Why is it so loud outside? It's Wednesday and it's late! Go to bed!

We have a year at home we don't need a new one

Its too cold to go out tonight

women during a full moon: awoo men during a full moon: awoo blob creature during a full moon: grblgrbl

The future is sad

I tried to make my upper lip stiff like in the saying, but a lady gave me a look and offered me some deodorant

What could go wrong?

When someone's nice to me for no apparent reason

I think what the younger generations don't understand about Gen X and older is that any year that begins with 20 is and always be The Future

I got floss stuck between my two back teeth. It was touch and go there for a few minutes. Got a bit panicky tbh Man, what a stupid way to die

I jokingly asked a dude if he had a miss piggy tattoo and now I have a grown man in full kermit cosplay outside my window.

Quite a good insult for humans as well, I reckon: "He thinks he's a big deal but when it comes right down to it he's nothing more than organised water."

My life is too hard and it's not even that hard

I'm a little too excited about this new coffee spot we found today

Immediately after Christmas, I understand how men just want out as soon as they come. Get these decorations down!

Breezy Gree

Quite the haul of clearance Christmas cookies from Fresh Market!

We need more posts about reading books, holding hands, and worshipping the dark lord.

Truth

Hubs got a new camera and tested it out with the cat. I got new brush pens and am trying to draw the cat CATS...the ultimate artistic subjects

Go watch Tokyo Godfathers on Tubi if you want a fun, funny and sweet anime movie

You guys won't believe this but some ghosts told me I'm a giant asshole no one likes. What's up with that?!

Best typo ever

I remember hearing that the lowest prisoners, the ones even the worst offenders hated, were the pedophiles I wonder if that's still true

The 8 stages of holiday madness

I took some butter out of the freezer in the hopes that my husband will suddenly realize he wants to bake cookies and, Lo! Unfrozen butter!

Coworker said she likes not having a dishwasher because she likes staying busy and like, bitch what

“Grandpa, what does ‘awesome’ mean?” “Well, back at one point, it was a word used to describe the planet’s great unfathomable wonders, although now it generally means ‘Thanks for emailing me that PDF’.”

Airport security should have three lanes. One free. The second, you pay to get in. The third, they pay you by dividing the revenues from line 2. Price is adjusted automatically based on how many people are in each line. If you're in a hurry, pay for the fast line. If you aren't, get paid to wait.

Looks like the Epstein Files will be less like the Warren Commission and more like Dallas. A long-running series about the doings and screwings of the wealthy, with guest appearances by your fav celebs.

I really shouldn't be allowed to order groceries online. I ended up with 10 lbs of ground beef when I only wanted 2 at least it freezes well

I lost a lot of credibility with my dog the first time he saw me pick up his poop.

Something I used to enjoy doing on twitter was to search "colon" and marvel at the number of tweets that were like "I can still smell his colon on my pillow"

Now that's hot chocolate!

If you can’t handle me at my worst then you’ll hate my pet ferret, Greg

If I ever get really rich, I'm going to open a Chinese restaurant where all of the tables are secretly bugged so I can listen in on every conversation and craft shockingly specific Fortune Cookies for each one.

It’s not too late to cancel your holiday travel plans. If your family is mean to you, cancel. If the weather is too dangerous, cancel. If you don’t want to catch a virus, cancel. You can just stay home. I love you. ❤️

i charge my phone with perjury wait no that can’t be right . i charge my phone with kidnapping nope that’s not it . i charge my phone with assault huh what. i charge my phone with battery yep there it is

Imagine giving birth to someone without their consent, condemning them to a life of temporary existence before inevitably returning to nothingness.

Anyways.... gonna eat a Little Debbie christmas tree. the chocolate one

I guess my emotion machine doesn't work as well as a lot of yours. I can't ever care too much about any celebrity death

Don is short for DonaldWeNowOurGayApparel

Child: Is Santa real? Me: Oh, sweetheart. Santa is as real as Little Debbie or Betty Crocker, and his spirit will live on in your heart every time you take a delicious sip of ice cold Coca-Cola®

if we could had the chance to magically change one thing about the world we would make it so cishet people could recognize the difference between someone who is attractive and someone who they are sexually attracted to

"Do something every day that scares you." Apparently that includes trying a new car wash Car remains dirty

Just realized my tree skirt looks like a pizza. Or maybe I'm hungry

Christmas party with my tiny husband! The big one couldn't make it

Did it hurt when you fell from heaven. More pressingly, have you asked God why we must suffer