Youngest’s sisters have been home from college for less than a week, but she finally broke today with this gem: “Bro, Mom and Dad you have to stop pretending that I’m not your favorite.”

When you have kids one day you just start talking like a dad. My kid slept in this morning and I greeted him with, "Glad to see you among the living!" I've never used that phrase in my life. It just came out.

One thing about this unusually warm weather is that you can go to my Father-in-Law’s house and it will be even more unusually warm inside.

big day coming up for people who like dinner

Off the streets today.

nose down ass up that's the way we cyberstuck

I would give Rosie everything I have, and everything you have.

when you’re out the day before Thanksgiving and see the one other guy who’s also been to a fucking grocery store before

Dad with an extremely Norwegian accent: “Look kids, there’s Big Ben, Parliament.”

All three of my kids just pronounced this Boot He’s just to tick their Mom off. 🍑

hell HOME

The honor of lighting the annual Thanksgiving Joint is most often bestowed upon the eldest female cousin, with her earned reputation for being wise and trustworthy.

if you did this 200 years ago they’d drown you in a lake

Oldest made an Apple Crumble. The Middle Child and The Boyfriend™️ made a Pecan Pie together. Oldest made the Pumpkin Pie that youngest *said* she was gonna make. Oldest then made a Pumpkin Chocolate Chip Loaf with leftover ingredients.

“You will be visited by three spirits.”

post a famous bathroom scene

Ok, let’s see here…Step One:

If you bring your fancy peanut butter to the Home Depot paint dept they have to mix it for you

I’ve seen a lot of reminders to start thawing your turkeys, and that’s definitely important. Equally important is to make room in your fridge by setting your beer outside to chill.

It’s a good sign when your kids want to do things with you, right? Right?

You telling me a spatch cocked that turkey?

The dogs with big sticks video going around today is great and also reminded me of this other video of dogs who want to go on walks, which I have watched probably thirty times

Rest in peace Nissan Altima 🙏. #Altima

Youngest has a half day at school today, but she said her “only real obligation” was an assignment she needed to turn in during second period, which ended at 8:45. Here are consecutive texts we got from her at 8:41.

what's wrong with this guy

That’s such a pure dick punch, skill alone doesn’t cover that, you only get that from a real love of the dick punching game

Interesting. What did she know

Gotta go be a hero, you guys.

My cart has a leek.

I haven’t even started any real prep or cooking and I’m ALREADY SICK AND FUCKING TIRED OF UNLOADING THE GODDAMN DISHWASHER THIS WEEK.

When I can’t pronounce anything on the menu but I’m asking the waiter to bring us one of each appetizer and the *second* cheapest bottle of Pinot.

maybe i am going insane

Still not enough

We just want a little healthcare, and maybe a little espresso.

You come to me on this, the day of my daughter’s Toyotathon

Too many X accounts are bots. Delighted to be on Bluesky where you're all just figments of my imagination

I get why they’re Fast, I’m less clear on why they are Furious

I asked my AI grill to smoke a brisket at 225 until it reached an internal temp of 205 degrees and it told me to take a backflip off a bridge.

please note our holiday week hours of operation: MON: 24 hours TUE: 24 hours WED: 24 hours THU: 24 hours FRI: 24 hours SAT: 24 hours SUN: 24 hours

Well there’s proof that at least some Republicans can still get laid.

*tap*

Twitter accounts are based in Russia. BlueSky accounts are based in homes with, frankly, too many books, plants, obsolete cables, and pieces of rustic pottery, that could do with a bit of a tidying up, to be honest.

He’ll flip ya, Charlie Brown. Flip ya for real.

It really was a truly awful time in America, but what finally turned things around and united the country was this one incredibly stupid football game between the Eagles and Cowboys.

Cowboys Eagles is coming down to who kicks themselves in the groin last

Lady who tries the ChatGPT pasta recipe might be the biggest over-actor in the history of television advertising.

You thinking what I’m thinking?