If strobe lights gave me seizures, I'd be strobing every free moment

IG keeps showing me ads for psychiatric help and...I didn't think it was that obvious

Hot take: Umami is just salty I've tried tasting anything more than salt in umami and I just can't

Evil people should die from their own stupidity, but I'll take what I can get

I'm stuck. I need dinner ideas

i will like the reply, but not the original, as a bit

if serial killers wanted to murder people without being punished, they should have just gone into politics

Bluesky: Post a banger that isn't in English Me: Informer by Snow (this joke isn't worth the actual video link)

Pro tip: If you are planning to give up something for Lent, pick something easy like asparagus or hope.

Dr. Kellogg invented cereal in 1898 as an anti-masturbatory aid. In 1987, as a way to apologize, Kellogg's came around full circle with the release of the Nuttin' Honey Crunch, which specifically advocated jerking off.

If through some lottery I suddenly became Supreme Ruler, I'd simply use my carefully curated oomfs as my advisors, tbh

I bet the guy who named mother-of-pearl was a REAL fuckin' weirdo.

Is hating hate hateful? I'm so confused

celebrate President's Day by impeaching the president

Why be part of the problem when you could be all of the problem

I don't believe anyone gets President's Day off, it's a myth right

President's Day? Oh, you mean mattress sale day?

I don’t celebrate this day. I don’t believe in presidents

His body will lay in state upon a 40% off Posturpedic.

President's Day? Oh, you mean mattress sale day?

Silence of the Lambs ruined complimenting anyone's skin

I don't believe anyone gets President's Day off, it's a myth right

Combining holidays to save time and money

A pic from 2018 cuz why not

So Brendan Brown from Wheatus time travels to 1988 and joins British band Fine Young Cannibals. They write a rad new song called ‘Teenage Dirtbag’ and it’s an 80s hit. This is the mashup nobody asked for, enjoy 😂 #80s #coversong #synth

hi hello, referring to resting as "rotting" is linguistic propaganda meant to condition you to associate a lack of productivity as negative okay thank you

My spirit guides are trying to get my attention again, but they never actually say anything

ATTENTION: inspired by @amybrown.xyz, the Please Ask Me About Gay shirt is out. 100% of the profits will be split among: • National Center For Transgender Equality • It Gets Better • The Trevor Project • National Queer and Trans Therapists of Color bornmiserable.threadless.com/designs/plea...

I don’t know guys, I’m starting to think the patriarchy is a bit too emotional to be in charge of things

that time I was at a work function and someone asked me to name celebrity and I said the first name that popped into my mind: Q*bert.

Bluesky: Post a banger that isn't in English Me: Informer by Snow (this joke isn't worth the actual video link)

@skepanie.bsky.social Hello! Sounds like you are going through it. I hope I can distract you

gonna make some shirts that just say “please ask me about gay”

Egg shell recipes

I hope no cops ever show me a photo of a face and ask if I've ever seen them. My dude, I could meet you 10 times and your face will always be brand new to me

It's amazing how many ugly dogs there are, and how there are no ugly cats

the winter Olympics should have an event where you need to run and catch a parked car sliding down an icy driveway, hop in and start it then safely park it with no property damage

I require anyone around me sign an NDA before they witness me eat a plate of wings.

Happy 100th Anniversary to the Harlem Globetrotters, the only basketball I've ever watched!

When you were a kid, did you ever piss off your dad so bad he didn't whip your ass, but just went silent and didn't move for awhile like a Buddhist monk or.somrhing?

Two truths: It's weird but fine to sniff your earbuds It's weird and NOT fine to sniff your used dental floss DONT DO IT

If I'm supposed to make the most of being a ghost living in a physical body, then why was I made to be so lazy and introverted?

sometimes i feel like social skills are hard cuz they're fake and we should all be real and kinda rude all the time and just deal with it

The thing that gets me is, I thought pedophilia was the most universally despised thing a person could do. But, apparently not???

Sometimes I can see the future and it comes true. Not all the time, but a lot. I've heard humans call this "making plans"

Wait. Was Spielberg inspired to make his whole dramatic Oscar-winning film based off the name he saw in an elevator -- Schindler, the elevator company (Schindler's lift)??

Wait. Has the name of Scope mouthwash been a pun this whole time?? - me when I realize scope means breadth (breath)

How do I stay sane at work? I think "I don't care" a lot

Approaching the day when I don't remember how to say anything but "These fucking people."