Grocery store cashier making small talk today said "I don't know about that Bad Bunny halftime show..." then trailed off, checking my eyes for a green light to say something truly horrendous.

If any Aussie friends want to DM me the final score, I'll split my gambling winnings with you

why don't you incrementally change these nuts

I point the gun at Gosling, then Reynolds. "Neither of us is a clone!" Reynolds says. "No shit, Gosling—no one said anything about clones!"

Trump is going to die, and soon. The apparatus that put him in place will still be there. Electing anyone not determined to tear it down will guarantee it will happen over and over and over. The Democratic establishment is not living up to the moment. We're allowed to be pissed at them over that.

reminding my mom that she said I could get a nose ring when I’m 50

You get those stickers for the nectarines made? "Sure did boss, real fuckin creepy just like you asked"

When you're reading a book, do you imagine the characters as new people you've never seen or met, or use author descriptions to "cast" celebrities or people you know from real life?

You go to a lot of potluck dinners for someone who claims not to like communism

I know it still says sold out or on backorder a few places, but I Will Kill Your Imaginary Friend for $200 is entering its THIRD print run. We will get your books to you! It's too late to change your mind. They're coming. They're on the way. They will find you. God, they're so hungry.

🚨TIJUANA BIBLE #1 IS READY🚨 I GOT 25 PRINTED COPIES OF MY FIRST TIJUANA BIBLE LET ME KNOW IF YOU WANT ONE THEY WILL BE AUTOGRAPHED

Important news: Movie titles that begin with "I," in English are very funny in Spanish.

SCORPION: take me across the river FROG: if I do that, you'll sting me S: if I sting you, we'll both drown F: ok, that makes sense *halfway across the river* F: so? S: so what? F: sting me S: what? F: sting me, like you promised S: no F: sting me so we'll both drown S: *crying* what is happening?

DYK @nafmcpodcast.bsky.social did a full spread for Playgirl Magazine under the name of Mike Honcho. We watched Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby Join Driver @thenatewolf.bsky.social Pit Crew @murrman5.bsky.social Crew Chief @ladybroseph.bsky.social open.spotify.com/episode/6xWt...

I'm glad all the fascism and systemic corruption System of a Down sang about in Toxicity (2001] are over now

Fake audiophiles "listen" to vinyl records on turntables, like posers. A true audiophile knows the purest way to experience music is to marvel at the peaks and valleys in the record grooves with an electron microscope.

I recently bemoaned that the Democrats aren't engaging in enough theatrical antics to get people riled up and somehow memoryholed that this is what it looks like when they try.

"Double Bacon Cheeseburger. It's for Greg Bovino"

Nooooo, my opportunity! Now how will I enjoy the today?!

Thinking about the Nine Sols OST again

I'm outside your window with a guitar, beautifully singing 'More Than Words'. You live on the 34th floor. A crane is holding me up by my underwear band.

You should be able to make all your holes whistle, and in harmony. I should be able to play the entirety of Bohemian Rhapsody when I'm bored at work

I may be dating myself here, but I don't see anyone else willing to do it

Don't make me tap the sign.

MY FIRST TIJUANA BIBLE IS ALMOST FINISHED!!!!

I noticed something weird in Twin Peaks

Lovely, and heartbreaking. Help out his family if you can: everloved.com/life-of/dan-...

just tried out "making a healthy choice" in order to "improve the quality of my life" and it's dumb, hate it, can not believe some of you live this way all the time

Turns out zip ties make excellent frames for dollhouse art (3x2 cm)

Fake audiophiles "listen" to vinyl records on turntables, like posers. A true audiophile knows the purest way to experience music is to marvel at the peaks and valleys in the record grooves with an electron microscope.

I'm not great with fine motor skills. Or gross motor skills. My motor may actually just be a hamster in a wheel.

Nice circus, dude. That’s probably, what, like two rings? Oh it’s one ring? That’s crazy. Oh no mine has three yeah. No I don’t really bring it up it’s like people think I’m bragging I guess. A one ring circus is cool though man.

Pinky peachy dove. Ink and watercolour

Don't see a lot of viable competition in the rock community to be the next Prince of Darkness. A bunch of nerd-ass dukes and pretenders to the throne. A power void.

The chess pieces are all boys, without exception. Except that tall one that can move around everywhere. Oh, right, and one of the knights. We love her and are proud of her for coming out.

Viking: So if I'm a good warrior and die bravely, I get to go to Valhalla Odin: Yes! Viking: ...where I will fight in another war Odin: Yep. Viking: ...which I will lose. Odin: Haha yeah Viking: ... Odin: The beer's good, though.

I'm glad all the fascism and systemic corruption System of a Down sang about in Toxicity (2001] are over now

I may be dating myself here, but I don't see anyone else willing to do it

Look, not all of us can afford to go to Disneyland

Whenever I get really confused, I like to yell "third base!" It's a reference to an old Abbot and Costello sketch. Just thinking of those two old dudes getting all confused and finger-blasting each other is so funny to me. It calms me. I just love that. "Third base!" they met Dracula you know

PIKACHU used STEELY KNIFE on THE BEAST! It's SUPER INEFFECTIVE!

the five new overwatch heroes: 1) corporate dominatrix 2) princess azula 3) pretransition twink ninja 4) jetpack cat (it's a cat. with a jetpack) 5) SOLDIER Cassidy Tacticool Epic call of duty apex legends multi-purpose Elite hero for Men tortured soul epic Grenade Gun Shooting gun camo cowboy SALE

1932: A young couple goes hungry for weeks to afford a solid oak credenza. Something to pass down to their children, and their children’s children. A hope for the future. 2025: A young man named “Bunghole” vomits a Zyn pouch into the credenza’s top drawer before tossing it out a second-story window

If I make a joke that's clearly not about politics, I'm doing that willfully. I'm making myself think about something else for a moment, for brain reasons. Riffing with a Trump joke is an act of violence.

You ever watch 'My Neighbor Totoro' and think to yourself "this is great, but it needs way more violence and dick jokes?" I strongly recommend @brockway.bsky.social's 'I Will Kill Your Imaginary Friend for $200'

WaPo, pre-Bezos: Democracy Dies in he Dark 😠 WaPo, post-Bezos: Democracy Dies in the Dark 😃

The obvious implications aside, it's very funny that grown-ass billionaire men need assistants to arrange a playdate for them like toddler moms.

It feels so fancy to say something has a certain 𝓳𝓮 𝓷𝓮 𝓼𝓪𝓲𝓼 𝓺𝓾𝓸𝓲. The literal translation is "I don't know what it is". A very French way to say "🤷🏻‍♂️".

willy nilly, or William Nihilism if ur nasty