I find it really difficult to pay prolonged attention to you when you flicker in and out of this dimension like that.

“So it was, on that misty morning, that Brenda set off for the capital. She knew not what she would find there, only that the time had come to move on - away from small-minded rural attitudes and people who called her ‘Oreo’ and ‘the wide panda’ - to seek a more fulfilling life.”

my to do list is so long it may as well be a fantasy novel

As a Mass guy, I envy the way the word ‘holler’ rolls off the tongue of someone from West Virginia or Kentucky. Up here, we say ‘a chucklefuck just left the packie and whipped 10 losing scratch tickets into the ditch – or holler – next to the Dunks’

As you go to work today to start another week, it may help to remember that Skeletor was often thwarted by his own inept henchman too

Hey Friends, if you're looking for comedy, I've got you covered

The abyss called. Your screams are noted.

Not to brag, but I’m not one to brag.

Here I am, deploying a cover letter and CV for yet another gig I won't get, since I still haven't figured out where I apply to become a secretive late-career novelist who performs all the voices while testing out potential plot points on a sleeping cat in a gothic mansion. I have experience.

to my new followers- are you a ghost? you have to tell me if you’re a ghost, or else it’s entrapment

John Fetterman looks like something the Flintstones would use to cut grass.

Did the NYT ruin journalism?

Too many things are classified as pesky when they’re actually full on demonic.

Grief eventually leads to joy, which you'll know when you've cried so hard your nose makes a noise just like a clown's nose being honked

You're in her DMs, my reassembled body is in her cellar, after being partially reanimated with dark sciences and fell magick

You're in her DMs, I'm wasting away in her family's seaside cottage with unquenched longing, vicissitudes of the heart, and Cholera

You are in her DMs I am also in her DMs, our eyes meet from across the room, we both realize that she's not interested in either of us, we quietly leave and never speak of this again

if you can have your soup in a bowl made of bread why can’t I have my coffee in a cup made of cinnamon coffee crumble cake

I wish to unsubscribe from love and register for periodically having someone cover my saved shopping carts at my local bookstores.

It's really nice to glance over at the US and see it had a good day

Sometimes I'll throw a random object into the air unexpectedly to see if I can trick gravity just this once. It never works

You remind me of myself before I got trapped in an antique clock

THE INVENTOR OF LIFE INSURANCE: what if I told you that you could be in a Dateline documentary

can’t tell if my antidepressants aren’t working or if they just weren’t built for this. like, zoloft was introduced in the 90s it barely needed to work then. if you got sad you could just buy a house.

Gonna go lie under a tree and hope the falling leave smother me

Just saw a woman in a Denny’s uniform walk into Waffle House with a clinched fist and a lit cigarette in her mouth. I think it’s about to go down

turns out “The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain!” isn’t even meteorologically accurate; the rain in Spain falls mainly in the mountains and north of the country, not in the plains i’m just so tired of all the lies

I was helping my son with his english homework and I told him that a smidgen was a small pigeon so now I have another meeting with his teacher.

I live in mortal fear of mispronouncing pecan in public.

The time change doesn’t bother me. I always keep some daylight saved in a jar on my kitchen counter

But I imagine this is a huge relief to our fishing boats.

gonna try out my time machine later tonight, probably just go back an hour

The end of daylight saving time is fun because we get to enjoy an extra hour of the dumbest time in history.

JD Vance obvs just pissing off Usha so he can sleep with the couch

world series game 7 spoiler alert: everyone wins due to the power of friendship

It's time to become one with the trees by wearing their discarded leaves as masks and standing very still

This is how I'm gonna look every time someone dislikes one of my posts

And so ends our night of pretend horror. We now return you to our regularly scheduled horror, reality.

Good news, you guys: my Hallowe'en costume just arrived.

Joggers? Oh no, dear. These are sitters.

Don’t know why trick-or-treaters are annoyed I’m scooping guacamole into their bags. It’s a premium add-on

KID: You didn't dress up? ME: Of course I did. KID: Who are you supposed to be then? ME: A band student who's forgotten to practice for the concert next week. KID: [eyes widen]

Don’t forget to put out a saucer of milk for Cat Sìth tonight

Not sure I've got room for potion #9 right now, I was testing numbers 1-8 all day and I feel funny, weird, angry, morose, delighted, excited, damned, and thrilled. Maybe love later.

they got me working in the lab late tonight smh

Seated at the poker table & suddenly I am not holding cards but 5 perfectly formed, freshly cooked pancakes.

With the right shorts anyone can be a creature of the night.

That thump from under the floorboards sure has been a lot louder lately.

Putting a few packets of Gauloises out just in case any of the trick-or-treaters are French exchange students.

A haunted house but every room is just another online guru telling you the best way to optimize your morning routine