I get bored easily, but I've never been so desperate to pass the time away that I worked on the railroad all day.

so beyond grateful to start my new job today. I can't believe I've been promoted to Chief Alienation Officer at the Male Loneliness Epidemic Factory. I promise, with me at the helm we'll make more men lonely than ever before ❤️

My only problem with mutual masturbation is women look sensual and perfect while they do it, meanwhile I look like I'm trying to get information out of a suspect.

nobody has ever described me as "radiant" but that's just because what I'm emitting isn't on the visible spectrum

I look "approachable"? I have fucked up, and have to fix this problem immediately.

This would activate my flight or fight response

I really like Jonathan Coulton's music, but like 63% of his original songs are incel-coded cringe.

Hi I am dingle by chance

SOCRATES: No god is a philosopher or seeker after wisdom, for he is wise already; nor does any man who is wise seek after wisdom. PLATO: Neither do the ignorant seek after wisdom. DARRYL, SOCRATES AND PLATO’S FRIEND: well well well if it isn’t the blowjob brothers

Why yes, I am excellent at photo editing, and also political commentary, thank you for pointing that out.

If you’re wondering what a “least weasel” is, they absolutely live up to the name. This is the least amount of animal you can have that can still meet the bar for “is weasel”

If all you think about Black Southern History and all you bring up is slavery? Then you are missing out. Black southern history and culture is not about suffering. It's about art, history, language, music, food, and our accomplishments.

sometimes an Oxford comma can make all the difference

FRANKENSTEIN Chapter 1 Fellas, Is it gay to fall in love with a weird dude I found on an ice sledge in the middle of desolate Arctic seas

Knowing about Rosalind Franklin is the new knowing about mitochondria being the powerhouse of the cell. We all know, man.

The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.

trying to explain to an alien that you can make a stinky face when music is bad but it’s also normal to do so when it’s good

The hole in a guitar is traditionally used to store soft cheeses and dried meats which are fed to the drummer when he does a good job

Take what you need: ~ Eat shit ~ Have a great day

if you don't have a chimney santa enters your home via clausmosis

hello! freg!

[hot ones] me: *finishes off gallon of milk* sean evans: ok are you ready for your first wing

succubus - female demon that seduces men incubus - male demon that seduces women vengabus - non-binary demon that likes to party

Jeef Berky anyone?

NEW @nafmcpodcast.bsky.social w/ FIRST WIVES CLUB -John Wayne Gacy for some reason -big dawg needs a big bowl -8 hours -cozween -long underwear -7th hell -Dewey doc Hudson -quiz, medals and ratings open.spotify.com/episode/2hAy... podcasts.apple.com/ca/podcast/t...

It would take 1.4 billion cats stacked on top of each other to reach the moon. But I've never been able to stack more than 3 or 4 cats so I just don't see it happening

Me: I'm not coming in today. I was up all night with diarrhea. Boss: You're not on the schedule today. Me: Yeah I know, I said I wasn't coming in.

Playing NMS while the edible peaks

Me: I'm not coming in today. I was up all night with diarrhea. Boss: You're not on the schedule today. Me: Yeah I know, I said I wasn't coming in.

[about to confuse everyone at the party] I mean obviously you have to separate the art from the artist but orville redenbacher makes the best popcorn

@nafmcpodcast.bsky.social @ladykate.bsky.social Nick thinks he's Russell Crowe in Gladiator going to Elysium

Contributing to the Butlerian Jihad by punting a Furby into the fireplace

[Approaching the counter at the sex shop and forgetting what a "Chastity Cage" is called] "Yeah do you have uhhhh-"

"i have arachnaphobia" ok dude just say youre a massive pussy next time. ill hire strippers with a normal amount of arms and eyes for your 2nd marriage bachelor party after this one fails because youre a boring puritan

scrolling back on your media tab so far that I see your sonogram

Me: *hovering in midair, weeping black flames, strange glyphs swirling around my body in Eldritch scripts, bellowing in Latin* My Boss, going around the table at our weekly team meeting: ...okay, we'll just circle back to you later

Contributing to the Butlerian Jihad by punting a Furby into the fireplace

Post your loot drop

Chewing nicotine gum doesn't make you want to vape less, it just makes you addicted to gum, which is almost as embarrassing

.....please..... no more sandwich puns....i have a family

Doing something that's not a bit, as a bit

samwinch

Every time you generate AI art, you use as much water as flushing a toilet, with the similar result of moving turds around

RFK Jr: You know, if someone… collapses in front of you the best course of action is… to leave immediately, because their soul just… came out and it’s flying around the room looking for a new… vessel at that point

And this is what they call “the ole Chappaquiddick Farewell” in the Kennedy family, dude couldn’t help it, it’s in his blood.

doctor: do you want the penis news or the asshole news first

becoming the new marie kondo with my “drink 4 beers and throw things out impulsively” method

The cool thing about the casting of Link and Zelda is that either one of them could be Link or Zelda

god, if she wants me to ask her out, please give me some sort of sign *three blocks away a cement truck careens into a stop sign, which flies through the air like a sawblade, decapitating me instantly*

When your bestie belongs in a museum.