the secret to good posting is none of my business

referring to everything that is not burning as "off fire"

“Spelunker.” Such a funny word. Anyway, have they found your husband yet?

I was motionless for too long & the succulents threw a net over me & tied me to the floor like Gulliver.

alright alright don't get your jorts in a junch

First, the good news. The bathwater has been disposed of.

I still can't get over the fact that it was a white boy playing that funky music

The wall mice invited me to their movie night

It's like meeting the man of your dreams when all you need is a knife

Game Show where they psychoanalyze you for prizes called What's Your Deal?

When the French translate your signs True Montréal one

me and the boys are gonna follow this ghastly floating light deeper into the swamp if you want to join

I checked all my plants for condensation this morning. I did my dew diligence.

They considered ignoring the stop sign, knowing that this old company town was now fully abandoned, but chose to make a complete stop out of some kind of respect for what had once been. "When You're Here You're Home," announced the mural across the street.

all my dms say this

It may not solve all of the world’s problems, but I think we can all agree that having more bakeries, libraries, museums, and bookstores would be an important first step.

you can create a ton of personal space with an oar

Right behind you

putte on thyne redde shoon and daunse the blues to the songe a-playinge on the radio while the stained glas doth lighte up thy face swaye thrugh the fayre to an emptye glade -- And yf thou sayest runne, Ich runne wyth thee Yf thou sayest hide, then O! hide shal we

my haters have made a couple salient points

canadians: don't forget to leave tea and biscuits out for queen victoria tonight

I’m reading a book from the wrong side, looking up through it so the words look like ants on a skylight, everything reversed & upside down, every word its own bewildering narrative, interlocked with the words around it, entangled in the words on the pages before & afterward.

QTP with your favorite Disney princess ⚔️

Got a notification from a medieval copyright lawyer

At the casino, winning big, because the library book I put on hold 9 months on Libby ago is finally available.

it’s time owls started pondering different questions

Grackles are emptying my eavestroughs. I'm really leaning into my Rebate Snow White persona.

[before pepper spray was invented] Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect's face* Say when.

[On a date] I'm really trying to bring cloaks back

Still get pretty excited when I know something.

post a meme made by you A Sunday Afternoon at the Inauguration, 2021 Mixed meme on internet

People make fun of me for carrying a briefcase, but when I show them that it's filled with a series of incrementally smaller briefcases tucked into one another like Russian dolls they stop laughing, and start looking for an excuse to leave.

i got the my ac blower knob mixed up with the volume knob and man did the heat get loud in there

Dance like the black monolith isn’t watching

Don’t push me. I’ll come for you. Systemically, like a bark beetle.

Please excuse any typos as I am encountering turbulence in my hot air balloon

[haunting kazoo melody]

Sleep coach: Relax and clear your mind. Insomnia coach: Remember in 5th grade when Jennifer Danforth waved in your direction so you waved back but she yelled “Eww, not you!” and everyone laughed? Good, you’re doing great.

Thanks, but I prefer my enemies diabolical, smart, extremely hot, & often wearing low-cut leather pants.

Following decades of silence from the Smithsonian, I've thrown my old report cards away.

The Shining (1980): A failing writer's horrifying waste of paper is avenged by shrubbery.

Keep your food for thought, I’ll stick to my beverages for feelings.

Ambulance at the axe-throwing place, I'm sure they were just booking a time or saying hey

My whimsy came at a very high price, which is why I refuse to let anyone take it from me

I've decided that being a good example is fucking pointless. I wish I could stop but I'm in too deep.

One day I'll be found crushed under a pile of stupid sweaters.

I go to the grocery store often enough that my mood gets thrown off when one of the checkers I like seems depressed.

cinco de mayo landing on a taco tuesday this year is the new singularity