A bel biv devoe bahn mi shop called that girl is hoisin

"engage your core" what am I, a nuclear power plant? The earth? Do I look like an apple to you?

This is when I traditionally let my feelings expire in order to make room for different days I'll fall in love with but my love diary says it's gonna be a rebound year. I must have bought a similar cheaper notebook

I plead cringe, your Honor

As I take the ceremonial daggers and decorative harpoons down from the mantle, from my conclave to yours, best wishes in the New Year.

Sitting here without my glasses on, micro-dosing the innocence before the fall.

Just making sure that 2025 is definitely over

Built a small car out of washing machine parts. Going to take it for a spin this morning.

bumper sticker that says "honk if you just found yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile"

I like living on the west coast so I can see how new year's is going before experiencing it myself. I like to be prepared. No giant new year's spiders emerging from the sewers? Sweet, good to know. Many giant new year's spiders emerging from the sewers? Not ideal, but at least I won't be surprised.

thinking back to that wild decade when nye novelty sunglasses had two zeros right next to each other. what a glorious time.

both the puppet show and Spinal Tap cancelled on the Kennedy Center

Santé, friends. Happy new year, and good luck out there. 🥂

My New Year’s resolution is to read more books, eat more scones, and use more Oxford commas.

here lie the sons of the hamburgers you could not help

Apparently my insurance company doesn’t cover trying to drive your car up into the back of a moving semi trailer like knight rider.

No one better make me rue this day

pour one out to an icon www.bbc.co.uk/news/article...

Working for decades as a subeditor at a local newspaper, patiently waiting for a viral outbreak so I can use the headline Hot Shingles in Your Area

one time i saw that someone was calling me so what i did was i gently set my phone down on the kitchen table, went outside to the street, opened a manhole cover, got inside, put the cover back on & i was never seen again.

“Just one more thing, Ms Bondi… … If The Epstein Files are a hoax, why the redactions?”

What’s your backup career plan? 1. moat monster caretaker 2. fog phantom 3. wrestling raccoons for fun & profit 4. hermit of the cursed end of the forest

I’m not gonna say my biggest accomplishment of 2025 yet because I still have 3 more days.

A haunted house but you’re expected to plan and cook dinner in every single room

The thread count of this entanglement.

I went to the grocery store for the first time since Christmas. Bleary eyed, I turned slightly away from the overhead lights. The other shoppers looked surprised to be there as well. It was everyone’s first day of life.

Hour eight of the power outage. I placed a lantern beside the cat’s salver, and after a withering look he began to eat his croquettes. I assigned myself some sightless busywork nearby, even though we were actually both listening to the eavestrough embracing its full failure just outside the window.

my teacup and i have an understanding. it holds the heat, i hold the silence. neither of us mentions the future.

I just ate a roll that’s so stale it qualifies as a percussion instrument.

when your post dies on the timeline

Yeah well my buddy already lost his job to artificial intelligence. He was an art thief.

2026 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm

Having a bug-out bag is a great idea unless you're trying to store insects.

I'm living the dream. Unfortunately, it's the dream where I forget to wear pants to work.

Ruin two bands by combining them: Earth, Arcade & Fire

I know that it's difficult for kids these days because everything stays on the internet forever, but remember that in the beforetimes, whenever you'd sung a flat note in your successful radio single, you'd have to go on all the variety shows and lip sync missing that same note over and over again.

villainizing orcas for elbow dropping yachts and billionaire owned boats is actually crazy.

Whoever invented the wrench became a tighten of industry.

Missed my interview at Random House because I guessed wrong.

Y’all might not appreciate it, but it took him 87 moves and 14 hours to get here

What to bringe on a roade trippe wyth Dante to Los Angeles? Litel woolen hatte. Backuppe litel woolen hatte. Copye of Boethius. Olde ipod wyth a bunche of Magnetic Fieldes songes on it. List of wryteres homes yn Los Angeles. Anothir litel woolen hatte just yn case the othir two get lost.

A good relationship is all about anticipating wants and needs. Pay attention to when they want to socialise and when they need their space. You'll also need to balance the temperature and humidity in their terrarium, and remember to hand-feed them live crickets at least once a day.

It was the evening after And all through the house We were back to being morose And listening to Bauhaus

Thought I saw a delicious pizza in the creek, shimmering up at me, but it turned out to be fool’s pizza—a big disc of iron pyrite that just looked like pizza, & tasted, at best, like a stale focaccia.

There are pain au chocolat crumbs in my marabou cuffs, not a euphemism.

my cousin anthony just quit his job at a rideshare company. he’s exuberant

Pre-emptively organizing my regrets.

You can pretend to have your shit together if you want. They don’t really check

I want to tell you, "It was the steak," the one I bought for our Christmas together last year, but that we didn't eat because you cancelled. I tucked it in the freezer for the next time you came to dinner, which you never did. So I type back, "I'm full too," but omit that I've eaten an entire year.

As the world changes around us at a dizzying rate, remember that the forest always accepts you as you are, and is waiting to welcome you with gnarled roots, brambles, fangs, claws, pointy antlers, and a dark mossy gloom. Take comfort in that.