He said I was arrogant, so I set about him with my sceptre.

[my funeral] A bear emerges from the nearby woods, knocks the coffin over; it breaks open and my body flops out; the bear drags it away, but four eagles swoop in and fight the bear off, then fly away with most of my body, now in pieces. My wife: It's what he would have wanted.

I had to disturb my cat on my lap so I could go change the laundry. He looked at me in disgust. "You are a slave to the machines," he said

Did I read the new Epstein emails? No I did not. I saw "confidential and intended only for the use of the addressee" and closed the tab immediately. You won't catch me engaging in unauthorized activity that is strictly prohibited and may be unlawful.

I hope @addiane.bsky.social is having the bestest, luckiest birthday EVER!

I wonder if people who name their kids Jeighlieghden name their dogs Bob

There's a simple solution to the dead 007 problem: Make Bond a timelord.

which part is the flip and which part is the flop?

By not including "Dr." in front of the name of the person you're meeting with, your calendar can suggest a busy social life.

If normal gets you no where I should have gotten a lot further in life.

Putting leftover Halloween candy in my instant coffee just to feel something

New research confirms that overexposure to political skeets gives you the heebie-jeebies. The antidote is shitposting.

I love how even fashion Instagram is casually mentioning the global rise of fascism

This cat avoids sunbeams and it's weird

Final birthday dinner look. Thanks for your help!

Bad: got harassed on the train for wearing a mask Good: I told him the reason I'm wearing it is I got surgery to replace my mouth with a second butthole, and the power I felt when he looked disgusted and left was intoxicating

[in line at airport security] ...anyway all I'm saying is, if you're gonna pee in the shower, do it first thing

Someday*, we’ll look back on everything that’s going on in America right now, and say, “What in the actual fuck?” *today

What do we think of this dress? Is it outdated? Not my color? Or good to go?

It's my birthday. I will be watching videos on how to do a facelift at home with clothespins. Because us olds still own clothespins

Tomorrow's my birthday. Maybe I'll post a picture🥳

My kid has been saying "How is he still ALIVE?!" since 2016

I started watching Minx on Netflix last night and I'm really enjoying it. It's about a nudie magazine for women. but while I *should* have been expecting all the schlongs in the first episode, I was NOT. I have recovered

No, I don't want to "quickly hop on a call with you". I want to bump into you at random on a rain-lashed heath, nod at you in silent mutual admiration as we watch a buzzard gliding smoothly over a dramatic chicane in the river, then get the fuck on with my day

I TRY to talk to my cat like the adult he is, but he's just so cute and an itty bitty fluffy boogerkins, yes he is!

*high pitched voice* Oh, my sweet widdle baby boy! *lowers voice* Ahem, I mean, how are you today, sire. You are very distinguished, being a PhD MD Esquire. Very good sir, carry on -how I talk to my cat

Warming up my yogurt in the breakroom microwave to assert dominance

"Smidge" is short for "smidgeon" which is a small pigeon 🐦

Honestly, if I was at Chernobyl, none of that shit would've happened. I know I was literally just a baby, but I was a smart baby if you ignore the cord wrapped around my neck and choking on my own fecal matter in utero. That was a mistake on my part. Other than that, very qualified.

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This here government, man, those crumb bums kicking us while we're down! When's the next sit-in?

Look, when I start calling you crumb bum, you know you're in trouble

I was told to touch grass. The leaves were a bonus. #Photography

what if the S thing we've been drawing for years is just the logo of the company running this simulation

Every once in awhile, beneath the fruit in one of those fruit-on-the-bottom yogurts, there should be a secret passageway to a series of forgotten catacombs.

Get away from me with your naked sincerity of emotions until you wrap it up in fantasy/sci-fi/horror first

I don’t have seasonal affective disorder. My happiness does not come from how much sunlight I see; it comes from friendship, genuine human connections, and the hope that good things are still to come. THAT is why I’m depressed.

A-Always B-Be C-Closing D-Doors because E-Electric heat isn't F-Free Heat is for closers only.

I left work early bc I only had one appointment and then noty, so I probably shouldn't be spending any money when I'm not making any

'bout to acquire some junk food

I never find anything when I go clothes shopping. IDK if the stuff sucks or I just have no imagination

They should put prizes in ibuprofen for all the people who used to love prizes in their cereal

I would like to posit that the problem is not daylight v standard time. The problem is that we have a society that thinks wintertime productivity should be the same and follow the same schedule as summertime productivity, and that’s horseshit.

Miami really knows how to do Halloween!

You: "I love this piece of art this flawed, complex person once made." Someone Else: "I demand you immediately rescind that enthusiasm. You must only love art concocted from simple, blemish-free lives." AI Robots: "Oh my god. Have you seen this? These guys make things easier for us every day."

The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with, but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.

As over 40 million face a hunger crisis, the best thing you can do right now is donate cash to your local food banks. Most food banks already have plenty of food. What they need most is $$ for logistics and operations costs, so they can get the food that they have to hungry mouths before it expires.

Ironic that to try on eyeglass frames you need to wear contacts

Some people are easy to make laugh. I just said a thing looked like another thing