‘delete’ an email in your inbox, i believe there should also be an option that sends the email directly to Hell and notifies the sender as such

Breaking the ice with your new partner about your piss fetish by dressing up as a pregnancy test for Halloween

Hey are you mad at me? I don't mean to pry but I noticed that your special gauge has been filling the entire time I've been talking and now it's flashing red?

ME: *holding prototype* It's like Hungry Hungry Hippos, but the hippos face outward, and when you hit the lever, their asses clap! See? *clap clap clap* CEO OF MILTON BRADLEY: I've ordered security to shoot you on sight. ME: Don't be afraid of the future, Milton.

...and if my electricity fetish is a sin, then may God strike me dead! Smite me so hard with lightning, sky daddy

i think the most honorable final act a fart can accomplish is probably to be a shart. “i am at peace with death and i am taking your underwear and pants with me.”

(trying crowd work at my first open mic) so what do you do? an accountant? like with numbers? dang.

Me: Haven't seen you in forever. How are you holding up? Mr. Game and Watch: *blip blip* Me: Whoa, hey man, we don't use words like that anymore.

Me: *painstakingly distills the essence of absurdity into a shining viral of pure, unmistakable comedy* Bluesky reply guy: *farts in it to hear his own asshole make an important noise about the tragic state of current affairs*

Mamdani, no! Get out of the pool!

Briefly checked in on my brother's Facebook page, and he reposted some smug AI slop saying "The climate change hoax suddenly went away once the environmentalists started wanting all the data centers. We noticed." Lost cause. Throw out the entire brother.

Surely he could have found a better way to take this picture.

What do you mean a dowry is something a woman's family is supposed to give a dude so he'll marry her? Look at this dork. He's the one who should be bringing the land and livestock. His mediocre dick game alone should cost 100 acres of wheat.

Have I ever eaten a moth? Yes. Would I eat a moth again? Probably. Is it weird that I'm telling you this because you didn't ask? Absolutely. But let me ask you this: Do you have any moths?

Hey folks, who'd like another Steam sale recommendation thread? Let's go! 1. Nine Sols Simply one of the best Metroidvanias ever. Takes inspiration from Hollow Knight with gorgeous hand drawn artstyle, mixes in the parry heavy combat of Sekiro, and Red Candle's exceptional narrative writing.

getting home from a long bike ride and rushing to the toilet for a cool splash of bidet water like dennis hopper huffing that go go gas in blue velvet

just passed by a guy on the sidewalk who was lighting a blunt and then answered his phone with ‘what’s crackin dickhole.’ oh, sir. good shabbos to YOU

Asgore and Harry DuBois sitting in a bar getting ripshit drunk and commiseratimg/arguing over who the more Divorced Guy is.

Deltarune chapter 5 is both a silly little game full of silly little guys and also an in-depth psychological autopsy of the Most Divorced Guy in video game history.

ME: (holding a fishbowl) I think my seahorse broke its tail VET: *loads a harpoon gun and euthanizes the inch-long seahorse, shattering the fishbowl and pinning me against the far wall*

Kirby: hiiiiiiii! Me: ... Kirby: ... Me: *narrows eyes* Kirby: *smiles, waves* Me: so what are you, some kinda titty with shoes?

You can post all your worst ideas now. It's Saturday morning, the only people who will see them are Europeans and Africans and Asians and Australians and possibly some Antarcticans.

me: the anatomic word for taste buds is papillae, which is latin for nipples. tattoo shop guy: cool. i'm still not doing the piercing.

it's 2028. I am fired from my minimum wage job of removing joyful murals from public spaces after screenshots emerge of me referring to my esteemed colleague, Microsoft Copilot 365, as a "festering minge".

If I'm ever too old to enjoy deltarune's whimsical nonsense, go ahead and put me in the ground, I'll be dead inside anyway.

Hurry up and drop that ass, girl! It's riddled with highly radioactive strontium-90. Where did you even find that ass, girl?

For a modest fee I will compose and deliver a cryptic letter to your funeral claiming you were an international master of espionage your entire life demanding that authorities reexamine the seemingly innocuous circumstances surrounding your death at the retirement home.

🕯️🕯️🕯️🕯️🕯️🕯️🕯️🕯️🕯️🕯️🕯️🕯️🕯️ One milkshake to rule the boys, one milkshake to find them, one milkshake to bring the boys and in my yard to bind them 🕯️🕯️🕯️🕯️🕯️🕯️🕯️🕯️🕯️🕯️🕯️🕯️🕯️

The wall mice invited me to their movie night

Me expressing my patriotism at a July 4th cookout long enough to get a plate of barbecue.

Whenever you flash this passport in another country, you have to bend over and receive the asskicking you have coming.

Times are hard in Silent Hill. Pyramid Head had to take a job at Benihana, using his big ass sword to fling shrimp into people's mouths.

I accidentally walked into a magic shop and was asked if I was magician and a life I never knew flashed before my eyes and I had to say no which felt unfair

[giraffe escapes enclosure in Texas] 911: Ma’am, we’re gonna need a description. Keeper: It’s a fuckin’ giraffe.

Become ungovernable

They made me watch The Mask on @nafmcpodcast.bsky.social If overstimulating was a person, it would be the mask monster. Join us! Staring @thenatewolf.bsky.social Introducing @murrman5.bsky.social Featuring @ladybroseph.bsky.social Like, love & share friendship wherever u go! youtube.com/@nafmc

ME: (holding a fishbowl) I think my seahorse broke its tail AQUATIC VET: *loads harpoon gun*

gravy-filled gushers meat snacks

As an enlightened modern male, I do not get angry and jealous when a person has a larger dingus than mine. Hell yeah, good for you, swing that pipe. More of this kind of attitude would have prevented every war.

Maybe women exist for other reasons than turning on chud dipshits.